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Wrapped in Love

September 27, 2013 //
2

Today I ventured forth in the late afternoon, for an appointment.  I felt tired, and I hurt, but some of these appointments are pretty hard to get, and rescheduling them is harder still.  When I stepped out into the chill of autumn, I felt a little foolish about my initial reluctance – I love fall! The bite in the air, the damp of passing drenching rains, and long hours of drizzle, the many lush greens, and bold russets and golds as the leaves begin to turn, the shhhh-shhhh of cars passing on rainy roads; all of it delights me and I feel recharged, energized, and inspired.

Walking my autumn path

Walking my autumn path

The afternoon was made more enjoyable by the power of love itself.  See, for years and years I just didn’t wear a coat. I didn’t always have one. Couldn’t always afford one. Didn’t always understand that having one represented ‘taking care of me’ on those cold days when being human isn’t enough to be warm and comfortable without one. (I’m a little embarrassed now and again, as I understand more about what I wasn’t understanding. lol. So far, being embarrassed hasn’t proven to be terminal, or particularly injurious.) Back to the coat, though… it is love. Funny that a coat could be love, but there it is.  One of my dear loves, who has put an unimaginable amount of devotion into supporting and nurturing me as I wade through my chaos and damage, took me shopping one winter for a coat. I needed one, and we live in a place that has a bit of winter every year.  He was so gentle and encouraging, and it was this amazing fun adventure together… every time I wear my coat, I feel wrapped in his love.  Today I walked, smiling, wrapped in my coat against the chill, wrapped in my memory of love protecting me against fear and insecurity.  It has been a lovely autumn day.  😀

I got to my appointment… I really fought to get this appointment, with this doctor, and hilariously all the fuss and bother amounted to a 10-minute experience… and one photograph of the gray autumn sky from the 8th floor of the VA hospital, eastward, across the river.  How many 10-minute appointments does it take to pay for a million dollar view? lol

The view was worth the trip.

The view was worth the trip.

I am tired. It’s evening. I’m out of words for now. 😉

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

It’s a Verb!

September 25, 2013 //
5

I spent a lot of years avoiding things that were an effort.  I like ‘easy’. lol. It could be assumed that I was not at the starting line of any ‘fun run’, at any time, anywhere.  Funny how change works, isn’t it? I feel differently about a lot of things.  So many things are better simply because I recognize, and accept, even expect that there is effort involved, before I even get started on something.

As recently as 2009 my life and choices had taken me to a place where I was uncomfortably ‘over weight’ – meaning to say I was uncomfortable with my weight at that time, didn’t feel healthy, and experienced a loss of mobility, as well as a lot of pain and discomfort, because of my weight and general lack of fitness.  I have come a very long way from that place in my life.

I started with a simple enough commitment – I didn’t want my weight to be what killed me – and a plan; I would be less efficient, and exert more effort, and eat what I needed to support good health, and my goal weight.  It was pretty drastic to reduce my calories so much, and to push myself to do… well, anything.  I started small… a trip to a local farmer’s market, a walk of less than 3 blocks, up a gentle incline.  I’ll admit it was actually damned difficult, but I felt so good doing something.  It was even something I’d wanted to do for a long while and had avoided.

I’ve gone on to lose more weight, and I’m pretty close to my goals for weight, and fitness, now.  Better than that – I mostly feel pretty good, and pretty fit, and I easily commute on foot (about 5 miles a day) and consider myself decently active.  I’m ready for a ‘next step’… and it is going to be the Worldwide WP 5k!  I’m pretty excited, actually. I’ve got my route picked out (3.2 miles). I’m hoping to take pictures of this and that, and perhaps a few other things. I’ll take along my camera, rather than relying on my cell phone. 😀

I’m just a little surprised to be so eager to do this… eager feels good. 😀

...the map is not the world, but having a map can make a journey easier.

…the map is not the world, but having a map can make a journey easier.

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Categories autumn, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Perspective

One Breath at a Time

September 25, 2013 //
0

It’s a nice enough morning, I guess. I slept rather restlessly, woke a couple of times, and the alarm seemed to come too soon. The headache of yesterday is little more than a dull reminder of my human frailties, lurking in the background this morning. My arthritis is kicking my ass, though.  As I sit and contemplate the imminent dawn, a downpour begins, hammers on the skylights, and passes on. I feel a little cross and out of sorts, without reason – unless pain is reason enough. Is it? lol

I’m okay. Neither wildly excited about the day, nor truly discontent; I sip my latte unenthusiastically and watch the minutes tick by quietly. My thoughts lack focus or theme. I am letting my consciousness coast, and observing the comings and goings of my thoughts.  This is, as yet, a raw and unformed day; it could go a number of ways, and there’s no obvious tendency or trend, yet. This, by itself, is very interesting… I’m not sure I’ve ever been aware of this sort of moment before.

This morning, each breath is a beginning, and a pause, a moment of its own. I wonder where the day will take me?

Wherever the journey leads, it is mine.

Wherever the journey leads, it is mine.

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights

Hearts, Flowers, and Misty Mornings

September 24, 2013 //
0

I woke this morning filled with profound love; thoughts still ringing from love songs in my dreams.  The dawn came later than I expected, heavy with gray clouds and subdued by morning mist.  Quiet time with my thoughts of love and romance, and an excellent latte, preceded a lovely walk to the office.  I found myself wondering as I walked ‘is this what ‘whole’ and ‘well’ feel like?’

I am enjoying my experience.  It isn’t ‘perfect’ – whatever that may mean.  For now, ‘perfect’ doesn’t matter, because it isn’t real.  My arthritis is kicking my ass this week; I am in serious pain.  My headaches have been unusually severe, and frequent.  I am discontent, professionally, and often struggling much harder with my personal demons from day-to-day than I hope to in the future.  None of that stops today, right now, from being really quite nice.  (I re-read that sentence, and wonder how long I could have been simply enjoying my life in spite of the chaos and damage, had I understood the possibility existed?)

So… on with the day.  Love songs and delightful moments still lingering in my thoughts, and since they are really too personal to share I will share some of this morning’s pictures, instead.

No matter how small our world may appear to someone else, it is everything we know, ourselves.

No matter how small our world may appear to someone else, it is everything we know, ourselves.

The autumn garden has its own needs, and its own beauty.

The autumn garden has its own needs, and its own beauty.

This morning, the work and the tools, take a back seat to experiencing now.

This morning, the work and the tools, take a back seat to experiencing now.

 

 

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Roses

One Quiet Morning

September 21, 2013 //
0

This is a nice one, too. A great latte, almost gone now. A great article on feminism attentively read over the rim of the warm porcelain coffee mug.  The trickle of the aquarium in the background, and the stillness of the sleeping household is interrupted only by soft footsteps on the roof  as the cat creeps across. I look up to see her peering through the skylight inquisitively, but I am not fast enough with my camera, and she slips away as quickly as she came, on her way to other cat endeavors.

It is a nice morning for mindfulness, for observations, and for experiencing the moment.  It’s easiest with the nice moments, isn’t it? 🙂

I woke in the night, around 1:30 am, although I don’t know what woke me. Maybe nothing.  I woke again, earlier than I cared to on a weekend day, around 6:30 am or so, to what I thought was the sound of laughter, but once awake, the house was quiet.  I lay awake watching fish swim for a little while, then meditating.  It is a very pleasant way to get the day started.

As I contemplate what else I might share, the household begins to awaken, and the real living of my life beckons me enticingly.  It’ll be hard for the day to measure up to the morning, and I know this is one to enjoy, arms wide to embrace the world, eyes open to see the wonders of it, and enough words at the ready to share the experience, later.

Enjoy all the day offers you – or try again tomorrow! I hope you have a wonderful day. 🙂

What delights could the day hold?

What delights could the day hold?

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress
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