Archives for posts with tag: loving you

I’m relaxing with my morning coffee, ready to start a new week, enjoying a quiet moment before heading to the office. It is, in most ways, wholly routine, as morning’s go. Still, this one lovely moment feels… special. My Traveling Partner sleeps in the other room. ūüôā As “sufficiency” goes, this morning is more than enough. I feel content, and wrapped in love.

This kind of moment is different from the joyful, boisterous, playful, moments of festivals, the busy fun working moments of performance events, the connected intimate moments snatched from those on some visit to spend time together… all those things are lovely. This? This is different. This is calm, and soothed, and heartfelt, and warm, and tender, and gentle, and deep, and enduring… no fleeting bit of fun this moment, here. This is built of stuff that lasts (well, as long as it lasts, and then lingers in memory quite deliciously and poignantly; the best times together manage to be nonetheless quite finite).

I sit with my coffee, enjoying this quiet moment. I don’t need more. I start a playlist that is all love songs this morning, and get ready to begin again. ūüôā

Writing isn’t coming so easily this morning. I’ve had a number of interesting ideas take me a direction that just didn’t look like somewhere I cared to go…3 actually, amounting to something like 700 words. Deleted words now; I didn’t even safe drafts. I’m okay with that – my words, I can do what I like with them.

Other sorts of course corrections and changes are less simple. I can’t just delete a poor choice and go a different direction, once my choices are made and acted upon, the way I can when I write – no backspace button, either, for that ‘oh crap! not that direction…’ moment. In action, life happens quickly and continuously. Good decision-making, and wise actions matter – and so does self-compassion, and self-acceptance, because I definitely also manage some poor decision-making along life’s journey, or take actions that could not be described as ‘wise’ (‘fumbling in the dark’ would be more accurate, at best, some days).

Today, the writing is my metaphor. It’s not going super smoothly today, and I’m okay with that, too – there’s no pressure, it’s living life and sometimes it is more challenging than others. Today I feel vaguely… vague. A bit directionless, having dumped some errant notions that were holding me back, but having not quite firmed up the foundational ideas and decisions that will take me forward on a more valued trajectory. Camping is sounding really good from this vantage point; I need some stillness to think on what I want out of my life.

Blue skies and wonder; worth looking up for.

Blue skies and wonder; worth looking up for.

My traveling partner arrived home earlier than planned yesterday; I was in the office and aside from the happy awareness he was safely home, it didn’t change my experience. We have very little time together, partly due to my work hours, and timing. I got home and enjoyed the warmth of his greeting, and the delight of welcoming him back…for about half an hour. He crashed out early in the evening, and clearly needed the rest. I spent my evening quietly, and enjoyed an early night, myself. We’ve carved out some time on the calendar to enjoy together tonight; I plan to stay up later than usual to make it happen, because the time we share is worth adjusting my routine and losing some sleep.

I may be vague on what to write about today… I am not vague about love, Love, or my traveling partner. I hear him up for the morning…today is a good day to share love.

I started the morning with a headache. I’m sure it will pass. My brain feels a little sluggish and foggy today; it was very late when I actually fell asleep, and I woke earnestly wanting the alarm to go off later…much later. I’m not bitching. I’m hopeful that at some point I will have that quality of deep sleep on a weekend morning that carries me on wings of pure restfulness until I wake, and finding myself so groggy right now manages to be a reminder that I am capable of deep sleep. My fingertips feel cold. This morning it reminds me that the temperature in my room is once again balanced for better sleep, and fairly chilly first thing when I get up as a result. I’m okay with that, too.

Headache and all, actually, today feels okay so far. I feel okay. The gray cloud of uneased loneliness seems to have lifted – and no surprise, I suppose, considering I spent a good many minutes after I retired last night crying; unreservedly and wholeheartedly grieving what may be lost along the way. Just that. To have some moment, some experience, of such sweetness and love – any such – and feel it slip away over time, or simply be…done…those are some very challenging experiences for me. I am still learning to accept some very basic truths about life – that lovely ‘this too shall pass’¬†aphorism cuts a very different way when considered in the context of some profoundly wonderful thing…and it’s no less true. Change is.¬†I didn’t pass judgment on my sorrow, and I didn’t make excuses, or criticize my need to grieve¬†life’s losses over time. I accepted in that¬†moment¬†that¬†I was feeling profound sadness, and let that experience unfold. I cared for myself, and tended my injured heart, and I didn’t stuff my big emotions into a tiny box.

Just about the time my tears had dried, and I was meditating calmly and feeling accepting and content, my traveling partner checked in on me; it’s been a difficult bit of time, together, and he is more sensitive than most to the ebb and flow of my emotions, it can be hard to endure the intensity up close. We cuddled for a time, and I felt safe and secure nestled in his arms. I felt loved. It’s a powerful love that we share… It may not¬†‘be the same’ right now as it ‘once was’, but won’t that always be true, regardless? I live ‘now’…and ‘once was’ is not now, ever. It’s really that simple. This morning I woke feeling centered, and understanding more that there is so much to be enjoyed about right now… there are so many nuances to love and to loving… if things stayed the same, however good that might be, how much of what love has to offer would I miss out on?

I made some different choices to take care of me over the past few days, and they’ve been good choices, based on the outcome over time. Initial results don’t always seem so promising…but there again, maybe that’s because although change is, change is not always comfortable. I feel good today. I feel balanced. I feel the results of taking care of me….even grieving what isn’t can have some value, after all, it helped me get¬†on through to what is. ¬†In my own experience, being nearly always feels more fulfilling than yearning. I wasn’t helping myself out, being stuck and waiting for someone to help me out of the muck; I had my hands on a rope ladder of my own making, and all I needed to do was climb. There are verbs involved.

Today is a good day to take another step on this amazing journey. Today is a good day to remember that kindness begins with how I treat myself – and so do respect, consideration, compassion, and love. Today is a good day to remember the effect of incremental change over time, and to understand that however small one single step may seem to be as a singular experience, taken as a whole the journey goes many many miles, and every individual step is utterly necessary to complete it. Today is a good day to continue the journey.

One step at a time...

One step at a time…

Funny how much difference one moment can make in the way my experience feels. I’m still working on making the most of some pretty vast raw materials; the artistic masterwork of a lifetime is the journey I take to become the woman I most want to be, exploring my experience, and taking this amazing journey of discovery as a being. I am still taken by surprise, sometimes, at how little it takes to change the tone of that experience, to color it, to shift it on the emotional spectrum one direction or another.

So much potential.

A new day holds so much potential.

Yesterday the tone of a reply to a practical question held the potential to be a powerful destructive force in my day. I dislike being dismissed, or disregarded – I suppose most people likely do. I found great satisfaction that the day didn’t go awry, and took time to be grateful for new practices making a difference. I took that approach every step of the way yesterday, refraining from taking things¬†personally – even when they appeared to be very personal indeed – because I was able to understand that the behaviors of others reflect their will (not mine), their values (not mine), and their choices (I make my own); I’m a bystander in their experience. Their pain is their own, as are their great joys. Not my circus, not my monkeys.

This morning, I woke early, feeling a bit off, my mind inclined to wander into anger or irritation although the day was so very new there was no cause for it. New practices for the win, this morning, too; I gently nudged my mood back toward joy and contentment with meditation, and just as I felt relaxed and content again, I was treated to cuddles and love. Cuddles and love are simply one utterly wonderful way to start a morning. Any morning.

A lovely autumn morning.

Mornings hold so much potential.

Now I’m just chilling, sipping my first espresso, and listening to the world wake up around me. The sound track of human experience. I’m also listening to a terribly cheesy love song in my head; sometimes love does that to me. Sometimes I just sing holiday carols. LOL (No foolin’, I do.)

This human thing isn’t always easy, or orderly, or pleasant, and the weirdest shit seems to go wrong at the strangest times. People matter. I’m including myself in that set these days, which is a very nourishing experience emotionally. I’m setting my own priorities, based on what I need, and what matters to me. It makes some of the everyday drama pretty inconsequential. That’s really the reason I don’t drill down into the details of everyday drama that comes up in my relationships. It’s less about privacy than priorities. Some of it would be fun reading, exciting fiction, pretty gripping – stuff we can all easily identify with, perhaps even a bit titillating sometimes…but it’s not a high priority for me. Those every day stresses between human primates in close quarters are not the focus of this journey, and honestly, we all have our daily grind, and my advice wouldn’t likely be particularly useful – it’s always a sort of ‘you had to be there’ moment, isn’t it? Love each other. That’s the important thing. Listen attentively, with your whole awareness. Be engaged and present. Be willing to be vulnerable and speak your mind – and your heart. Do no harm. Be kind while you are being honest. Let the small stuff go. Did I mention Love? Sometimes I find re-envisioning some challenging moment with someone dear to me animated as The Simpsons, or Archer, or South Park. It’s not so much the colorful figures; I also rewrite the script, and the plot, and try to be true to the tone of the show and characters. It relieves a lot of that sense of loss and chaos that sometimes goes hand in hand with small drama.

Like mushrooms; under the right conditions, all sorts of things come up.

Like mushrooms; under the right conditions, all sorts of things come up.

So, here it is another day in this human experience. I wonder what will come of it? Today is a good day to make good choices and express the best of who I am in every interaction. Today is a good day to love and be loved in return. Today is a good day to respond instead of react. Today is a good day to feel autumn breezes, and see smiles on the faces of children. Today is a good day to be open to new ideas and to take chances on trying new practices. Today is a good day to change; that’s how I change the world.

I woke this morning filled with profound love; thoughts still ringing from love songs in my dreams. ¬†The dawn came later than I expected, heavy with gray clouds and subdued by morning mist. ¬†Quiet time with my thoughts of love and romance, and an excellent latte, preceded a lovely walk to the office. ¬†I found myself wondering as I walked ‘is this what ‘whole’ and ‘well’ feel like?’

I am enjoying my experience. ¬†It isn’t ‘perfect’ – whatever that may mean. ¬†For now, ‘perfect’ doesn’t matter, because it isn’t real. ¬†My arthritis is kicking my ass this week; I am in serious pain. ¬†My headaches have been unusually severe, and frequent. ¬†I am discontent, professionally, and often struggling much harder with my personal demons from day-to-day than I hope to in the future. ¬†None of that stops today, right now, from being really quite nice. ¬†(I re-read that sentence, and wonder how long I could have been simply enjoying my life in spite of the chaos and damage, had I understood the possibility existed?)

So… on with the day. ¬†Love songs and delightful moments still lingering in my thoughts, and since they are really too personal to share I will share some of this morning’s pictures, instead.

No matter how small our world may appear to someone else, it is everything we know, ourselves.

No matter how small our world may appear to someone else, it is everything we know, ourselves.

The autumn garden has its own needs, and its own beauty.

The autumn garden has its own needs, and its own beauty.

This morning, the work and the tools, take a back seat to experiencing now.

This morning, the work and the tools, take a back seat to experiencing now.