Archives for posts with tag: The Big 5

Yesterday (truthfully, most days) I was early everywhere I needed to be. This was both practical and possible because I had arranged with my traveling partner to borrow his car for the day. Handy. I arrived on the east side of town about an hour before my appointment time, got a coffee from a nearby boutique cafe with a working class theme – one I’d never been to before, and don’t expect will still be there the next time I am in that neighborhood.  Making a small business thrive is hard enough when it is any sort besides a cafe, in a city where cafes are on literally every corner – and a third of them are Starbucks. It’s a tough business. The coffee was good – lavender infused iced coffee with whipped cream – and a nice treat.

Even buying a cup of coffee, I had nearly an hour before my appointment. I had once lived in this neighborhood, and a favorite small park was right down the street from my appointment. Walking those lovely paths in the quite of early morning, uncrowded, undisturbed, sounded like a lovely accompaniment to my coffee. I hadn’t been to this particular park in quite a lot of years, although I’d only left the neighborhood some 5 years ago; I had at some point gained so much weight on the drugs the VA was giving me that walking the distance to the park (less than a mile) was too hard for me. I figure the last time I walked the paths of this lovely park was sometime in… 2004? Or…possibly I’ve simply forgotten other visits.

A small park, but no shortage of grandeur.

A small park, but no shortage of grandeur. The entry way has a big view.

The Crystal Springs Rhododendron Garden has history. It is a common visitor destination, particularly on Mother’s Day – so of course, I didn’t make a practice of going then. In fact, my most common time to visit this park was by moonlight – sneaking over or under the fence to get into the park after dark. In the summer it was especially nice – it felt very safe, and the air less stifling than in my tiny second floor apartment with no a/c, and the windows placed such that breezes just didn’t make it into the hot still rooms. I would often get into the park, and pull off my confining summer dress and sandals and stroll the well-maintained paths quite naked by moonlight. Those were some of the loveliest moments ever. It struck me strangely yesterday that it had been so long since I even held the recollection of these treasured moments in my consciousness…why had I let them go?

Lacking the time to explore at greater length, I paused frequently to breath the fresh air, and listen to the sounds of the trees and birds and breezes all around me.

Lacking the time to explore at greater length, I paused frequently to breathe the fresh air, and listen to the sounds of the trees and birds and breezes all around me.

The dogwoods are still flowering - they remind me of my childhood home.

The dogwoods are still flowering – they remind me of my childhood home.

I step to an edge to experience the dizzying view to the water below, from a path high above the creek.

I step to an edge to experience the dizzying view to the water below, from a path high above the creek.

I sit and meditate for a time, in a favorite spot. On a moonlit night, the silvery moonlight fills this place, and the only sound is the waterfall.

I sit and meditate for a time, in a favorite spot. On a moonlit night, the silvery moonlight fills this place, and the only sound is the waterfall.

There are little waterfalls here and there all through the park.

There are little waterfalls here and there all through the park.

This is my favorite among the waterfalls.

This is my favorite among the waterfalls. I linger awhile.

There are no rhododendrons or azaleas blooming this time of year, but there is no shortage of flowers.

There are no rhododendrons or azaleas blooming this time of year, but there is no shortage of flowers.

And there is no shortage of picturesque views.

And there is no shortage of picturesque views.

It has rained, and everything is covered with tiny drops of water, and the air smells fresh.

It has rained, and everything is covered with tiny drops of water, and the air smells fresh.

It is a lovely place to spend an hour on a Wednesday morning.

It is a lovely place to spend an hour on a Wednesday morning.

The paths follow the banks of creek, stream, and lake; eventually I am n noticed by the ducks.

The paths follow the banks of creek, stream, and lake; eventually I am n noticed by the ducks.

The ducks here are rather tame, and unharassed; they come seeking treats.

The ducks here are rather tame, and unharassed; they come seeking treats.

They invite their friends.

They invite their friends.

There are lovely moments for perspective...

There are lovely moments for perspective…

...from one point of view or another.

…from one point of view or another.

And still more flowers.

And still more flowers.

At some point they boarded up one favored way into the park at night... it would not longer be so easy to stroll here in the moonlight.

At some point they boarded up one favored way into the park at night… it would not longer be so easy to stroll here in the moonlight.

It is a lovely place...but eventually my path takes me to the exit, and onward with the day.

It is a lovely place…but eventually my path takes me to the exit, and onward with the day.

It can be so easy to look back on years of hardship and struggling, and overlook the wonders, the delights, the precious moments that I did enjoy – they are locked in this rather poorly maintained file system I call my memory. There are some lovely moments tangled up in here, sometimes lost, sometimes found. I enjoyed visiting this one – it is precious to me. There are few recollections of life well-lived that beat walking naked in the moonlight on hot summer nights along well-maintained paths among the trees and flowers, feeling the breezes, catching the delightful scents of flowers on the breeze… fearless, relaxed, and if not ‘happy’ – at least happy enough to enjoy living that moment. It is too easy to overlook the good moments mixed in with the difficult times; I cherish the unexpected opportunity to reset my thinking on that era of my life so simply, and so delightfully. It wasn’t all bad – there was a lot of fun, plenty of good times, and some lovely memories were made. Isn’t that what so often traps people in a poorly chosen situation; it isn’t all bad….? We hang on to what works, what feels good, what is ‘good enough’ and forget to take care of ourselves with greater care than settling for what we’ve got, even though we’re merely surviving it. Still…once I take the steps to make better decisions, to take care of me, to live well and to thrive – isn’t it also important to cherish what worked, in spite of what didn’t? 🙂

Today is a good day to appreciate life’s joys and delights; they are rare enough as it is, and I don’t serve myself well to overlook them because they were part of a challenging time in my life. Today is a good day to smile at the pleasures offered by happenstance – and to take the opportunity to enjoy myself that is offered. Today is a good day for perspective, and to be mindful that “now” is the moment I am in, always, but there have been others that have been worth savoring in life, and it is never too late to enjoy a memory. 🙂

This is a simple good morning, right here. With some effort, I come up with a couple really first-rate topics on which I could be writing.  I sip my coffee, and make a note elsewhere. I add them to the running list of potential topics for other days. (While each new idea this morning is certainly worthy of my attention at some point, they do not hold my attention this morning.)

I contentedly sip my coffee without concern over waking up later than usual, or falling asleep earlier than usual last night. It’s not cause for panic, and unlike nights that are short on sleep, the deviation from my routine is likely healthy rather than potentially harmful – I probably needed the rest. Yesterday was a hot day, and I walked to and from work, and did so also over my lunch break. I enjoyed somewhat longer routes, too, beating my loose goal of exceeding 5 miles a day of walking. I did enough yoga, before and after work, to ease stiff joints – and enough to ‘get some exercise’, too. Tired at the end of the day seems reasonable. I didn’t even ‘over sleep’ my alarm; I woke and reset it for another half an hour of sleep. (There are some nice advantages to getting up so early each day.) There’s no stress over any of this… only coffee.

Enough.

Enough.

I sip the fragrant dark roast and wonder just a bit at how obviously it is ‘not my favorite’. Having moved into my own place, and finally feeling really ‘settled in’, I am finding moments of surprise that my taste has changed, or that I didn’t understand some detail about myself better. I did not expect that there truly would be a ‘getting to know me’ stage in all this – as with building any new relationship. Who is this woman in the mirror? When did she stop preferring the very darkest roasted coffee? When did she start being okay with sleeping in now and then – even on a work day?! I rub my eyes sleepily, and continue to sip my coffee – daydreaming about the Brazilian coffee I had just the other day. (It was a small sample, only, and it is gone – utterly enjoyed to the finish.) Is that the coffee I most enjoy? What else about me is not who I expected to find on the other side of the mirror?

Who am I “really“?  What does that question mean? In a world so driven to perform, to compete, to ‘measure up’, to achieve, to present an ideal image – I guess I am not surprised to find that in a safe, calm space, characterized by day-to-day contentment, I am able to explore details of who I am – and find surprises. Too much precious time is spent ‘selling ourselves’ to the world, or trying to be something someone else wants. Giving up on that is a start, but apparently like any journey… simply beginning down the path of authenticity is just a start to a much more involved process. I spend enough time with myself, in gentle solitude, that I can hear the softest voice within expressing those preferences that have been beat down, held down, and twisted for far too long.

I actually do like my coffee black, most of the time. It is my preference. Adding half and half and something sweet is nice for a treat now and then, but it isn’t my day-to-day preference at all. I didn’t know that until I moved into this space, alone with my coffee and my choices. Where espresso beverages are concerned, a simple vanilla latte is my favorite – and I like it best made by my traveling partner (his are without question the very best lattes for texture, temperature, mouth feel, and given the right beans, for flavor as well) – but lattes are a treat. Calorie laden and creamy, they are very much a dessert sort of thing, for me.

There is a lot to learn about myself. I’m living in an environment where the “I” in “who I am” really stands out – good qualities and those less good as well. I am learning how much of my day-to-day experience of the past has been compromised to better suit other people over the years. I lost my way here and there, and wandered off a path I didn’t know I was following. I allowed myself to cave to pressure to conform, to change, to be something other than the creature I am…and didn’t follow-up with me, to find out who this person is, resting within this fragile vessel, and to make sure her needs are met, too. There’s joy in getting to know me, in becoming comfortable with myself, even in finding out that I prefer my tuna casserole with broccoli instead of peas, and that I like the mushroom sauce to be made from scratch using crimini mushrooms…and that I like to top it with fried onions. Those things are not ‘important’ taken one by one… but if I spend my lifetime doing things in the fashion that most suits others, when do I take time for me? At what point must I acknowledge that I don’t know me, anymore, and question who the hell those others think they are involved with, in the first place? (Cuz… it may not be me.)

I will, thanks. :-)

I will, thanks. 🙂

It’s a quiet morning over my coffee, content to listen to morning become day through the open patio door, and content to feel the soft breezes cooling the apartment. Contentment is quite a lovely feeling. Today is a good day for contentment, and a good day to know myself.

Life is rich with eye-opening moments. Some of them are heart-breaking (like the moment I realized I was only a resource to someone I thought loved me, many years ago). Other eye-opening moments are simply moments of greater awareness than the moments that preceded. A few are literally moments at that point at which I open my eyes – like this morning, when I woke, opened my eyes, and found as my initial eye-opening experience that I am in tremendous physical pain this morning. My arthritis. It’s not a crisis of any magnitude, and there’s not much to be done about it that would be new, or particularly noteworthy; I take my pain medication, and I head for my yoga mat. After my morning coffee, I will soak in a hot bath and hope that the saturating heat will ease my pain and stiffness further.

My arthritis is in my spine. I rarely think much about how I rely on my spine until I find myself mostly unable to make use of it in any sort of flexible way. This morning getting out of bed was complicated by both the stiffness and the pain. I rolled off the side of the bed, letting my legs drop to the floor, and leaning on the wall to slowly stand. Sitting and standing maneuvers are difficult today, even after yoga eased some of the stiffness.

The pain is another matter. Even after easing some of the stiffness in my spine, I am hurting too much to find joy in the day, so far, which makes me cross. I reach out to my traveling partner and cancel plans to hang out. I am in no mood to be in the company of others, and for the time being, all I can think about is the pain. While that may change as I practice good self-care practices, I can’t really rely on being able to hold on to a pleasant demeanor long enough to be certain of treating others well. Solitude is a good choice when I am in this much pain. I don’t mind the solitude – and I definitely dislike finding that I have treated my traveling partner poorly over something as trivial (and commonplace) as pain. It was an easy choice to make, and my traveling partner does not complicate such things with manipulation, tantrums or drama; he appreciates being treated well.

Summer flowers are everywhere; I only see them when I look. Awareness matters.

Summer flowers are everywhere; I only see them when I look. Awareness matters.

The weather forecast is for a hot day. I take a moment to appreciate the existence of air-conditioning, sip my coffee, and pretend to plan my day in some way that isn’t centered on the pain I am in – but I keep finding myself accounting for the pain in a very frank way as I figure out what I want to do with this day – I keep having to remind myself that some of the things I might like to do are going to be damned difficult if I can’t bend, reach, lift, carry, get down on the floor and back up, sit in one place, or generally move with any ease. I am irritated to be stalled by pain. I remind myself to be kind to myself; this fragile vessel can only do so much on a day like this, and there’s nothing lazy about that.

I sip my coffee indifferently, contemplating just going back to bed…but that won’t work either; it was the pain of being in bed that woke me, earlier. I frown at myself for a moment; I am not making taking care of me easy, at all. I pause and put the focus on the good qualities of the day, the pleasant features of this moment, just beyond the pain…

Clematis on a summer morning is lovely even when I hurt.

Clematis on a summer morning is lovely even when I hurt.

…It’s a lovely morning, in spite of the promised heat of the day. The early morning sunlight is clear and bright, and filters through the blinds casting interesting stripe-y shadows that I enjoy greatly. The coffee I have been sipping with such disregard is quite delightful – a darker roast than I have been drinking (I tend to prefer darker roasts, myself). I am enjoying the warmth of the mug in my hands when I pause to take a sip.  (I nearly always finish my coffee in sips, consuming it well before it cools off, most days.) The a/c kept the apartment quite comfortable through the night, and I slept well and deeply, and woke feeling alert and clear-headed. Most of the housework on my ‘to do list’ for a Sunday can be done with relative ease, even when I am hurting, and occupying my time in that fashion will quite likely take my mind off the pain for a time. I have a couple new books to read, and it looks like a great day for that, too. I can choose from  Pablo Naruda‘s “Twenty Love Poems and a Song of Despair”, Thich Nhat Hanh‘s “Anger”, or Naomi Wolf‘s “Vagina”. Taking breaks between chapters to do yoga will help ease my pain and stiffness if I find myself sitting too long.

It’s admittedly easier to focus on the pain; it shouts at me within my consciousness in a way that the pleasant details of the morning simply don’t compete with easily. It is worthwhile to patiently choose to be aware of more. Like so many practices, it does take practice, and there are verbs involved. My results vary. 🙂

The heavy scent of summer jasmine reminds me of my childhood home. I wonder why I haven't gotten a potted one for my patio yet?

The heavy scent of summer jasmine reminds me of my childhood home. I wonder why I haven’t gotten a potted one for my patio yet?

Today is a good day to practice exceptional self-care, and to treat myself well. Today is a good day to make choices that result in not treating others badly. Today is a good day for good choices, good practices, and an awareness that there is life beyond pain. Today is a good day to enjoy everyday moments of delight, and to practice self-compassion. This fragile vessel can only do so much, and there is no rush to complete living as though it were on my task list; the journey is the destination.

I woke with the alarm this morning, and for a few moments lay quite still, awake, getting my bearings on the day before attempting to rise. I don’t spend much time on ‘auto pilot’ these days, even first thing as I am waking. It seems a healthy change, but it is dependent on my own still-developing ability to stay on course using awareness, will and verbs. I am a beginner. A student. A project in progress. I suppose this is always true, for each of us, until we choose to cling to what we think we know, instead of allowing ourselves to learn and grow…

I am not yet reliably skilled at staying in the moment and making each choice anew without the ‘advantage’ of habit, reactions, programming, and a clear plan with many ‘plans B’ and alternate options for a variety of contingencies and unexpected effects of the free will of others. Still…it’s very pleasant to wake, linger a moment with myself, breathing, before rising rather than feeling my feet hit the floor as I turn off the alarm, and sort of lurching hurriedly through a firm very fixed routine. The occasional miss on taking medication, or wandering off having forgotten to start the dishwasher, seems like a small and reasonable trade-off to become more awake, aware, and alive; embracing an authentic experience of myself, and enjoying my life is very much worth the effort. (Yes, there are verbs involved.)

Enjoying morning.

Enjoying a moment.

This morning, I am listening to favorite tracks and getting my day started in an upbeat energetic way. My coffee is ready – but I’d forgotten about that, until just now; I am dancing through chores and housekeeping. Coffee does sound good…

…Still hot, too. 🙂

Today starts well – most days do now. It’s a pleasant life, and I am eagerly looking ahead to making some of this more permanent in my experience by buying a little place of my own. It’s time I was able to call somewhere ‘home’ knowing that it is not a lease-dependent condition reliant upon the whim of some landlord. I have a much clearer idea of what I want out of a home of my own, and my wants and needs are not lavish, out of reach, or excessive. I have no need to impress someone else, or achieve any goal besides ‘home’ [easy enough, since ‘home’ is something we make with our hearts, our will, and our work – and not something that can be purchased, ever]. Hell, this wee apartment is ‘home’ to me on a level only one other dwelling has been; it’s about what I put into it, rather than plumbing fixtures, fancy doors, upgrading paint or flooring, or vast square footage used to indicate importance and stature. Buying a home will be much less costly than it would be if I were attempting to purchase the esteem of others at the same time. 🙂 Something for me will be quite enough.

Last night I enjoyed some quiet time and conversation with my traveling partner. Saying so does little to describe the profound delight I take in hanging out with this one particular human being, or to share how precious those moments together are. We enjoy each other. The stresses and challenges of living together in a stress-filled multi-adult shared household were incredibly unhealthy for the two of us as a partnership [and for me as an individual], and it pleases me to be once again able to wholly enjoy him – to enjoy each other together – on this profound connected level that we share so easily without the interference of others. I had worried, when I moved, that I had entirely lost my skill for ‘being there’ for him, over time, and that I was simply no longer able to be a gentle supportive presence, listening, loving, engaging, connecting… It was silly to worry myself so. The environment we were in simply didn’t support that, at all, and in that context our effort to enjoy each other with any ease was continuously undermined, often in a seemingly willful way. I understand the circumstances (and people) much more now, and the perspective offered by distance is very helpful. It has been easy to ‘let it go’; it does not directly affect my experience now, and is not worth taking personally (it was never ‘about me’).

I am smiling this morning. My traveling partner is comfortable turning to me when he needs support – that means so much to me, and now I recognize that being there for him in that way is a powerful positive value in our relationship for me – it is something I have to offer Love that is very much worth having. My Big 5 is powerful there: Respect, Consideration, Compassion, Reciprocity and Openness build a strong foundation for love. My attention to living beautifully, and study of The Art of Being, is useful, too; I have created a beautiful safe space here, for myself, that nurtures calm, contentment, and affection. OPD dissipates here, unable to find a solid platform from which to run the show. Seeing my distressed partner at the door resulted in a warm welcome, a loving embrace, and supportive chill time enjoyed together – no stress. Lovely.

Enough.

Enough.

This is my life. This is my home, and this is the way of my heart. This is enough. 🙂

I am sipping my coffee contentedly, and sifting rather passively through words and ideas. I am open to inspiration but not finding any so far. I am content with this, too. My coffee is very good, and the morning is a pleasant one. My brain is not yet ‘firing on all cylinders’, and I am not inclined to be demanding or insistent with myself; it is a Monday, and there is no reason to rush. (That’s really the big advantage of my leisurely mornings; I don’t feel rushed. Ever.)

Coffee, flowers, and a celebration of morning.

Coffee, flowers, and a celebration of morning.

The days are already becoming shorter. It is no longer already daylight when I wake, and I enjoy watching dawn bring shades of mauve and blue to the darkness as I sip my coffee, yawning, and wondering what to write ‘about’. I feel content and satisfied, and well-rested after a delightful weekend. I find myself already eager to end the work day (that has not yet even begun) to hurry home to… read. Or write. Or paint. Or… do something with and for me, even if nothing more than cooking myself a tasty meal using produce from my garden, or taking a hot shower and enjoying the sensuous pleasure of water on skin.

This morning doesn’t need to be ‘about’ anything besides morning, itself. Enjoying the quiet, the serenity, the cool morning air, and a few moments for myself before the work day is enough. Weightier matters can wait for some other day, some other moment…”now” is not for any of that, apparently; my time is taken up with this very excellent cup of coffee, and the recollection of a lovely weekend.

Today is a good day to savor the moments that delight me and nourish my heart. Today is a good day to pause the hard work, the drama, the focus, and the energy spent on effort, to take a few moments for me just to enjoy me – and the outcome of prior hard work, focus, and energy spent on effort, and the lack of drama day-to-day. Today is a good day to be, on my way to becoming.