Archives for posts with tag: try again

It’s late in the afternoon, on a Sunday… one might even call it “early evening”. The light is beginning to fade after a sunny Autumn day. I’m home alone – a rare treat – and enjoying a few minutes with my feet up. I’d undertaken what seemed to be a pleasant afternoon of … “crafting”? I guess that’s a good word for it… I’ve got our Cricut moved into the studio to get started on holiday cards… once I learn the machine. My Traveling Partner had spent a couple days “tuning up” the 3D printer, and moments before he left for a thing he’s attending this evening, he tempted me to start a couple 3D prints “if I want to”. Let’s be clear; I don’t know 3D printing. I have barely mastered the basics of clicking the right buttons to start a print, how to keep an eye on the machine remotely, and how to gently remove a completed print and prepare the bed for the next one. So… my thoughts that I’d “make a couple cards”, finish the book I’m reading, and maybe watch a couple videos… yeah. Turned out those were some grand fucking plans even before the addition of a little 3D printing. LOL

…I slowed down, took things a thing at a time, and stayed patient with myself…

I spent some time trouble-shooting the blue tooth connection for the Cricut. This is a cool little cutting machine that is sometimes dismissed as a crafter’s tool, or something “easy”. I chuckled to myself at my own frustration; it’s too easy to assume something is easy because it’s small and cute and manageable-seeming. The Cricut Explore Air 2 sitting in my studio is a proper little CNC machine, just small, light-weight, and purpose-built for some craft-y things. It’s still a legit computer-controlled cutting machine. The software is still relatively complex, and there’s a learning curve. I am embracing the challenges, watching tutorials, trying things out. I’ve got a lot to learn.

Like a lot of things, it’s not as easy at it looks. lol

Similarly, the 3D printer is pretty amazing. I’m printing a selection of fun (flat) snowflakes that will become ornaments… maybe. LOL Here, too, there is a lot to learn before I can ever say I “know how to use the 3D printer”. So much to learn. The machine. The software.

It’s a snowflake. I needed the win. lol

…It’s tempting to oscillate between “fuck this” levels of frustration and foolish assumptions about how “easy” any this will be, with either of these machines… like it or not; there’s plenty to learn, and I am a long long way from “mastery”. I’m not even fighting it. I make mistakes, seek to understand where I went wrong, and go back to the tutorials. Distractions – even simple things like the laundry, or a delivery, or the other fucking machine, throw me off and it’s back to the beginning. Having a brain injury slows me down learning new things. I do my best to account for that. My original plan focused on just one of these machines; it would have been wise to stay on that path. LOL I planned wisely, and executed poorly.

…I got excited about new things and cool machines…

Still… I did get the Cricut connected (to my laptop). I am actually printing snowflakes on the 3D printer. I have made my first cuts with the Cricut (and promptly tossed those into the trashcan, because I definitely messed them up completely with commonplace dumb-ass-ery, and distractions) and tried a more successful piece of work using the Cricut to draw a complicated design onto card stock using fun gel pens, which satisfied me more than it probably should, since it is also … not quite right. lol

…And I’m almost done with the laundry…

It’s a good afternoon. Educational. Fun. Rewarding. Relaxing. Hilarious. None of my mistakes have done any damage or any harm, and the worst of them has resulted only in a bit of wasted craft material. The price I am paying for this “seminar” is being paid in wasted paper and well-spent time. lol I’m enjoying myself.

Now, it’s time for a cup of tea, and some quiet time letting what I’ve learned seep into my recollection for later. Soon enough it’ll be time to begin again. 😀

This morning I sat down with my coffee and the recollection of a simple task I had reminded myself to handle this morning. Easy stuff. Add a profile picture to an email account. No problem. On it. But… no. It wasn’t that simple. I appeared not to have administrative access to those details, directly. Wild. Am I not an administrator on this account, I wondered? I checked. Nope. I am an administrator… should be able to do this… what am I missing…

I get a log in prompt… no saved password. Well, shit. What was that password? I noodle around awhile unsuccessfully. I drink more coffee. I go do something else. I come back to this task. I repeat those steps and a few others.

I started to become frustrated, then paused. Walked around the block. Came back to my desk thinking about the context in which the email account with the profile I was looking to update was created, just this week… I found my success almost by mistake, looking at a sticky note with a password jotted down, crossed out, rewritten; I had been figuring out what the password would be, and went through a couple iterations. I didn’t think it would have been for this email account (for which I had failed to save the password on my computer)… but the timing was similar… so… I tried that one. It worked.

Here’s the thing; we go through this life without clear instructions, and without a map to guide us. Doesn’t matter if you follow some strict belief system with rules laid out explicitly or not – we’re largely on our own and making most of this shit up. True of hiking new trails, finding a new apartment, building a new relationship, or yeah, even setting up new email accounts. We don’t always have all the information we may need. Our decisions are not made in advance, generally. Our results will vary. The outcomes are not certain. It’s not always a given that someone else will have an easy answer for us, even when we know what questions to ask (and we often don’t).

…Sometimes we’ve just got to figure it out…

(No, I’m not saying it’s “easy” – it fucking isn’t.)

Begin again. Try something else. Approach the thing differently. Give it a rest and come back to it. Work at it. Take notes. Maybe just move on from it if the struggle subtracts all remaining value from the potential achievement. There are verbs involved – count on it.

“Success” isn’t even always about what we think it is… sometimes it’s about the decision-making to “cut our losses” and just do something else. lol

Figure it out. You’ve got this. One way or another…

Are you ready to begin again? 🙂

Finding a path to emotional wellness is more challenging than clickbait headlines or upbeat advertising leads us to believe. The encouragement we seek from friends, family, and therapists doesn’t making doing the work involved any less difficult, tedious, or frustrating. Progress is often the result of slow, subtle, small incremental changes over time that can be hard to celebrate, they’re just so… mundane.

It takes longer than we expect, to pull ourselves out of our worst bullshit and move on to better moments.

It takes more work than we expect to learn better self-care, better communication practices, and emotional resilience.

The work we put in often goes wholly unrecognized and unrewarded.

The slogans, homilies, and aphorisms of wellness and positivity can become toxic when forced or inauthentic, or if we just don’t feel any sense of progress or forward momentum.

Our negative self-talk can undermine our progress in therapy.

It’s just all very much a bit hard than it can appear to be through the lens of someone selling us on the idea of wellness, or on some particular treatment plan, new Rx, or catchy buzzword-laden new fad. Like it or not, there’s still quite a lot of actual real effort involved in finding our way through life to become the person we most want to be. It’s complicated.

You’re going to need to “do your own homework” on this one.

There’s no quick route to success in most things. That’s true of mental health, too. No shortcuts. No magic tricks. No cure-all easy “take one pill each day” remedy. No fancy retreat. No instant win. Mental health and emotional wellness do not exist on a fucking scratch-it. It’s not a lottery.

There are verbs involved. Your results will vary. You’ll likely get the best results on the things you are seeking to change or improve upon in your life because you want those changes and improvements. Shit that feels like an obligation or something you are doing to benefit someone else (or because you tell yourself you “have to”) won’t get reliably good results quickly – and it’s already a fairly slow process. I don’t say that to be discouraging; do you. I’m just pointing out that the things you change because you want them are easier. Relatively speaking. For some values of “easy”. It’s all very much still a lot of work.

You can not actually purchase the results you seek.

Do the work.

Seriously. If there’s somewhere in life you want to go, you aren’t going to get there standing still. That’s just real. Do something to move in that direction. Start small. Hell, stay small – small steps are still steps.

I still write about the value in practicing specific practices because a) I still find value in them and b) I’m still fucking practicing. The slow improvements of incremental change over time can seem tedious sometimes. There’s still improvement. It’s just slow – but the slow improvements have tended (for me) to mount up pretty reliably over the years (yes, years – as I said; it’s slow). It’s been worth it. Life is that much better now than it was then. I enjoy my experience of myself that much more now than I did then.

Am I free of stress and sorrow? Nope. Have I tidied up all my chaos and healed all my damage? Nope. Is life effortless and easy? Nope. I’m still 100% made of human, and it’s a very human experience. I’m just saying it’s better, and even, generally, very good. It’s been worthwhile to put in the time and effort to get here. I still went to bed last night without noticing I left the front door unlocked after taking the trash out. Human. I still sometimes say something hurtful to someone I care about. I’m still often way too hard on myself. So human.

It’s still worth the effort to improve my self-care, to learn to communicate more skillfully, to learn to slow down and be fully present, to learn to be kind and compassionate, and to heal. There are just a lot of verbs involved. Some days it’s easier to see where I’ve failed than to see how far I’ve come in such a short time. That’s just real – and also part of being so very human.

I sip my coffee contentedly. It’s a good morning to begin again.

We’ve all got them, right? Challenges. Things that are “hard” for us, as individuals. Those don’t always make sense to anyone else – we are each having our own experience. Some things take time, or practice, or self-work overcoming some internal resistance to change. Some things are just… complicated. We have baggage. History. Perspective that is uniquely our own, however much someone else feels they “get it completely”, we have to do the work to “get it” ourselves.

…We have to do the work ourselves. Yep. There are verbs involved. 🙂

I’m looking at playing a new (for me, sort of) video game, with the intent of later sharing that experience with my Traveling Partner. I don’t expect this to be an “easy” undertaking. It is a game that requires specific things of me that I am not very good at, and also struggle to learn or master because they land right in the “thinking holes” that result from my brain injury. Some things I learn pretty well and easily. Some things I learn with effort, over time, with considerable repetition. Some things… I learn, eventually, then lose almost overnight if I am not practicing every day, then learn all over again… with effort… then lose… then learn it again… then lose it, again… over and over until finally pure frustration with having to explain to yet another person, one more damned time, that no, I don’t remember how to do that, and yes, I’m aware we “used to do this together all the time” and no, I don’t expect to pick it up again immediately… and omfg. Shit. I’ve got baggage full of this particular… challenge. lol I gotta let that go.

The peculiar learning challenges that result from my brain injury are weird and persistent, and in a small way part of the awesome that – taken as a bundle of characteristics – are part of this person I am. Over time, I’ve learned to accept that some things are potentially forever out of reach simply because the investment in time and repetition to learn and relearn them as often as necessary to ever become “learned” exceeds the value in the resulting knowledge.

…I’m hoping this particular game is worth overcoming the challenge. I am eager to enjoy the shared experience doing so offers. I’m less eager to deal with the frustration of having to explain my frustration. I’m less eager to listen attentively to someone else’s pointers on overcoming this particular challenge, most particularly when they don’t have this challenge, so… how do they expect to share something with me that overcomes what they don’t experience? It’s a very human thing to want to say “I know exactly how you feel…”. It’s rarely true. As commonplace as so many experiences actually, we each experience those quite differently. Part of being individuals is… being individual. Unique. Being different from one another in small ways, even though we share so much DNA in common, is also an exceedingly common human experience. 🙂

So… I face the challenge with some eagerness, and also with some reluctance – it’s the nature of real challenges, isn’t it? I take a deep breath, and a sip of my coffee, and prepare to begin again.

…I’ll probably have to begin again a bunch of times. I’m ready for that – it’s part of the experience. Well… no more stalling. It’s time to begin again. 😉

 

Just a reminder; regardless whether it “looks easy”, it probably took work. Just saying, it’s rare that things are truly “easy” or without effort, however effortless some other human primate is making it look. 😉 Don’t let the appearance of someone else’s mastery dissuade you from making your own choices, following your own path, or embracing the very real likelihood that learning something new and becoming great at it will require considerable work. 🙂

We’re all working at something.

I have no idea why we’ve ended up with the notion that things need to look easy. That’s a bit weird, isn’t it?

That thing you want to do or learn? It’s worth the work involved. 🙂 Go ahead, go for it – begin! 🙂

…Be prepared to begin, again, a fair few times along the way. 😉