Archives for posts with tag: turning 50

Not a Day Over 50!

June 13, 2013 //

Well, ok – at least one day over 50.

I enjoyed my birthday tremendously, and shared it with people I love. My partners, a couple of my oldest friends, a couple of my newest friends, people who are very dear to me, someone I just met for the first time, all joined me for pizza, some great music, and a bite of cake – the cake wasn’t very good, and I don’t think that mattered at all. lol. The conversation was lively, and it was great to spend this important [to me] day feeling so connected. A far away friend, whose writing I greatly enjoy, wrote to me of the day we met. Seeing a younger self through his eyes was a remarkable 50th birthday present.

This birthday has been about something very different from material goods. Even my aquarium. My partners would have happily set it all up for me and ‘given me an aquarium’ for my birthday. Understanding that I wanted the experience as much as the thing itself, they coached me through all of it, instead. I have relished the reading and learning, and decision-making and shopping as this tiny universe takes shape. I’ve learned some things that proved to be great life lessons and handy metaphors. I am captivated by my aquarium, and when I sit and gaze into it, watching the fish live their lives, and the plants swaying gently in currents invisible to me, I think of the love and affection of these amazing beings in my life. It’s quite wonderful and rather sentimental. 😀 Exceptional birthday. 50…worth celebrating.

My newest garden…

Real life is still real life. I still deal with my share of challenges and frustrations. I still have a brain injury and the resulting weirdness – but lately that has been more ‘quirky’ and occasionally comedic for me, far more often than it has been stressful or aggravating. How is it that things are this much better? I’m almost afraid to look at it too closely. Better is good.

Funny thing – I’ve been in pain, probably about a 7 out of 10, for a couple of days now. I’m not bitching. No, seriously, that’s what I’m saying – I’m not bitching. lol. I hurt, I do. That’s pretty unpleasant. I’m managing to treat people well, and have a good experience, in spite of it. It’s nice. The only down side is that I seriously doubt that my discomfort is at all evident right now. lol. That’s ok – it gives me lots of practice at gentle explicit communication, and willfully treating people well when I am in pain. Those are good skills to hone.

I think I am finally finding balance in a way that works for me…pain, for the moment, is irrelevant. The evening falls softly, and my laptop battery reminds me that life is best lived…time for some ‘now’.

Tags an octobpus's garden, mindfulness matters, ptsd, swimming with the fishes, TBI, turning 50

Categories Brain Injury, gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, women, Words

Now

June 11, 2013 //

The time is…now.

I figured I’d share this bit with you. This particular moment feels wrapped in quiet. The house is dim. Only the light overhead remains, dimmed low for a notion of ambience at some other point in time. It is the last hour completing 50 years of life. I don’t have any particular reason to give for why this particular birthday feels so significant to me. Is it ‘where I am’ in my life? Is it the progress I am making…in life, in love, in work, in…damn, is there any facet of me that I’m not taking a hard look at these days? My experience is that I’m enjoying ‘my experience’ more, generally, and sleeping a lot better – I feel pretty balanced most of the time, and even the hormonal ups and downs are no longer calling the shots. It all seems so mundane in text.

How is it that it feels so significant to face this moment, this place, this…now? 50…in minutes. Oh, I know, I know – just as with ‘end time’ prophesies, or the Y2K scare, tomorrow will be tomorrow. A day. Each moment a new now. I will be who I am. My lovers will be who they are. Love and life will continue in whatever way they will, based on circumstances and choices. I will be 50. So will a lot of other people. Hell, Johnny Depp is 50, or so I read a day or two ago. He seems timeless to me, but I guess someone, somewhere, is probably keeping track of that detail. lol. 50, though, how important is it really? It isn’t. Time is pretty arbitrary, I think. Doesn’t it matter more what we do with it, than that it is?

I had considered something long, and detailed, and nostalgic for this post. Today has been my last day before I am 50. I’ve had a certain sense that I am ‘closing out the first half’…but it’s entirely internal. Based on events and conversations, it’s clear that this is not an experience everyone shares…or perhaps it is difficult to identify with [or care about! lol] from some other vantage point in time? I don’t think I’d have been able to connect with such a thing at 21. Maybe not even at 30. Will I care about 50 when I am 70? It seems unlikely. So…I took some time to be alone with this last hour…just me and…me. Well, and you. Thanks for sharing the moment with me. 🙂

‘Now’ has gotten to be a pretty big deal for me, lately. I’ve learned some things about my values, too, and who I am…and who I am becoming. 50 years is a lot of ‘past’. Some of it will likely live on, isolated within my memory, for as long as the wreckage in my head and in my heart lasts, but what then? Is success forgetting? Is healing really something within reach for me? Who am I when I am whole? What does the world look like through those glasses? Do nightmares really go away? Then what?

This is getting long, and without any particular point. I’ll be 50 tomorrow. That’s when the second half starts, and instead of spending a long while writing, perhaps weeping, and wading through a lifetime of emotions I have already felt, about events I have already experienced, I want to come back to now. This right here. Not quite 50, almost done with 49…timeless in a dark room, the quiet tap of my fingers on the keyboard, the hush of the air purifier, and the house sounds creating this quiet made of sounds that seems more dense and solitary than quiet is intended to be. Now. I will set this aside, finished (do we need more words between us now, in this stillness together?) and end the first half in thought, cradled in a very nice ‘now’ indeed, and eager to wake and celebrate how far I’ve come, and how worth it the journey is proving to be.

Tomorrow…well, it’ll be ‘now’, then, won’t it? lol

Blackberries – summer comes.

Tags changes, it's a verb, it's getting better all the time, mindfulness, ptsd, TBI, thinking of you, turning 50

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Menopause, Metaphors, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Turning 50, women, Words

Gently, Now

June 9, 2013 //

What a lovely weekend. I’m rather hopelessly infatuated with my new aquarium, and Saturday the first fish moved in to their new home. I’m delighted, awe-struck, and captivated. I’m distracted with joy. What an awesome birthday present, from my partners. Life. A tiny universe to nurture, care for, and observe; planned and assembled with great care and attention…

…in 3 days, I am 50.

I started this thinking I had more to say about it than that. I could talk about romance, relationship building, passion, love…or share some thoughts on things, or give credit where due, or perhaps say a long overdue thanks, or express a heartfelt sentiment, or…but here I sit, now. This lovely gentle now. This brilliant extraordinarily pleasant now. This one moment, right here. This one. I don’t know – suddenly I feel as if the one thing I want most to share here, which is now, isn’t something I can share in words, at all. The notion immediately robbed me of words. Maybe more words tomorrow? For me, for now, simply now will be enough.

Simple delight. Now. Enough.

Tags an octopus's garden, love, mindfulness, now, starting the second half, turning 50, whatever happened to happily ever after?

Categories gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

Life, Love, and Another Garden

June 6, 2013 //

My day started gently, easily, and of course – before my alarm went off. lol. It’s new to sleep so deeply, or it seems so. The trickling and bubbling of the aquarium in my bedroom seems to go a step beyond lulling me to sleep. As with rain on the roof or windows, it seems to ease the snarling of ancient demons, and my sleep is less disturbed. It’s quite lovely. I enjoy that first few minutes when the light comes on, seeing the tiny contained universe suddenly illuminated delights me every morning. I had initially hesitated to take on the additional complexity of a planted freshwater community, but wow I do love a garden!

Another garden to tend, to love, to rest in…

Today is just 6 days to 50… and today feels very nice. Yesterday finished well, in the warm embrace of friendship and affection and laughter. The night was easy. The morning, chill. I’m in a lot of pain today, but it seems as near to irrelevant to my experience as pain ever can be. Quite a nice day… I feel contented, and calm, and balanced. My appreciation for this lovely ‘now’ is definitely enhanced by the recent more difficult days/moments…so, less to say and more to experience…

Tags a good night's sleep, gardening, mindfulness, pure morning, turning 50

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

Counting Down

June 3, 2013 //

10…yesterday…and it was a good day. A day I experienced as ‘joyous’ and ‘busy’ and ‘delightful’. Yesterday I set up my aquarium – my birthday present from my loves. I’m so excited about it that sometimes I can’t contain my delight and it spills over onto everyone around me as words – a lot of words – chatter, really, like an excited child. I’m ok with that. It isn’t harmful. lol. I would take a million pictures of it, but honestly – it’s rocks and plants and a couple snails for now, and as excited as I am, I can admit there isn’t enough ‘going on’ to take more than a picture or two at this point. lol. I’m ok with that – so eager and excited I’d happily go home straight away, work half finished, and just sit watching the bubbles rise, and the snails creeping. 😀 Simple pleasures.

Excitement, adventure, and life…better than television.

9…today…fatigue and hormones. A good morning, somehow rather ‘grown up’ and not particularly playful. I woke in a wonderful mood from a deep sleep, and not much inclined toward the serious side of life, but life doesn’t always inquire before she gets started on my day. <shrugs> I’m having a good day – but I feel fatigued to the point of wanting to ‘just lay down for a minute’…except I’m at work, and they frown on that sort of thing. LOL What am I missing? I slept, I managed my calories, I had my usual amount of caffeine at the usual intervals [=junkie, yes I know, as vices go, it is of no significance]…I’m just…so…tired… Hormones more than likely. Shall we skip discussing that mess in a graphic way? Either you ‘get it’ and it is part of your direct or indirect experience, or you don’t. Maybe we can talk more when I’m alert – and hostile toward the world. I always find plenty to say about it then. lol. Should be another couple days… O_0

…and now for a change of topic…

The garden is lovely – and we’ve added a greenhouse! I’ve wanted one for so long. My dear Granny had one, attached to a big big house out in the countryside – when she lived out in the countryside, with a house full of kids. I remember the smell of it, and the warmth that would soak into my bones right away, and the feeling that sunshine was somehow eternal under those glass panes. I remember her potting bench, the different sizes of terra cotta pots, and the soil and her trowel. I remember her teaching me to re-use broken pottery – a broken pot makes a good toad house, and there were so many toads in the yard! I feel a momentary twinge of sadness as I realize how rarely I see a toad in the garden these days. Still, it is a lovely June, and my birthday is nine days away…there is life everywhere! The rose garden, full of blooms, the greenhouse with the tray of seedlings growing and becoming ready for pots, the aquarium and the gentle greenery shifting in the current, soon to be home to new creatures, more life…wow. Life. I’m glad I am here. I’m glad it is now.