Archives for posts with tag: walking my own path
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Does This Road Even Go There?

July 31, 2020 //
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Friday morning. I’m groggy. Sipping coffee. Waiting for the dawn. One more work shift before the weekend. I am eager to sleep in. lol

All week I’ve been sleeping very well, restfully and deeply, but forced to wake to the alarm, and start the work day. By the end of an evening, all I am thinking about is sleeping. I wake in the morning, thinking about how much I want to go back to sleep. During the day, I am mildly distracted by thoughts in the background… of sleep. It would be funny if it weren’t so… “real”.

My dreams have been lively, detailed, and there have been a lot of those. Few nightmares, just dreams. My sleep is good, and this is fairly rare for me, and I am definitely getting both joy and wellness from the experience of good sleep… Damn, I really want to sleep in tomorrow. 🙂

How do I get there from here?

I sip my coffee and contemplate “sleep hygiene” and how little it sometimes seems to matter with regard to whether I am sleeping well and deeply through the nights. I think about the sorts of things that often wake me “prematurely” or “early” on a weekend day, and how little control I really have over those sorts of things. My mind wanders from there to how often I have set my sights on a goal, or destination, and found myself on a journey that could not possibly lead to that result or location, generally. As true of sleep as of anything, I suppose.

…At least I am sleeping well…

My yawn splits my face and I almost fail to stop the hand holding a coffee mug heading quickly toward that wide open mouth that is very much unprepared to drink coffee… disaster averted, and no coffee spilled, I stifle my laughter (silly human primate) to avoid waking my Traveling Partner, asleep in the adjacent room. I think about the days preceding this one. I think about the days ahead, and about life and love. I am content and joyful. It’s a pleasant start to a Friday.

I sip my coffee, quietly. The morning unfolds quite gently. Evidence of changing seasons appears as my reflection in the window, instead of seeing the sky beginning to lighten; it is still quite dark at this hour, now, already. “Summer is here” isn’t much different than “autumn approaches”, at this hour of morning. 🙂 I find myself wondering what autumn will look and feel like here… and yearning, ever so mildly, for the rain to come. It’s been several hot days, and I miss the rain. It hasn’t rained since we moved here, even though just days before we moved out of the duplex, it had rained steadily for many days. My delight that the rain stopped for the move has waned. lol The move is over… I’d like some rain, please!

I don’t control the weather.

I let the morning unfold with thoughts and reflections on how very much in life is beyond my control… and how very much is actually within my control… and how to make the most of the distinction between those. I think about missed opportunities to make a decision, and how those circumstances became “decisions” that altered the path I was on at that time, and beyond. I find myself grateful to be where I am, with the partner I have.

…Damn, I hope the entire day is as pleasant as these moments that begin it. 🙂 Unfortunately, I can’t linger in this that now… it has already passed, and a new moment is being lived. Another nice moment. 🙂 Another new beginning…

What will today be like? I guess I have to make that journey to answer that question. 🙂

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Categories Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

Strange Times

July 27, 2020 //
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I’m sipping my coffee, quietly reading some news. I give up on it quickly; most of the news is at best a bit of a downer, and at worst holds some amount of potential to be a significant mood-wrecker. I stifle a sneeze, and wonder why I haven’t put a box of tissues in my studio, yet? No, I’m not ill. It’s just a stray sneeze. Dust? Or allergens of some sort. I return to my coffee and my thoughts.

Where does this path lead?

I took my first walk in the countryside since the move, on Saturday. It was a lovely day for it. The entire weekend was sunny. Saturday was pleasantly warm and somewhat mild. Sunday was ferociously hot for the area. I enjoyed both days quite a lot. The walk was lovely, and I am glad I got out on the trail, although most of the walk was simply around and about the new neighborhood. 🙂 Plenty to see, all of it new, most of it entirely ordinary. 🙂 Small pleasures still count as pleasant.

There is the usual assortment of roadside flowers in bloom to be seen along the way.

I walked a bit more than a mile. Far enough to walk a new path, to see some new points of view, and to wave at new neighbors.

I crossed a small foot bridge passing over a small branch of the creek that flows past our house.

The walk was enough to make my ankle ache, by the time I had returned home. Still, I wasn’t in much pain this weekend, and as improvements in quality of life go, a reduction in pain is a good one to enjoy. So, I spent the weekend enjoying that. 🙂

I sip my coffee, now, enjoying my recollections of the weekend just past, and thinking about the day ahead. Later on, I’ll drive “into the city”, which I’m not looking forward to at all. It’s just a necessary errand. Portland is seriously “stirred up” right now, and I’ve no interest in becoming mixed up in that chaos. I looked over my route, yesterday evening, and verified it does not need to take me through the heart of things, down near the courthouse, before confirming my plans. Portland, Oregon, has a lively protest culture, and I have long respected and valued the willingness of Portland’s citizens to take a stand against injustice. That feeling does not diminish the experiences of profound inconvenience and considerable risk that go along with attempting to pass through an area filled with protesters, counter-protesters, and aggressive law enforcement. I make a point of keeping my distance, unless I am intending to be an active participant. Safer.

I notice that thoughts of protests, protesters, and conflict, have caused my heart to pound and my breathing to become shallow. I take a deep breath, exhale slowly, and relax. There is no threat here, just me and this cup of coffee, which I am enjoying very much. I think about my Saturday morning walk, instead, and feel my shoulders relax, and my heartbeat slow down. I sip my coffee and begin to plan my day.

…Pretty routine stuff, but I’ll point out that generally speaking, on the average, things tend to be pretty routine, day-to-day, most particularly if I allow them to be so. I could keep myself constantly in a state of tension, ready for a fight, poised on the edge of drama, constantly examining my experience for threat of danger, or revisiting past conversations looking for an enemy to confront… I know people who do. I once did, myself. It’s not actually a pleasant or comfortable way to live, and it didn’t seem to enhance my quality of life at all – and it didn’t reduce the danger or drama in my life, or do much to actually prepare me to deal with those sorts of things, in fact. It was just uncomfortable and emotionally messy. I’m glad I gave up those practices (and they are experiences that do require practice) in favor of practices that tend to tilt life more in the direction of contentment, joy, ease, and satisfaction in life. Turned out that life itself did not need to change much – it was more about my perspective on life needing a change (and how I treated myself in the context of the events of my life). 🙂

I finish this cup of coffee, on an ordinary enough Monday, beginning a routine sort of day. It’s enough. I begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Summer, The Art of Being, War and News of War

An Entirely Different Point of View

July 23, 2020 //
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I’m sipping my coffee, and considering words and pictures. I gave up on reading the news. I woke to the alarm, regrettable but necessary. My Traveling Partner was up shortly after I was (very early for him). I made him coffee, and returned to mine. Quiet morning. I don’t feel quite awake, yet.

Life in the time of pandemic continues to be strange. My hair is returning to it’s natural color as it grows out. Going to a salon to have it cut and colored doesn’t seem like a good idea. It hangs in my face, annoying me. I push it back, it flops back into my eyes, obscuring my glasses. This is definitely one way of altering my perspective (or point of view). It doesn’t get me anywhere I need to go, but it’s definitely a change. lol

Living in a new place has a lot of opportunities for new perspective, or a change in my point of view. Small stuff, mostly. Light switches in “strange” locations will soon become familiar, but for now, they are jarring reminders of change. Differences in light and shadows at various times of day are another shift in perspective. New, different rooms, and making use of space quite differently due to having a bit more of it, all shift my perspective a small amount. The overall effect can be unsettling at times. I’m letting the days go by as gently as I can while I get used to things.

There’s a new view, from a new deck, and new trees to gaze into, across a new distance…

Summer is lush and green.

I’ve begun snapping pictures of a particular perspective, from a particular point of view, often…

…As I once did from a particular point of view along my walking commute in Portland…

…This new view is lush, green, and yes, framed by trees. It’s actually mostly trees. And sky. Trees and sky. It’s a nice point of view to have, I think…

Trees and sky on a recent summer day.

It’s not the sort of fancy view that a shining golden city at sunrise might seem to be…on the other hand, it has a simplicity and easygoing beauty to it that feels relaxed, natural, and perhaps just a bit less likely to be hiding an assortment of unpleasant surprises in its distant beauty. 🙂

It’s a view with some moods and variety, even in summer.

A new point of view, in a very practical and literal way – my new point of view – a place to stand, gaze outward while I reflect inward. A new source of inspiration. “Is the sky still blue?”, a friend once asked me in a moment of heartache and other shades of blue. It was, then, and it is now. Lovely shades of blue on quiet summer days. It’s still a lot of change, and there’s so much to get used to… but I already love this view, so very much. 🙂 It’s enough.

I’m smiling as my Traveling Partner walks away. Love is a nice thing to have and enjoy – and work for. More than “enough”. I sip my coffee and yield to this moment of love and gratitude. My eye wanders to the time. As much as I’d rather just sit with this one lovely moment awhile longer, it’s apparently time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

Practical Details

July 20, 2020 //
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I’m fairly glad the weekend is over. I wasn’t at my best. Yesterday started beautifully, went sideways early, stayed fairly difficult for some time afterward, and was not especially satisfying. It was a cool summer morning, and a very hot summer day. It didn’t cool off enough during the night to get the house below 72 degrees, even with all the windows thrown wide open to the night air. I slept badly. I stubbed my toe as I was getting up this morning. I’ve got a stiff neck, and my coffee tastes like dirt. lol Wow. I could zoom in on what a “shitty morning” this “is”, too… only… It isn’t. It’s just a morning. A blank slate on a new day. A new beginning. There’s more to this new day than a small handful of sour moments, wrong notes, and grumpiness. So many good things are happening this week!

A good thing? A bad thing? Sometimes things are just things; we add the judgement.

I sip my fairly terrible dirt-tasting coffee with more contentment than I can describe with words. I’m okay with today, so far. The gray sky is not bringing me down. The reluctantly partially cooled house isn’t not a deterrent on my good mood. My stiff neck will likely ease as the morning wears on. It’s a work day, and my Traveling Partner is here to take care of meeting with contractors and delivery people; I’m free to focus on work. My desk is very tidy and ready for the day, the result of the work I did in the studio, yesterday; it was the last room to get completely unpacked.

I was overly-sensitive yesterday, prone to taking things personally, and mired in emotional moments – but I still got things done, and I didn’t seek to punish myself for my humanity. I let the tears fall. I got over them. I’m fortunate to have a nurturing, care-giving, partnership of equals built on love – but I also recognize how hard my bullshit is on my partner. I sip my coffee wondering if he is also glad yesterday is behind us? He still sleeps – will he wake eager for the new day? I hope he does.

I hear a car alarm somewhere in the distance, quickly silenced. The sky is lighter now, as day approaches. I make room in my morning for gratitude, for new beginnings, and for contentment and sufficiency. I remind myself of things I want to get done, calls I want to make, and plans for the day. I finish this coffee. It’s already time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Despair, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

So Far, It’s a Fine Morning

July 17, 2020 //
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I woke ahead of the alarm this morning – and it’s a good thing I did, since I apparently forgot to set it. lol The house is quiet. My coffee is good. Things are quickly coming together around the house, too. Soon we’ll spend more time living life than moving in. 😀 Probably by the end of the weekend… That makes it how many days since we got started on the moving in…? 17 days? Sounds about right (although we did “take a couple days off” over the 4th of July holiday weekend…)…although, to put a finer point on it, several of those days were moving out days. I look at my calendar notes and think about the moving for a moment. 17 days. My Traveling Partner has done much to get us moved in comfortably… I would not be this far along if I’d moved solo (as I did with my last 3 moves).

I sip my coffee contentedly. Every morning this week, I’ve started my day a bit more moved in. A bit more order snatched back from chaos. A bit more familiar with new surroundings. I’m sleeping decently well, too (although I’m waking up around 1:30 am, most nights, for no obvious reason, then returning to bed).

…Home…

It’s a nice feeling.

I yawn. I’d so rather have slept in this morning. lol One more work shift, then the weekend. 🙂

I notice the time… I could begin again… seems a fine moment to linger over, though, and I’m not yet finished with my coffee. I decide to take some time for me, slow down a bit, and savor this quiet moment. It’s enough, just as it is.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being
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