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Feels Like Summer

August 28, 2019 //
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Well… It definitely feels like summer, now. LOL In fact, it’s too hot, and it’ll be very nice to have the A/C back. 🙂

…Last night was lovely, anyway.

Here it is another morning. I managed to sleep, mostly thanks to the first rate job of keeping the house cool that my Traveling Partner managed, first cooling it off, then closing it up before the day began to heat up. I say a silent “thank you” – because it could have been much hotter in here, this morning. 🙂

I spend some minutes on my meditation cushion…”thinking cool thoughts“, aware things could be much worse than a couple summer days with no A/C, and appreciating how fortunate I am.

I sip my coffee and think about a friend whose life seemed to veer abruptly “off course” just as things were really turning around for him. I feel fairly helpless, a bystander on his journey, a fellow traveler who has walked a fair few hard miles; I would help, if I truly could. The choices, and the verbs, are his. I want more and better for him, and too see him choose wisely. I sit with my thoughts, remembering darker times, and the support and encouragement that were actually all around me, but that I could not see, and did not know how to accept. I wish my friend well, over coffee, and hope that he really understands I am here if he needs to talk, or even to just sit quietly in the sunshine. It can be a complicated journey to make alone, no map… I hope he remembers to begin, and then begin again, often. I hope he forgives himself.

I realize I’ve left a video of snow falling playing in the background. I grin at myself; I think I feel cooler. LOL

…Definitely time to begin again. 🙂

 

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Categories Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

This Failure Isn’t Mine

August 27, 2019 //
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The smell lingers in the air, this morning, something like an electrical fire, something like something different than that – pretty unpleasant, regardless of comparisons. The A/C went out last night. My Traveling Partner tried not to wake me, opening a window in the bedroom so I would sleep more easily. I was grateful for the interruption in my sleep; I was dreaming that I was struggling to wade through an endless field, knee deep in rotting onions. That was also pretty unpleasant… although once I was awake, and the dream had mostly faded, the smell definitely got first place on “things that smell bad in the middle of the night”. lol

I tossed and turned awhile, unable to go back to sleep. I was sleepy, and it was vexing me that I could fall asleep. At some point, I inhaled quite deeply, and sighed heavily, resigned to a sleepless night. I felt my body relax, a bit, and realized I’d been breathing in a very shallow way, almost panting, trying to avoid the smell of the failed A/C. Well. That’s not the sort of breathing that encourages sleep at all. LOL I took some deep breaths, exhaled slowly, and allowed my body to begin to relax again. I focused my attention on the fresh air coming in through the window.

The alarm went off at the usual time… a new day. The forecast? Hotter than 90 degrees (F). Damn. Well… there’s A/C in the office…? I wonder for a moment how long it may take to repair the A/C… in the summertime. I sip my coffee and consider myself fortunate to have this particular problem. I lived most of my life without having A/C at all. I remember that first window A/C, in my childhood home… later… I briefly owned a home (no A/C), rented several places as I traveled with the Army (no A/C), left the Army (no A/C), moving from place to place, rental to rental, A/C just didn’t come up, much. Lived for a time with a woman who owned a lavish home, she had A/C. Another rental, another window A/C – a gift from my Traveling Partner – and that was a pleasant luxury, for sure. It didn’t fit the windows in the next rental, at all. LOL Now here. So… more living without A/C, than living with it. I guess I’ll get by just fine until it is repaired. 🙂

…I miss it already, in advance of today’s likely heat. LOL What an amusing practical opportunity to practice non-attachment, to let go of expectations, to practice good self-care, and to refrain from taking things personally. 🙂

…I can still smell the lingering scent of the A/C failing… I sip my coffee, and begin again (without A/C). 🙂

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Well… I Guess That’s Fair…

August 26, 2019 //
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I woke up in pain, after a restless and interrupted night’s sleep. Unsatisfying. I definitely didn’t get the rest I need. No obvious cause. I woke around 2 am, my Traveling Partner sleeping beside me. I was uncomfortable, and unable to return to sleep. I felt “over-heated”, even though the room was comfortably cool. I’m well-past menopause, so the obvious “hormones!” battle-cry seems a less than ideal “fit” for the experience. Still… I know what to do about that. I get up, and go out onto the deck for a few minutes, in the cool fresh air. I can almost taste the hint of approaching autumn in the scent of the breeze.

I come back inside to reluctantly face the likely restlessness of the remaining portion of the night. I want to avoid disturbing my partner’s sleep, and crash on the couch, wrapped in a super soft, super fuzzy throw. Comfy. Cozy. I expected to drop off to sleep pretty much immediately.

…I was still expecting that, some time later, quite awake. LOL I didn’t fuss over it. No point. Just adds stress to the experience, which amplifies the feelings of fatigue, later on. I roll over one more time, finding just that utterly comfortable position, and feel my whole body relax, and my mind gently drift off… The alarm goes off almost immediately, once I am really settled into falling asleep once more. I get up with a sigh, as I turn off the alarm clock by feel, in a single motion as I rise from the couch.

Okay, okay; the moments aren’t all easy. The nights aren’t all restful. lol. I do what I can, with the ingredients I’ve got. It’s enough. I can begin again from here, no problem. 🙂

…Lovely weekend, though. 🙂

I keep smiling at my coffee, each time I take a sip. Nothing really wrong with this moment. 🙂 I’m grateful for the day ahead, without interrupting the earliest hour of my morning with work details. Beginning again is enough. Certainly, there is time to finish my coffee. 😉

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

Love Rollercoaster

August 25, 2019 //
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A morning with some challenges. I sip my coffee, finding my center through music. Love Rollercoaster feels appropriate. I take another sip of coffee, clean up my subscriptions in YouTube… astonished that I ever subscribed to that. What was I thinking? For real? Life and love, as journeys go, aren’t a smooth, well-lit, comfortably paved, straight broad path from this moment to the next. Like a lot of journeys, sometimes it’s gravel, sometimes it’s grassy, sometimes it’s a steep climb, other times it is so effortless is passes nearly unnoticed, caught up in my own unrelated thinking about it in the abstract. Like a rollercoaster? Sure, near enough, I suppose.

I’m not cross or unhappy this morning, and eventually I settled into a comfortable groove, feeling good. This Love Rollercoaster has many twists and curves, and I’ve learned much about love. The morning just got off to a bumpy start. It happens, and it’s not always about love. 🙂 There are other things going on. Let’s start with aging – and pain. Aging sucks in one or two regards – pain being one of those. I’ve got mine, my Traveling Partner has his. I woke this morning, with him, we each had our reasons for wakefulness to do with physical pain. Feelings were briefly hurt over unintentionally harsh words, because… pain. We both let it go, quickly, because neither of us wants to add to the other’s hurting, and we both mean to treat each other well. Affectionate reassurances, and loving heartfelt apologies, and the moment is behind us.

I had made coffee for us both, but we weren’t really up for coffee together; the morning started too early, and with too much discomfort. I sat down in my studio to chill with some music videos. I’d have gone back to bed, but had awakened feeling “triggered” and on edge by my own pain, and sleep wasn’t going to come easily (or, possibly, at all) – and I was near enough to “well-rested” to let that go, I just needed to restore that sense of balance, and begin again. 🙂 Eventually, my partner pops in to admit that he’s not really ready for coffee, after all, and shares his intention of attempting to go back to bed. Makes sense to me. I would, if I could. 🙂 He offers me his coffee, apologetically, appreciatively, and lovingly. I’m warmed by the gesture every bit as much as I would be by the coffee… sometime later, after I finished mine, I go get his – still warm. I smile, pleased to have a second cup of coffee without running the grinder and potentially disturbing my partner’s rest; I know he needs the rest.

I sit in the warmth of what an amazing weekend this has been for love and loving, without trying to analyze it – just enjoying it.

I think about our lovely evening the night before – dinner out with friends, hanging out at our place, afterward. It was nice. My smile deepens. Brunch with a friend at noontime – also quite delightful. Good weekend. I sip my coffee feeling content and satisfied. Fulfilled? Definitely. Happy? I think maybe, yeah. Feels good.

The difficult moments this morning weren’t personal, weren’t any sort of attack, really weren’t a big deal – just difficult, and actually, very very momentary. I can deal with that. I can also remember a time when a moment like that one this morning would not only have blown my day – it would have blotted out my recollections of this delightful weekend of love, affection, romance, and shared experiences with friends. I’d have drowned my heart in emotional “weather” – unable to enjoy the lovely “climate” in this period of my life, generally. I’m glad I have undertaken so many small practices that prevent me from becoming mired in a painful moment and unable to connect with a joyful life.

Quite a lot has gone into getting from “there” to “here”. 🙂

I sit quietly sipping my coffee, appreciative of how far my journey has taken me, how wonderful love is, and how pleasant it is to be so easily able to let go of the small stuff, and bounce back quickly. Basic mindfulness practices. Real actual practice. Verbs. Incremental change over time. Lots of books (have you seen my Reading List??). Lots of practice. My results have varied, and I’ve avoided taking that as a personal failure, beginning again thousands of times. What works, works; we become what we practice. 😀

…Well… It’s a lovely Sunday. Time to finish this coffee, and start the day. 😀

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Categories forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Summer, The Big 5

Fearless Joy, Limitless Love

August 24, 2019 //
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I’m sipping my coffee, and smiling. Profound joy, and great delight, fill me up this morning. I’m content. Well-loved. My coffee tastes good. I got the rest I need. It is simply a lovely morning, and I’m in love. 🙂

…The love, and loving, do tend to “light up” the day, most splendidly. 😀 I hear love songs in my head.

It’s a bit peculiar… I was so cynical about love as a younger person. I’d been hurt too often, too deeply, to “believe the hype” or appreciate the promise offered by real intimacy. It was a painful journey from that place, to this one, and I struggled for a long time to balance my tendency toward inappropriately deep (often undeserved)loyalty, with my lack of ability to form healthy attachments, or bond closely with lovers.

… I’m not there, now. Love feels so much different, from my vantage point, now, it is quite tempting to take a satisfied approach and figure “damn, I’m awesome at this love stuff!!” I’d lose a great opportunity to continue to grow my skills, and deepen my relationships, if I did. 🙂 I breathe, exhale, relax, and let go of my expectations and assumptions, and sit present on a lovely morning, feeling loved.

Last night I came home to work to a magical wonderland of being loved, appreciated, valued, and cared for. It was an evening of connection, intimacy, warmth, and an experience of deep, lasting passion – with a human being who is also my best friend. Wow. I’m still smiling. My Traveling Partner blows my mind with his ability to love, to demonstrate that love, to share it, to deepen it, to connect with me.

This morning, I sip my coffee, smiling at the world, and myself. Love is “all that“. Love really does “matter most”.  🙂 I’m grateful to have the chance to experience, explore, deepen, and enjoy the love I know. It’s hard to embrace the next moment (or begin again), just now… I’m very much enjoying soaking up the love in this one. 😀 I think I’ll do just that, for now, sit here, contentedly, feeling the love.

p.s. I love you.

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Categories gratitude, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5
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