Archives for posts with tag: what matters most?

Perspective, Balance, and Pandemic

April 21, 2020 //

Well I’m sipping cold coffee this morning, and taking a short break from work. I’m thinking over the last 24 hours, and also the last 6 weeks. Giving consideration to the challenges of life in the time of pandemic, and finding some opportunities for wholesome perspective, and balance.

I think about the crazy shipping delays on some goods that have been ordered recently. I sit awhile with the recognition that it is a fortunate convenience to have shipping available at all.

I think about the lack of availability of some goods (hey, these are not the hotdogs I like!). I feel fortunate to have access to delivery services, even for groceries, and substitutions mean still being able to have meals, in spite of stock running low on specific items. I feel fortunate to be able to use such services.

I think of the “sanity projects” here at home, and the occasional frustrations when attempting to order this or that item for those, and getting stalled on depleted stock, shipping times, costs. I slow down and recognize how often my partner and I are able to “work around” those limitations, or how often waiting a few more days really isn’t anything more than a minor inconvenience, and a bit disappointing.

I think about small things that have big emotions attached, like a favorite fish deciding to jump free of an aquarium, and landing on the carpet. The stress of being worried over the little guy was (and is) real – but so far, he’s a survivor, not a fatality. Life gets pretty real sometimes, and where loss of life is concerned, a single fairly common fish is a much smaller concern than “COVID-19 vs. humanity”. Feelings are feelings; perspective makes the weight of most of those a much lighter burden to bear.

I think about the small aggravations that go along with working from home (so hard differentiating between work time and life time). I’m fairly fortunate to have this as “a concern”, at all. The fact that I am still working is part of what makes some of the other things so minor, so worthy of a moment of perspective.

I think about how fortunate my Traveling Partner and I are to enjoy each other the way we do, and how grateful I am to be staying at home with this particular human being, rather than some other. I’d be fine alone – but I’m glad I don’t have to be.

Sure, there are some inconveniences. There are moments of unique tension and stress. There is emotional fatigue (I mean, seriously? How much more pandemic news do I really need, right now?). There is also real joy, real intimacy, real connection, and real opportunities to continue to learn, grow, and to practice.

So… what now? Another beginning, I suppose. I’ll start with this perspective, and gratitude, and proceed from there to kindness, empathy, and patience; we are each having our own experience. Those are not all uniformly easy, or stress-free (most are neither easy, nor stress-free) – why would mine be?

Here’s hoping each new beginning you embark upon takes you closer to contentment and perspective, and that your days give you reasons for joy, even if you must search for those. ❤

Tags be love, be the change, begin again, betta fish jump, breathe, choose wisely, consider, consideration, COVID-19 vs Humanity, curbside pick-up, emotional self sufficiency, experience, fortunate, get it delivered, goods and services, life in the time of pandemic, MBSR, meditation, patience, perspective, practicing the practices, relationships, sufficiency, super easy barely an inconvenience, take-out, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?, working from home

Categories Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Big 5

Still Staying Home

April 20, 2020 //

I’m sipping this great cup of coffee, this morning, before work. The news is still focused on the pandemic. No surprise. It’s getting weird, though. The number of people frustrated enough by stay-at-home orders to begin protesting those is fairly astonishing. Seriously, People? Stay-the-fuck-at-home. Good grief. This is not about profit or economic measures of success, it is about survival. My suspicion is that most of the folks suddenly raising their voices in protest are being manipulated by business interests (in some cases filtered through politicians or pundits) eager to get back to making profits, and avoid the looming risk of having to actual pay substantial healthcare and sick leave benefits long-term, beyond this crisis. It’s too easy to capitalize on individual frustrations with having to stay at home. Some folks already live on the ragged edge of what they can afford, and they can’t legitimately afford to be either out of work, or staying at home. It’s uncomfortably harsh, and very few people have received any of the promised relief being discussed. Still…

…Stay-the-fuck-at-home, for fuck’s sake. Lives are depending on that. People you know and care about. People you rely upon, but have never met. Real people.

The weekend was lovely. This cup of coffee is excellent. This moment is calm and characterized by contentment. It’s the beginning of another work week. I take time for gratitude (I am fortunate to be able to work from home). I also take time for perspective (not everyone is able to work from home) and empathy (how scary to feel confined while resources run low). I consider the practical details (delivery services are available) and the people who make it possible for everyone else to stay at home – because they are out there working, for the rest of us (delivery drivers, cooks & stockers, warehouse workers, waste collection people, mail carriers, healthcare professionals…). Complex times.

I sip my coffee and think things over. My cuticles are ragged from stressful picking at them when I’m not aware of it. Fucking hell – the least I can do is not tear at my damned cuticles. lol I find some value in that thought; maybe that’s the “hook” I need on which to hang that change of behavior long-term? It’ll take practice… my results will vary, most likely… but it is a choice, and I can begin again.

A small change can really impact our quality of life – even during this time of pandemic. 🙂 A choice can become a practice. A practice can become a change, over time. We become what we practice.

…What are you practicing?

It’s already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags be the change, begin again, breathe, can I get curbside pickup?, choose wisely, COVID-19, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, is delivery available?, just stay home, Last Week Tonight, life in the time of pandemic, lives are at risk, MBSR, mindfulness matters, money money money, perspective, practicing the practices, profit motive, real values, relationships, safe at home, stay at home, staying home, sufficiency, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Big 5, Uncategorized

Patience

April 19, 2020 //

Yesterday was delightful. My Traveling Partner and I spent the day together (how else, in this time of pandemic? lol). We played video games – not generally my “thing”, and I’m not very skilled. My partner was terrifically patient with me, giving me room to play, learn, and grow, while gently offering some useful tips, and coaching with great care to respect my autonomy, and consideration for the time it takes (me) to learn new skills. So much fun! It matters a lot for the quality of such experiences, when he is patient with me.

…Illustrating that point, I took 2 years of keyboard lessons, and never learned to play keyboard, at all, mostly due to my grandfather’s impatience with me just completely sucking the fun out of the entire experience and totally “putting me off” of it, permanently. Same thing when I sought to learn to play guitar, only that time the impatience was my Dad’s, and my instructor’s. It’s been a recurring theme affecting a number of experiences over the course of a lifetime.

…Sometimes my own impatience with my humble efforts, and frustrations with understandable failures during a period of learning, have resulted in dropping some hobby or eagerly sought experience, simply because it was not enjoyable, at all. Why would I put myself through that misery? Hasn’t been worth it. So… my skills and developed competencies are a strange hodge-podge of things that were sufficiently easy to learn that I learned them, or sufficiently engaging to learn that I overcame beginner’s frustrations with pure will. My aquarium(s) fit in that latter category. I love them and delight in them too much to abandon the work needed to “level up”, learn new skills, and take on the real work involved.

I sit here contemplating the new shrimp tank (formerly know as my “thug tank” due to being thrown together to house some aggressive skirt tetras who persisted in hassling my betta, and eating my shrimp). It’s… kind of a mess. lol Oh, not in any horrifying way, but less tidy than it will become over time, while also “too sparse”. I have to wait (patiently) for plants to take root and begin to grown in. I am also waiting for some varieties of plant to simply fail, being less suited to the water conditioned; trial and error on plants and livestock has been a small source of frustration. Everyone who writes or presents content on the topic of aquarium keeping has their own thoughts on the matter, based on their own experience in their own environment, with their own water sources, and their own research. My results vary, whether I follow them, or learn on my own. I do both. My results still vary. lol Patience is necessary.

This tank looks very different now, than it will in a couple weeks. Patience is necessary. Gaming with my Traveling Partner is very different right now, than it likely will become, over time. I am capable of learning. Sometimes it takes me a while, sometimes a ludicrous amount of repetition is needed – sometimes my “learning curve” is dependent on the kind of thing I am trying to learn, and how many “learning styles” it uses (or requires).

I learn best in an environment of positive encouragement and autonomy. I learn fastest when I do the work involved, myself. I learn most durably when there are a lot of opportunities for repetition, fairly consistent in frequency, over time. Few things shut down my learning process faster than impatient frequent criticism. I have only gained this understanding of myself with this much clarity fairly recently – a byproduct of self-reflection on this aquarium-keeping/game-playing path. Fewer distractions. More focus. No real opportunity to wander away in a moment of frustration. Even learning these things about myself, which promises to improve future learning experiences, requires some patience – and a willingness to be vulnerable, and honest with myself about my specific challenges. Now I celebrate! Right?

…Um… No. There are still verbs involved. The map is not the world. The journey is the destination. We become what we practice. My results will still vary. lol This is a very human experience. I’ve simply added some depth of understanding, and a smidgen of personal awareness, to my approach to learning new skills – if I can hold on to that. Maybe I have already learned this before, and forgotten it, and now I am learning it all over again? That’s a real thing for me. This morning I laugh it off; it doesn’t change the joy I experience from watching the fish and shrimp in my aquariums, or the delight I feel when I score well on a game I am playing with my Traveling Partner, and hear his merry exclamation at how well I have done.

Being patient with myself (and therefore, also, being patient with other people) is so worth it!

…It’s time to begin again. 😀

Tags adult learning styles, aquarium keeping, be love, be the change, Beat Saber, begin again, being and becoming, better agreements, breathe, choose wisely, criticism shuts down engaged learning, don't be mean, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, how do you learn?, learn faster, learn new things, life in the time of pandemic, listening deeply, MBSR, mindful loving, p.s. I love you, patience, perspective, practicing the practices, relationships, repetition is learning, self-reflection, taking care of me, TBI, The Big 5, the four agreements, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, VR gaming, watching fish swim, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Big 5

Tested

April 15, 2020 //

So… internet connectivity issues in the 21st century, during a pandemic, while working from home… yeaaaaaaah… so…. wow…

…The world has changed a lot since 2000, hasn’t it?

A couple evenings in a row, we’ve experienced some connectivity challenges. Initially, I soothed my frustration with assumptions that it was, most likely, network bandwidth issues resulting from higher usage during peak hours – after all, my ISP’s status page indicated there were no outages in my area (although, checking the internet showed some consumer self-reporting to the contrary). It got worse, each day beginning a bit earlier, resulting in more frequent interruptions in connectivity, that began to last longer. Each time, resolving itself fully, for a shorter and shorter period of time. I reported it. No resolution, just the usual “did you try unplugging it and plugging back in?” sorts of basic troubleshooting. The next day I tried getting help through chat-based support, and frustrated myself with a fairly terrible customer experience, due to the ISP’s zeal to protect my account security (so, thanks, I guess?) – efforts which sometimes create new challenges because of my TBI. Yeah, that sucked, but apparently there was still “no outage in my area”, and it seemed like our connectivity was back…? Sort of? Mostly?

This morning I awoke and found myself face-to-face with my Traveling Partner’s apparently all night long frustration-journey with the intermittent lack of connectivity having become so severe that it was not possible to connect, which he continued to re-attempt, troubleshoot, and re-attempt some more, without success. His frustration was uncomfortable to be around, but so familiar; frustration is my kryptonite. I get it. What a shitty experience! The longer it goes on, the deeper and more encompassing it gets. Worsening that; all the log-in and authentication details are mine, and there’s never been, previously, any reason for that potential limitation to become a known, obvious, “need to fix this today”, sort of concern. So… he could not simply contact technical support and resolve it with them, himself. (Couldn’t have anyway, since their hours are extremely limited right now, in this time of pandemic; I had to wait until 6:00 am to call.) Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuckfuck. What a shit experience that had to be for my partner! I only glimpsed those final moments at the ragged edge of his all-night-long frustration, before he yielded to sleep, and left calling technical support in my hands.

Some 90 minutes or so later, after chat support fails me utterly, over-the-phone troubleshooting confirms that some piece of technology outside the house has begun to fail (but still tries to serve), and needs a technician to actually touch it. Repair or replace? Unknown, and to be determined. I feel fortunate that there was an appointment window open tomorrow morning. Working from home, for me (probably for most people), requires a fast FiOS internet connection. No connection? No access to work tools. No ability to authenticate to access those tools if I could access them in the first place. lol I sip my coffee and reach out to my team – instead of enjoying my morning hours. (“Fuck this shit”, I snarl to myself, softly, not wanting to wake my partner with my irritation; I have much to do “in the office”, and this is a valued “get it done” day of the week. Super frustrating. My turn.) I start working on rescheduling what can be rescheduled, and figuring what I can do instead of what I can’t do. I succeed in coordinating with my team. I succeed in moving the one critical meeting that very much needs me to be connected to have any value. So far, so good.

It’s still weird that the only work tool I really have available is my email. I mean… seriously? Still, I can get some things done. That’ll matter tomorrow afternoon, and Friday, when I have to attempt to catch up everything else. 🙂

Finally, I sit down here, and begin to write, even though I already know that with this connectivity challenge, it’ll be the spin of a cosmic roulette wheel determining whether I can save it, and upload it, at any point. I actually feel pretty cut off, which feels pretty weird. If I were out in the trees, I muse, I’d be seeking this experience, and embracing it. Right now, though? It’s a major inconvenience. It tests my patience. Clearly, my Traveling Partner’s patience was also tested. It would be nice to be certain whether or not we “passed”. LOL

“Not connected. Trying in 31s…” I look at the router. Flashing light. Yeah, okay, I get it. I sigh, and make a second coffee.

As I pass through the living room on my way back to my studio, I smile at the books; I’ve got plenty to read. I grin at the aquarium; always something to do, to watch, to enjoy. I frown at my partner’s gaming computer… and my work laptop… It is what it is. Today it is temporary, and will (probably) be resolved tomorrow… but… what if it wasn’t? What if, and this is an unlikely “if” but worth considering, what if it were permanent? What if the internet simply failed. No recovery. No reconnecting. What would life look like without internet… after allowing connectivity to become such a critical piece of 21st century life? I mean, sure, books, games, love-making, conversation, crafts, hobbies, gardens… but… what about online shopping? What about connected gaming – or gaming that requires online authentication to proceed with local play? What about work? What about staying in touch with loved ones. (Do you even remember where you last saw a postage stamp in your home? Do you still have stationary?)

I find myself sitting with these questions, and this coffee, watching the dawn turn to day, and waiting for tomorrow… as if there’s no value in “now”. Weird. I breathe, exhale, relax, and pull myself back to “now”. Present. Awake. Listening to the sounds of life beyond this house – the occasional car goes by. Birds are singing. The otocinclus in the aquarium are contentedly seeking out any remaining algae to munch on. Life is very much still… alive. No connectivity required. I finish my coffee, hit my vape, and begin again.

…I don’t really know what today holds, but there are more ways to be “connected” than the internet. 😀

Tags basic troubleshooting, be here now, breathe, call technical support, DNS_PROBE_FINISHED_NO_INTERNET, don't take it personally, fail sauce, Frontier FiOS, frustration is my kryptonite, have you rebooted that router?, internet connection required, It isn't personal, MSBR, No internet, not working from home, OPD, practicing the practices, presence doesn't require an internet connection, read a book, troubleshooting before sunrise, we become what we practice, what matters most?, working from home

Categories Allegories, anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being

Wait For It…

April 14, 2020 //

I’m watching the sky slowly change from dark to dawn. I am, in a sense, “late to work”; I usually start earlier. This morning, it mattered more to start the day gently. I’m in some pain, and also feeling rather fussy in a vague way that persists, beyond my attempt to “troubleshoot” my experience. I mean… “everything” is fine, for most values of “everything”, and for most values of “fine”. Life in the time of pandemic is feeling a bit confining, at times, but my sanity project is keeping me sane, so… that’s working.

The RGB lights in my computer tower twinkle and chase merrily, over, around, back again. The aquarium light slowly begins to brighten for the day ahead. I am awake. It is a new day, well-suited to all manner of new beginnings. It’s a good place to start. 🙂

…Shipping delays make me feel vaguely impatient with life, generally… I breathe, and exhale, and let that go. This is not a unique experience. I’m fortunate to have the opportunity and resources to order this or that, and have it delivered. I sip my coffee and focus on my good fortune, my opportunities, and… the gratitude. Also a good “place” to start the day.

Life is a strange journey, is it not? One step at a time, down a path I can’t clearly see, to a “destination” that is simply an ending, eventually. How will I want to be remembered? What do I want the tale of my life’s journey to say about me, as a human being? Questions worth reflection, and a few minutes over coffee, on an utterly ordinary (for some values of “ordinary”) Tuesday morning, on a week in Spring time, in a year of pandemic.

…

…It’s almost daylight, now. Some time a bit later. Meditation. Coffee. Yoga. It’s unavoidable, at this point… I glance at the time. Yep. Time to begin again. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, delivery, emotional self sufficiency, gratitude, is RGB worth it?, life in the time of pandemic, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sanity projects, social distancing, staying at home, sufficiency, TBI, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Spring, The Art of Being

Perspective, Balance, and Pandemic

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Still Staying Home

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Patience

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Tested

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Wait For It…

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