My Heart, My History

I’m in love. Have I mentioned that? It’s true.  Strangely, it hasn’t been a long-term state of affairs for me, but very little has. I’ve been in love for a couple of years, and I have partners who are beyond worthy of that affection.  Funny it has been such a short time in my life.  Consider this rose:

Nozomi, (Onodera, Japan, 1968)

Not a great picture of her, but it’s early in the spring and there isn’t much going on with roses just yet.  This is Nozomi, a pale pink bud that opens white on a rambling, low ground-cover miniature type bush. She’s quite lovely in bloom, covered with pink buds, then white single blooms of 5 petals. She is also one of my longest ‘relationships’. lol. No kidding – I’ve had this rose since 1993. I purchased her as a young rooted cutting from Ralph Moore‘s Sequoia Nursery in Visalia, California at a very different time and place in my life. 20 years. I have no relationships with lovers, partners, or spouses with that kind of longevity, so far. I have very few friends who have been part of my experience for that long, and even family members with whom I am close have experienced vast stretches of lifetime without hearing from me at all.  Connecting is sometimes difficult for me, and I suspect I have not done justice to the efforts of those who have tried to love me…but somehow I have managed to drag this rose through 7 moves, 2, states, 4 career changes, 3 long-term relationships, 3 in-ground locations, 5 different pots, 3 balcony gardens, a community garden and 20 years…there’s a lesson or a metaphor there, I’m just sure of it. lol.

Yesterday was a festival of pain until quite late in the evening.  This morning feels like a different world.  I watched the spring closely as I walked in to the office this morning. I listened to birds singing. I smelled the fragrances of early blossoms opening along well manicured, landscaped walkways. I contemplated the impermanence of things, the passage of time, and what has remained of all the things that have been and wondered why so much of what I have clung to for so long has been all those things that hurt the most, instead of so many wonderful things that seem, instead, so fleeting.  I thought about spaces and moments I have loved most deeply, both for the relationships, and for the settings.  Some of my happiest moments have been in shared conversation with people dear to me, or interesting strangers. Connections. Words.

At home, I am creating a space for sharing conversations, and folding into it the understanding that being in a serene space often opens our hearts to being more vulnerable in our relationships, more candid in our conversations.  There are roses, and a ton of flowers, and a small bistro table and chairs for two, and every day I bring my loving heart to this space to consider what is next. I am eager to be there, sitting with a friend or lover, sharing a latte and a moment of quiet conversation, building my history out of happier building blocks; mindful, serene, and compassionate.

A quiet spot for conversation

I’m more than a little embarrassed to realize that ‘the way I feel’ in the garden, that ‘different something’ that I’ve noticed all along…is mindfulness. Damn. How did I not understand to take it out of the garden and into my life? Well, no reason to be annoyed with myself about it now, it’s beyond me to alter what already exists in my history.  I am, however, eager to feel spring warm to summer and find myself with an iced coffee on the table, and next to me someone I love, sharing thoughts, and words, and continuing our history together.

As I said, I’m in love – and this morning, in my now, that feeling entirely includes how I feel about myself, my own heart, my own experience. I am an imperfect fragile vessel, and you will find my loving heart in the spring garden.

In the spring garden