Yay!  Today is going so smoothly…which, historically, would not be the case after a night of limited sleep, of poor quality, with plenty of wakeful moments, and waking well before my alarm and not getting back to sleep afterward.  I did try to go back to bad after waking around 3:45am…but the alarm goes off at 5am, and I know that, and so do my brain and my body. Sleeping more wasn’t super likely, and it seems I got enough real rest to get by on.  It helped that the small challenges of the weekend didn’t leave me in any sort of residual funk.  My partners were up in the wee hours, too.  We hung out together for a few minutes, and one by one we all went ‘back to bed’.  I didn’t sleep, but it was time well spent in meditation, and even gave me a couple of opportunities to practice some of the new things I am learning about managing my anxiety through self acceptance, and mindfulness; when the anxiety began to rear its head this morning, as I lay in the darkness, it seemed less…real.  I accepted that I have those feelings of anxiety, and I allowed myself some compassion for having to endure some of the negative messaging that plagues me (plagues us all, I’m sure), and simply sort of turned over those words and ideas, and tumbled them around a bit for a better look, without judging them, or even buying into them as being at all ‘valid’ ‘accurate’ or ‘real’… I mean, seriously? They’re thoughts. I can create anything with thoughts, even things I know damned well are not real, so, this morning, my anxious thoughts had no power over me, and went away without even grumbling very much in the background.  😀  That was delightful, and not expected or demanded – I’d have been content to simply accept myself, and coast awhile until the alarm went off.  Instead, I found myself relaxed and calm and quite serene when I rose with the beeping of the infernal alarm…and it’s a lovely day.

I took a few moments this morning, too, to consider my Big 5 of yesterday’s post…I focused on each for a moment or two, asked myself ‘what can I do today to honor this particular quality in my relationships?‘  For a moment I broke out in a cold sweat…and that anxiety started creeping in around the edges.  When I realized I felt intimidated by taking a chance on doing something I think, myself, is the right thing to do, I took a few deep breaths, considered the qualities I am working to improve, master, enhance, experience… it suddenly mattered much less that I feel unsure of myself, and much more important that I do my best to do what feels right.  😀   I am learning to take care of me, and as I get better at that, I find I am more easily able to treat my lovers well, too.  That’s very exciting!

‘Consideration’ is a tough quality to define… and it is one of the most important ones, I think, for living harmoniously with others.  I keep thinking about how difficult it was to Google it and get a clear definition, or something relevant that seemed also unarguable… so, on this one, I am going to have to figure out quite specifically what that means to me, and how to share that information, and also figure out what my lovers need from me in the way of being treated well, and with consideration.  The stack of lesson plans in the school of life and love doesn’t seem to get any shorter… and that’s ok.  I expect to be attending this school all my life.