Archives for the month of: December, 2015
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Comfort and Joy

December 24, 2015 //
1

Yesterday definitely felt like a holiday sort of day, and I enjoyed it immensely. My leisurely morning became my afternoon trip out to the local Ikea, and really it’s every bit that ordinary…only… yeah. I finished the day feeling rather more than typically festive.

One choice I made for the holidays this year was to take a break from therapy and coast on (and deepen) existing progress. I had been feeling uncertain of how far I’ve come, and was finding it harder to appreciate the effort and outcome, while also revisiting old and new hurts over and over again seeking further improvement. I needed a rest, and a chance to really just enjoy some time with the woman in the mirror, as she is, and see what we’ve got going on these days. Yesterday? Yesterday was the icing on that cake – because it could have been a very different day.

I picked up the car and even knowing there would likely be holiday traffic, I followed the GPS and allowed myself to take all the highways and freeways – it’s been a long long time since that held any potential for fun, for me, especially on a rainy day. I made the trip out there and back without incident – and without stress! Wow. That’s a big deal. I haven’t been seeking any improvement on that specific thing – but there it is. Nice.

I picked up the table and chairs I went there for – they were in stock, which I had verified before I left to get them. I didn’t have trouble lifting or moving the boxes myself – also an improvement, although not anything to do with my stress level, it’s just nice to see I am closing in on my fitness goals, too. 🙂 I got home prepared to wrestle with directions, tools, angles, confusion, a headache… the usual. My regular end result is a completed project of adequate functional quality, maybe with a chip or hidden bit of damage incurred due to frustration with myself, or low blood sugar making me stupid or clumsy, and the invention of at least one truly novel swear, and some tears.

Yesterday wasn’t that way at all. After I turned in the car, I sat down and had a coffee and a bite of dinner while I read the instructions once, then twice – and then again while I laid out all the parts in an orderly way for convenience. The table and both chairs were easily assembled without issue – or swearing. I took my time with the work, and the relaxed approach gave me some extra thinking power – I noticed and took time to correct small defects in the manufacturing (holes that were not punched or drilled cleanly, edges that were rough) as I worked. The result on this project? A beautiful table and two cute durable chairs – I have a dining set that I actually like, and enjoyed a feeling of accomplishment to see it turn out so well. Taking care of myself and my basic needs for the win!

Comfort, joy, and enough.

Comfort, joy, and enough.

Once all that was completed, I realized I was tired, and at the end of the day. I spent awhile relaxing and meditating, and made a point to reach out to my traveling partner that I would want a couple of hours in the morning for housekeeping before he heads over for Giftmas Eve dinner… which I will serve on the new table! 😀 That expectation-setting has real value, too; it contributes to keeping my stress level low. Most of the housekeeping is done; all that’s left is one more time with the vacuum cleaner, taking out trash and recycling, and small finishing touches, like making sure the hearth is clear of anything that could be at risk with a merry fire going. No rush, no urgency, no pressure.

I’m smiling and noticing there’s nothing fancy about yesterday that made it so festive – I took care of myself, enjoyed my day, and got things done. Clearly that was enough. I keep using that word – ‘enough’. Sufficiency has grown to become a prominent characteristic in my every day life – and my path ahead; as a concept it serves well to prevent me from yearning for things I don’t truly want or need, simply because they are ‘more’ or even ‘better’. ‘Enough’ matters on this journey of mine, and I am less encumbered by what I don’t have, because ‘enough’ is all I want.

How do you know what is 'enough'?

What’s ‘enough’? Your results may vary.

Today? Today is Giftmas Eve. The tree is lit, and the holiday music in the background sets the mood as I sip my coffee – I have butterflies in my tummy like an excited child who really believes a magic man in a red suit edged in fur on a sleigh flying through the sky will squeeze down the chimney with a fat bag of fun… based on merit, but without actually requiring anyone truly achieve anything. lol It’s pretty silly, isn’t it? I still believe in ‘Santa’… but I believe in what I understand of Santa as an adult; once a year random people reach past their moment and resources to do something extra for someone else – sometimes a lot extra for many, sometimes a little extra for those nearest and dearest. I’ve been Santa so many times… that’s the adult experience of Giftmas; the doing. There are verbs involved in the magic moments (aren’t there always, with all of them?) There are things about this experience I hope to carry forward into the new year – into every year, and every moment – especially the comfort and joy. 🙂

Home for the holidays.

Home for the holidays.

Merry Giftmas, Humanity! Take care of yourself – take care of each other – be generous with your kindness and compassion, and stingy with your anger. Don’t forget to take care of the human in the mirror – that one does so much for you, every day! Today is a good day to show yourself some love, some encouragement, compassion, patience, and provide yourself luxury self-care. 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, women, Words

Awakened by the Rain

December 23, 2015 //
0

I woke to the sound of rain this morning. I also woke to the sound of rain a number of times during the night, briefly, returning to sleep quickly – since there is nothing about the sound of rain that is at all alarming for me. When I last woke, realizing the downpour might have consequences for driving later, my fretfulness about driving in torrential rain – which does cause me some anxiety – prevented me from returning to sleep.

It’s been a strange morning. I started the morning anticipating a fun morning fixing Barbie dolls with some neighborhood girls of Barbie doll age, while sipping tea with their mothers. It seems a very ordinary sort of thing to me, a remnant of a past I grew up with that no longer exists in many places – one in which neighbors know each other, talk in passing, and care. It fits in here in this little community; we help each other out now and then, talk to each other, share how things are going. (I am not the person I was at 25, or at 40 – I wonder sometimes if these simple moments of connection would have had the same value for me then?) It matters to me that Maribel and Anna, down a few doors, have colds today. It matters to their Mother that they not share them with me, or the other older ladies in the community. Simple consideration, simple courtesy, simply neighbors. These things don’t really have a season, you know? They can be done all year. It starts with being present, with being aware, with taking an interest – it starts with smiles and greetings. It doesn’t have to end at all.

The change in my plans slows my morning down quite a lot, and I take time on a variety of small tidying up sorts of chores to make my traveling partner’s time hanging out on Giftmas Eve and Giftmas Day more comfortable. People with allergies are often challenged by apartment conditions that don’t trouble most folks – like ancient abused carpet potentially releasing allergens into the air with every new footstep. Vacuuming, damp dusting, and taking care with details like little corners and covered surfaces. all matter greatly and improve an allergic loved one’s experience. Totally worth a bit of extra time and effort – anything that improves his comfort prolongs my own joy in sharing his company. 🙂 (Verbs again, and always – what we want routinely requires our action.)  This is also not some aggressive agitated drive to reach ‘perfection’ – the love is in the intent, the will, and the effort made. That my lover’s comfort matters to me such that I take action is the important piece of the puzzle. There’s no score or report card, or financial gain, or praise expected – or criticism; it’s not about removing all the allergens from the world, it’s about saying ‘I love you’.

Be love.

Be love.

Slowing the morning down offers more value than extra time to tidy up; I am less anxious about driving in the rain, later. Slowing things down is often a game-changer with my anxiety. A great many things that cause me anxiety are worsened if there is also a sense of immediacy or urgency also associated with them. Slowing things down reduces any sense of urgency by making whatever it is less imminent. There’s a missing step – and it’s an important one; I don’t use that additional time on growing and nurturing the feeling of anxiety. Once basic planning and healthy expectation-setting is managed, I simply move on to other things. “Simply” – it gets easier with practice, it’s not ‘effortless’, it’s just not complicated. 🙂

Today is a good day to practice good practices, and a good day to share them. Today is a good day to say good morning to a neighbor in passing, and to smile at strangers. Today is a good day to recognize how human we each are, each having our own experience, each on our own journey – still so very human that we easily overlook how similar our experiences may actually be…and if we don’t share, we won’t know. Today is a good day to step outside my comfort zone, and be a welcoming presence in my world. Today is a good day to be love. 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter, women, Words

A Morning After a Day

December 22, 2015 //
0

My holiday week continues. Yesterday didn’t have much of a vacation feel to it, and having spent it caring for a distressed loved one I found myself wrung out with fatigue quite early. I’ve been sleeping quite well, lately, and didn’t think twice about crashing out a couple of hours early; no alarm to be set, I could even sleep in (again) if I like.

At the end of a stormy day, feeling a bit flooded.

At the end of a stormy day, feeling a bit flooded can be expected.

It was no real surprise to wake around 2 am, my troubled dreams did not linger in my consciousness and I easily returned to sleep. I woke again shortly after 4:00 am, and got up long enough to take my morning meds (a bit early, but acceptably so), and again return to sleep…only… I didn’t fall asleep again. My brain decided my mind had become a playground for worrisome demons, driven by background stress lingering from the day before. No real surprise there, under the circumstances. I reorganize myself into a position suitable for meditation, and teach my errant consciousness a thing or two about self-discipline – or I try. We play a cat-n-mouse game of meditation versus imagination for a while; when I found my mind wandering, I bring it back to my breath, and again and again, and yet again. Some time later my mind yielded to my determination, and unmeasured time passed in calm internal stillness. Around 7, or a bit after, I roused myself naturally with a deep sign of contentment and a feeling of ‘being complete’ – the only thing missing at that point was a good cup of coffee.

The warmth of the mug in my hand is a pleasant contrast with the chill in the room, and I remind myself to adjust the thermostat controls for ‘home for the holidays’ so that I’m not chilly for the sake of economy at a time of day when I’m not usually home, but am most definitely both home, and sitting around in my jammies the week before Giftmas. Taking care of me has some very practical small details to it, and learning to manage them all well and skillfully is an ongoing learning process.

I see a sliver of ‘lighter than darkness’ peeking through the small gap under the vertical blinds on the patio door, and open the blinds enough to provide a view of the changing light of day. Regardless of the weather, I like the wee bit of not-much-of-a-view and seeing the day progress, and small wild creatures at play just beyond my patio. The view is most appealing because the vantage point from my desk or wee love seat is such that it doesn’t look to anyone else’s windows, which matters to me although I would not easily be able to explain quite why.

After the storms, growth.

After the storms, growth.

In general, the day is off to a good start and this ‘now’ right here is calm, and pleasant, and I feel content and at ease. I don’t know where the day will take me, or what the experience will be like – will it be rich with warmth and love? Will I laugh a lot? Will I smile most of the day, or will challenges chase me? Will love win? Will I look back on the day pleased by the outcome of carefully made choices? Will I remember to take care of me? Will I treat others as well as I would like to be treated, myself? So many choices, options, and opportunities!

Today is a good day to keep the bar set comfortably at ‘enough’ and enjoy whatever the day may offer. 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

This Particular Now

December 21, 2015 //
4

It is a quiet morning. I slept in, and managed to do so in spite of a ringing phone next to my bed, left turned up from the night before. I woke minutes before my exhausted, distressed traveling partner arrived at my door. At this point there is little about my leisurely morning that differs from many other leisurely mornings; I have my coffee, and this safe and quiet place, and I am writing.

There are differences; each day, each moment, each experience differ subtly one from another, however similar in most regards. Today, some differences are small (I spent the morning writing notes on holiday cards, checking addresses, and getting them into the mail – as usual, at the last possible minute). Other differences are more significant; my traveling partner is sleeping in the other room, exhausted but feeling safe and able to sleep in this quiet space. I am ‘standing watch’, quietly writing and drinking my coffee. We care for each other in the face of any challenges the world throws our way, and today he earnestly needs to rest, to give in to sleep, until he wakes rested and able to reason clearly. My vigil affects the content of my thoughts and the emotional tone of the morning. I take time for me, too, ensuring I don’t inherit my partner’s stress (which could potentially render me less able to be rational and supportive). Quiet mornings are excellent for meditation. Meditation is excellent for maintaining perspective and balance in the face of stress.

Today balance is important, most particularly that balance between honest recognition of difficult circumstances in a relationship, and not over-stepping the boundaries as friend, lover, and partner by dictating decision-making in a ‘you need to…’ or ‘you have to…’ sort of way; there’s no win in doing so. The outcome of telling a loved one what he or she ‘must do’ about a problematic relationship is rarely anything other than later stress and agita over the outcome, whatever the decision-making may have been. So, I do my best to simply love my partner well, and listen deeply, and answer only the questions asked, and to do so honestly but without attempting to persuade or influence – to ‘be here’ for my partner, without making demands on his decision-making, whatever my own opinion may be. I sometimes feel as if I am holding a very detailed map… pointing at the map… and saying ‘you see where this is going?’, but it is truly not for me to make decisions about a relationship I am not part of, or to plan the route on a journey that is not mine.

I pause for a moment of compassion for the Other in the equation, feeling complicated emotions myself – a soup that includes concern, sadness, frustration, anger, and a very real helplessness. I have no power to improve things in any way, and no words to share that could change how many verbs are involved, how many choices are being made – or not made – or to ease the suffering, so much of which is self-inflicted. I take a few deep breaths, and think back on other years, other relationships, my own challenges, and as I exhale I let it all go. This one isn’t about me.

Storm-tossed, damaged, emotionally flooded - there is still a chance to begin again.

Storm-tossed, damaged, emotionally flooded – there is still a chance to begin again.

Today is a good day to practice those practices associated with listening deeply, with non-judgment, with acceptance and compassion. Today is a good day to practice those practices associated with not taking someone else’s experience personally; we are each having our own experience, truly. Today is a good day to avoid diving in to ‘fix’ something that isn’t mine, and that I haven’t been asked to fix. Today is good day to ‘be here’ for a friend, a lover, a partner – and to understand that sometimes just being here is enough.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, grief, Healthy Living, Hormone Hell, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5, Words

Begin Again

December 20, 2015 //
0

It’s late. I made a choice to finish the evening gently, investing in small joys I associate with the holidays: the music, the twinkle lights, the scents, and the flavors. By choice, I finish the evening with a smile floating on the current that is the things that are going well, rather than becoming snagged, weighed-down, by something going less well. (It would be a rare thing in life for absolutely 100% of everything to be entirely ideal.) I’m comfortable with contentment, and I have enough for that. I take time for me, and treat myself gently, and well.

Glow

Relaxing in the glow, I begin again.

I meditate a while and set aside enough of my concern for my traveling partner to rest easily and trust his good decision-making. Losing sleep over the circumstances benefits no one. Feeling comforted from within and able to ‘be there’ if called upon, I chill awhile longer in the glow of the Giftmas tree, grateful to love and be loved, and grateful to have enough.

 

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, Words
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »