Archives for the month of: April, 2016
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So Human

April 24, 2016 //
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Fatigue overtook me rather early yesterday, and unexpectedly. I didn’t think anything of it, and enjoyed a relaxed evening, and an early night. I woke around 2 am, feeling stuffy and too hot, although the apartment was a comfortable temperature. I woke again around 3 am, and again at 4:30 am, 5:30 am, 6:15 am… so it went, until I more or less got up for the day, sort of, around 8 am. The very human experience of being ill with assorted symptoms of gastrointestinal distress finds me feeling weak, out of sorts, tired, and that peculiar combination of being simultaneously hungry and averse to eating anything that so often accompanies this sort of illness. Blech. Being sick sucks. It will also pass. (My wiring being what it is, I find some solace in the humorous play on words involved in this particular sickness passing…)

I am sipping on this excellent cup of coffee very much aware that my enjoyment may be quite temporary… I try not to dwell on it, hoping to find that I am able to keep it down, and maybe have some food at some later point. Coffee is not the ideal choice nutritionally, of course, but the headache later if I don’t have at least some coffee now is a complication I’d like to avoid if I can. (This too fragile vessel protests my choice in the only fashion it can… I return to my writing afterward.)

I had plans for today… brunch with my traveling partner… laundry… housekeeping… gardening… yoga… cooking up a batch of chili in the slow cooker… beginning to empty my storage unit (the new place has sufficient storage room that I no longer need it)… but instead, today will be spent taking care of me, and treating this fragile vessel with some tenderness. I am already feeling inclined to return to bed, although I’ve been up only long enough to attempt morning coffee (unsuccessfully) and write these few words. My routines and practices are destroyed temporarily by illness. How very human. I find myself feeling very appreciative that I am not sick very often these days, and further… I am grateful my traveling partner isn’t staying here full-time right now, and is not at risk of picking this up from me, so long as I make a point of keeping my distance until it passes. (I start giggling – the joke just isn’t getting old…and the timing… oh yeah… I break from writing briefly with some urgency seemingly caused by laughing, and return afterward, symptoms eased for the moment.)

Frequent visitors to the feeders, now.

Frequent visitors to the feeders, now.

Today it’s cartoons, taking it easy, and making a point to drink plenty of water. No point taking illness at all personally, or allowing frustration to overtake me; I’ll be over this soon enough to get on with life. In the meantime, the red wing blackbirds have discovered the feeder at the edge of the patio, and South Park never gets old [for me]. It’s a Sunday, and even laundry can wait if it must (I find it a poor practice to handle all my clothes, or dishes, or touch all the cooking surfaces when I am sick). Today is a good day to slow things down, and take care of me.

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Categories health, Healthy Living, pain, Perspective, Sleepless Nights

Staring at the Menu

April 23, 2016 //
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I woke in good spirits this morning, but also in more than the usual amount of pain. So far I’ve been mostly ignoring it with some measure of success. The mild deceptively stormy looking morning found me feeling a bit restless and at loose ends, unsure how to spend my time on what is a mostly fairly ordinary Saturday morning. I had considered a number of things I could do with the day, but didn’t make any firm plans in advance.

Sometimes the journey we plan isn't the journey we take at all.

Sometimes the journey we plan isn’t the journey we take at all.

Eventually, I went for a walk through the park…which became a walk to the farmers’ market some 2  miles away…which turned out to be nothing more or less than a 2-mile walk; the market is still on winter hours, and not open on this particular Saturday. I sat in the park there, where the market generally is, and rested my feet for a few minutes, listening to the breeze through the trees, and the sound of the fountain splashing. The walk home seemed longer than 2 miles, and I arrived at my door tired, still in pain, and feet aching… feeling peculiarly content. I awaken to a different understanding of my experience. I could have gone elsewhere, or done something more, but really it was an effort to make a choice to go/do in the first place; I only wanted to walk, and then to walk some more. Looking back on it, I wasn’t needing to get anywhere at the end of the journey – except home.

I pause for flowers along the way.

I pause for flowers along the way.

...Mostly yellow ones today.

…Mostly yellow ones today.

I feel a sense of ease and relief as I cross the threshold, and lock the door behind me. Home. As I relax into feeling welcome in this quiet safe space, I find myself comparing my pain and fatigue with the length of my ‘to do’ list and decide to do the housekeeping tomorrow, and rest and take care of myself today. Rushing through life robs me of the opportunity to savor it, and to linger over small pleasures.

Simple pleasures: birds at the feeder, a small container garden, a cloudy spring day.

Simple pleasures: birds at the feeder, a small container garden, a cloudy spring day, a good cup of coffee.

I sip my coffee thinking about how vast life’s choices and opportunities really are. What will I make of my life? What are my next steps? Where do I go from here? Who do I want most to be? What do I want to do when I grow up? I laugh, wondering at how much of life seems spent on that question…and why I ask it, even in humor… I mean… what’s with the ‘when‘? There is only… ‘now’.  A drenching steady rain begins to fall.

Today is a good day for small pleasures, and for enjoying moments of leisure. It needn’t be anything fancy, or exotic; taking the time to enjoy living life is enough.

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Categories Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, solo hiking, Spring, The Art of Being, Words

That Next Step

April 22, 2016 //
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I woke to the sound of rain falling, splattering the window, tapping on the roof, even ringing something distant and metallic, a soft chiming sound somewhere beyond my window. I woke ahead of the alarm, rising only long enough to open the window, and the patio door, to let the rain fresh breeze drift through. I returned to bed,  to lay quietly listening to the sound of the rain falling until the alarm went off.

I feel surprisingly organized for so little sleep. I had shared a few sips of my traveling partner’s Turkish coffee over dessert last night, the lateness of the hour may have resulted in the caffeine disturbing my sleep… or not. Today is my last day with my current job. Maybe that kept me awake? Sipping my morning coffee now, it no longer matters; I am comfortable and content.

I am excited about… almost everything, actually, at least for the moment. I am wrapped in awareness of just how many choices and options are spread out ahead of me. Like a gem in an elaborate setting, my traveling partner and I celebrate our anniversary next weekend, and I am excited about that, too. We’ve come a long way together, and have shared a great many things worth celebrating. Even dinner together is a lovely opportunity to pause, and really take notice of how good love feels. It’s nice. It’s some of the best of this human experience.

Where does this path lead?

Where does this path lead?

He’s got his plans for the weekend. I’ve got mine. We’ll reconnect on the other side and share tales of adventure, and gardening. This seems an ordinary enough arrangement… and this morning is an ordinary enough morning. Coffee, a few words, some meditation, a little rainfall…

Today is a good day for change, for progress, for forward momentum. Today is a good day to change some choices, some details, and to reach for the horizon. Today is a good day to change the world… tomorrow I’ll sleep in. 😉

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Categories Free Will, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, The Art of Being, Words

Quietly, or Not So Much?

April 21, 2016 //
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This morning it felt strange to wake to a solitary experience after so much delightful time in the company of my traveling partner day-to-day. I meditated in the stillness, as the cool park air filled the apartment. I made my coffee without concern of waking someone dear. The quiet was delicious… then… endlessly vast and deep. I allowed myself to steep in the awareness of the solitude for some time before moving on to other things. The meditation cushion is returned to its location by the patio door; I am alone here, now, and it is no longer in the way. I glance at it in passing – moving through this space, getting the feel of it again – and it is a strangely poignant moment.

Damn I miss my traveling partner. Yearning fills my awareness. It’s not a tragic feeling, and the subtle sadness of it comes and goes. We’ll see each other plenty, and we both have work to do, goals to work on, time passes – right? Change is. Impermanence also is. “The wheel turns.” Why that phrase now? Someone said it to me once, under other circumstances… I can’t recall who it was. A colleague? A friend? It is a comforting thought that speaks of forward momentum. I’m okay. He is too, I expect. 🙂

At some point, I remember how much I enjoy music in the morning… I turn on the stereo, and start a favorite playlist, and the day begins in earnest as nerdcore rhymes fill the space. I smile. Still missing my partner… still smiling. It’s enough.

It's a journey.

It’s a journey.

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Categories Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, The Art of Being

Don’t Forget the Unexpected!

April 20, 2016 //
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It’s a cool spring morning, and I’ve opened the windows facing the park to let the morning air refresh this space, which had become a bit stuffy during the night. I am feeling more or less content, and fairly well-prepared for changes to come. My back is aching more than usual, and I find myself stalled by that experience for a moment, when movement becomes unpleasant and I fully notice the pain; I breathe deeply, and make a point of letting that go, and redirecting my attention back to the cool morning air that has begun to swirl around my feet as the room cools off.

My traveling partner will soon be actually traveling, other plans, near-future events, work… does it matter why? Not in the slightest, and I already ache with missing his presence. It’s been lovely sharing this lovely space with him. That’s okay too; it’s a powerful love we share, and I definitely feel the tug of my heart’s yearnings when he is away, it’s only reasonable. Wait… is it only ’emotionable’, more accurately? Why isn’t that a word? Reason has little to do with the ache I feel when love is not near at hand. lol Still, with that ache comes ample opportunity to explore the wilderness of my own soul, to study, to meditate, and to paint, and I am eager to embrace that opportunity, as it serves me so well to do so. Mixed emotions. Good coffee, though, and I find considerable comfort in ordinary pleasures.

…Coming home tonight will be… weird. Solitary. Certainly, I’ve missed that for a few weeks, but… I already miss him, and he hasn’t left yet. LOL

I think ahead through the plans for the remainder of the week, and for the beginning of next week. Changes. I contemplate my daily routine, and what to keep, what to change, after my last day of work, and how to structure my time to meet more needs, better… Change doesn’t require me to keep my eyes closed, quite the contrary; life feels well-lived when I am awake and aware.

Just enjoying the journey.

Just enjoying the journey.

Today is a good day to live, eyes wide with wonder. Today is a good day to enjoy the world.

 

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Categories Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Relationships, Spring, The Art of Being
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