Archives for the month of: December, 2016

I woke to the alarm, and fell asleep again. It was a delicious extra four minutes of surrender, followed by the stern advisement from somewhere watchful in my consciousness that the alarm had actually gone off, enough to wake me. The world beyond the patio window is not-quite-blanketed in white. Yesterday’s evening snowfall is still with us. The parking lot is smooth, white, and icy. Checking the weather report and the public transit schedule confirms my choice to work from home is a good call.

My first peek at the new day.

My first peek at the new day.

My morning suddenly shifts, slows down, and my priorities adjust, as I wake up more. I’m working from home today. I gain 2.5 hours back in my day (usually spent commuting) and prevent the loss of 2.5 additional hours I’d have lost to the inclement weather (last night’s commute home was 2.5 hours, itself, instead of the usual 1.25 hours). I’m not even bitching – the walk through the snowy night was lovely, and the commuters on the light rail were fairly merry in spite of circumstances.

A hazy skyline on a snowy night.

A hazy skyline on a snowy night.

I smile in the darkness. I opened the patio blinds first thing to gaze out across the snowy meadow. The only light in the room now is the glow of the laptop monitor; I have not yet turned on any lights, even making my coffee in the dim twilight of a pre-dawn snowy morning. This moment is mine. Well…mine, and of course, yours, and even that of the raccoon who visited during the night, to check for treats left behind by the squirrel and the birds.

We are each having our own experience. Perspective matters.

We are each having our own experience. Perspective matters.

I sip my coffee thinking about the weather. I let my mind wander to “snow days” of childhood. We rarely stayed entirely home from school, but often school would start later. I lived in a different region. It snowed more often, and there was more, deeper (also dryer, fluffier) snow; people are more prepared for snow there, too, and this makes a difference to how well they cope, and how serious it seems. Here, in this community, even a small amount of snow causes real panic. The snow here is sticky, wetter, icy. The tendency toward warmer winter temperatures, generally, often results in brief warming sufficient to melt some snow, then refreezing everything as the temperature drops again (often with both changes happening during the same night). The result? We wake to a world glazed in ice. I have seen this entire city coated with an icy shine, every surface, every blade of grass, every branch, every lingering blossom. I have heard the somewhat bizarre and musical crackling and crinkling as every icy surface begins to fracture with the slightest breeze. It is a wonderland… a rather dangerous wonderland, actually, and people who live here often just call out from work rather than deal with risking their cars or their safety, and schools basically shut down if there is a flake falling. Last night, the train was crammed with commuters who, in frustration or impatience, or fear, parked their cars in the city somewhere along their commute and finished their trip home on public transportation.

I generally just go about my business regardless. I dress for the weather. I make my way with great care. I put on Yak Tracks, bundle up in my cold weather gear, even wear a winter base layer under my work clothes. This morning, I will work from home… Unless it starts raining, and the snow melts away before my eyes (which could, has, and does happen in this region), in which case I’ll quickly dress and head to the office. I make a point of extending my awareness to include compassion and sympathy for workers who don’t have that option, who will either lose a day’s wages, or have to make their way across the ice, through the traffic, to jobs that will be seriously inconvenienced by the call outs of coworkers. We don’t all have the same choices available to us. We don’t all make the same choices when we do. We are each having our own experience.

It’s about that time… if I were going to the office, I’d be pulling on my boots right now. Wrapping my scarf around my neck. Pulling on my hat, my gloves, and grabbing my hiking staff. Instead, I make a second coffee – it’s still more than an hour before I get started for the day. It’s early yet for squirrels or birds, and I check the feeders, refilling them before visitors of the furred or feathered sort arrive. It’s a snowy day, a tougher one for foraging I expect. I add walnut halves, pecan pieces, and pine nuts to the usual corn kernel-sunflower-peanut mix I put out for the squirrel. The winter suet feeder has a seeded block for winter birds looking for seeds, and another block with meal worms and such for birds looking for something different. The winter seed bell is all black sunflower seeds. The blue jays and red-wing blackbirds aren’t so picky, but many of the small birds seem very particular. I enjoy being a good hostess. 🙂 I set up for the day facing the patio.

Today? It’s a snow day. 🙂 Today is a good day to make the ordinary quite extraordinary. Today is a good day to enjoy the moment I’ve got. I think about winter weather and childhood snow days. I recall being told to bundle up, and to be careful out there. I sip my coffee and wonder how I can bring that same quality of consideration and care to all my relationships – and to the world.

I went to be quite early last night. I was tired. I slept through the night. I woke this morning, a couple minutes ahead of the alarm. I feel well-rested. All of that is good stuff. I ended my evening on the recovering side of a bad headache that lasted most of yesterday (and started the day before), and my last few minutes before bed were spent working out a terrible leg cramp – in the muscles of my left shin, which still seems rather strange. The pain, as with any other leg cramp, was quite terrible. It woke me twice again during the night, but awareness and a position change was sufficient to work things out and return to sleep. I’m not in any particular pain this morning, as I sit here.

Not too tired to pause for a beautiful view.

Not too tired to pause for a beautiful view.

If I spend more time, this morning, thinking about the headache, arthritis pain, or leg cramps of yesterday, I will quickly lose sight of not actually being in pain right now, and lose the opportunity to hold this moment in awareness, to appreciate and deepen it, to linger in this pain-free moment. So, instead, I note those less comfortable moments briefly, without emotional investment, and move to on steeping in this moment right here, pain-free, listening to the wind howl around the eaves, the wind chime rocking out madly, and the low whisper-y moan of the wind in the flue pipe, sipping my coffee. The weather forecast is cold. Freezing, in fact, with some hours of snow thrown in later, making it clear it is a winter day.

Even cold winter days offer beautiful moments.

Even cold winter days offer beautiful moments.

I’m missing my Traveling Partner, but not enough to sacrifice our comfort or wellness by making demands on his time, or mine. Yesterday, I was exhausted and headache-y. The day before, he was exhausted, himself. So it goes. The busy weekdays are a tough fit, worsened by the commuter traffic in our area, and the limited amount of leisure left over after working. Moving into my own space with the fairly childish daydream of somehow always being together while somehow also being alone much of the time was an awkward thing, and did not reflect the realities of either of our lives, or our varied needs. It took time to find my way here; content with solitude, content with the time I spend in the arms of love, content that the quality of our time together balances the time I spend alone, also of high quality, as I learn to treat myself truly well, and really care for this fragile vessel, and to adult more skillfully. Lonely is a rare thing these days, even when I miss my Traveling Partner the way I do this morning, as I sip my coffee listening to the wind howl.

This is a lovely morning, characterized by contentment and quiet. I smile and consider the woman in the mirror… When did she become so easily satisfied? …This definitely feels like “enough”…

The morning commute offers some lovely moments.

The morning commute offers some lovely moments.

I’m strangely eager for my walk this morning, as cold as it is. The winter wind will whip across the bridge, it may be slick in places, icy. It’s a good day for bundling up, and I find myself wondering if I would be more comfortable with a hiking base layer under my work clothes today. Oh but to see the blue sky peeking out from behind the clouds, the city illuminated by dawn… it won’t matter that it’s winter in that lovely moment, cold fingers working a colder camera… beauty is worth stopping for. How much slower is the pace of life if we simply stop for each beautiful moment at least long enough to notice it? 🙂

Today is a good day to enjoy beauty, and to pause for pleasant moments. Today is a good day for practicing practices. Today is a good day to be, and to become. Today is a good day for sufficiency.

I woke with a headache, to the sound of the alarm. I’m sipping my coffee quietly some time later, sort of waiting for words to come to me, which is not my most effective approach to writing. Have I used up all the words? Quite possibly, I suppose… there are only so many. 😉

I recognize, sitting here, that it is more accurate to observe that I’ve got things on my mind I haven’t worked out, yet, and since they are both on my mind and not yet fully considered, I find it difficult to write, generally. There is thinking and feeling to be done! I sit with that awareness awhile. There was a time when either the thinking, or the feeling, could have gotten in the way of living the moments, and I would write steadily  throughout, reluctant to fully experience either the thinking or the feelings. Lately I find the participation in life, itself, highly engaging. I find thinking and feeling worthy of contemplation – fearless, fruitful, deep consideration, without rumination. Also without much writing. Later perhaps. There will be time, later.

I sip my coffee, and find it is at just that perfectly comfortable drinking temperature, pleasantly warm, not hot enough to burn my mouth. I finish the cup, and stare into the Giftmas tree for some moments, listening to the aquarium trickling in the background, and my tinnitus ringing, tinging, buzzing, and beeping in the background. (Yes, beeping; a short repeating morse code phrase, as if heard from a distance, quite audible to me though, in a very quite room.)

I make reminders to myself on my calendar: call for a doctor’s appointment, call to cancel a no-longer needed service for my Traveling Partner, make an appointment to get my eyes checked and order new glasses, connect with the realtor about a house I’d like to see. Life. Adulthood. Decades distant from most of the chaos and damage. How then does it still ever have any power to haunt and hurt me so much? Because I choose to allow it? Because that’s the very nature of post-traumatic stress disorder? Because I have a brain injury? Because that’s how our negative bias works? Because we become what we practice, and I’d practiced maintaining that state of things far longer than I’ve yet to practice something different? All of that? More? Other? Sure, okay, even all of that – there are new beginnings within reach, every day. New practices. More time. This life thing truly is a process and a journey; the destination is in the living moments, each one, here, now. 🙂

A second coffee sounds good. There’s time for that. Time for meditation. Time to begin again. The headache sucks, but that too will pass. 🙂 I’m here, now, and I have this moment. It’s enough.

 

No, seriously, do it. Take time to sort yourself out, to figure out who you are – based on your values, your understanding of your experience, your wants, your needs, your chaos and your damage – the highs, the lows, all of the whole of your experience are part of the answer to the question “Who are you?”. The answer itself is that first step on any journey, whether the answer is held in our awareness or not; whether we take the step is part of who we are. Who we are fills that moment, often imperceptibly brief, between when we form the thought or feel the impulse to step forward, and the moment we lift our foot to take the step. It is in the thought itself, and the impulse.

Today is “team building” with my professional peers. I’m okay with that. I find reflection powerful. I find communication useful. I enjoy growth, and relish connection. Should be a fun day.

Along the way, of course, there is structure to which I must succumb, and I find myself doing so with some amusement; I have been here before. Personality tests are often a part of these experiences, intended to foster improved understanding of one another. A younger me would go into it with less comfort and more resentment, understanding that these tests and quizzes have literally zero actual evidence backing them up as having any particular accuracy or validity whatsoever. (I’m not bashing on whatever your favorite eye-opener is, I’m just saying that generally speaking, things like the Myers Briggs test and DiSC assessments have no scientific basis, even after many years of use and data gathered. They are corporate America’s astrology, best done for ‘entertainment purposes only’ and taken with a grain of salt.) I find value in the sharing and communication. I enjoy working with people who feel connected and informed. If a quiz can open those doors, then let there be many such activities! 🙂

I don’t need to be “right”.

I know myself. Well, better than most other people know me, at least. I’m still working on the rest. Am I the “ENFJ-A” of this morning’s Myers Briggs? Hardly. I am a more loosely defined, more variable set of characteristics. I live. Any one quiz, however many questions, makes observations based on a snapshot, a moment, a few answers of ever-so-many more that may be available. An astute observation that results in improved self-awareness, easier authenticity, and a more enjoyable life-experience overall is surely welcome – but I won’t be changing my mind about what I know of myself on the basis of an internet quiz. 😉

I do put effort into this whole “knowing myself” thing, though; there’s more to learn. Like the vastness of space, or the unfathomed depths of the oceans, there is much I do not know about life, love, and the woman in the mirror. On every journey there is an unexplored horizon in the distance.

Today is a good day to walk on, more questions than answers, eyes-wide open, awake, aware, and engaged in this moment.

Giftmas is approaching quickly. I am feeling merry and cheerily invested in what is as likely to be a solitary holiday as not; there is no certainty in my planning these days, and I am learning to be okay with that. It is in the planning that my own comfort lies, and in clear communication and expectation-setting when plans begin to shift, or go sideways unexpectedly. Each of life’s disappointments, hardships, and changes open my eyes to some new perspective or opportunity, a little like a holiday advent calendar.

Let it snow? Sure, why not? Or don't - that's okay, too.

Let it snow? Sure, why not? Or don’t – that’s okay, too.

Last night was wonderfully merry, and definitely my idea of a festive holiday season. My early Giftmas present arrived on my doorstep, and when I got home one of my neighbors brought it over; he’d taken it in knowing I was not home. I had no time to open the box before a small posse of my former colleagues from another company (and dear friends) stopped by for some holiday cheer and catching up on things.  We enjoyed a (rare treat for me) glass of sherry together, and hung out sharing anecdotes, and generally enjoying a couple precious hours together. I miss those guys; seeing them every day was the best part of that particular job. It’s always been the people that matter most, though I didn’t always understand that. 🙂

Eventually, alone again in my quiet sanctuary on the edge of a marshy meadow, fire reduced to glowing embers, I opened the box. I cried happy tears that couldn’t be held back. I ran my fingers along the glossy black enameled lines of the new mixer. Some feminist, right? Standing in my kitchen in fuzzy spa socks, caressing a kitchen appliance, crying happy tears. I laughed out loud, still weeping with joy. Down to the tiniest detail, that man loves me. Fuck, I hope I am truly worthy of such profound emotion.

This mixer is black… it replaces a beige one, a color that was, at the time, a compromise; I had wanted a white one, then. My traveling partner ordered this new mixer, standing in my kitchen while we talked of other things. He chose one that matches my current appliances, understanding my aesthetic. He may even have understood that there is significance in how very “opposite” the glossy black is in my eyes – a gift given truly from a place of love, utterly the opposite in every way to the off-white mixer, which was given out of obligation and delivered into a relationship characterized by violence, violation, and destruction. (Although I loved the old mixer for its exquisite functionality and utility and purpose, every time I used it old damage and pain would surface to fill my consciousness again…over decades.) This morning, I stood in the kitchen making my coffee, smiling at the beautiful black mixer on the counter, alluring, promising good times in the kitchen, and reminding me only of love.

This morning the apartment is filled with music. There’s housekeeping to be done; my Traveling Partner is planning to be over tonight. The mixer stands ready for adventures in baking, and I have a stack of cookbooks next to me that I began flipping through last night. I look at them, and smile, and somewhere in a dark corner one of my demons lays down and dies, as happy tears slide past my smile. “I’m free!!” something inside me shouts with joy. I’m not sure quite what, or quite why.  I’m okay with feeling this good in this moment.

Today is a good day to be merry. Giftmas is almost here. Today is a good day for giving, and a good day for loving. Baking holiday treats may not change the world, but they’ll sure make the house smell wonderful!  😀