Archives for category: Parables

I guess, being so close to Halloween, I can’t really bitch too much about a good scare… but… I sure wasted some precious writing time having a wee freak out. lol

I sat down this morning with my coffee, a bit groggy, still waking up… A small white-ish spider scurried from under my laptop and raced along the edge to the desk and disappeared. Ick. Not a fan, really. I don’t suffer from arachnophobia any more, but I also definitely do not want spiders in my immediate personal space, or… on me. Ick. Nope. All the nope.

I was keeping half a wary eye out for that spider to come back. This was not sufficient to prepare me for Spider-geddon, at all. Oh yeah. It was… extra. Definitely more than enough spiders, when that one wee white-ish spider zipping along became what seemed like fucking dozens of wee spiders spilling out from the keyboard tray, just behind/under my actual damned keyboard. No. Nonononononononono. Not any of this. At all. Fucking hell. ICK. Fuck no.

…It wasn’t Spider-geddon because there were spiders and I object to that. No, not really. It was Spider-geddon because of all the murders that immediately ensued as I began my campaign of death against them. Yeah. Straight up. Killed mostly all of them, and wiped their ancestral home from existence. I left no survivors – or so I told myself with grim satisfaction. Yikes.

My morning is interrupted. One last panicked shiver runs up my spine as I wash my hands, after also re-applying a barrier spray where needed. Autumn in Oregon. Showers of spiders. Avalanches of spiders. Corners, crevasses, and dark spaces filled with spiders. So not okay. Stay off my desk, damn.

Weekend project? I’m definitely tidying up my fucking desk!

It’s time to begin again. πŸ˜€

I sat in traffic seething, most of the way home. I got home feeling aggravated, mostly without any reason for it. It had been a difficult (and weird) day in the office, but honestly none of it really needed an emotional response, so… what was up with me? 0_o

I wasn’t having an easy time sorting it out, and a flash of inspiration took me back to childhood.

…Oh, I remember… πŸ™‚

There were these coloring pages, nearly always captioned “what’s wrong with this picture”, with the goal to find the “mistakes” in the image. From that moment of inspired recollection, I moved on to visualizing myself, exactly as I was, and started “looking for the mistakes” in a self-care context.

  1. Was I in pain? Yeah, that was probably contributing to my experience, for sure.
  2. Was I thirsty? Well, I’d had nothing but coffee yet… and it was well past 3 pm, so… probably. Shit.
  3. Was I hungry? Shit. I’d entirely overlooked any sort of lunch, so… yeah. Low blood sugar, too, probably. Shit.
  4. What about medication, was I on track for all that, too? Well… no. Hardly.
  5. …And I hadn’t even gotten up from my desk once aside from going to two meetings on my calendar. Yikes.

No wonder I was cranky and feeling disproportionately angry with small things. Who wouldn’t be angry after being treated in such a crappy way all fucking day? I went ahead and chilled the fuck out, calmed myself with reminders that I could, in fact, manage my behavior 100%, regardless how I experience my emotions in the moment. (What a relief, eh?)(Seriously – can be done. You control your behavior completely.)

I got home safely. I rarely take OTC pain relievers (for good reasons), and last night I made an exception; it made a difference pretty quickly. I had a big big glass of cold water – from the tap – and took time to experience and savor the moment of gratitude that I have safe drinking water on tap. I made a fluffy scramble of eggs and chopped dark leafy greens of various sorts, and enjoyed having refrigeration and a decently well-stocked pantry. I generously partook of the tasty cannabis at hand. My nerves unwound. I found myself feeling more than soothed… merry? Content, certainly.

Take care of this fragile vessel, humans, and this fragile vessel will insulate you from a lot of drama and bullshit. Treat it like crap, and a crappy experience is what you can expect to endure. Just saying. Don’t make it harder than it has to be. lol

Today? Today I’ll do better. Today? Today, I’ll begin again. πŸ˜€

I am sipping my coffee in a state of contentment and feeling generally okay after an entire day of rest, following the recreational weekend. It’s worth it to take time to get adequately rested. So often, I enjoy a great time, let that occasion undermine my self-care, and move on to a new work week, and interacting with people, without “getting caught up”, and really caring for myself. It’s a poor choice to take that approach.

How much Monday misery is fully and wholly a byproduct of enthusiastic weekend endeavors? Probably quite a lot of it, and I suspect that Monday’s reputation for being a shitty day of the week is caused more by hangovers of various sorts, than by any actual day-of-week-related flaw. (Don’t even start with me about how you “don’t get hangovers”; the science suggests otherwise, and if you don’t like the word, don’t use the word, but for fuck’s sake don’t bullshit yourself about needed after-care!)

I’m sitting here grateful to be more aware of such things than I was when I was in my 20s – my quality of life could have been so much better, and there could have been so much less fucking drama! “Self-care” was not in my vocabulary.

I smile, and sip my coffee. Yeah… I don’t even try to go off the coffee. I recognize the irony. I don’t avert my eyes from the lessons I learn about addiction, generally, and good self-care, just because this particular intoxicant is legal. The legality of any given intoxicant has not one thing to do with whether it is effective, or what effects it actually has, or whether there is a hangover. Words are not experiences. Experiences exist independent of the words we use to describe them.

Take care of yourselves out there in the world, Party People! It’s Monday. Tomorrow is “terrible Tuesday”, too, and intoxicants vary widely in both effect, and duration of effect. If you’re working, you may not be at your best. That annoying argument? Probably a byproduct of your chemistry – you’re usually so much more reasonable, and measured in your responses. That flare up of bad temper? Yeah, excessive is a good word for that – it’s worth reminding yourself that you’re probably prone to being a bit over-reactive right now. You could do better. Are you drinking enough water? Have you had nutritionally dense healthy calories? Have you gotten the rest you need? You don’t need to dissolve into a private emo nightmare of drama and woe – you can practice good self-care, and heighten your self-awareness. Being more considerate of yourself (and, let’s be frank, of others) may ease some of the (literal) headaches of a (hungover) Monday… I’m just saying; you have choices. πŸ˜‰ Your results may vary, but you can choose how to deal with that, too. πŸ™‚

…Adulting takes so much practice. Have you “already completely fucked this day up”? Just begin again. ❀

Before I get much further, here’s this. Humor helps with the anger thing, kind of a lot. πŸ™‚ Battling evil is exhausting – be sure to take care of yourself, and make time to laugh. πŸ˜‰

This morning, I woke briefly, turned over, and began to return to a deep luxurious sleep. No idea what woke me, doesn’t matter much, really. As I sank into slumber, the thought drifted past that I might regret going back to sleep if the alarm went off right away, you know? I dislike that experience. lol So, I thought to just quickly check the time, and peeked at my fitness tracker just to be certain it wasn’t 3:45 or some shit, in which case, I’d generally just get up. 5:54 am. Huh.

5:54 am??!Β Holy shit – how is it 5:54 am?? My alarm! It didn’t go off? No, no… I didn’t set it!Β Shit. SHIT. I’m running late for work! Fucking hell!! I’m immediately out of bed. In seconds I am mostly dressed. Hell, I have decided on sandals instead of socks and hiking boots, before I’ve finished quickly brushing my hair and teeth. Work badge. Car keys. My most efficient and compact EDC (“everyday day carry” – the essentials): driver’s license tucked into my card case, tucked into my pocket. My medication! Back to the bathroom. Almost ready. …I’ll email the office from the car, while it warms up… I remind myself to breathe, to slow my pace; I’m just about ready to go. I can get coffee on the way… It’s 6:06 am.

In the quick sweep, room to room, before I head out the door, I notice the cash on the dining room table (I rarely carry cash unless I am specifically going to a market or event where cards are not reliably accepted) and pick it up to put it in my pocket. I am reminded, as I do so, that I was going to a weekend market on Sunday… that’s what the cash is for.

…on Sunday.

…on. Sunday. …

… … …

Omg.

I stop in my tracks. My head begins to clear. It is Sunday. Right now. Sunday. Sunday morning. One of only two days I can sleep in, most weeks. lol Fucking Sunday. I do not need to be up at 4:00 am. 5:54 am is not “over-sleeping” anything at all, and I am not needed or expected in the office today. I deliberately did not set my alarm because I did not need to be up at a specific time. Fucking hell. I am, however, entirely awake, in the sense that I’m not going to be able to go back to sleep now.

I take a deep breath. I make coffee. I kick off my sandals. I take off my work badge. I hang my car keys on the hook inside the kitchen, just by the door. Another deep breath. Another. I give myself over to self-care, and things like getting my heart rate down, and regaining some perspective. “Overdrive” is intense. lol

This is not actually a novel experience for me, and I consider it a form of sleep disturbance, myself; getting unstuck from time such that I am quite convinced it is a different day/moment/time than it actually is, specifically as a byproduct of dreaming it is so, or not being awake enough to recognize when I actually am, and panicking, committing to the unnoticed error, and taking urgent-seeming actions. It’s all very real… and then, eventually, something alerts me of the mistake, and I can get myself sorted out. One reliable consequence? I can’t get back to sleep.

This “coming unstuck in time” thing is not a frequent thing to come up, but when it does, it is intense, and holds the potential to disrupt 100% of all the lives sharing my space in that moment – because I’m not actually fully awake, just on high alert – and autopilot – and I don’t manage limits, boundaries, and interactions very well in that state. I will wake everyone else up and urge them also into action, fairly…um… “enthusiastically”, so firm is my commitment to my experience in that moment. It’s my reality, until I know better. Inconvenient.

I’m pretty pleased with figuring it out before I left for the office. I’m most definitely capable of driving in that condition – but my judgement and understanding of my perceptions is impaired. It’s likely that the “easy commute” would not have been enough to correct my misperceptions. I’m feeling pretty grateful that I made a point to get cash for the market yesterday – usually I just do it on my way, on Sunday. LOL

Well, shit. Now I’m awake though. Early for a Sunday morning. Good cup of coffee, made with loving hands, and an amused smile. I’m not taking this weirdness personally. No need. It’s just a thing. The moment is already behind me.

Time to begin again. πŸ˜‰ I’ll start with enjoying this coffee…

 

Yesterday was a good one. Productive at work, minimum hassles, an easy commute in both directions, a comfortably chill evening that was also an evening on which I got a few things done; it was lovely.

I sit sipping my coffee and considering it, smiling, feeling content. It’s not that it’s some specific requirement to give yesterday more time, today; it’s just a great practice to make time to savor good moments. Doing so regularly has the power to slowly rewire my brain to be more easily able to bounce back from stress, to live in the context of implicit recollection (and limited certainty) that more difficult moments will be quite temporary, and that life is, generally, good. I have found it a highly effective practice, and along with practicing explicit willful gratitude, it is a practice that has taken me a long way from those dark days, well behind me now, of being mired in past trauma and present stress.

The day begin most delightfully with a ludicrously easy commute. I hit all the lights green. There just wasn’t anyone in front of me. It was… relaxed. There was that big full moon in the sky. It was quite pleasant and utterly stress free. I got into the office, got the work day started, and noticed that big beautiful moon sinking low over the city. I made time for that moment, right then and there, and alerted a camera-toting coworker of the opportunity to grab a couple cool city shots, each of us, sharing that experience with each other. It was fun. A great way to take a break.

One lovely moment. One beautiful city.

The day continued from that point, a series of moments, a series of opportunities, a series of choices. It was a very good day. The evening, and even the commute home, was equally pleasant, and, yes, productive. I managed to get a few things done before yielding to fatigue and arthritis pain, and those things were more merely the end of a day, than any hardship. Balance. It was… worth remembering. πŸ™‚

So, I sit here with my coffee smiling. One nice thing about such an extraordinarily pleasant day? I experienced that, which means it can occur, and if it can occur, and has occurred at least once previously, it could occur again, making it all quite possible. I like that idea. πŸ™‚ It wholly undermines that annoying experience that is characteristic of despair – the feeling that nothing good can come of anything we say or do, and that only bad outcomes truly exist, and well, fuck… then why bother, at all, it’s only misery and more misery, anyway? Yeah. Not pleasant. Also – not true. πŸ˜€ I can do better.

I notice the time. I finish my coffee. The day awaits, and it is time to begin again. πŸ˜€