Living alone sometimes also means feeling lonely. I’m fortunate that it doesn’t come up that often for me; I enjoy living alone. In the words of my Traveling Partner, I “thrive on it”. It’s true. I’m content, I’m happier, I rarely struggle with my symptoms (aside from noise sensitivity and shitty sleep), and it’s been ages since I had a bad meltdown. My symptoms and bad flare ups are mostly triggered by… people. So yeah, living alone works better. But.
Life is a funny thing, is it not? It seems, often, to force me to deal with the shit that is the most difficult when I feel least prepared to do so. Living alone works for me. But. And it’s what comes after the but that is a heavy burden to bear this morning – and I’m “not alone” on this one – but, I am lonely. This morning I ache with it. I woke with it. I went to bed with it. I felt it as a sharp pain late last evening, cuddling the wee stuffed puppy my Traveling Partner gave me as a gift on a whim. (I already love this little stuffed dog, fully house-broken, and very quiet. lol) Loneliness is a real thing, and I really feel it now and again, and it is painful. Anxiety may be a liar, but loneliness? Loneliness is a bully who follows me home, relentlessly mocking me where I am most vulnerable.
Loneliness is actually painful. When you feel it, and you notice, and you wonder that you actually physically hurt – no need to keep wondering, that shit is real. It is uncomfortable. Biology probably intends to drive us to seek out companionship, which makes good sense; we are social creatures, who thrive in company, who succeed together, who celebrate in groups and tribes and families… alone we are… vulnerable to attack. Less well-defended. Small. Singular. Loneliness sucks, and chronic unaddressed loneliness can become mental illness or physical ill health, and even be fatal.
The little stuffed dog surprised me; gift wrapped and left on the front seat of the car, which I’d come to pick up for the week of moving, a couple days early since he wouldn’t be using it, himself. There it was. Soft. So soft. Cute button eyes that sparkle a bit. So soft. I turned to my partner has he came around the corner smiling and tears came to my eyes. His embrace wrapped me in warmth and love and we stood wrapped in each other’s arms a long moment. I miss specific things about cohabitation, mostly to do with intimacy and touch. Like it or not, I’ve made a specific willful exchange in life; I have exchanged hugs, kisses, everyday interactions, contact, intimacy, and frequent sex in favor of improved mental and emotional health (it is generally an unmistakably positive choice that benefits me).
Today, I am lonely. I ache with it. I miss being greeted at the door when I get home in the evening. I miss shared meals. I miss hugs – I miss hugs maybe most of all, even to the point of hugging occasional strangers (in contextually appropriate moments) (if you know me in life, you get how hilarious this actually is). I miss being an everyday part of my partner’s life. I miss having sex, pretty much any day I don’t get to. This morning all of these things make me feel sad. I’m also feeling fairly practical and realistic about it, and understand myself well enough to “get” that it isn’t about inviting random strangers into my bed (didn’t work in my 20s, isn’t the solution now), but I am unquestionably still searching for a really comfortable balance between living alone, and finding/creating the quantity of emotional intimacy and touch that I need to be emotionally well over the long haul.
This morning is hard. My hand reaches without thinking to the little stuffed dog. I scratch its ears as though it were real. I stroke its soft “fur”. A real dog? A real cat? Other pets? I’ve got both baggage and boundaries in this area. Pets are not a good solution to the loneliness issue for me. Β I used to have cats. They absolutely destroyed some precious things I could not replace…and… they walk in their poop, then all over everything else. Just no. Dogs? I grew up with dogs. I even like dogs. But… being responsible for another living creature’s entire livelihood and well-being isn’t something I’m super well-qualified for, frankly, otherwise I might have done the motherhood thing… and… dogs smell bad (to me), and caring for a dog well is a huge time commitment…and… okay, okay, I just have baggage and it wouldn’t be a great fit, can we leave it there? lol Chinchillas? More chaos and damage, and… they seem to me to be every bit as sentient as any primate, so that just feels too much like keeping a prisoner. I can’t. Guinea pigs, gerbils, hamsters, reptiles… I’ve had pets. Lots. (I’ve got an aquarium now, and that’s about my speed, really.) They don’t fully “solve for X” in this equation.
Filling the hole in my experience labeled “I miss being touched” with animal companionship would be, realistically, a second best (for me). Instead, I’ll attempt to be more aware of my needs, learn to communicate them more clearly, learn new/more/other ways to take care of me that may meet those specific needs – bitch about it, undoubtedly – and walk on, wiping my tears away and getting back to other things.
But. I do get lonely. Yes, it hurts. Finding some sanity, contentment, and balance are actually worth the hurting right now, even in this shitty lonely moment. I just have to begin again, and do my best to take care of the woman in the mirror. We’ve always got each other. It’s generally enough.
I understand this well. Its that partnership that I miss. The kind that makes me not mind someone being in my space. The kind that *doesn’t* make me feel I’d rather be alone emotionally or physically. I like the work. It does happen for me but barring my previous marriage, never seems to stick. That being said, I’m enjoying just being content and being me. The benefit has been nothing clouding my sights or perception or enjoyment of life. Lets not call it forever, but for now, it’s good π
π “Nothing clouding my sights or perception or enjoyment of life” – definitely one of the benefits of living alone. I struggle to achieve contentment and “just being me” in shared living situations; my anxiety about what other people may want, need, resent, fear, or may be leaving unstated quickly overcomes me, my emotional volatility gets out of hand when I inevitably stop taking adequate care of myself trying to keep up with all of what everyone else wants from me. It’s unpleasant for all involved. Fuck it’s hard sometimes though – just the simple fact of going days or weeks at a time without being touched, held, or spoken to outside of the office has a certain unspeakable tedious bleakness. Summer months are the absolute worst for me; my partner is busy with work almost continuously (and at least for now I have only the one partner). Still… perspective; no one lives in fear of my moods anymore, not even me, and I am the only one losing sleep due to my sleeplessness. Life feels generally good, and the occasional moment of feeling lonely is part of the human experience for nearly everyone. It could be much worse.
Thank you, SDC. β€
Theres pros and cons to each side, but like you often say that reflection time is priceless. And with the proper perspective on the situation, all in all okay for us types. For a while anyway!
I do enjoy no antagonisms smoldering under the surface, no expectation, and relying only on me…not worried about disappointing anyone. You know the drill. This has been worse than other times because I had a strange unique hope for it, summer was coming, i was excited. All good though, true colors and it wouldn’t have worked. But…didn’t make it any easier. I’m hopeful with a new attitude if all this *ever* washes out of my system…one day π
I WISH I COULD GIVE YOU A HUG!!!!! π«π«π«
I KNOW this is momentary, probably will happen a few more times in your life….. Once again, you impress me with your ability to FEEL your emotions and not let them derail you!
Still wish I could give you a hug and I’m THRILLED that you have that UH-DORABLE little dog to grab and hold onto in all his wonderful softness!!!
It’s like getting to hold onto love when he’s not there….well…kind of…….sort of……OH YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN EH!!! πππ
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I do know what you mean, and thank you.