Archives for the month of: December, 2022
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Change (Still) Is

December 11, 2022 //
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Change is. I could stop there – I’ve even said it before, in those words, on a cold, slushy winter morning, before I started out on my commute to work on that day. I’ve written so many posts about change, specifically, that I lost interest in counting just the ones with “change” in the title long before I reviewed even the past two years (more than 7 with some scrolling). LOL

A recent “change” – a tree came down during a recent storm. Sometimes we expect change, sometimes it catches us by surprise.

Today I woke in a good mood from a pretty unsatisfying night’s sleep. It’s not that the sleep I got wasn’t good quality – it was lovely, just not enough of it – it was more about failing to actually fall asleep until well-past midnight, and waking up quite early. The night before, a passing storm kept me awake – it was windy and noisy. I had plans though, sort of, and I got up, showered, dressed, and headed out as quietly as I could hoping to avoid waking my Traveling Partner. His sleep was interrupted too, and I knew he needed more; he’d asked me to start my day early (and elsewhere) so he could sleep in. I planned ahead; I put my camera and handbag together near the door, and had my coat ready for the likely chilling morning departure. I had a list of possible stops – fun and adventure, mostly, nothing serious or properly an “errand”, I was just heading up the road for a lark, with my camera and a list of places to stop, including some holiday reconnaissance.

I grabbed a coffee on the way and enjoyed the drive. Early on a Sunday morning there’s very little traffic. The morning was chilly – but also delightfully misty, without being really foggy or icy. It was a fun drive. I went… to the grocery store. LOL No kidding. That was my first stop; a bigger, fancier, more specialty-goods-oriented grocery store a couple towns up the road. I rarely go out of my way for the grocery shopping if I can avoid doing so, and it’s usually not at all necessary. This, though, this was just a fun outing. I walked up and down the aisles feasting my eyes on the vastness and selection, and ooh-ing and ah-ing over the holiday items. I bought a small quantity of real Prosciutto di Parma to use in holiday cooking. I picked up some excellent imported die-cut pasta that I know is really great in recipes. This wasn’t a day to buy “all the groceries”. This was an adventure! 😀

I went up the road further along, and visited another favorite-but-distant grocery. (Let’s be real; there’s very little open at 7 or 8 a.m. on a Sunday morning.) There, I walked the aisles wide-eyed by the selection, again. This time I had a couple items I had an eye out for, specifically, although my expectations were low. Still, I did okay. I picked up a big container of the household (domestic) favorite soy sauce I use in day-to-day cooking most of the time (hard to find closer to home). I even found…

Squirrel!

…I was going somewhere with this. Something to do with change, and adjusting to my new meds well and how nicely that’s working out so far… or something… my Traveling Partner comes in to check-in with me about my breathing. I check my oxygen. A few minutes later, he comes in again, same question. Then a third time. I feel myself start to get frustrated with the interruptions breaking my chain of thought. I breathe, exhale, and let that go. I turn my attention back to my writing… I “find the thread” and feel myself pulled into the flow of my thoughts…then… I feel his tender touch on my shoulder, and smile; I feel so loved. My brain is working out the end to the sentence in progress, just as my partner’s frustration with my lack of response boils over as harsh frustrated words. Fucking hell. I pull off my headset and turn to him; I’d gotten “stuck in my head” pretty quickly – it happens – and I hadn’t quite grasped that he was explicitly seeking to get my attention – to tell me communicating with me is easier on the new meds. God damn it. That is frustrating. (For me, too.)

He goes away frustrated and mad. I try to turn my attention back to what I was thinking about before I found myself thinking about this mess… I fail, so I write about that. Don’t know what else to do, besides begin again. We are such human creatures, full of failings and missteps. I imagine for a moment tripping over my own feet just trying to walk down the sidewalk – then I imagine picking myself back up again, and getting on with the walk. This is not the sort of thing worth becoming mired in or catastrophizing – and in that thought, I realize I’ve come back around to my point; change is.

Making even a subtle change (in medication, in behavior, in circumstances, in environment) can kick off a chain reaction of… changes, not all of those anticipated. Even in something so basic as how I communicate with my partner, or he with me. We’re both getting used to things. Most of it is quite good. Some of it is a bit strange or a tad awkward. So far, I haven’t noticed any “down sides”. Oh – one; I need to change the timing on one of my medications from before bed to first thing in the morning (which is the more common approach in for this one); I think that’s what may have been making it hard to fall asleep. It’s a small detail. Another change.

So, I breathe, and I pay attention, and I am patient with myself (and my Traveling Partner), and I let change be what it is. And I begin again. 🙂

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Big 5

Take a Chill Pill

December 10, 2022 //
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I’m sipping coffee, feeling comfortable, contented, relaxed, and I am in a good mood. I didn’t sleep that well, but only because the stormy weather was rather noisy during the night and I woke frequently to the bang of a gate or some bucket falling over in the wind, shit like that. I got enough rest, though, I think. 🙂 Nice start to a relaxed Saturday with nothing substantial on my “to do list” – just a couple errands to run.

Not only have I now started on a beta-blocker (my “chill pill” lol), I’ve also restarted on an anxiolytic at a very low dose (baby steps, seeking to find the lowest effective dose for me). Feels like real progress to start the day feeling specifically the way I do this morning. The lesson here? Get the fucking help you need. Consult professionals. Consult other professionals if that doesn’t work out well. Try something. Try something else. Take small steps – but keep taking steps. I could get spun over “waiting so long” – but there’s no legitimate value in doing so. I’m here, now. 🙂

…Now I’ve got to build the habits needed to stay on-time with my new medications, and relearn small nuances in my experience like the subtle changes to my reflexes and reaction time when I’m driving, and shit like that. LOL Everything comes at a cost. I was a bit surprised to observe that reducing my symptoms of hyper-vigilance would slow my reaction-time when I’m driving! All in good time, I suppose – it will take some practice, and there are some verbs involved. 🙂

The point, generally, that I’m working toward is simply that it is worthwhile to pursue wellness and get the help you need. For real. No one else can do that for you, and it is unlikely to happen without you doing something to get to that better place. Maybe you need medication for what ails you? Maybe you need new habits, a new environment, or a change of lifestyle? Maybe you just need to talk about it with a professional listener of some sort? Worth thinking about. 😀

Life’s challenges can’t be “solved with a pill” any more easily than any other solution available – it’s just one of the many options available for some challenges. It’s not always the “solution of choice”, and it’s not for every person. Finding our way as travelers in life is sometimes peculiarly individual. lol

Is it time for a next step? Time to begin again?

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, health, Healthy Living, medical marijuana, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Sleepless Nights

Just a Few Words in the Morning

December 6, 2022 //
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The prompt on this blank page suggests I share 5 of my favorite things. Thanks, I’ll pass. lol I mean, I could, but haven’t I got a mind of my own? Thoughts of my own? A direction of my own to take this “conversation”? I’ve got my ubiquitous cup of coffee beside me – a treat, in this case, an eggnog latte. 😀 (These ridiculous things have has many calories as an entire meal, so I don’t have them often, in spite of the holiday seasonality creating false scarcity that tends to suggest to me I should have them as often as I can. lol There’s something to learn from this…)

It’s very early. I woke ahead of my alarm, but I don’t know what woke me. Whatever it was likely also woke my Traveling Partner. As I dressed quietly in another room, he got up and came to see what I was doing (…um… getting dressed to make an early, quiet, departure as we’d discussed the night before…?). He went back to bed, curiosity satisfied. (And shortly after I had departed, sent me emoji kisses and let me know he was awake, after all. So much for him being able to sleep in!) I quietly got my things together for a new work day (and week) and headed to the co-work space I frequent, and here I now am; set up and ready to begin the work day after I’ve had my coffee and done some writing. 😀

I don’t really feel much like writing on a theme this morning. Nothing much to troubleshoot of my day-to-day experience. I remind myself to make a follow-up appointment with my G.P. now that my lab results are back. I think ahead to dinner, and take a moment to regret with some amusement that I forgot to bring my lunch today – and Tuesdays are mostly meetings through the midday – hard to walk away at “lunch time”! My mind wanders through thoughts and ideas the way my fingers dance across the keyboard. I’m not yet entirely awake, I suspect. Still working on this first luscious cup of coffee, excessively creamy and smooth compared to the clean bite of a properly made Americano or pour-over served black. The morning feels vaguely celebratory. It was a lovely long weekend, and in general I’ve got what I need in life and then some. I’m honestly still not entirely used to that. There are moments when I find myself “waiting for the other shoe to drop” in a most peculiar way that likely isn’t at all healthy – just very human.

I think about a recent email from a friend (responding to an email I sent over Thanksgiving). I feel fortunate to have so many very good friends. I’ve got a fair few long-standing friendships of many years endurance that I cherish. There are others that are perhaps somewhat less close as the years pass, and I’m delighted when such friends also allow the years to melt away when we again connect. It’s nice. I enjoy my friends. We don’t spend much time together in each others actual company these days; life has blown us hither and thither and the big get-togethers that once characterized some of these associations have either slowly discontinued over time – or I’ve simply gotten too far away to easily attend, myself. Funny where life takes us. I still think fondly of those gatherings and the many friends I’ve made over the years (although I am admittedly really pretty bad at staying in touch). I add an item to my to-do list, “email friends”, and another “do some snail mail”. I enjoy making hand-made cards and writing letters in ink.

The office music this morning is holiday music. A rather glum version of “God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen” tinkles away in the background, strangely grim and suggestive of spooky doings in the night far more than gifts under the tree. LOL

Yesterday, unexpectedly, I found myself feeling rather blue and specifically about the holidays. So many family members gone now. Friends, too. Moments that could once be shared with joy are now nostalgic touch-points, poignant and wistful and sometimes hard to bring up. I am disconnected from most of “my generation” of family, far flung lives that don’t intersect mine anymore that continue somewhere… “out there”. I wonder who my cousins have grown to become? Where life has taken them? Most of the familial sources of early-life trauma (in my life) have died. We are mortal creatures. I was surprised to note, when I did, that their passing did not immediately ease the lasting damage done. I remember being supremely annoyed by that at the time. It’s less interesting as observations go, where I stand today. Doesn’t stop me from wishing I could show them how far I have come in spite of them. I’m not sure that’s really a healthy thing, though, and I guess I’m okay with letting that go. (What choice do I have? It’s tough to schedule a meeting with the dead. LOL)

…What a lovely quiet morning…

…Good coffee…

I pause writing for a few minutes to read the news. It’s the usual dreck. I set it aside and sip my coffee; it’s starting to cool down and this particular coffee beverage is fairly off-putting once it is no longer hot. I’m not inclined to rush it along, just making a point to savor it at its best. 🙂

It’s not really time to start work, yet. I mean… I could, but I am not expected to do so at this early hour. The morning is a mild one, although chilly, and I decide to get a walk in along our “main street”, a good opportunity to enjoy the holiday lights without dealing with crowded sidewalks. 😀 A nice way to begin the day, too…

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Categories Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices

Snowflakes and Shortbread Cookies

December 5, 2022 //
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It was a lovely weekend at home. We had a bit of a snow shower yesterday, and enjoyed a quiet day at home celebrating my Traveling Partner’s birthday; one more of the “winter holidays” to enjoy. 😀 We had a delicious stir-fry for dinner (one of his favorites; bell peppers and beef), and for dessert pumpkin pie (at his request). We hung out, enjoyed each other, and watched the snow fall most of the day, although it didn’t stick much at our altitude, and was gone as the late afternoon “warmth” was enough to turn it all to rain (and mud). I baked shortbread cookies in the afternoon, while my partner tinkered in his shop.

The first snow this year, here.

This morning, my day started quite gently and pleasantly. Good coffee. Quiet lo-fi on the stereo. I’d been up for hours when my Traveling Partner woke. He let me know he did not sleep well. He seems cross and quite out-of-sorts with the world, at least for now, and says he did not sleep well. I offer my sympathy and an expression of regret, as I head to my studio (where I generally write, and turn my attention inward, seeking – if nothing else – to avoid “poking the bear”, and hoping to give my partner some quiet time in which to fully wake up and get his shit together).

My writing is interrupted by my Traveling Partner, who is still feeling cross and annoyed to have slept so poorly. He asks me in an aggravated tone to check my oxygen (using the pulse oximeter feature on my phone). At 99% it’s better than usual, and my attentive upright posture at my desk is intended to support good breathing and also help minimize the pain I’m in. He didn’t ask that question, and yes, I’m in enough pain this morning to have taken an Rx for that almost first thing. I have little enthusiasm for dealing with relationship stress stemming from my pain and his lack of sleep this morning. My solution to the challenges of the morning? Get the hell out of the house, taking my laptop over to the co-work space I generally work from on Tuesdays and Thursdays. It’s a location suited to writing and there’s plenty of coffee available, too.

My arthritis pain this morning is a big contributor to why I chose to simply, quickly, and without fuss get the fuck out of the house as soon as I could; I can manage my pain and my anxiety, but I’m not likely to be easily able to also “manage” (meaning support or account for) his today, too. Seemed the wiser choice to just get the hell out of each other’s way for a while. For sure my writing does not benefit from nagging or vexed interruptions, and neither does my temperament.

…Damn, though… the coffee is so much better at home. LOL

…

…

…

…Yeah, this coffee is so bad it is distracting. LOL Fuck office coffee. LOL

My partner pings me to let me know he misses me. Also to ask about my recent lab results. I take a look, and find myself almost immediately stymied by the VA’s health website. Nothing unusual; their technology and user interface is not exactly state-of-the-art. Funny thing, though; even this small change to my medication (I’m already calling my beta blocker my “chill pill”) has noticeable results even with small day-to-day frustrations. My partner’s morning grumpiness? Not so big a deal – I’ll just get out of his way while he wakes up. No problem. Can’t log into this website or that tool? Meh. I’m over it already and it’s fine; I’ll just do something else and try again later. Not a big deal. Only… these are precisely the sorts of everyday challenges that could upend my entire experience and send me spinning off course, so easily! No tears this morning. No tantrums. Just… moments. Nice change. 🙂 It’s not “everything”, but it’s something – and that’s enough. One step at a time. Incremental improvements will add up. 😀

I sip my coffee and think about the holidays. The tree is up. There are holiday lights on the mantelpiece. There is a Giftmas pudding awaiting its moment. Holiday cards have been sent. The first snowflakes have fallen. Thanksgiving and my Traveling Partner’s birthday are both behind us. There’s no great pressure on the Yule holiday-to-come; we plan for it to be a moment on the calendar, enjoyed warmly, wrapped in love, and characterized more by the festive morsels and holiday cookies than any great number of gifts. We’re focused on other things this year. There will be some small budget for gift-giving, but more of a token of the holiday than a prominent feature is what we’ve discussed. 🙂 I’m even (more than) okay with that. It’s where we are right now.

Giftmas glow. Glad tidings. Happy Home.

I sit for some minutes more. I breathe in and take stock of how I feel. I breathe out and let go of lingering anxiety. I repeat this several times, slightly different iterations with each breath. I breathe in and feel a sense of place within my body. I breathe out and let go of tension I feel in my shoulders, in my back. I breathe in and listen to the quiet of this office place. I breathe out and feel my contentment spread. In. Then out. Just breathing. I “pause” (not the breathing, just the focus on it) to write every now and then. A paragraph. A sentence. A thought. I add a link. I add an image. I look the whole mess over. I resume my observations and my breathing exercise. Back and forth. Breathing. Sipping coffee. Writing. I feel my body and my mind begin to “meet in the middle” feeling more contented and relaxed as I proceed. This is what I was working on when I started the morning. It’s nice to find my way back and “finish what I was doing”.

…It would be nice if the weather were sufficiently pleasant and mild to get a good long walk in…

I think about the day ahead. It’s a day off, although it is a Monday. This feels very luxurious to me. Any time I take a Monday off, specifically, it feels so luxurious. 😀 I’ve a small number of things on my to-do list today – some laundry (just putting clean stuff away), and some tidying up. It’s planned to be a very relaxed day. I hope I succeed there. 🙂 Maybe I’ll bake more holiday cookies…? Maybe I’ll read, or study, or paint…?

I’ve already used one “do over” this morning – it’s good to get comfortable with embracing new beginnings. Useful tool in a chaotic world. Already time to begin again. 😀

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights

Are You Even Ready to Be “Happy”?

December 3, 2022 //
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It’s a good Saturday morning. I’m listening to Megan Thee Stallion reminding me to be who I am without fear or shame. Easier to do when my anxiety isn’t a major problem, and my pain is well-managed. Today is a pretty good day. My recent doctor’s appointment was… surprisingly productive? Better than typical? I feel… hopeful. I’m also on new medication (not even a psych med intended directly for my anxiety, it’s a beta blocker that addresses some of the symptoms that follow prolonged chronic anxiety like my blood pressure). I’m pleased that it is, so far, actually helping – it’s even obvious to both me and to my Traveling Partner. We’re comfortably hanging out again without triggering each other, and without him seeming actually “allergic to me”. It’s super encouraging when medicine works.

It was important for me to be able to give my doctor an opportunity to treat me. To be open to change and to success – and sometimes that’s a more complicated detail than I am aware of. Learned helplessness over time, frustration with prior failures, anger and frustration, these can all get in the way of treatment (whether for physical or emotional ailments). I went to that appointment way more prepared for more frustration and failure than to communicate openly and honestly with my physician, and to be clear and purposeful in that communication. I got a lucky break by way of my relationship with my Traveling Partner. He was rather unpleasantly insistent that I specifically communicate some details to my doctor that he felt were especially relevant from his perspective. I could have dismissed that; my body, my doctor, my health & treatment! The thing is, though, he was on to something – I tend to minimize my own health concerns. It’s a long-standing bad habit developed during military service. “Go hard.” “Be strong.” “You’re a fighter.” “Don’t be a pussy.” “Endure and adapt.” I mean, that’s all fine for soldiers heading into a deployment, but, um, less than ideal in one’s relationship with a physician seeking to develop a good treatment plan for legitimate health concerns, for fucks’ sake. So. In spite of some internal resistance, I made a list. I literally read it off to my doctor, and answered her questions about each item. It was a tad comical, I found, but… I’m also on a new medication we’d never discussed previously, got a bunch of new lab work done (and have a plan to also adjust my thyroid medication based on the outcome of some of those tests), got a referral for a CT scan of my head (looking your way 8-year-headache – we’re coming for you!), and further, even got her wholehearted support of also treating my anxiety more directly (and a commitment to reach out to the clinician supporting that appointment, which is next week, to confirm which options are a good fit for the new medication).

I’m feeling myself this morning. I feel self-assured, comfortable in my skin, and happy to be who I am in this moment. Cardi B “gets it”. I’m not wealthy. Not focused on money all that much. It’s the wholesome (and obvious) confidence that resonates with me. When I am the woman I most want to be, I’m not mired in doubt – I know me. That’s what I want for myself, like, all the time; to rest comfortably in a sense of myself. Self-doubt is an insidious poison. I grin when She turns up in my playlist. I love the confidence of these women. I find myself thinking back to a younger version of the woman in the mirror… I wonder where Megan Thee Stallion will be as a woman of 50? 60? What about Cardi B? Where will their power rest when they are adult women farther along in their lives? Will it be in their financial power and economic influence? Politics? Intellectual endeavors? Philanthropy? How will they change the world from the other side of menopause? When life is less about a WAP than it is about knowing who they are and being that woman?

This coffee is good…

In 191 days I’ll be 60. Fucking hell, and still working to improve my mental health, resolve my chronic anxiety, ease the symptoms of my PTSD, improve my fitness and physical wellness, and become the woman I most want to be. The clock is ticking, eh? It’s a hell of a journey. I make a point of mentioning it because although I’ve made a ton of progress… I’m still walking this path, and there’s still a long way to go. It’s not “easy”. It’s not “certain”. Success is not a given. There’s no report card at intervals. There’s no trophy at the end of the journey. Is it worth the effort? For sure. It definitely has been. The incremental improvements are so very worth it. Yes, I still find myself frustrated, angry, or blue over ancient pain. Yes, I still find myself occasionally mired in my chaos and damage. Yes, there are still tears and they still fall. I’m just saying – don’t give up on yourself. You matter and you have so much to offer the world – and yourself. Get the help you need. Make small steps. Progress so infinitesimally immeasurably small is still progress and it will still get you somewhere, and it adds up over time. There will be interesting “a-ha moments” when you notice how far you have come, and how different (and better) life feels. There are verbs involved. Your results will vary. No one else can do the work for you. Just keep at it, okay?

Begin again. And again. One practice at a time, one step forward from a bad place, one new decision in favor of your wellness… it adds up, I promise you. Your darkest nights will be followed by a dawn – and a new day. (I mean, we’re mortal, so… yeah, but that’s a different conversation.)

It’s a cold Saturday morning late in the Autumn. My arthritis is bothering me. I took my Rx a bit earlier than I would on a work day, putting my self-care ahead of any other consideration today. Later I’d like to get a walk in, once the sun is fully up, and the day a bit warmer. The holiday tree is up and decorated. There is a Giftmas plum pudding steamed and aging for the celebration ahead. It’ll be a modest holiday this year; we have chosen to put our attention and money elsewhere this year (without resentment or regret), and I’m still eager to bake shortbread, to enjoy the lights and the carols, and to spend this time with my loving partner. It means so much to have that option, and to feel so well-loved. 🙂

I’ve rambled long enough – it’s time to finish this coffee and begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, autumn, Brain Injury, breathe, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, Menopause, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being
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