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Cherry Blossoms

May 1, 2013 //
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"Cherry Blossoms" 2011

“Cherry Blossoms” 2011

Love.

I don’t know what exactly to say right now. I’m happy to know love. (I’m incredibly fortunate to enjoy the love of multiple partners.)  There have been times in the past, other lives, other ‘loves’, when I thought I understood…thought I was, in the moment, experiencing love…or Love…or … maybe not.  Usually not. I was cynical about love in my twenties; it had no reality for me, and I was damaged and numb. In my 30s, I was disappointed, disillusioned, and angry about love, or rather the lack of it.   I found love the first time in my 30s, actually, and the love I found was pure Greek tragedy, with no possible future to it in the world I lived in…in didn’t help matters that I was so consumed by personal shame, regret, and long-time self-loathing that I couldn’t possibly have understood or enjoyed love, or treated someone else’s heart well, at that point in my life.  I tried solitude, and found that libido would overrule my best efforts at good decision making for myself again and again – because I knew nothing about taking care of myself, or my own heart; I knew only that experiencing a physical need could be gratified by a physical action. Very mammalian. Very primate. Pretty far removed from love.

Those earlier attempts to love, and accept love in return, hurt everyone involved at some point, on some level, and I doubt I’ve yet learned not to hurt people with my novice efforts at love.  Still…there came a day when love found me, reached me through my walls and mirrors, touched me and demanded my attention in spite of my pain and my baggage and my cynical jokes about love – and I was blown away.  I still am.  There’s no forcing it, either, love is what it is, and there’s an ebb and flow to those powerful emotions of connection, romance, passionate affection, and heart…and I am very much aware of how little I know, yet, about love.

Why am I writing about love? Because love demands my attention today, and I am celebrating an anniversary of love – two years ago today, one of my partners and I chose to underscore our romantic attraction, our affection, our enjoyment of each other, our shared life together…by signing a contract. lol.  🙂  No regrets here, either.  I could say something syrupy about ‘couldn’t be happier’ or go overboard with the hyperbole…but life is very real, and loving someone with my issues – or his – has its complicated moments.  Damn though… I love him with my whole heart and no reservations. I don’t know what more I could say about that – I am motivated to grow and become and thrive, largely on the basis of knowing love. Any love. Real love. It’s…indescribable at heart.  I paint instead.  “Cherry Blossoms” was painted to celebrate love.   So was this…

"Communion" 2010

“Communion” 2010

I’ve painted about 2 dozen canvases inspired by love – this love, this man, this time in my life.  I don’t know where life will take me, or us, or the world.  Love isn’t always easy…but so far, it is always worth living the experience of loving and being loved in return.  I don’t expect perfect 24/7 bliss from love…I hope I enjoy it for a long while to come…I am enjoying it in my now. Happy Anniversary, Love. ❤

"X-Rated" kissed by rain drops. Love, too, sometimes feels the weight of tears on tenderness.

“X-Rated” kissed by rain drops. Love, too, sometimes feels the weight of tears on tenderness.

…And yes, practicing mindfulness seems to have value for love, too.  🙂  I am learning that many of the everyday moments of distress or misunderstanding, the sorrow or anxiety in the sleepless wee hours of a lonely night, the hormonal fury that sometimes still takes me over, all benefit from mindful moments and taking good care of my own heart…because when I do not find love for myself, within my own heart, I lose my way and struggle feel the love offered by others.

Time to listen to love songs…it’s so hard not to post links to each and every one on my lover’s Facebook wall. lmao

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Categories Art, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Uncategorized, Words

Anxiety, Assumptions, and Answers

March 2, 2013 //
1

Before I take another step, I’ll just say “Wow, what a good week”. Credit where credit is due; mindfulness practices, careful choices, and a will to avoid misunderstandings and assumptions are all making a huge difference, or so it seems so far this week, and the vibe at home is very supportive and inclusive much of the time, which fosters growth and change.

This morning I woke anxious after a good night’s sleep. It wasn’t the sort of major panic that brings me to my feet in alarm and puts me in motion before I can think things over, but it was there and my attention was on it when I woke. A glance at the clock and I was relieved that it was definitely to early to bother get up – it’s a Saturday – so attempt 1 to deal with it was somewhat dismissive and irritated, and of the ‘roll over and go back to sleep’ variety.  ( If you have an anxiety issue, yourself, you likely know how that went – the derisive hoots of laughter can be halted any time. lol.) Yeah, so I dozed a few minutes, woke up again – still anxious. ‘F*ck it’, I thought, I am so not getting up early today. Attempt 2 was a trip down the hall for an old school fix ‘get a drink of water and go back to bed’. Right, right. Sometimes it takes me a while to learn new things.  After another few minutes of napping, I was awake again, and this time the clock was pretty near to meeting my morning’s internal ‘suggested waking time’ for the day… damn it.  That‘s when I re-engaged my actual brain, and went through some basic breathing and mindfulness exercises I’ve been practicing all week… and my heart rate started to slow down, my breathing became deeper and more relaxed, my jaw unclenched…and the feeling of anxiety subsided. I was just about to get up when…I realized I’d fallen back to sleep! After my unexpected nap, I woke in a much better place, feeling gently aligned inside myself and pretty calm and centered.  I’m not sure what else to say about this morning…somewhere there’s a hippie thinking ‘I told you so’? lol. Damn it. Nothing to do now but have a quad latte and do some yoga. 😀

So, here it is, Saturday at the tail end of a good week. I think I’ll leave the ‘why am I anxious’ questions off my To Do list completely – because I don’t think ‘why’ actually matters right now. I think I will also refrain from making any assumptions about the feeling itself, as it comes and goes unexpectedly, today. I’m not going looking for answers about anxiety this morning – it’s a lovely easy Saturday, and I will enjoy that about my experience and continue to practice letting small things go, and not taking other people’s experience personally. So, maybe a walk later, and an opportunity to snap some close ups of small things, and a couple errands, and later some plotting and scheming…er… ‘planning’… Sunday dinner. (One of my most fun things every week is cooking Sunday dinner for all of us, and this week I don’t yet have even a notion what I might like to do.)

I hope the Saturday ahead of you is wide open with possibilities and that your choices bring you only the best outcomes. If it gets weird or scary for you, hang on for the ride, and take a minute to just chill and breathe.  It’s been working for me, pretty well.  🙂

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50

Second Chances, Second Helpings, Second Times

March 1, 2013 //
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A second post; it seems less rare these days to find myself writing more words…a second thought, second look… wait a second…(now I’m just having some fun). The thing is, I just feel good today – even playful. Free. As if Life took a deep breath and relaxed. I suspect that it was actually me. 🙂

So, that TED talk on vulnerability really dovetails with other things I am reading, practicing, thinking, doing – and sharing it is just the only decent thing.   Seriously, I’m probably solo for a couple of hours this evening and if so, I am watching it again – with my whole being.

I had a pretty spectacularly ordinary very good day – it has been pleasantly orderly, and interestingly spontaneous, and all without being overwhelming.  I got some shopping done and found my way to some good places: a market, an art supply store, and an art community.  Painting is very much on my mind, and I took the opportunity to round out my watercolor supplies today, and enjoyed a few moments of fun playing with those and getting organized.  It’s actually a little strange to find myself so excited about painting in watercolor again – when I easily could have been doing so at any point I cared to, all along.  How did I miss that I wanted this?

Now day begins to turn to evening under a cottony gray sky with only a threat of rain, and I have satisfied my initial urgent need to see new work with an unimpressive but pleasing sketch of a crumpled receipt in India ink and graphite.  It was a short night, and as my excitement begins to wane I recognize fatigue, and the calm of utter contentment.  (49 years old and I’ll probably be asleep by 9pm! I certainly didn’t envision this when I stared hungrily at the horizon of impending adulthood as a ‘tween. lol) …But…this feels good…really good.  Have I misunderstood what ‘happy’ actually is, all this time?  A thought for another day, another post, another moment to consider what’s going well, and what is working in some other time and space – for now, this right here is enough.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50

Being and Becoming

February 28, 2013 //
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I’m building a regular practice these days whereby the last thing I do each night is meditate. Initially, I contemplate my day compassionately, observing it without analyzing it. I note if/whether there is some event, outcome, or theme that seemed most challenging, or most relevant to my current needs and commit to focusing on a single practice, behavior, or cognitive function the next day,  that may be an improvement on what I am doing now.  Then I let all that go – and just focus on my breathing.  I’ve been sleeping more deeply and restfully since I started doing that… I don’t know that those experiences are correlated.

Today I am focusing on letting small things go.  The most challenging moment I had yesterday was when an associate [who matters to me] interrupted me to say something to me in an incredibly insulting and dismissive tone, rich with condescension and derision, and full of assumptions about my level of knowledge. I was… insulted, hurt, briefly even angry. I struggled with it for a few moments at the time, but the social environment didn’t really permit actually addressing it with my associate directly in a comfortable way [that I know yet].  It still lingered in my memory pretty vividly that evening when I finished my day, so – focusing on letting small things go, today. 🙂 Maybe you don’t agree that being insulted that way is a ‘small thing’? Was I, though?  My associate’s assumptions about me, and their own world view, was the foundation of their reaction – does that really have anything to do with me, other than alerting me that they don’t know me as well as I thought they did – or as well, perhaps, as they think they do? That seems a very different thing than ‘being insulted’ – and I’d deal with it differently.  In the moment, my understanding of events was the result of my emotional reaction to words that were the result of a potentially significant misunderstanding.  I’m glad circumstances gave me time to think it over.

I spent the walk to work happily thinking art thoughts. I contemplated my journey as an artist so far, and considered what I would like to accomplish artistically this year. I observed the bare branches of deciduous trees along the walk, and their contrast against the rainy gray sky. I took note of russet leaves that litter the sidewalk on the way, their many shapes, and shades. I smiled at the lichens on the tree branches, and the moss in the cracks of the sidewalk. Many of the trees are just beginning to bud, or unfurl delicate new leaves. Spring is coming. I enjoyed a feeling of just being, as I walked, and becoming – with the spring – as each day unfolds. I’m eager to get to work in watercolor, again. It’s been a very long time.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

Words That Hurt

February 27, 2013 //
1

Words are powerful.  We even have words to dismiss the power of words (“sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me” is a good example). Words can hurt.  Words, in my experience, can be and often are used in ways that amount to abuse, even torture – ‘water-boarding the mind’.  I can give examples, from my own experiences in life. How about these:

  • You wretched, worthless child – god damn it,  can’t you do anything right?
  • F*ck, you’re stupid.
  • You’re a girl, you only have to be good at cooking and blowjobs.
  • I brought you into this world, I can take you out!
  • No one will ever love you like I do.
  • You can not survive without me.
  • You owe everything to me.
  • Without me you are nothing.
  • Well, some people have talent, I guess you have to do the best you can without it.

Words used to imply the threat of violence in the face of non-compliance…words used to punish, to damage, to confuse… we use words to communicate, but we also use words to control, and hurt each other. Words seem powerful indeed; they can deliver lasting damage without contact of any kind. And the more we hear the same words, the more believable the words seem to be. Eventually, slogans, phrases, ideas, even insults become internalized and part of ‘who we are’. Scary.

I know I’ve lashed out at people using words – mostly operating on a very harmful assumption that although hitting people is not ok, hurting them with words isn’t ‘violent’. Oh, but isn’t it?  Is the emotional pain we deal with as a byproduct of unhealthy relationships any less painful than any other sort of pain we feel? Is it easier or more difficult to heal? Something to think about… treating people well, by using language in an honest way, without the intent or will to cause harm, damage, punish, or control doesn’t cost anything, and immediately makes the world a better place for everyone.

Pursuing mindfulness is taking me some very interesting places as a thinking being.

A question for Wednesday – if you could choose a life free of guilt, worry, or resentment, would you?

I find myself inclined to immediately answer ‘yes!’  I admit, however, I have made a lot of choices that brought one or more of those my way pretty reliably.  Worry and guilt seem easiest to dispense with, from my perspective. Worry is about something that hasn’t, and may not, happen. Guilt is about something already in the past – and unnecessary when I am accountable for my actions, and willing to take ownership for mistakes. The resentment piece was where I started this morning – because I was very aware that I had none in that moment, and then… uncomfortably self-conscious that that seemed noteworthy! I found myself understanding how mindfulness could ease worry or guilt, and seriously puzzled by resentment in general.  Should resentment even exist if I ‘take care of me’? If I live honestly with my partners, communicating my needs clearly, and taking time to understand theirs? I have reached levels of resentment in prior relationships that aren’t even describable in a rational framework – because it makes no sense to have gotten to that point! Good choices, honest choices, and treating myself well – and compassionately – wouldn’t leave room for resentment, would it? Is there any moment of resentment that isn’t based on my own choices? Is resentment always self-inflicted? I have no answers, just something I plan to think about more. “Treating myself well” is beginning to look like a vista, not a challenge… and thinking more constructively about some things is having results I didn’t expect. Good ones. Artistic ones. Emotional ones.

Yesterday was a good day. The evening was hardly marred by feeling ill and being in physical pain; I stayed in-the-moment with that, which was a very new experience and quite different. I woke feeling better this morning.  Today seems like another good day… how much of this is me and how much is something other than me?  Do I have so much control over my experience, in fact, that good days come so easily when I don’t expect bad ones? More to think about… but for now, mindfully forward into Wednesday’s work.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words
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