Archives for category: autumn
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

All of the Uncertainties, All of the Choices

November 3, 2017 //
0

I’m not at all firm on what to write about, this morning. I often begin that way, and it is a state of things that does not cause me any particular stress. I put words in the title field, and then begin typing in the text box, and away I go. Writing coherently, fluidly, about something that matters to someone, in a clear, specific, insightful way… is not a given. It’s more a coincidence, I think, when it does work out that way.

I think that “insight” is more to do with you, the person reading the words, than me… or the words. We each have our own dictionary, and what I think I’m saying may not at all be what you understand me to have said, and this need not be a relevant concern to the matter of insight, at all. You’ll likely make some assumptions as you read. Maybe if you know me personally, you read my words “in my voice”, but is it my voice now, or my voice of some other lifetime? Are your assumptions accurate? Were mine? If you don’t actually know me personally, in what voice do you hear these words, when you read them? There go those assumptions again, at work in the background. Who do you think I am?

If I got something from the process of writing the words, and you get something from reading the words I wrote, does it matter at all if we understood completely different things? Perhaps – at that point we attempt to explain to each other how well we understand one another, I could see that being a potential sore point, but… maybe not? Maybe? I don’t have an answer here, only a question. It’s not even an important question. Just a random thought on a Friday morning.

I make a second coffee, and marvel at how terrible it is. How is this cup of coffee possible, from the same beans, using the same machine, made in the same way, by the same method, into the same cup, at all different than the previous coffee?? I take another sip, puzzled, curious, and seeking greater understanding. I like understanding things. Yeah… No – this is one terrible cup of coffee. Wow. I mean… like… an achievement of bad coffee, a stand out, an extraordinary demonstration of how poorly made a cup of coffee can be – and I didn’t even need to use a percolator, an air pot, or poor quality additives. Good grief. This sucks. I mean… on this whole other “No, seriously? I must be wrong… one more sip…” level. lol This is bad coffee. LOL I am still drinking it… no idea what that says about me, or about human primates generally, but… this is me. Drinking terrible coffee. At this point, I am savoring this terrible coffee and even enjoying its noteworthy awfulness. Please don’t ask me why would I do such a thing, because frankly… I don’t have an answer for that one, either. It is every bit as inexplicable as if I were to suddenly rise from my seat and do a cartwheel. lol

I think about the winter ahead. I think about the future. I sip my bad coffee, now mostly over how dreadful it is, my consciousness has moved on to other things. I think about love. I think about lovers. I think about the twinge of discontent that sometimes catches me by surprise in some lonely moment, when my awareness of age and aging collides with my awareness that I “still feel young on the inside”. This morning, the thought is merely a thought, and does not evoke an emotion. My thinking moves on.

I’ve a busy weekend ahead, and I am eager to get on with it. I’ll see my Traveling Partner this weekend (if all goes to plan, next weekend too!). Fuck I miss that guy. I’m ready to make the drive down, and I’m glad I seem to be well enough to do so; I don’t think I have the pro-adult skills to firmly decline if I weren’t up for it. I just miss him too much at this point. lol I consider the drive itself. It is autumn, and a lovely time of year for a long drive through beautiful countryside. Weather permitting, perhaps I won’t take the highway? A longer route, through scenic forests, down less traveled state highways and country side roads could be quite lovely and relaxed, and a great deal more like part of the weekend than mere transportation from point A to point B. (I-5 is efficient, but not beautiful, the result being the drive feels very purposeful, and more like “work”.)

The map is not the journey. The journey is, itself, the destination. Life’s menu of options is vast, and the choices are many. I am my own cartographer. I sip my terrible coffee and smile. The words pile up. I open up Google Maps with a plan in mind, ready to begin again. 🙂

 

 

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, loneliness, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

A Turning Point

November 1, 2017 //
0

It’s been an unpleasant few days being sick with the flu. Leaving early from work Friday was a turning point; I’d gotten much sicker than I realized was likely, and it was time to recognize that and just go home, go to bed, and take care of myself. Last night, although I woke up to pee a couple times during the night, it was well past 2 am before I was up having a hot cup of tea to ease my sore throat, and congestion. I turned things over in my head carefully; I’d actually “slept through midnight” for the first time in 11 days. I considered my current symptoms with care. Would I go in to the office today?

My thoughts were interrupted by a breath-stealing, chest-wracking, gut-wrenching coughing fit – but I was finally actually coughing up the garbage that had settled in my lungs. There was real relief when the fit of coughing was finally over. A feeling of actual improvement. Another turning point. Clearly, I also wasn’t quite ready to return to the office, because a single fit of coughing so violent it takes a grown women to her knees with the force of it, and can’t easily be “kept quiet” in an office environment in which everyone is quietly on the phone, is not a good fit. So, one more work from home day, but… as this stand from my perspective this morning… I’m ready to get back to work tomorrow. 😀 That’s even a pleasant thought.

I was up for a little while sipping tea in the wee hours. It definitely does ease some of the discomfort of my flu symptoms, so why wouldn’t I? Sleep? lol As if. It was the discomfort of my symptoms that woke me. Tea for the win! I went back to bed after some little while, and whether I slept deeply, dreaming that I was awake, until I woke (one possibility) or lay quietly, wakefully, as time passed (another definite possibility), I woke still feeling that clear sense of “getting better” in a more obvious way. I’m soooooo happy to be finally feeling like I am actually recovering. Being sick sucks.

I did work yesterday – from home. It was an okay day, I think I’ve “let it go” largely because I don’t want to deal with it. I did have to make the drive to work early in the morning to retrieve my laptop (I was too sick Friday to think to bring it, even though I knew there was a chance I’d want to work from home on Monday.) and on the return trip I got rear-ended – again – while stopped at a signal light. I was pretty fucking aggravated by that.

This one makes 3 times I’ve been rear-ended at a stop since I started driving the car to and from work. Wtf?? I keep checking my tail lights and break lights as if it just must be that my lights are out… or… something? Nope. Distracted drivers. This one didn’t hit me hard, and immediately through their car into reverse, abruptly pulled a u-turn, and tore off in the opposite direction. I didn’t even have time to do more than watch in my rear view mirror as they did. (So pissed. Seriously? Put down that fucking phone.) Aside from that bit of adventure, though, the day seemed fairly routine aside from being Halloween, which didn’t affect me much working from home. I was unusually moody, overly emotional, prone to negative thinking and self-criticism verging on self-loathing, which was also an unpleasant context for my work experience. When it ended, I puttered around taking care of myself, and crashed out fairly early, but at an almost normal time of evening, and managed to avoid taking my own moody bullshit personally; I’ve been sick, that’s all.  🙂

So here it is… time to begin again. 😀

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Well, Then This…

October 31, 2017 //
0

Staying home yesterday was the right choice. The small amount of effort exerted happily tidying up the smallest bit, while my energy level was high in the early morning, completely wiped me out. Not a set back, specifically, but definitely a clear warning sign that I’m not yet well. By mid-day, symptoms like dizziness, and that infernal headache, had gone completely, and I didn’t need to sleep all day. (Yay!!) So… definitely feeling “better”…but… then, sometime later in the day, the coughing got going on this whole other unnecessarily annoying level…and then… ouch. The muscles supporting my ribs, along my sides, not quite around toward my back, definitely involved in coughing…and… definitely not ready for all of this coughing. Something sprung, or pinched, or tweaked, or… both sides, now, every cough, there’s also muscle pain sharp in my awareness, not quite to the torn muscle severity, but god damn it hurts when I cough. 😦 How the ever-loving-fuck do I avoid coughing as I recover from the fucking flu???

I went to bed. Slept… okay… ish. For most values of “sleep” and “okay”. I woke often. Drinking this much tea, water, coffee… it’s a given. So there’s that. And the coughing. And the pain. I so do not want to go to work today. I could get some shit done here, though… I’m up to that. So it isn’t really the work, itself, that I’m not up to at this point – it’s the environment. I’m not up to it, and it’s not really the appropriate place to bring all this fucking loud coughing. (I sound like I’m literally dying of some horrible disease of the respiratory system, it’s hard to listen to.) (Not only that, but sitting near me would also subject someone to listening to my damned lungs making percolating noises while I breathe. lol Again, not the picture of vibrant health one expects from a coworker, generally.) Nor do I wish to expose others to this (although I already have – and omg, I am so sorry!!). So… this morning, my coffee, the trip to the office to grab my laptop and back home to “go to work”. Like… double the commute. <sigh> Yes, but also… heated seats. My arthritic back does like some time on the heated seat. 🙂

I just want to be well. lol I wake up making childish bargains with the universe (“If you just let me get through today without… “) that never work out (because that’s not how life works). I’m managing to take decently good care of myself, and it was lovely waking up this morning to a tidy little place, a clean kitchen, a sense of order, and a fireplace ready for me when I want it. That was one bonus out of the day, yesterday; the landlord was on site doing winterization stuff around the duplex (and no doubt other locations in the area), and stopped in to turn on the pilot light for the gas fireplace. 😀 It was pretty nice to enjoy the evening in the glow of a merry little fire, then also just switch it off at bed time. I enjoyed it so much that before bed I put a sticky note on the switch that says “this too costs cash”. lol

Still sick. My coffee is good, though (and my sense of taste is returning). I’m decently well-rested in spite of the very interrupted night. I’m clearly in the process of “getting well”, it’s just taking rather longer than I’d like. It’s a good opportunity to bring the work laptop home, and get back to work, even if I am not ready to get back to the office… It’s just time to begin again. Slowly. With great care. 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

With Great Care

October 30, 2017 //
0

I didn’t have an easy night. Falling asleep didn’t happen easily. Staying asleep wasn’t going super well, either. At midnight, again, I was awake, drinking hot tea to sooth my sore throat, and waiting to be sleepy enough, again, to try sleep, again. Pillows piled too high, I didn’t seem to doze off. Too low and I found that I quickly couldn’t breathe. Sometime after 2 am, I found a “sweet spot”. The alarm went off far too soon after that.

Yesterday it was an achievement to enjoy a moment in the garden, quietly.

I woke with a clear sense that I am “getting over this”, at long last, although the cough persists, my throat is still sore, and my sinuses are still stuffy. There’s a new quality to it, subtle and hard to pin down specifically, that just feels like everything is, in some tiny way, just a bit less “off” and just a bit more “recovering”. I’m not well, though, and there are so many ways to choose to proceed that could delay getting over this completely. “Pushing myself too hard” is just one of them, but it is on my mind because it is one that I rather regularly choose. I’m not inclined to do that, today. I consider calling out entirely, but there is a small amount of preparatory work setting up tomorrow that I would ideally want to have done before tomorrow arrives… but… yeah, soooo not up to working an entire day in the office.

Today was either going to be working from home (this cough is pretty disruptive, if nothing else), or calling out entirely; that’s the decision that needs to be made this morning. I still don’t know. I was pretty sick Friday, such that I failed to bring my (work) laptop home with me (just wasn’t thinking clearly). To work from home I need to go get it. (The humor in that is not lost on me; if I work, I’ll have to commute, to get the laptop, to work from home.) Calling out comes with no such requirement, and omg I am so still sick enough, but it is a choice that requires convincing myself to let Monday’s work go even just one day, and picking up that thread tomorrow. Layers of decision-making. If I choose to call out today, and end up feeling like working from home tomorrow makes more sense than going into the office… then I’ve merely delayed that silly commute to pick up the laptop. If I think there is any risk at all I may want/need to work from home tomorrow, it makes sense to get the laptop today… doesn’t it? Or does it?

All the major weekly deliverables on my plate each week that go out to my consumers are handled on Mondays. This makes Mondays “matter” a great deal to me. But… so does my health. Shit. This is hard.

I do feel “more better” this morning than I have in days… My decision this morning may affect my timely recovery from illness… soooo…

I keep turning it over in my head. Pros. Cons. Back and forth. Out of nowhere I am wracked with coughs, choking on the crap my lungs are trying to expel that has slowly settled in them over days. No. It’s pretty clear. I’m not quite well yet. Almost there… almost… there…

I decide to call out for this one. Just, call out. Entirely. Work on getting sufficiently well to really return to work tomorrow. I find myself hoping this is the wiser choice. I breathe. Pay attention to my physical state of being in all particulars… I feel some tiny bit better today than any day I went home early last week… I also feel notably worse than any day I worked an entire shift last week… I also feel very much that one more day of recovery will see me past the worst of it, and really ready to get back to work… so…

I make the hard choice. I call out for today. I commit to taking care of this fragile vessel. I use up a couple more tissues. I cough for a few minutes more. I finish my coffee, and make a cup of tea. I adjust the thermostat to “staying home today”.

Then, I begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Still Sick, Pretty Tired of It

October 29, 2017 //
2

I woke with a cough to a misty autumn morning. It is clear that it has recently rained. The mist hangs in the trees, visible across the street, and obscuring any view slowly developing through the trees at the edge of the deck, as their leaves fall. I break a sweat wrapping my fuzzy warm bathrobe around myself. I am dizzy as I make my coffee. The coughing persists.

It’s only a weekend, and it is looking like I will probably still be sick when Monday comes around. Oh sure, perhaps less so than on Friday, but still… sick. Officially an entire week being ill. If I’d had any doubt about this being no-kidding-influenza, those dissipated like autumn mist sometime on Friday. Few things keep me ill for so long. Having had all but 2 annual flu shots since 1978, and even getting vaccinated against pneumonia in 2009, I rarely actually come down with the flu, or if I do, it lasts no longer than a mild head cold. I’m sorry I’ve been so cross and whiny about it. I don’t like being sick, really, at all.

Today I will have to stir beyond this dwelling, like it or not; I will use my last dose of one cold symptom medication and would be wise to replace it. I don’t really want to go out at all.

I’ve done literally nothing but sleep and undertake the most basic self-care this weekend. The housekeeping is piling up. I have been pretty easily able to pay it no mind – I’m sick, and have no fucks to give, so… yeah. This morning, though, the little waste baskets each full to overflowing with used tissues, and (god damn it) again with dishes in the sink, I find myself at least aware of my surroundings and circumstances. I may attempt to bring some order, later, but for now I am still too dizzy-tired-not-yet-awake for any of that.

I notice that the most recently opened tissue box is not at hand… I wonder apathetically where I might have left it, until I really do need it, then I interrupt my moment to go find the damned thing. My coffee is almost done, and instead of a second, I think of maybe going back to bed. lol Being sick is less than ideally productive. Maybe tomorrow I can earnestly begin again…?

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories anhedonia, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »