Archives for category: autumn

The Absolute Worst

October 22, 2019 //

I’m sipping my coffee, and pondering how it is that so much of the absolute worst of what humanity is capable of makes the news, but the best of what humanity has to offer often does not? Why are we so hung up on directing precious (monetized) views, likes, clicks, and shares of the worst garbage and horror that humanity can devise? Where is the good news? The kindness? (And omg, why aren’t goodness and kindness and compassion and happy endings more news worthy??)

…I move on from that, closing the browser tab with the news on it. I feel pretty much that “I already know all this” and honestly don’t need to be reminded of how horribly human beings are capable of treating each other; I already strive to do better than that – even better than I have done, myself, the previous day, every day. Nope. I’m not perfect. I’m not even going there. We’ve literally all got room to grow. 🙂

What can I do, today, to make the world just the tiniest bit better, myself, through my own efforts? It’s a good question. I sit with it awhile, sipping my coffee.

How about you? What are you doing to be the person you most want to be? Anything? It’ll take verbs, you do know that, right? “…Do no harm…” may not be enough. It may be utterly necessary to take active measures to do good in the world. To do good, even in your own life… feels like it should be easy and obvious…but… what about those acts that are done from good intention, that have poor results? That’s a thing. What do you do to prevent those missteps? How do you know that what you do to live your values, to “stay in the lines” ethically, to “do good” is truly enough? What’s “doing your best” really made of?

I sip my coffee and filter my thoughts through the lens of my work, professionally. I keep sipping my coffee, and thinking. Adulthood is complicated.

I get my “every day carry” together for another work day. (Yesterday I forgot my work badge to get into the building. Hilarity ensued.) Today, I’ll do better to be the woman I most want to be. I didn’t do badly, yesterday, it was a good day. I can still do better. I run the clock back on my day, gently, and think it over, looking for choices I could have made differently, and words I could have used with more skill. Thankfully, I have time to begin again, and that’s definitely worth doing. 🙂

…Oh hey, look at the time… 😉

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, do better do good, emotional self sufficiency, experience, MBSR, mindful living, mindful loving, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Some Days Are Complicated

October 21, 2019 //

What a delightful homecoming! I enjoyed my Traveling Partner’s return, and we spent a delightful, and most peculiar, weekend together. Peculiar in the sense that it often felt like a time warp – back to that first year together. Exciting to spend time together, exciting to get to know each other more deeply, and occasionally challenging as expectations collide with reality, or miscommunication confounds a moment. It was very… real. 🙂

I spent a lot of time talking about potential futures, with my partner. Longer-range planning, and very long-range planning, a future that includes a comfortable retirement, and a home of our own. We shopped together – wow I have missed that so much! He takes suggestions, inspires new thinking, and accepts gifts with humble & practical delight. I overcome my surprise at his suggestions, and accept moments of change both large and small, with eyes open to the value of his perspective, and a heart full of love. The result? I definitely feel more future-focused, more aligned on key details of our shared planning, more certain of our mutual commitment, and so well-loved. 😀

It was, in brief, a lovely weekend spent in the company of someone who loves me, and who I love.

I’m sitting here sipping my morning coffee before dawn, nothing new there. Another work day ahead, also pretty routine. New boots on my feet, a new sweater wraps me in warmth – and love. I’m smiling. Hell, I don’t even hurt much, as I sort out my thinking to begin a new day. Even hearing him breath or sigh as he turns over in the other room is enough to deepen my smile. I’m definitely entirely in love with this particular human being. I’m okay with that. I’m even okay with how very much love asks of me, as a human being – all the growth is worth the time, consideration, and numerous additional verbs. We are both, each, better human beings for loving each other. 😀

…I could be more skillful at love, I know. Plenty to learn. Plenty of opportunity to practice. It’s a lovely morning for beginning again. 😀

Tags be love, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, don't forget to practice, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, homecoming, learning and growing, love, love and lovers, love me do, MBSR, mindful love, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sometimes I make mistakes, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Some Days Are Easy

October 18, 2019 //

Funniest thing about “easy” days for me; they’re not really different, in most respects, from “hard days”. Oh sure, maybe some different circumstances, and definitely a different “feel” to them, but often the routine details are quite similar to any other day, and all the days have the same number of hours, begin and end with a point in time, and require quite a lot of the same work, using the same assortment of verbs. So… what makes today so “easy”? Well… for starters, it’s only just now a few minutes before 6:00 am… so… truly it’s a bit early to make a judgment call about whether the day is difficult or easy, isn’t it? Talk about setting myself up for disappointment. LOL

Actually, any number of small choices may make this day as easy as the morning has been. 🙂 Aaaannnd… my Traveling Partner is back home and in my arms today! Well… almost today. Tonight. Likely shortly after midnight, so… almost tomorrow. lol By itself, his homecoming puts a shine on a day that it might otherwise lack. 😀

Other things add to the experience of ease. I kind of slept in, waking a short time ago to some random noise that was not my alarm clock. I took today off, specifically to avoid being exhausted or out of sorts when my partner gets home; I may nap in the afternoon, so that I can more easily stay up late enough to enjoy his homecoming. Small things make a big difference sometimes, too; I’ve kept the house tidy and cared for, so there need not be any sort of “I want to impress you” scramble to do housework at the last minute. (Good use of time and verbs by maintaining my space tidily – I do enjoy order and tidiness. lol) So, yeah, today already feels easy. It’s even a pay day, and I’m home, and I can take care of a few things in a relaxed way, and have more weekend time to spend with my partner, too!

Yep. Easy day. It’s a feeling. 🙂

I smile at my “to do list” – it’s short. Regular pay day sorts of things, and a short grocery list. I add “gas up the Mazda” to my list, and “sweaters?”. I double-check the grocery list and make sure that my Traveling Partner comes home to a well-stocked pantry; our tastes differ somewhat, and I enjoy taking a moment to consider his preferences.

Omg! He’s really home today! My enthusiasm for his homecoming is adoring – and potentially excessive. lol I laugh at myself out loud in the stillness of early morning, and sip my coffee, grinning. I know by the time he actually arrives, I’ll have burned through some of this energy working down my short list, and maybe, later, taking time out of the day for a lovely walk, if the weather is not rainy. (Maybe even if it is – it’s not really “about” that. lol)

I look around the house, adding a couple small tasks to my list, as I continue to sip my coffee. My face hurts from smiling, and noticing, I wonder if I had been smiling in my sleep, too. lol I feel rested and merry. Damn… Wednesday could have used some of this merriment!

My last sip of coffee is… sipless. Shit. Coffee is gone. Literally gone, too, in the sense that I used the last of the coffee beans just this morning. I guess that will fuel the start of my day in earnest, because I definitely want another cup of coffee! I will have to begin the day, and start working the list, to get there… I’m not bitching, though, I mean… I don’t have to cultivate the land, grow the coffee plant, harvest and clean the beans, roast them… I can just “swing by the store for some coffee, be right back”, and my own simple needs are met. 😀 Although… 6:14 am feels just a bit early for grocery shopping. lol Plenty of time for other moments, and other verbs – and more smiling. 😀

I smile before I write it…

It’s time to begin again. 😀

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, love, love and lovers, meditation, mindful living, mindful loving, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, The Art of Being, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Some Days Are Hard

October 17, 2019 //

Yesterday was a difficult day. Summarized in that brief fashion, it seems so much less noteworthy than it felt at the time. This morning, I wake with some effort, and struggle to get past feeling groggy and vaguely “hungover” – the “hangover” that is the after effect of profound or frequent shifts in emotional chemistry, but, nonetheless, very much consistent with a hangover from other intoxicants (this headache, my acid stomach, and feeling vaguely dizzy, for instance). I sip my coffee seeking salvation and relief in a porcelain mug (it could be so much worse).

…All this over work…

What’s funny is how hard it was to “let it go” at the end of the day. I fussed and fretted throughout the commute. I struggled to distract myself (even with meditation). When I went to bed, feeling wholly relaxed at long last, and definitely sleepy, I did not fall asleep for hours, even though I was steadfastly “letting all that go” with real commitment. lol

…And now this fucking headache. lol

I take another sip of my still-too-hot coffee, and look at the day ahead with new eyes. Yesterday (a Wednesday) held within it the power to more or less derail my workload for the whole of the week, but today I have the power (and potentially also the bandwidth) to catch all that up and finish the week in the most ordinary way. That’s the “win” I have my eye on this morning… Feeling reluctant to build that up until my expectations can’t possibly also occur in real life, I take a deep breath, exhale, have another sip of coffee, and let all that go. 🙂

I pull myself present, back to this moment, here. I answer a message from my Traveling Partner. More work stuff. Different work stuff. Another sip of coffee. Still fighting this headache. I notice the time… oh, yeah; time to begin again. lol

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

Hot Coffee & the Morning News

October 16, 2019 //

Oh my, this is a great cup of coffee… hot, smooth, and not at all bitter… did I mention hot? The warmth of the mug in my hand is comforting as I wake more fully. I slept decently well, waking only once, briefly. I’m a bit groggy as I sit here scrolling through the news. I’m not sure why I’m doing that, though; it is neither comforting, nor pleasant. If I just go by the headlines, this morning, America is a fucking dumpster fire. It frustrates and saddens me. So much corruption in our institutions. A government that does not appear capable of fulfilling the basic expectations of governance. Human beings treating human beings – and this wet rock we share – badly. The news ranges from “what the fuck?” to actually horrific. There’s very little good news, unless of course, as an individual, you’re a huge fan of racism, xenophobia, misogyny, or frauds, large and small. Plenty of that mess to go around. :-\

Mmmm… this coffee, though. I close the tabs for articles I thought I might read beyond the headlines. I don’t really want to deal with any of that this morning. I’ve got a busy day ahead, with work tasks on my plate that are frankly an unpleasant necessity in a business scenario I find objectionable. (It is what it is… and what it is, is a paying job; the decisions are not always my own.) I don’t really see value in further weighing my heart down, in advance. The news can wait for a later time.

Yeah. Good cup of coffee. Good moment. I smile and remind myself how soon my Traveling Partner will return (Friday is so close!!)

I breathe, exhale, relax, and finish my coffee…It’s already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, meditation, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being

The Absolute Worst

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Some Days Are Complicated

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Some Days Are Easy

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Some Days Are Hard

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Hot Coffee & the Morning News

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