Tulips and the weight of yesterday’s rain.

I’m having a lovely morning. I hope you are as well. Life is difficult in spots, complicated, rich in experience, emotion, and change.  Friends are performing heroic acts of compassion, distant family members reach out to share personal tragedies and joys, everyone living their ‘now’ the best that they can in the moment they make their choices, generally, and the flow of events around us contributes to the fun, to the novelty, to the stress, to the joy, to the immutable truth of change, itself. I watch, feel, and experience my life.  PMS joins the party this week, and so far I’m ok and still feeling pretty balanced generally, a little irritated with small stuff now and again, but in a far more manageable way than even a few months ago.

New strong rose canes reaching for the sun.

…But I don’t want to mislead anyone. Genuineness and openness are very important to me.  I know other people struggle, and one or two people struggling with their own things may read my enthusiasm for the value of pursuing mindfulness and find themselves disappointed to get a different result.  I’m not an expert, nor am I ‘right’ about the hows or whys of managing PTSD, anxiety, my hormones, my life, love… no, seriously. Meditation is serving me well on a number of levels. I want to rave about it, and how extraordinary it is in my own experience… I woke this morning wondering if that’s ‘fair’ without ‘full disclosure’? Then I saw a meme on Facebook this morning, posted by a friend… a caution against being too open, a reminder that only a few of our nearest and dearest actually care, and pointing out that most people just want something to gossip about…the message is ‘protect yourself’, the sentiment is suspicion and fear.  My reaction was self-doubt…

The vinca waits for her moment, doubt is unnecessary.

I like candor. I like being genuine. I like sharing the reality of the journey I am on, and my own significant truth about where my potholes on life’s highway  have turned up.  I don’t actually want to contribute to creating a culture of suspicion and fear, of secrets, of secret police, of guilt, of doubt, of insecurity…of fraud.

My imperfect garden; Just Joey struggling.

I figure some disclosure about other details on my journey may be due, because it isn’t just a book or two, some meditation, and some mindfulness practices picked up at a cocktail party that find me in the place I am.  It isn’t fair to have you think so.  I’m actually also in therapy (again), and my therapist bases our work on ACT  (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy).  I’m finding huge value in a book  I’m reading at his recommendation, and I do a considerable amount of additional reading on my own on mindfulness, in general, and cultural practices in that area, relevant to a number of cultures and religions.  Yes, I’m in a lot of physical pain most days, and yes, the mindfulness practices and meditation really help in that area, inasmuch as my experience of enduring pain seems less challenging or difficult, and the pain medication I do take feels more effective.  Yes, I do take some pain medication, and yes, of the Rx sort, although I am able to keep the dosage low, and also stay away from the really hard core varieties.  Yes, my hormones give me major grief, and it’s gotten quite unpredictable.  I manage those pretty well lately with mindfulness practices, regular leisurely soaks in epsom salt baths, and herbal teas (my favorite being a blend of valerian,  chamomile, st John’s wort, and lemon balm, that my grandmother taught me many years ago, and soon they will all come from my garden, which ‘feels right’ to me).  I don’t know why things are getting better.  Some of the things I am doing are not new for me…resulting in my strong inclination to attribute my recent progress and quality of life improvements to the things that are new – the mindfulness practices, and the more consistent meditation practice.

Things I am doing now; reading, like listening, requires an open mind.

I had tried a number of treatment modalities since I was 18, and have seen several therapists of several sorts from several disciplines.  I’ve spent much of my adult life pleading for someone to ‘please help me!’, largely without finding success, or even lasting peace and balance. I’ve also given Big Pharm their turn with my poor broken brain, and they also applied their recipe for fail sauce, and again I found no balance, no peace.  Religion had it’s innings.  ‘Counseling’ had a turn.  The self-help industry also had its way with me a time or two…or several.  Friends, and loved ones, got to give amateur hour a go at it, with no greater or lesser success.  I long ago reached the ‘I’ll do anything to stop hurting’ place, frankly.

Mindfulness…something so simple…so profound.

So, here I am making jokes about ‘the hippies being right all along’, because it’s hard not to laugh to see that I am finding peace and balance exactly where so many hippie-sort of friends suggested gently that it might be found – within myself – if only I would take a few deep breaths, and be ‘in the moment’ to experience it.  😀   It’s hard, too, to have read so much, to have traveled, to have experienced some of the world, and not be just a tad frustrated with myself for disregarding knowledge and practices that have provided balance and peace for thousands of years to uncountable people, until I was finally so deep in despair that I was able to let go of my baggage – and my pride – and be open to something new, that is actually something quite old.  It’s tempting to say ‘nothing else has worked, so this must be it’, but I am rational, and understand that perhaps it is more about many things I am doing, how I am doing them, or perhaps that I am simply ready now and wasn’t ready sooner.

I’m sure not discouraging anyone from being mindful, from practicing meditation, or from treating themselves and their loved ones truly well – I think those are all wonderful, necessary, things for a good quality of life.  I am saying, there is more to me than meets the eye, and I’m not uncomfortable sharing that. 😀

It’s a quiet morning, a beautiful day, and if you need me…I’ll be in the garden. 😀