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Sometimes Tea is Better

October 24, 2017 //
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This morning I am annoyed by how poorly coffee serves to soften dry irritated regions of my throat. Isn’t it a hot beverage? Isn’t that why I think tea is good for that? So… c’mon Coffee, help me out here?

We get stuck on an idea or belief, and clinging to our favorites isn’t such a harmless thing as choosing coffee when tea would be a better choice in the moment. We really hold on to some wild ideas. We make shit up in our own heads, don’t even verify that it is or is not true, then act on all manner of assumptions we build on that fantastical narrative we’ve crafted. Fairly silly, really.

Take time to question what you “know”. I’m regularly surprised at how commonly things I have embraced with great conviction and certainty turn out to be quite incorrect. Demonstrably, provably, unarguably incorrect. I make a point of questioning things that I feel very certain about, for that reason.

I enjoy a nice comfortable certainty, as much as anyone else. I seriously dislike the confusion and discomfort that come of having certainty toppled unexpectedly, or the drama of discovering too late that my assumptions were not shared, nor realistic. The more often I challenge my sense of certainty, and seek to verify assumptions in some explicit way, the more any lingering sense of certainty may be legit – because I’ve taken time to challenge it. Maybe more than once. 🙂

I finish my coffee. Switch to hot tea. Yep. Hot tea for the win. No idea why, but it is definitely better at softening dry sore throats. Definitely. I’m certain of it. Or… well… maybe it’s only that this is my second hot beverage, and the circumstances simply required more than one? lol Right. It could be that, too. I’m definitely less certain now. No less content. No less appreciative of a hot cup of tea on a chilly morning, hoping to get over this bit of a cold.

It’s a decent morning to be more correct, and less certain. Feeling super certain about things? Take time to test your assumptions, and fact-check your own content. It’s a good way to begin again. 😀

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Such Fragile Creatures

October 23, 2017 //
1

Sometime shortly before bed I noticed the tickle in my throat. All night long, my snoring woke me repeatedly, and the tickle quickly became a sore throat once tender tissues had dried out, due to breathing with my mouth open. I got up again and again. Another drink of water. Had to pee again. Just couldn’t seem to maintain sleep. I finally just got up, around 2:30 am, and made a cup of soothing chamomile tea, and sipped on that until my painful sore throat wasn’t so painful and sore, and I could swallow with relative ease. I went back to bed and slept deeply for an hour.

My coffee sucks this morning. I taste only the bitterness of the brew. The hot liquid is soothing on my throat, though. I continue to choke it down; I definitely do not need the headache that would result from not having my morning coffee! I’m tired and a little dizzy, fuzzy-headed, and more interested in going back to bed than going in to work. I check my temperature. During the night it was 100 degrees. This morning it is normal. That’s something, anyway. I take stock of physical sensations, and wonder if the mild dizziness is the Benadryl? It easily could be. It could easily be the poor quality of my sleep, too. Either way, something to be aware of.

I’m annoyed to be feeling poorly. I am hopeful it will clear up quickly, as the last little bout with some unidentified ick did. I have things to do, and don’t care to be thrown off by illness… but… That’s not how these things work, is it? 🙂

I step up my self-care, and look for things I can do for myself to be more comfortable during the busy day ahead. It’ll be a weird day for it. Minutes ago I was chilly, and turned up the heat. It hasn’t even warmed up by one degree, yet, and already I am now feeling overly warm. My head aches, but it’s that viral sort of headache that often goes with a cold, and I have done what I could for that. I tuck a couple packets of instant chicken soup into my hand bag along with some tea I like when I’m sick.

I look over my “to do list”. There’s really nothing that can’t wait a day or two until I am feeling more myself, other than routine basics like dishes and taking out the trash. I plan ahead, perhaps a couple of early nights, lacking any stress, will be sufficient to get me over the worst of whatever this is?

I start this particular day looking forward, very much, to its end. lol I’ll begin again tomorrow… 😉

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Um… Ouch?

October 22, 2017 //
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I woke in pain.

Damn it. A sentence that short doesn’t do the moment justice. Rainy, chilly, autumn days, and colder night-time temperatures, and here it is time again for my arthritis pain to become a serious shot-caller in my day-to-day experience. Damn, this sucks. I woke hurting, couldn’t roll over because my spine was locked up, rigid and aching, from my waist to my shoulders. I laid still with the pain for a few moments, taking time to be aware that I was able to breathe “comfortably” – for some values of “comfort” – and confirming fingers and toes move, and that I felt sensations in extremities.

Time for the winter practices, already? Yeah, looks that way. I slowly, with great determination, begin moving the bits and pieces that do seem pretty mobile. I flex fingers, arms, toes, feet, legs. I stretch anything that stretches. I find adequate leverage to roll to my back. I pull my knees to my chest one by one, and begin working on arching my back some small bit. I push-pull-rock and get rolled first to one side, then the other. Repeat all the motions on each side. Eventually, I am able to roll to my right side, push myself up on an elbow, pull myself the rest of the way using the arm on the other side, and a firm grasp on the edge of the pillow top of the mattress. Sitting up! Yes! It feels like triumph.

I sit for a few minutes, ignoring the tears – a combination of pain and relief, that spilled over as I sat up. Mornings like this one, I am “painfully aware” (lol) that one day I won’t be able to easily live alone; I’ll need help with basic things, at some point. Aging is a thing. I am definitely living that process. I sigh, and the sound fills the otherwise quiet room. Maybe a shower will help?

The long minutes lingering in a hot shower leaves my skin reddened in places, but my spine is a bit more flex-y, as a spine ideally would be. I don’t hurt quite so much. I can dress, with care, and anything to do with standing is as easy as ever, and that means – coffee. 🙂 My coffee this morning even turned out wonderfully well, and I am enjoying it with a smile that has no trace of the pain I woke in. Oh, I still hurt; it’s that sort of day. It’s more manageable now, is all, and that is enough.

I sip my coffee and think about the phone call with my Traveling Partner last night, sharing his autumn and winter travel plans with me. I think, now, about how those may/can change my own plans. I smile. The physical distance doesn’t change much for me; we talk regularly, and the specifics of distance are irrelevant in our digital experience. We see each other when circumstances and choices permit it. (Sure, I will miss him; I always miss him when he isn’t near me, but that doesn’t have to mean drama and bullshit. lol) I was planning to discuss my reluctance to plan regular visits down once the roads begin to freeze, or snow becomes a concern (even though I have chains, it’s just not my preference to tackle long drives in icy/snowy conditions); his plans are such that it just won’t actually be a concern. lol Win and good. Convenient. Stress-free mutually beneficial planning for the win! 🙂

First coffee finished, I make a second, and load a great set, from a favorite DJ who does a regular live cast on Facebook, to get me moving, and hopefully provide additional relief of my pain, and a bit more freedom of movement. Movement hurts, but it helps, too. Hard not to dance to great music.

I spend coffee #2 grooving in my chair, writing, and chatting with my Traveling Partner as we get our mornings started. A promising beginning to a leisurely Sunday. I open my “to do list” and frown at tasks I know I am not going to be able to do with any ease, and scroll through prioritizing the tasks that will be more easily handled today. I smile when I get to the line that says “get enough rest” – that’s one I can check off right now. 🙂

No idea what the day holds, but I’m here. You’re here. There’s an entire day ahead to make something of – and that’s enough. 🙂

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, Love, medical marijuana, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter

Faced with an Unfinished List

October 2, 2017 //
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That’s how the weekend ends this week, with an unfinished to do list. lol I keep glancing at it, as if awareness alone was ever sufficient to get shit done. I sip my morning coffee with little concern about it in this moment. No doubt it may cause some momentary anxiety now and again, later on.

Yesterday’s early (and enthusiastic) start to the day didn’t result in a fantastically productive end result at all. My coffee may as well have been decaffeinated; after two double espresso drinks, I still managed to feel like a nap. Hours later I woke up and frankly repeated that experience; two coffees, another nap. I remember thinking I wouldn’t be laughing later when all that coffee kept me from sleeping… as I had my fifth coffee… followed by a nap. I woke a bit past 1:30 pm. Finally feeling sufficiently rested to be up “for the day” – what was left of it. I felt surprisingly weak and lethargic, and that never really passed. I had ended up canceling evening plans, between naps.

I ended the day quite early. Wishing my Traveling Partner well, and logging off of devices before 7 pm. Meditation was obviously going to become… sleep. So, fuck it, I went to bed super early. Most of the day I wondered, on and off, if I were perhaps fighting off some virus. I woke twice during the long night, quite briefly, to pee (no real surprise considering how much coffee, and water, I had consumed throughout the day), but went immediately back to sleep each time, after drifting through the dim light provided by carefully placed night lights (still haven’t mastered this space in the darkness, and my shins just couldn’t take it any more) and feeling so very light-headed that I wasn’t certain either time that I was truly awake, at all. I felt as if I were floating. Bobbing rather recklessly through the air. Careening gently between walls and doors.

I woke aware that I am “not at 100%”. The alarm yanked me from a sound sleep with some effort, pulling me free from my restless weird dreams as if they were quite sticky. Headache-y. Sinuses stuffy. Eyes gummy. Yep. I’ve come down with something or other. It could be worse. I’m getting around okay. It could be a lot worse; I really just want to go back to sleep. Aside from really wanting to go back to sleep (after almost 10 hours of sleep), I’m “okay” for most values of okay. I work in an interaction center environment, so… illness happens. We’re having our first significant wave of autumn ick going around… could be I’ve come down with it. If so… yeah, I’m feeling pretty fortunate. This is not that bad. Saturday’s stressful morning probably hit my immune system, opening a window of opportunity for illness to take hold. Predictable.

The headache is the worst bit. The fatigue is second runner-up. I may come home early today, but it is hard to justify in the face of the mountain of work ahead of me this week. I frown at my monitor, chewing on my lip, wondering which is the more appropriately adult set of choices. Something to think over, while I drink my now cold coffee. I’ve lost interest in my coffee completely. It “tastes off” and doesn’t seem at all enticing. I swallow what is left of this first cup of coffee; it’ll be enough to prevent a headache (from lack of caffeine) later.

I sigh and prepare to face the day, resolved to do the right thing by the woman in the mirror (short of just… going back to bed, which still sounds like a first-rate idea). I begin again.

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Categories anhedonia, autumn, Brain Injury, health, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress

What.The.Hell?

September 16, 2017 //
2

Yesterday got off to a great start, and finished, rather literally, with a bang. Well, more of a crash. I got tail-ended in rush hour traffic. No “lol”, no emoji, no minimizing, no catastrophizing; I got hit from behind by an inattentive driver while I was stopped, with sufficient force to leave an impression of her license plate frame in my bumper. It wasn’t what I planned for the evening, it certainly wasn’t what I expected, but it is a thing. It occurred.

I’m okay.

It was a generally weird day that stands out a bit in a sort of “report card” fashion, because quite frankly an ever-loving-shit-ton of stuff (all super strange oddball outliers of events and circumstances) went peculiarly sideways yesterday, a lot of it rather inconsequential, some of it to do with money, all of it touching on the sorts of things that would have grievously triggered me even a year ago. I’d have been emotionally incapacitated, flooded, and completely overwhelmed by a day like yesterday. It most likely would have sent me crashing into a period of learned helplessness and despair that could last weeks, punctuated by reactive relief-seeking acting-out that wouldn’t have helped at all, probably made things much worse.

This morning, I am relaxed after a good night’s sleep. I feel pretty comfortable physically. I’m still on for my trip down to see my Traveling Partner, and don’t seem to be dealing with any significant after-effects of yesterday’s experiences. Things seem quite fine, actually. As though yesterday were entirely separate from today in every way, other than being adjacent to one another on a calendar page. So. Apparently it is possible to “enjoy” a day of utter chaos, with some destruction and loss, and yet somehow not go to pieces, not melt down, not lay waste to whatever is left to hold on to… It’s possible to do a bit better than merely survive what is uncomfortable, chaotic, and destructive. That’s some good news right there. 🙂

I got hit hard enough that I felt light-headed and strange when I got out of the car. Wobbly. Worried about my back, my neck, my head – the other driver. Late into the evening I continued to wonder if the persisting headache was from being struck, or just another persisting headache like so many? This morning – no headache. That’s enough. I slept well, and I feel comfortably able to get back in the car and drive down the highway. Road trip!

Today feels like a good day for beginnings. I find myself hoping this particular day includes a big reduction in the quantity of weird shit going on compared to yesterday. lol Yesterday was a bit much to take, and I’d started to feel a bit.. hexed. Still… wow. How much more well-prepared for living life am I, that yesterday didn’t destroy me? Didn’t even blow me off course! That’s… yeah. Wow. I gotta stop celebrating at some point, though; it is far to easy (for me) to let a moment of celebration become a careless presumption that I am “entirely well” or in a place where I “don’t even have to worry about any of that”, and I lose myself in a quagmire of poor decision-making and frivolous use of resources, and find myself both accountable, and unprepared to care for myself. Like a kid taking the training wheels off their bike for the first time, then falling on their ass. I’d like to avoid that fall.

I find it best to have my moment, enjoy recognizing the progress I have made, and return fairly quickly to practicing the practices that support my wellness over time, and that meet longer term needs, and keep me on a path that supports my goals. 🙂

So, this morning I begin again. Again. I make choices. I get up gently when the alarm goes off. Yoga. Strength training. A leisurely shower. I check my list and begin doing the small things I’d want done before I return home: top off the aquarium, make the bed, tidy up a few things, drop my kindle in the side pocket of my bug out bag. I look around before I sit down with my coffee to write a few words before the weekend really gets going; is this the home I want to come home to? Will I feel “welcomed” when I return? Will I be comfortably able to just walk in, set down my bag, and chill? Satisfied that I have met the needs of a future me (only days into the future, but you know, we haven’t met, yet, and I do want her to be welcome when she gets home) I relax and make an Americano.

I sip my coffee contentedly. I take a few minutes to check in with friends. I smile thinking about a moment in the office, yesterday. I’d seen a colleague looking a little… well, we’re both veterans, and he had that look of being “stuck in a different moment” and avoided eye contact. I reached out over our messaging service a little later and just asked him how he was doing? He said “I’m good”. I wasn’t sure I believed that, but it’s not necessarily helpful to pry people open like clam shells. I replied “Awesome. Big plans for the weekend?” He sent me an emoji back and commented “That’s a solid buddy check right there. I had a moment, earlier. I’m okay now” and proceeded to tell me about his upcoming plans. We shared a bit. Turned out I felt the need for some support too, but it was less obvious to me that it was to him. The power of connection. The power of relationships and shared experience. That interaction was one high point of a strangely chaotic and messy day.

I’m not sure I’ll ever fully leave some of life’s pain behind me. I don’t really expect to entirely clean up all the chaos and damage – but it is pretty fucking splendid just to be able to live my life without everything seeming to crash down, over and over and over again, like a house of cards in a strong breeze, any time something goes a little sideways. Progress. Incremental change over time. Lots of practices. Lots of verbs. Lots of choices.

Oh hey, look at the time! There’s a highway just over there… and a journey to make. I’ve got a map for this one, but even in this instance, the map is not the journey, and I have to make this trip, myself. 🙂 I’m having my own experience.

It’s definitely time to begin again. See you on Sunday – in the glow of evening light, perhaps? 😉

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Categories anger, Brain Injury, Free Will, grief, health, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words
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