Better. Things are somewhat better now than they were earlier. This one is 100% “a me thing”. Menopause. Emotions. Age and aging. Frustration. Just the basic slop of being human, female, over 60, and a big ol’ basket of broken shit and fragments and wreckage, emotionally speaking. Having a trauma history has got to be one of the most human of things, and it’s probably a rare individual who manages to make it past 50 without any hint of trauma. If we don’t experience legitimate damaging trauma, chances are we’d make some up. Also? I have a fucking headache. I woke up with it, hours ago… it’s with me still. Very human.
I took my headache to the store and bought goblin snacks for the upcoming holiday. Fun. Still have the headache. Drinking water. Relaxing. Doing my best. All the things.
There’s nothing much more to say about the shitty start to the day. I enjoyed a pleasant walk and then “crashed my hard drive” later – metaphorically. Wasn’t quite a tantrum. Could have been much worse. Wasn’t my best moment. Blech. Adulting is harder than it seems like it could be, sometimes.
Here it is already Sunday. First week on the new job is already behind me. New week ahead… so soon. The weekend feels peculiarly short now that I’m back to work. Still… it’s the result I was going for, in practical terms. I sip my already-cold coffee feeling infused with contentment and purpose.
This particular new adventure is a bit of a “routine breaker”, as it turns out. I’m even okay with that. I’ve been going into the city and working from the office most days, so far. No obligation to do so, it’s just quite a pleasant (and quiet) workspace, and my Traveling Partner’s own work needs presently make it a good fit. My broken routines don’t end there… my waking time varies quite bit, which is rare for me. Meal times, too. What I’m up to from moment to moment is pocked with strange spontaneity, and I’m okay with this too. I’m getting more/better sleep, and the new “really mine” CPAP machine seems to be working out well (although, as is typical for me, changing to a different mask completely fucked up my sleep for a few days until I got used to it all over again). Last night I actually slept more or less entirely normally – even got 7.5 hours of actual sleep. Good quality sleep. My mind is still pretty blown by that. It’s pretty huge as small wins go. Sleep is a big deal.
…My Traveling Partner is also sleeping better, as a result, and seemed to be in quite an excellent mood even first thing. It is a nice change. 😀
One thing I haven’t been doing, though, is writing. Or painting. Or, honestly, doing anything that amounts to creative work or “me time”. I’ve just been too busy with all sorts of new job stuff, and by the time the work day is over and my commute is behind me, I just don’t have it in me to sit at a desk even a moment longer. I had that very thought this morning, and laughed; the solution was right in front of me. I grabbed my laptop and a comfy seat on the couch in the living room, with lo-fi on the stereo, and here I am… no time pressure, no sense of obligation, no stress. Just a woman, a moment, and some words. Nice. 😀
I sip my coffee. Colder now for having taken a break mid-sentence at some point to check out my partner’s progress on a project he’s working on for a customer. Complicated stuff. I enjoy his walk through of software features and new knowledge, and seeing how the template for a new piece develops, and where the challenges are. When he reaches that point where his words are more part of his internal dialogue than anything to do with our conversation, I kiss him and excuse myself to return to my writing.
If I examined this one moment and used it to gauge the entirety of my experience for “quality”, I’d have to say I’m both exceedingly fortunate and also very, very, happy. I sit quietly for a minute, just smiling and enjoying the feeling. I think most of us spend far too much time mired in what frustrates an upsets us. The challenges and aggravations of life become too large and too much of what life is “about”. It’s so worthwhile to really savor the satisfying pleasant moments, the joyful moments, the contented moments… and I find that doing so helps create balance, and resilience. It allows the “character” of my experience, overall, to encompass so much more than old trauma, or future worry.
…”Now” is quite nice this morning, so I think I’ll “stay here” awhile… until it’s time to begin again.
I’m mostly over my recent bout of whatever miserable illness struck me (and my Traveling Partner, and step-son). I’ve got a lingering cough, which frankly is no surprise to me – it’s nearly always the outcome of any sort of respiratory illness for me. It’s a byproduct of damage incurred from a combination of childhood illness and military injuring (those oil fires did me no good). It’ll pass, just takes me a bit longer than it otherwise might.
The new job starts tomorrow. Exciting. There’s ongoing forward momentum with my Traveling Partner’s business, too. It feels wonderful to support that, and even to help. Today I took next steps getting an Etsy page set up (almost done with that…). One thing at a time. Like any journey, it’s about next steps and incremental progress over time. I think about other details that I can add to the new page… a friendly shop-video walking future customer’s through our shop, and sharing our thoughts about how we make products, and what inspires us, maybe? Additional listings. Things like that – basic stuff.
…A lot of life’s richness and complexity is built on very basic stuff. That seems worth thinking about…
I sit in the studio, with the fragrances of scented shower fizzies filling the room. I am reminded that there are a couple more scents I meant to make batches of this weekend… cucumber-melon, lavender (a favorite), and something that smells like a rainy autumn walk. So many luscious scents to delight me in the shower – I want to make them all! The new batches of chocolate-orange and meadow flowers are lovely. (I find myself wondering if it’s too soon to take another shower, already…?)
In spite of the lingering hints that I’ve been ill recently, I’m enjoying the weekend with my Traveling Partner. Some video gaming. Some video watching. Some cooking. Some laundry. Some crafting and making. Nothing fancy – all of it’s been very “basic” quiet living sort of stuff… but… isn’t that what life is built upon? The small delights? The everyday pleasures? The time and care taken on things that are utterly routine? Life’s lasting adventure is built on small steps forward, not so much the grand gestures or big moments – those are rare, which is fitting for the way they hit our consciousness so much harder in spite of how fleeting they truly are. I find so much value in being present in the small moments and the basic stuff. I savor this one, with my now-cold coffee long-forgotten on the edge of my desk, just one sweet pleasant moment of so many… it’s too easy to overlook how many lovely moments there really are, if I am constantly rushing from one “big deal” to another, without pausing for breath.
…I pause for breath…
Life isn’t “perfect” (see the opening paragraph; I’m still not 100% over being sick, for starters, and on top of that I was born a human primate, so… there’s that). It’s not bad though. Hell, it’s better than bad… it’s good. I sit here smiling quietly. This is enough. More than enough. This is pretty fucking sweet, generally speaking, and I’m contented and sometimes even actually “happy”. That’s a very subjective condition, and it stymies me how similar circumstances are across the entirety of my life – there were a lot of moments in which I could have been far happier than I actually was, but… I wasn’t. At this point, I think that was (in many cases) as much because I just didn’t know how to be that thing we call “happy”, every bit as much as it had anything to do with the specifics of my life in that moment. Kind of a lot, actually. How peculiar. I can’t go back in time and “fix that”… but… you know what I can do? Revisit some of those moments through my recollections, and enjoy that moment then from my perspective of now. I don’t mean to suggest that I’m griefing myself over how I felt at that time – no good would come of that. I’m just taking time to recall something pleasant, doing so in great detail, and also letting go of any lingering baggage that may have become attached to that time, place, or relationship, and just… enjoying what I can about that time, then. It tends to reduce the lasting misery of miserable times, by undercutting the memory of the misery, and giving a wee boost to the memories of joy, however brief, fleeting, or impotent they seemed then. Worthwhile.
I pause again, this time to cough. It’s time to begin again. Some hot tea, perhaps…?
I’m sipping my coffee and preparing for an interview. I’ve got two today. In between those, I review other leads on suitable opportunities, and do coursework to refresh various certifications (and acquire new ones). Learning new skills is as much about a personal desire to continue life with a “growth mindset” – continued education has been demonstrated to slow cognitive aging – as it is to do with adding professional value. Both are worthy goals. Both require a commitment to time, study, and effort. I’ve got the time. I’ve got the curiosity and the will. All that remains is to make the effort. 🙂 So, here I am, with a hot cup of coffee and a highspeed internet connection. Studying. Updating my human software through learning. (First the learning, then the practicing!)
I haven’t said much about the CPAP machine and how all that is working out. I guess “okay”. Wearing the mask is… weird and uncomfortable sometimes, and it’s taken quite a bit of time (and mental discipline) to get used to it. I sometimes wake up in the midst of confusing dreams that I’m down in my foxhole on the perimeter, in the desert, at MOPP 4 in my NBC suit, mask on, waiting for an all clear that never comes. Stressful. It wakes me. I take off the mask, sit up for a moment and get my bearings. I breathe deeply. Sometimes I meditate for a moment or two. It passes. Sometimes, I wake up trying to turn over, and getting tangled in the hose briefly – but long enough to wake me, aware that I need to take more care. Sometimes, the sound of the machine wakes me. Sometimes the mask slips or shifts a bit, and I have to sit up and resituate the mask for better fit. Like so many things, getting it right takes some practice. I received my own machine just the other day (from the VA), so I’ll be returning this loaner to my local sleep clinic, and getting used to an entirely different model. Maybe better/easier? Maybe – maybe not. I guess we’ll see, eh? I’m certainly not questioning that I need this bit of support. I am sleeping more, and I’m not snoring (which means my Traveling Partner can sleep, which definitely a win). Whether the quality of that sleep is truly improved will be settled over time. I think I’m getting more/better rest… it’s pretty subjective, but I’ll go with it.
I started setting my sunrise alarm for an early time and getting up promptly and getting my day started, this week, returning to basic time management practices I associate with working. It was nice to take a break from it while my Traveling Partner’s son visited us, and then while I was down sick for a couple days. I even began sleeping past 07:00! The routine has value, though, and I’m taking advantage of it to get in some walking and writing time in the morning, and to give my partner a chance to sleep without me bumbling about and knocking into things, as I often do. It’s a routine that seems to work for both of us.
I look over my list of leads and tasks to tackle between interviews. First one coming up in about half an hour gives me time to study my notes before the call, and maybe get some fresh air and a bit of a stretch. I feel relaxed and ready. I feel worthy and centered.
I’m sipping my coffee and taking a break from reviewing an unexpectedly long list of new opportunities to consider. It’s a Monday, and for now the “new normal” in my work day is about looking for new work.
An earlier than necessary start feels consistent with an adult lifetime of working, and both gives me a leg up on the day, and an opportunity to slip out of the house well-before my Traveling Partner awakens. Ideally, this let’s him sleep in a bit, and that thought fills me with joy. (Human primates need to be able to rest even at the best of times, and we’ve both been ill for days and earnestly need as much rest as we can get.) Rest is not exclusively about sleep, though, and I make a point to take a short break from compiling job leads and catching up on various other job search tasks. I take a short walk around the block in the morning air under a soft gray rather featureless sky, then sit down to write – with a fresh cup of coffee.
I sip my coffee and sigh quietly out loud in this co-work space that will soon no longer be available. It’s hard to make a small business thrive in tough economic times. The shifting culture with regard to work, and whether that is in-office or remote work for many roles that lack a clear actual need to be “on site” for some legitimate business purpose, makes operating a co-work space a less than ideally secure business prospect in a small town, and the one I frequent is closing. For me, the convenience of a co-work space near to home has been a handy luxury that I appreciate – I’ll be sad to lose it.
I take a moment for gratitude – for this convenient space, and also for the ease with which I’ll be able to pivot to a different approach, a new routine, a new normal, after this final week in this quiet place. I’m fortunate. I’ve got a career that works well with remote work, and an approach to work that allows me considerable flexibility personally as to whether I work in-office or remotely in the first place. I’ve got a partnership at home that supports my freedom to choose from my options in the fashion that best suits me at the time, and a partner that “gets it” about why I might choose one thing or another. I enjoy another sip of my still-hot second cup of coffee as I reflect upon my good fortune, knowing it may not last, enjoying it while it does.
One of the challenges, for me, on life’s journey, has been finding myself distracted from “here and now” by yearnings for… something else. It’s not particularly helpful to become mired in what isn’t on this journey from where I am to where I will be later on. It’s a bit like trudging through ankle deep sticky mud; it may not stop me from making progress, but it will surely slow that progress considerably more than if I were simply moving forward on my path, step by step, with presence, care, and commitment. “Be here, now” is a powerful recommendation and reliably good starting point for a new beginning. “We become what we practice”, and there is a notable difference between desperate yearnings to become or to transform, and actual practices that result in authentic changes – and real progress toward a goal. Then, too, there’s the goal-less forward momentum of honest self-evaluation, freed from the constraints of the expectations and demands of others – which also grinds to a halt when I find myself mired that sticky mud of yearning to be something or someone else. “Yearning” hasn’t seemed to get me very far in life. It’s a peculiar sort of getting in my own way, by setting up the dream of something better, investing deeply in fantasies of that dream, and then… being frustrated that the dream never comes to life, all without noticing that the time spent dreaming the dream is at the expense of taking any actions to proceed down a path that could actually lead in that direction. Most peculiar. “Yearning” is interesting as verbs go; it seems to prevent actual action. I sip my coffee and consider it further.
…And here I am, at 60, still wondering what I want to be “when I grow up” lol…
…There is time to slow down, and enjoy the day. Time to write. To enjoy another coffee.
I don’t spend much time yearning these days. I don’t want for much. It’s less about “having it all” (hell, right now with no job and limited cash-flow and savings, I’m particularly alert to how finite my resources are), more to do with approaching life from a position of perspective, mindfulness, and sufficiency. It could be so much worse. I’m not yearning for fame or power or wealth. I’m content with living simply, with having enough, and I find adequate joy in the small things that work for me. I’ve got enough bullshit and baggage to work on without creating more headaches for myself by chasing other people’s daydreams for what I could have or who I could be. Yearning doesn’t fit into my day plan. LOL Still… Gnothi seauton. Self-reflection is a worthy endeavor. Getting lost in a labyrinth of yearnings seems less so.
I sip my coffee thinking about “being”. It isn’t always easy facing the woman in the mirror and some of her difficult questions (or painful accusations and burdensome disappointments). Reliably, however, I’ve found it far easier to make progress if I am making where I presently stand (and who I authentically am) as my starting point on any new beginning. Going from “here” to “there” is definitely simpler when I understand where “here” is.
…Funny thing… and a serendipitous coincidence… these themes are deeply explored in the sci-fi “space opera” that my Traveling Partner and I have been enjoying together while we’ve been ill. Babylon 5. Being vs yearning. Power and the consequences of seeking it. The corrupting influence of greed. The importance of love and compassion. Our very human journey of self, over the course of a lifetime. The heroic and the mundane, and this very human journey we call life. I’m sure immersing myself in the skillfully created fictional universe of Babylon 5 has done much to infuse my self-reflection with additional depth… posing new or old questions that very much want to be, if not answered, at least well-considered. So… I consider them. I consider me. I consider this moment in my journey, and where I presently stand with myself. I consider life and love and partnership. I consider what matters most, and how best to serve my mortal purpose.
I consider. I ponder. I muse. I wonder. I sip my coffee and prepare to begin again.
Evening Light 