Archives for category: Logic & Reason

Well…or something of that sort. I sometimes find it difficult to be certain I really am making progress, or that new skills actually function as hoped for, or that I’m experiencing real healing and holistic long-term improvements in quality of life, as well as in-the-moment improvements in how I experience my life.  An analog of this experience might be learning math in grade school; it is very difficult at that time in one’s life to understand what use it will have later on. Today, I found myself actually using new skills in a natural way, applying mindfulness to stress in-the-moment, using improved communication skills to clarify misunderstood details and context, taking care of me by expressing limitations and setting boundaries without being confrontational or accusatory and generally taking a brief moment of emotion and distress in my day, and allowing to be simply that – a moment.  Hell, I’m even having an excellent day – without mental gymnastics, denying myself my heartfelt emotions, or trampling on my own needs and boundaries.  Yeah, I actually do feel a bit like I ‘passed a test’.  If nothing else, I am encouraged that I am learning a few things that are helping me enjoy more of my experience, and really treat myself and my loved ones well.

In the spirit of celebrating a great report card, I’m going to get back to having a great latte, a lovely quiet morning of jazz and conversation, a little housekeeping as the day wears on – in short, enjoying my Saturday.  I hope you enjoy yours, too.

A picture of another lovely day.

A picture of another lovely day.

Touch is important to me.  I think it always was, but for most of my life I was really very restrictive about people touching me casually.  My feelings on the matter of touch at that time were, more or less, ‘if we aren’t going to have sex, please don’t touch me’.  How very isolating that was!  I’m in a different place as a person – although, admittedly, I don’t prefer total strangers ‘breaking the contact barrier’ with me, without warning or consent.  I really enjoy being touched, though.  So much baggage, so little time… lol.

I was thinking about touch, and my issues relevant to physical intimacy in general, and it reminded me that I had been considering this very topic just last night in a moment of nostalgia.  I was contemplating a tender point in life’s journey, and learning to Love, when I had finally really begun to welcome touch into my every day experience.  My lover at that time, an amazingly nurturing man of considerable skill with relationship building, had a practice of welcoming me home from work – or the store, or wherever else I had happened to be – with a moment of real connection.  He would put everything down for an embrace, and a moment of connected contact.  There we would be, in each other’s arms, holding each other, feeling the warm of our bodies close together, feeling our heartbeats begin to beat together, and experiencing all the wonders and intangibles of being in the arms of someone we love… and it was every day, every time we reconnected after being apart, and it was… extraordinary.  I began to do it, too… every time he was away from me, and returned, I put everything down and put my attention on him, on us, on now.  It was my first experience of loving mindfully – but I didn’t know it at the time. It’s an amazing thing to experience.

I miss it.

Oh, there’s no lack of affection in my life. I have wonderful loving partners and a good life.  We share mutual affection, and closeness, and as much intimacy as we can make time for… real life sometimes seems to get in the way.  Now I often find myself crying out in the wilderness of my chaos and damage for this something that seems missing… those seemingly infinite moments of connection and intimacy are far more rare now, and kind of hit or miss.  I feel it.  I’m learning enough about love, and loving well, to recognize what I miss. (Hey! That’s real progress for me!)  I guess now I need to learn the words to say ‘I love this. I want this.’ and then go about the business of ‘being the change’… that’s the harder part; making it a verb, an action, a reality.  Being the change.  How do I build something I don’t understand? Life’s curriculum apparently gets more challenging as I progress through the lesson plan.  🙂

I do want to say something more… if you have this level of intimacy and connection with your friends and lovers and partners – any or all of them – cherish it! Nurture it! Value it above all things, because taking it for granted can result in a loss that feels…well, it’s very similar for me to grieving the loss of someone dear to me, actually.  The sense of ‘being without it’ is hard to overstate.

Today, I will learn something more about being intimate, and fostering intimacy in my relationships.

Autumn is coming. I can feel it as my morning routine shifts and changes with approaching colder weather. Funny to say that, the morning after a 90 degree day, but I feel it. I feel a little slower this morning. My bones ache where arthritis has already settled in. I feel stiff and tired, and lingering in the shower, while refreshing, did nothing to improve my range of motion this morning. My head ‘feels foggy’ too, as though my body woke without letting my mind know. My latte tastes wonderful, and feels necessary. The sky is still dark, although I’ve been up now for nearly an hour. So, this morning, a slower start.

I’ve started playing SuperBetter. (Wow, that seems completely off topic, somehow…) I’m not sure what else to say about that. It seemed worth commenting on at the moment I brought it up, but I am still a bit groggy from staying up later than I usually do… and now I don’t recall why I mentioned it. lol. It’s a cool game, though, that brings self-work into the gaming arena.  I’m finding that it makes staying focused on improvement, growth, and change feel fun and rewarding, where so often it can feel a bit isolating and frustrating [for me].

Anyway… another work day. Another day for love, Love, and romance. Another day. By itself, that’s enough most of the time, isn’t it? 🙂

Oh, right… it’s September 11th.  I’m American. I could say something about that, but my opinion, once heard, can’t be unheard – and often my opinion on such matters is less well received than I expect it to be. lol. Why trouble you with it now? We can talk about it tomorrow, or the next day, or perhaps sometimes when it seems harmlessly apropos. Today, pundits will fill the airwaves with their opinions, and some portion of the world will listen, and repeat it as original thought, or nod along as to the beat of music no one else can hear, and everyone will go on with their day satisfied with themselves, and feeling righteous, patriotic, and justified.  I don’t know how much of that is really a good thing… I dislike knee-jerk patriotism. (When people dance like puppets, I’m pretty sure there’s someone pulling the strings.)  Suffice it to say that I don’t find violence as a political solution any more effective, appropriate, or acceptable than it is as a relationship building tool for individuals.

"9-11" 2001

“9-11” 2001

Enough about that. How are you, today?  Do you find that your peers, friends, and loved ones respect you and treat you with consideration, compassion, and affection? Have you found the balance between life and work that fulfills you, and provides you with adequate resources to pursue your passions in life? Do you feel ‘successful’? Did you wake up eager to face a new day, with a smile, or a song in your heart? Were the first words you heard today words of encouragement and love? Are you ‘happy’? Are you content? Is your relationship with yourself more about delight… or criticism? Do you have a plan? Do you have a Plan B?

Sometimes there is real value in slowing myself down for a moment, and letting my brain catch up with the rest of me. The unanswerable questions about you, out there, somewhere else in the world, enjoying the dawn, or sleeping through it, do that for me nicely. Thanks for ‘being there’ for me. 😀  I pose these questions relevant to you, but of course they are also questions to answer about myself, aren’t they? (Nice one, Brain, way to sneak in some quality introspection. lol)

This sort of chaotic mental wandering is what happens when I write before I’m quite awake. lol.  This morning I’ll have a second latte before I head to work, and take a few moments alone, content, and serene as the dawn unfolds.

Labor Day is past, and with it any recognition of the value of labor, perspective about work and employment, and respect for working class people in general. lol. Well, perhaps not, but it sometimes seems that way.  Living in a world where there is even room to argue about whether there ought to be a ‘minimum’ wage in the first place drives home a pretty clear message that people have a dollar value, and that perhaps it ought to be much lower… which is strangely consistent with the message that it is cheaper to slaughter them wholesale in faraway lands than it is to offer them employment.  We’re strange creatures, human primates.

Why am I even considering the plight of the working class right now? It’s Monday morning. lol. I am preparing to go to work. I don’t write much about work, or working, and certainly the details of my employment are largely pretty irrelevant to questions of ‘who am I?’ or ‘how can I be a better person?’.  What got my attention this morning was actually a Facebook post from a friend commenting on the high percentage of young people eager to retire before their careers even develop.  I’m not really surprised by that.  Personally, I’m generally quite surprised when people don’t seem to be eager to retire at all.  I’m also surprised by low-wage workers who, instead of railing against the low wages, fight to work more hours – as though the thought that the pay itself is what is out of whack doesn’t occur to them… as though they don’t realize they are worth more money.  I’m sure a lot of business owners, large and small, would like to pay less for labor than they do now… but my perspective (and reading) tend to support that the vast majority of workers are grossly underpaid as it is – to the very large benefit of very few people.

I’m not hopping on my soapbox this morning, it’s just an observation about my bemusement that we value ourselves, and our place in the world, so poorly as a general state of things.  Me, I’d love to retire. I’d retire tomorrow and make way for someone younger, faster, hungrier for glory… I would step aside right now, no hard feelings, if I knew I could support my family on my retirement income.  I have plenty to do – writing, painting, developing relationships, being.  (Employment, for me, has never been more than a path to have the resources to do these things, anyway.  There is no value in employed labor whatsoever, for the employed individual, beyond the conversion of labor to spendable dollars.  We’ve been deceived if we think there is.  The only exception is when we employ ourselves to build, make, create, explore, develop, or offer to the world something really new, otherwise, it’s just a job. lol. )

It’s Monday morning, after a very good weekend. I’d rather wake up, have my latte, and paint all day, or write, or walk, or have sex, or talk to friends, or shop… but I will head in to the office, soon, to do things for other people, that in the grander scheme of things are pretty… unimportant.  It’s how I pay for the next lovely weekend, and the next one after that, on into the holidays, and vacations to come.  I’d retire tomorrow if I could afford to.  I have so much I want to do… and so little time for me.

Happy Monday!  🙂

It’s been a lovely evening after an interesting day.  It’s been a day of ordinary pleasures and extraordinary love.  Good lattes, great conversations with people I love, moments of delight and respect, moments of wonder, moments of excitement, even a moment or two of complicated emotions I don’t really have words for at all.  Now, night has fallen. The household is quiet. Ahead of me, a few moments taking care of me; meditation, yoga, a shower, and some unmeasured time gazing at my aquarium before I sleep.  There is really no need to look back to see what is behind me, not right now. Now is simply…this quiet place, this quiet time.  I am not always this aware of how little assurance there really is of having one such beautiful moment of peace and contentment. I am aware, for now, how unwise it is to count on having this moment – or any one moment – of such specific pleasure.

Still… and it is ‘still’ right now… Still, this moment is this peaceful, and I am content. Quite content. It’s very nice. I’d be happy to feel this way a lot more than I generally do.  I’m here right now, though, and I am enjoying it for what it is, without reservation.

There are so many small delights in this brief moment… the laptop… the MC Frontalot t-shirt… the knowledge  that so many people who matter so much to me are only as far away as this keyboard, and their own. In that sense, we’re almost touching… I hear the rain coming down again, and the cat creeping across the roof… and quiet.

Shhh… Here comes the future…