Today I am grieving with distant family. This, too, is a very human experience, but today there will be no other words.
Archives for category: Love
I woke early this morning, ahead of the alarm clock by an hour or a bit more. It was an unexpectedly nice opportunity for connecting with a partner in the wee hours for a few precious minutes. Love doesn’t mind the clock.
The remainder of the morning, thus far, has been spent in meditation and study, quietly, gently, enjoying the stillness; except for that one bit when I whacked the back of my wrist against the corner of my desk somehow. Ouch. (It had that ‘blow to the funny bone’ feel to it.) This morning I have been contemplating the nature of time. I haven’t meant to, it’s just what my brain latched on to when I wrapped up meditation. You see, it’s been an incredibly chill and restorative weekend for me. The subjective feeling of it is even that it was ‘a long weekend’ of painting, hanging out, and some shared evening time with partners watching videos (science shows and Archer), although it has been the ordinary 2-day sort. It’s been quite delightful, and an extraordinary way to prepare for the very busy workweek to come.
This weekend I took care of me, and managed to meet most of my needs for myself. It’s been an exceptional taste of emotional self-sufficiency. Powerful. Something clicked recently, and I’m enjoying the outcome of that. I hope, and intend, to continue to invest in the practices, choices, and changes that are proving to be such a powerful win for me over time.
“Summer Afternoon” and a lovely weekend to paint.
I spent much of the weekend painting. It is a whole different magnitude of change in quality of life for me, as an artist, to have space to paint – not just room to do so when I take time to clear space, set up, work on a few pieces, tear it all down and put it away for next time; the difference is in having dedicated space to paint, and to work creatively. Now I know what I was yearning for, and having it, I now really understand why it matters so much. It’s a realization that feels a bit like the tail end of a South Park episode; the point at which Kenny delivers his short monologue that begins “I learned something today…” I learned something this weekend; I need space to paint, and it is an emotional need, the meeting of which improves my quality of life enormously. It’s a practical understanding of myself, too; I’ll never again shop for housing the same way, for example, because I’ll be looking for ‘space to paint’ in a non-negotiable way, any time it comes up in the future.
The days of this weekend were much more ‘timeless’ than a typical weekend. I rarely looked at a clock, and the days seemed long and leisurely. Is it a byproduct of investing in doing what I love, and taking care of me without stress or worry? What slowed the hands of the clock this weekend? Whatever it was, I’m grateful for the wonderful weekend, invested in taking care of me. Bringing mindfulness practices to the realm of my emotional life, and my emotional needs, doesn’t come naturally to me, yet; I practice attentively, and with discipline and commitment. Sometimes it feels vaguely ‘forced’, and I find myself fighting old programming that says my needs don’t matter. Every moment of that battle is so worth it; this weekend was a small ‘payout’, a return on investment, and I feel recharged and refreshed.
…Because I don’t do cross stitch. 😀
Today is a good day for beginnings. Today is a good day to be the woman I most want to be. Today is a good day to embrace change. Today is a good day to savor each precious moment, to connect, and to be present. Today is a good day to change the world.
How often have I heard it – how often have you – “you just…” or “you only…”, or “it’s super simple…” and subsequently found it a journey to new heights of frustration? It happens. Perspective matters. Experience counts. Aptitude gets to weigh in, whether we like it or not. What is obvious to one person, isn’t necessarily obvious to another. These are what make patience with each other, consideration, kindness, and compassion so incredibly valuable; we don’t all ‘get it’ with the same quickness, or in the same way, we don’t all learn at the same speed, and of course we are each having our own experience.
It’s been an interesting weekend to contemplate one particular very human duality, and finding balance between them. The first of these, and unavoidably so whether we recognize the truth of it or not; we are each having our own experience. Recognizing that has been a big deal for me. The other, and no less important generally; we’re all in this together. Yep. Interdependent, connected, social, and organized, one look at a global map of internet connections and it’s pretty obvious that we’re connected, by the communication of thoughts and emotions if not by flesh or ideology.
Each precious moment holds something worth cherishing now, something worth sharing.
This has been a good weekend to apply a number of things I’ve been learning over time. A good weekend to paint, to practice taking care of me, to invest in my continuing education as a human being, to invest in the qualities of mind that make me more who I want to be. The weekend went to ‘unscripted mode’ before I ever got home Friday night, though we’d had plans as a family that would have taken much of the weekend. I found myself undisturbed and content to let the weekend take me where it might, and I’ve been delighted with the outcome. Having space to paint set up and ready to go any time resulted in an easy and gentle switching of gears, yesterday morning, and it was as effortless as walking up a flight of stairs to be in another space, a different context, and enjoying my experience on my own terms. It was lovely.
“Summer Lamb’s Ear” 8″ x 10″ acrylic on canvas w/glow.
It was so productive, and comfortably so, that this morning I woke already thinking of painting, although my calendar clearly shows I’d intended to hike this morning. My arthritis chimed in early, having been my wake up call, alerting me that today would be characterized by more than usual pain, and less than ideal freedom of movement. Hiking would probably help. Painting could wait until afternoon. I dither over coffee. What do I want?
“Carried Away by Opinion” 8″ x 10″ acrylic on canvas w/glow, glitter, and googly eyes.
Letting that go for the moment, I reconsider the somewhat peculiar weekend. I have been content, satisfied, serene… it’s been a lovely weekend so far, and I feel nurtured, comfortable, and secure. It’s peculiar because observation tells me that my partners may not be having the same quality of experience, themselves. Earlier plans falling through has seemed to find them discontent, and to my outside perspective, struggling with various levels of unhappiness moment to moment. That sucks. I see it. When I can, I attempt to appropriately support them both, and each, and nurture positive experiences, and treat them pleasantly, and compassionately. What I’m not doing this weekend is undermining my pleasant experience by adopting their discontent for myself. This is an area of life and relationship building where I find a lot of my challenges. Ripping out programming that once drove me to make choices based on ‘well, if I really care, won’t I also be unhappy and share their feelings/experience with them?’ has been slow going; it feels somewhat disloyal to take care of me. That’s how programming works, though, it’s rooted in layers upon layers of internal dialogue, self-talk that uses key words and language to keep us in line, and it fights for survival as though it has an identity all its own.
Sometimes a change in perspective matters more than we can know before we get there. “Summer Lamb’s Ear” photographed in darkness.
The weekend has been, for me, so far, quite wonderful. I have no idea where today will take me, and I have not invested in any expectations of it; spending the day on chores, painting, and study, and enjoying the companionship of my partners, would be satisfying and sufficient. I could enjoy investing time in keeping my image archive organized, or exploring my options for updating my webpage. A walk in the forest, camera in hand, would be lovely, too.
What do I want of my life, today? Whatever it may be, today is probably quite an excellent day for that.
Every long journey ideally has an occasional rest stop along the way, or a place to pause, pull off the road, get some rest, or some refreshment. Why would a spiritual journey, or a journey of self-discovery or healing be any different? Moving through life at break-neck speed is not only rushed, pressured, and full of momentum that robs one of detailed observation; it’s exhausting. I still approach my experience, some days, with a sense of urgency – as if, perhaps, I am too late to find my way out of the darkness, or perhaps if I don’t move quickly enough to change, or find a better way to treat myself well, and enjoy my experience, the clock will run out with the work left undone. That’s a lot of pressure.
When I move through my experience at a speed dictated by pressure, I get all tangled up.
A series of recent experiences, moments, and observations find me, this morning, feeling a bit as if I pulled off the freeway to rest for a moment. The morning is calm and quiet, but beyond that, beneath the calm surface of this morning’s gentle thoughts and acceptance of the moment, is a similar deeper calm and contentment within my heart, as though the very framework of how I experience myself and my life are somehow altered from some other prior observation of them. It’s not ‘good’ or ‘bad’, it is exquisitely not related to value judgments at all. I feel present, alert, content. I feel aware and calm and strong. It’s a pleasant morning.
Last evening was its own experience…
Last night wasn’t about me. There isn’t more to say about it than that; I was more passenger on that journey, than driver, and I wasn’t even the passenger in the front seat. There is no criticism in those observations, and no yearning that things be different. I am not alone in the universe, and each of us having our own experience definitely means that many many experiences are not even a little bit ‘about me’. I found it a worthwhile experience to share, to participate in, to observe; I definitely value the lesson in perspective.
Somewhen recently, very recently, I found a sense of inner strength that feels like I had simply misplaced it along life’s longer journey; a strength that has been with me all along, that I count on so utterly it functions entirely outside my awareness, generally. I’m glad I spotted it in the wreckage and dusted it off. I love this piece of me. These past couple days I have been exploring this sense of comfortable experienced womanhood and wisdom gained over time. That doesn’t sound at all humble, and if reflecting on my strength makes you feel uncomfortable, I understand – me, too. Still, here I am, and I am okay with this moment in time, this point in my experience, this unhurried complex nexus of will and experiences that is some part of what is really ‘me’. It’s certainly worth spending some time getting to know me, yet again.
Because…flowers.
Today is a good day to explore the outcome of change over time, and take a step back from the details and enjoy the experience at leisure. Today is a good day to take a break from the work of becoming, and enjoy being. Today is a good day to love. Today is a good day to embrace the change we’d like to see in the world with enthusiasm, and will, and unhurried desire.
Here it is a day later. I got through yesterday without even one moment of tears, not one tantrum, and precisely and exactly just one moment of unexpected irritability in the afternoon, and I caught that before it flared up into something worse! Go me! (Is it appropriate to be this pleased about it?) I managed each detail of my self-care attentively, and when I arrived home after my work shift – shorter on Wednesdays, thankfully – I continued with meditation, a shower, some yoga, some calories, and crashed out prepared for the alarm to go off at 5:00 am today. As it happened, I woke a couple of times before then – once because I hadn’t figured out that although I was tired, I was also a bit noise sensitive. I got a drink of water, and whined about it briefly before returning to bed. I woke again in the evening… early enough to enjoy some refreshing slices of deliciously ripe mystery melon with my partners and our house guest, share some conversation and laughter, and hang out a few minutes before, one by one, everyone but my traveling partner retired for the night. I slipped off to bed ahead of him, too. I wasn’t surprised that I was tired enough to go back to bed. I gave Tuesday night 100%.
I woke this morning, ahead of the alarm, by a lot less than I guessed I had in the darkness. I woke with a song in my head and a smile on my lips. I feel good. I have a slight headache – a residual effect of not being able to drink water in my sleep, I think. This morning I switch back and forth between water and coffee as I catch up on email (how do I get this much ‘real’ email in just one day?) and the world.
I had a very cool experience touching on perspective, love, appreciation of self, and all manner of nice self-directed feelings yesterday. To share it I need to share one detail about myself before I go further; I have poor facial recognition. Seriously poor. I can stand next to someone I love, scanning a crowd frantically to find them, and not see them next to me. I can walk up to a man I have been sexually intimate with, and not recognize him. I am more likely to recognize people from photographs, I think because of the higher involvement of pattern recognition ‘circuits’ versus face recognition, but I don’t know. Not my area of expertise. So… there’s that. Then there’s the moment…
I was waiting on the platform for the commuter train yesterday, and when it pulls up, I did my usual thing; I watched commuters disembark and head on their way. There reaches a point when I am looking at them through the windows, instead of as they exit the door. I see a woman smiling, relaxed… she’s sexy. Not young, but confident, comfortable in her skin… she’s.. wow. Yeah. I’m standing there smiling back at this woman and we make eye contact… only… I realize as my eyes focus differently, and I’m really looking ‘at her’… she is merely my reflection in the window glass, not actually another passenger. I didn’t fight that moment, as tired as I was I simply went with it, awake, aware…and feeling strangely ‘in love’ with this amazing woman I am looking at – even knowing she and I are one. I’ve felt a bit differently about me, since that moment. It’s a nice feeling, worth growing into and exploring further. It feels like a homecoming, and a welcoming back to something I have missed for a long while.
Where does my journey lead?
Today is a good day to enjoy progress. Today is a good day to enjoy love. Today is a good day to enjoy change and growth and things that seem scary from a distance – like change and growth. Today is a good day to enjoy the world.
