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Pre-dawn Gloom

February 10, 2024 //
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I’m waiting for the sun, or at least daybreak. Enough light to make out the trail so I can get started on my walk this morning, would be enough, actually. I woke earlier than necessary and also failed to get up and out the door without waking my Traveling Partner. Shit. Well, I did try.

I woke with a headache and feeling rather… cross? Gloomy? Pointlessly aggravated for no reason. I refuse to capitulate to my relatively crappy mood, since it fails every reality check. There’s nothing amiss and it’s a lovely morning in every respect, aside from my mood. Emotional weather. It’ll pass, like any rain shower.

… I know my mood will improve after a walk along the marsh, and down the path past the river, listening to the birds and breezes. My Traveling Partner pings me to share a video, bringing a smile to my face. I feel loved and this headache doesn’t change that.

I watch the sky begin to lighten with a sliver of dawn down low against the horizon, silhouetting Mt Hood in the distance. I breathe, exhale, and relax. It’s almost time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

About That Careful Plan…?

February 9, 2024 //
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I’m drinking water and preparing for dropping by the lab to provide a sample. My day was planned around medical stuff – mine and my Traveling Partner’s – and… I screwed up. I mean, not huge, but… I guess stupid finds us all, eventually. I somehow had managed to convince myself (like, a lifetime ago) that a fasting blood draw would nonetheless allow for, you know, morning coffee. For fucks’ sake, right? My Traveling Partner was kind about it, when he woke to the smell of coffee to find me contentedly sipping a very excellent cup of coffee first thing and expecting to go do the lab work. LOL Damn it. He patiently shared an article with me reinforcing his certainty that having coffee was a no-go. I admitted with some embarrassment that I had (literally)(my entire adult life) always gone ahead and had (black) coffee even on days when I had to do a fasting blood draw for some reason. LOL Omg.

…Make no mistake, stupid catches up with us all, eventually…

So, yeah. I pivoted to a more or less ordinary work day, with a plan to just do the urinalysis sample on my way home (it doesn’t seem smart to wait on what can be done today). I managed to sit down to a relatively full inbox and plenty to do, and managed to knock it out pretty quickly… as though I hadn’t just screwed up my entire actual plan. The plan is not the experience. The map is not the world. I began again, and here I am. It’s a pleasant day in spite of the bit of chaos I managed to add to it. 😀

I take a breath and exhale. I woke with this headache, and I wish that weren’t a part of the day, but it is and I’m dealing with it. I schedule first one new medical appointment and then another – either or both could be relevant to the headache, whose constant companionship I will not miss when it’s gone. I laugh at myself for feeling “so grownup” to be taking steps. Overdue.

I sigh and finish my bottle of water. It’s already time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, turning 60, winter

The Day Has Come

February 4, 2024 //
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It’s been a lovely couple of days of relaxed solitary time, mostly spent reading and walking on the beach. Time well-spent. I feel refreshed and recharged. I finished a book I wanted to read (I even started it over to get that fully immersed reading experience). I had a chance to miss my Traveling Partner, and I’m eager to return home… my own bed, my own bathroom, my own cooking… and the tremendous joy and delight I take in the company of my partner. I miss all of that, and I’m eager to be home once more.

I’m already packed (all but my computer bag, for obvious reasons), and there’s very little left to do besides take the last items to the car, and go. I’m enjoying the morning. My coffee this morning is less awful than yesterday’s was. I’ll have a slightly better one once the “breakfast bar” is open. (It will reliably have coffee better than what the drip machine in the room will make.) Better still, I’ll grab a genuinely good cup of coffee on my way out of town.

Last night I was still on the fence about my departure plans… I thought, perhaps breakfast, maybe one more walk on the beach? I nearly always tease myself in this way, but by the time I wake up on the last day of a bit of time away, I’m just ready to go home. lol I’d rather make pancakes or waffles or just scrambled eggs and toast and a really first rate cup of coffee and enjoy them with my Traveling Partner, at this point, and no restaurant experience can really compete with that. Honestly, that’s a really nice feeling to have about a relationship. 😀

I slept well enough, last night, I suppose, though I woke regularly to check the time (I’m clearly eager to go home at this point). I finally just got up, quite a bit earlier than any other day that I’ve been here, and earlier than I do most work days. lol It ‘s not even daylight, yet – not even close. It’s still an hour until the hotel’s breakfast bar opens. I sip my terrible coffee contentedly. It’s a pleasant morning, and I am enjoying the morning and feeling very prepared for the next thing. 😀

So, it’s home to love and routine, and with enough time to prepare for a new work week. I can feel myself shift gears, ever so subtly. It’ll be time to begin again, soon enough, in the meantime, there’s this coffee to drink, and a sunrise to watch… 😀

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Categories Allegories, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter

Now

February 1, 2024 //
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The day began earlier than it needed to, and I am okay with it. I’m waiting for daybreak to get a walk in while my Traveling Partner sleeps. Afterwards, I will make a trip to the grocery store to stock up on things he likes (and can make pretty easily), and then do a bit of tidying up before I finally finish packing, load the car, and hit the road for a couple quiet days of (hopefully) restful downtime.

I spend a few minutes meditating. I look over my packing list for obvious omissions. I update my to-do list. I sit quietly, taking note of how my body feels, and “where my head is at”.

My tinnitus is loud today and I am in more pain than usual. I’m physically uncomfortable, but I also feel pretty good emotionally, and generally quite merry and eager to face the day. Learning to hold space for these very different experiences at the same time took a long time to learn, and longer still to recognize the value in doing so, but so worth it. Being able to acknowledge and enjoy what’s going well in spite of what’s going poorly is a way of preventing shitty experiences or feelings from wrecking my entire moment (or day). Handy, considering how often I am in pain.

I take a breath and sigh as I exhale. It’s early, but I go ahead and take something to help manage my pain. Self-care is important to my own well-being, sure, and it’s also something I can do to support my relationships; miserable people make other people miserable, too. I’m not miserable with pain yet, but I could easily become so, and that’d be a crappy way to start off on a few days solo.

I’ve packed my paint box. My camera is ready, too. I’ve put the Lord of the Rings “Return of the King” in my bag, planning to finish it. There’s very little packing left to do (my CPAP, my pillow, things I was using during the night mostly). I’m really down to doing things to maximize my Traveling Partner’s comfort and convenience while I am gone. I take a moment to sit in quiet contemplation; I am so grateful to have a partner who is comfortable with me taking a few days solo now and then, and who truly supports my emotional wellness.

I smile, thinking about how much I know I will miss my partner, even though I am choosing to be away, and really need this time. I also know I will return home eagerly and happy to see him, and to love and be loved. It’s useful perspective to miss each other now and then.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Soon it will be daybreak. Soon it will be time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Countdown to Solitude

January 31, 2024 //
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Some people are not at all into being alone. Solitude can be nerve-wracking for people who don’t like being alone. I’m not one of those people. Quite the contrary, some of my easiest most relaxed and comfortably contented moments are those when I am alone. I enjoy a solitary hike more than I enjoy companionship on the trail, and even the distant presence of others within view is a subtle irritant when I am most craving solitude. It’s beyond the irritation that is the sound of voices… it’s almost as if the mere presence of another human consciousness is too much for mine. It’s a little weird, because human primates are social creatures – even me. I just happen to have a strong liking for solitude, and a relatively high need for it, from a basic self-care perspective. Yes, yes, I know; it’s likely a trauma thing, but honestly that’s neither here nor there when it comes time to care for this fragile vessel in practical terms.

I’m sipping my coffee and counting down the hours; tomorrow I head to the coast for a couple days of quiet solitude. I’ll have my paints with me, my camera, and I’ll be near to a couple of favorite trails, and miles and miles of walkable beach. I’ll bring Lord of the Rings (books) – maybe I’ll finish it? I’ll sleep in (maybe) and nap (probably), and my life will not be constrained by clocks or calendars or lengthy to-do lists. It’ll just be me, being. I’m looking forward to it. Like… a lot.

…Funny… I’m also aware that I’ll miss my Traveling Partner the entire time I’m gone (which is okay, we gain a lot of perspective on how deeply we love each other when we have a chance to miss each other now and then)…

Yesterday’s unexpected almost-Spring weather of breezy sunshine and mild temperatures has given way to stormy gray clouds and intermittent rain. This does nothing to dampen my enthusiasm for tomorrow’s drive, or the coastal weekend ahead; rain or shine a view of the ocean is a marvelous change of scenery. When I go to this favorite location, I often leave the balcony door open wide to the ocean breeze and the sound of the waves crashing in for hours. If it’s chilly weather, I put on layers. I love to listen to the sound of the seashore. (Funny how different from each other the Atlantic and Pacific coasts sound. Funnier still that they both remind me of my Granny, and times we spent on the seashore together.) Being on the coast, near the seashore with a view of the ocean, really does something to replenish and recharge me. Similar-but-different to forested getaways or visits to vast plains or deserts; they each have something to offer the solitary traveler.

…I used to think I might like to take a cruise, then I really considered being crowded into a huge floating city with thousands of very human strangers and… um… no. That actually doesn’t sound pleasant at all. Too much people-ing. lol

So, yeah, the countdown to solitude has commenced in earnest… tonight I’ll pack my paints in my paint box for portability. Tomorrow… everything else, and a trip to the store for my Traveling Partner so he can also comfortably chill and enjoy some time on his own terms without having to fuss over groceries. The plan is made, and so are the reservations. 😀 It’s almost time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, art and the artist, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Love, meditation, Mindfulness, Moments, Oregon Trails, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter
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