Archives for category: Metaphors
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Excuse Me, Where Am I Going?

April 10, 2013 //
1
Sometimes the path is clear.

Sometimes the path is clear.

I had an interesting dream last night.  I found myself before a big ornate door, dark and imposing, and I felt a sense of uncertainty about where I was, and where I was heading.  I knocked on the door and as it opened felt I was standing before ‘the heart of the universe’.  A woman answered the door; a woman of uncommon beauty and serenity, with laugh lines rather than wrinkles, and of an indeterminate age that only seemed ‘not young’. She radiated calm, compassion, and wisdom.  She smiled and sunshine broke through clouds I hadn’t even seen.  She wore my face, but seemed somehow unknown to me in the course of my own experience of life.  I felt her inquire in a questioning way, but wordlessly, and what I thought I heard was more an assurance than a question “I can help you with this.”  I replied simply “Where am I going?” and felt we were truly somehow saying the same thing – as though questions and answers are entirely interchangeable.

I was suddenly in a sunny meadow walking alone, only remembering her, and her words and a big map, with a convenient ‘You Are Here’ arrow. “If your focus is on just one element of the journey, how will you find your way?  Consider the method, the map, and the destination, or be lost aging, not growing.”  She pointed to the map, “You Are Here is where you are, not where you are going.  We don’t choose where we start, we start where we are – and choose our destination.”  I had wanted to ask her again, ‘Where am I going?’, but her compassionate smile stopped me.  She held the door for me then, gesturing to the world on the horizon, “I can’t be you, now, you are not here, yet.  Soon enough, if you follow your path…”   I shaded my eyes from the sun as I stepped into the bright light of day… and woke suddenly, in my dark room to the eager beeping of my alarm clock, and a new day.

It lingers with me even now… “We don’t choose where we start…”

Spring flowers along the way

Spring flowers along the way

I wonder what the journey will be like…who I will become over time… how life will change me… how I will change life around me… now where is that damned map… 😉

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Categories Allegories, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Roses, Spring, women, Words

Brute Force Mindfulness

April 9, 2013 //
4

So…um…right… I am humbled in the face of my humanity, and admittedly ‘doing my best’ isn’t always…adequate? Suitable? Ideal? Perhaps not even functional. I am very human.  Not unexpectedly, practicing mindfulness throws me the occasional curve ball, or offers me an intellectual or cognitive challenge I didn’t anticipate.

A great morning to share a smile!

A great morning to share a smile!

Yesterday,  I took a walk on the wild side… ‘brute force mindfulness‘.  O.m.g… the humor of it buoys my general good spirits today, and I am still sort of scratching my head that the eventual outcome included a completely unexpected ‘thank you’ for ‘being there’… but I am not sure I was ‘being there’ the way I’d ideally like to be for people.  No fooling, I had hit a wall of frustration at one point that actually resulted in my yelling – literally yelling, in a rather unpleasantly commanding tone – directives that were borrowed directly from my mindfulness practices…but… how effective is it to shout orders to ‘Breathe!’ at someone who is losing their patience ?  Or to resort to angrily demanding that someone  ‘Be here!‘ when they seemed trapped in some other moment?  (That last was only a fragment of what I was moved to say, but the ludicrousness of shouting commands to be in some way more mindful got to me before I got more words out, and I forced myself to shut the hell up before I went further down the path of the ridiculous.)

Compassion wins out, this morning, and I accept that I was in enough pain last night to be pretty easily tested to my limits, even with people who matter to me a great deal.  I sure don’t feel like I was at my best for emotional resilience, respectfulness, or consideration – and as humorous as it still is that I snapped in that very odd way, I hope to build a lifetime of good skills and habits that allow me to bend as a reed in the wind, instead, and to be able to comfort rather than berate.  I’d throw the hormone card, but facing menopause on the horizon, that’s really too unpredictable to be certain, and this morning it sounds like a crutch or an excuse, more than a mitigating circumstance.

It’s still pretty funny. 😀

My quiet morning resulted in some whimsy about the whole thing, and I want to say simply this; I’m in an all or nothing place with mindfulness, tending my roses and my heart with care, showing myself and my loved ones mercy, and living the best way I know how.  If I have to, I know to tell haters to back up, and just keep practicing and taking care of me.  In the mean time, I’m going to give myself a chance to appreciate the humor of life, and lighten up a bit.  😀  It’s a lovely Tuesday…

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Categories Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

I Have the Answer!

April 3, 2013 //
1
Spring, and a metaphor for choices.

Spring, and a metaphor for choices.

…Actually, what I have are questions. Sometimes things I think might be answers turn out to be other questions, too.  Are you disappointed? I’m learning not to be. There is value in a question, perhaps more value than in the answers.  Frankly, this is as close to an April Fool’s Day prank as I could think of, and it wouldn’t have passed muster on 4/1/13 – there was some amazing pranking going on, so I saved my little joke for today. 😀

I haven’t been sleeping well this week, but it hasn’t been troubling me much.  I’m in pain with my arthritis on a level that rivals the worst winter, but it isn’t driving my experience.  Similarly, everyday stress at work, and at home, isn’t really rocking my boat like it has in the past.  I’m not over-thinking it.  I’m enjoying it, though.   My morning now begins with meditation, and my day usually ends that way; I am living as mindfully as I currently know how to, and I keep learning more.  I won’t swear it is a solution or that it is an answer, but I am finding value in the experience every day.  I’m not surprised that how I begin my day matters for how it continues.  I am surprised at how difficult it is to share the experience with someone else.  Just as I couldn’t find my own way until I was truly ready, it has proven to be the case with everyone else, too, I can only tell my narrative; share words about my experience, not the experience itself.  lol.  So – I am focusing on taking care of me, learning skills and practices that enhance my experience and provide me with greater emotional balance, as well as learning to ‘catch myself when I fall’.  My own experience is improving, and it somehow stands to reason that eventually that better experience will contribute to a better experience for my friends, loved ones, and if the hippies are right …. the whole vast wide world will improve thereby. 😀  It’s a nice thought, and I’d love to be part of that experience.

Starting with a lovely moment in the garden is a good beginning to the day.

Starting with a lovely moment in the garden is a good beginning to the day.

So, it’s a cloudy Wednesday. It’s a busy world. Today I am focusing on something extraordinarily uncommon… ‘common decency’.  Some of my ‘Big 5’ are actually very tied to this idea; respect, reciprocity, consideration, compassion…are all very much part of what I think of as ‘common decency’.  So, today, I am hoping to practice some uncommon common decency with all my associates and encounters, and following up on that by making sure that the people I love are the people I treat the best, and to whom I provide the highest standard of ‘common decency’.  😀

I hope you enjoy the day, and find something small to delight your heart.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

Observations From Behind a Smile

April 2, 2013 //
4

It’s a lovely Tuesday morning. I spent a couple chill hours over lattes and quiet conversation with a partner, (and friend, and lover) wrapped in harmony and love. I’d call it a delightful start to a nice Tuesday, but actually, I was awake off and on through the night, generally drifting back to sleep pretty quickly after footsteps, a door closing, or the sound of plumbing would bring me to wakefulness.   By 4am my day had started; I was awake, meditating, then doing yoga before the alarm went off.  Finding charming company, meaningful conversation, and love, waiting for me after I dressed for work was a bonus.

A metaphor? We dug this rose out of the ground last year, but it isn't giving up.

A metaphor? We dug this rose out of the ground last year, but it isn’t giving up.

My favorite April Fool’s prank this year came in the form of a blog post. First rate. 😀 I experienced a range of emotions as I read it, and not only got a relieved chuckle out of finding out I’d been pranked, but also found the content insightful and worthy of further contemplation.

Progress isn't necessarily about speed, as much as a sense of purpose.

Progress isn’t necessarily about speed, as much as a sense of purpose.

I have begun to understand that the most nurturing and supportive relationship I have, ideally, must be the one I have with myself.  Counting on anyone else for that seems less wise the more I learn about  treating myself well. I had an interesting moment recently, where it dawned on me that this process of learning to treat myself well, to be more mindful, and to be genuine is rather like falling in love…with me. I didn’t know it would be this way. I find it easier to respect and honor myself, my own values and needs, and my strengths, without having to deny or minimize my weaknesses, or skills where I could clearly use some remedial work.  It seems entirely acceptable lately that I’m not ‘good at everything’ or beyond error.  Self-acceptance feels pretty fucking amazing. 😀

Sweet spring flowers - what else needs to be said?

Sweet spring flowers – what else needs to be said?

Learning to be genuine, and practicing using language in a more clear and simple way, has had the interesting by product of finding myself very alert to evasion, misdirection, spin, and misrepresentation when I listen to people talking.  There are some fun bits to that, but now and then I am also faced with really hearing what someone I care about is saying, and experiencing how it can present an uncomfortable moment or two for me, and I’m learning how urgently important it is to take that moment and decide if I want to ‘poke that hornet’s nest’, or observe the experience and let it go.  I can choose to be genuine. I can choose to be candid, open, honest and vulnerable. I can’t choose it for someone else. That’s totally ok, too, I’m more than busy enough with me. 😀

A worthwhile moment for loveliness on a Tuesday commute.

A worthwhile moment for loveliness on a Tuesday commute.

The walk in to work was nice, and it felt good to feel my steps, and breathe in the spring scents of flowers and bark dust and mown grass.  I saw wee birds at play, slow-but-purposeful snails, and a rather fancy slug. My eyes and my heart were open, and the smile I woke with is still with me. Is life perfect? Nope. Are there moments that leave me doubting some of my choices? Yep.  I have some unpleasant moments, and an assortment of challenges, and I deal with pain every day…but I am learning to experience ‘now’ differently, and to value what feels good and to cherish and nurture what meets my needs over time.  I’m enjoying being this woman I am – and learning to do that mindfully may be one of the best gifts I have ever set about giving myself.

Being special is sometimes as simple as being who we really are.

Being special is sometimes as simple as being who we really are.

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Sleepless Nights, Spring, Turning 50, women, Words

It isn’t always easy…sometimes it is.

April 1, 2013 //
1

Yay!  Today is going so smoothly…which, historically, would not be the case after a night of limited sleep, of poor quality, with plenty of wakeful moments, and waking well before my alarm and not getting back to sleep afterward.  I did try to go back to bad after waking around 3:45am…but the alarm goes off at 5am, and I know that, and so do my brain and my body. Sleeping more wasn’t super likely, and it seems I got enough real rest to get by on.  It helped that the small challenges of the weekend didn’t leave me in any sort of residual funk.  My partners were up in the wee hours, too.  We hung out together for a few minutes, and one by one we all went ‘back to bed’.  I didn’t sleep, but it was time well spent in meditation, and even gave me a couple of opportunities to practice some of the new things I am learning about managing my anxiety through self acceptance, and mindfulness; when the anxiety began to rear its head this morning, as I lay in the darkness, it seemed less…real.  I accepted that I have those feelings of anxiety, and I allowed myself some compassion for having to endure some of the negative messaging that plagues me (plagues us all, I’m sure), and simply sort of turned over those words and ideas, and tumbled them around a bit for a better look, without judging them, or even buying into them as being at all ‘valid’ ‘accurate’ or ‘real’… I mean, seriously? They’re thoughts. I can create anything with thoughts, even things I know damned well are not real, so, this morning, my anxious thoughts had no power over me, and went away without even grumbling very much in the background.  😀  That was delightful, and not expected or demanded – I’d have been content to simply accept myself, and coast awhile until the alarm went off.  Instead, I found myself relaxed and calm and quite serene when I rose with the beeping of the infernal alarm…and it’s a lovely day.

I took a few moments this morning, too, to consider my Big 5 of yesterday’s post…I focused on each for a moment or two, asked myself ‘what can I do today to honor this particular quality in my relationships?‘  For a moment I broke out in a cold sweat…and that anxiety started creeping in around the edges.  When I realized I felt intimidated by taking a chance on doing something I think, myself, is the right thing to do, I took a few deep breaths, considered the qualities I am working to improve, master, enhance, experience… it suddenly mattered much less that I feel unsure of myself, and much more important that I do my best to do what feels right.  😀   I am learning to take care of me, and as I get better at that, I find I am more easily able to treat my lovers well, too.  That’s very exciting!

‘Consideration’ is a tough quality to define… and it is one of the most important ones, I think, for living harmoniously with others.  I keep thinking about how difficult it was to Google it and get a clear definition, or something relevant that seemed also unarguable… so, on this one, I am going to have to figure out quite specifically what that means to me, and how to share that information, and also figure out what my lovers need from me in the way of being treated well, and with consideration.  The stack of lesson plans in the school of life and love doesn’t seem to get any shorter… and that’s ok.  I expect to be attending this school all my life.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women, Words
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