Archives for category: Post Traumatic Stress
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Wind and Rain and Weather

December 14, 2016 //
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I went to be quite early last night. I was tired. I slept through the night. I woke this morning, a couple minutes ahead of the alarm. I feel well-rested. All of that is good stuff. I ended my evening on the recovering side of a bad headache that lasted most of yesterday (and started the day before), and my last few minutes before bed were spent working out a terrible leg cramp – in the muscles of my left shin, which still seems rather strange. The pain, as with any other leg cramp, was quite terrible. It woke me twice again during the night, but awareness and a position change was sufficient to work things out and return to sleep. I’m not in any particular pain this morning, as I sit here.

Not too tired to pause for a beautiful view.

Not too tired to pause for a beautiful view.

If I spend more time, this morning, thinking about the headache, arthritis pain, or leg cramps of yesterday, I will quickly lose sight of not actually being in pain right now, and lose the opportunity to hold this moment in awareness, to appreciate and deepen it, to linger in this pain-free moment. So, instead, I note those less comfortable moments briefly, without emotional investment, and move to on steeping in this moment right here, pain-free, listening to the wind howl around the eaves, the wind chime rocking out madly, and the low whisper-y moan of the wind in the flue pipe, sipping my coffee. The weather forecast is cold. Freezing, in fact, with some hours of snow thrown in later, making it clear it is a winter day.

Even cold winter days offer beautiful moments.

Even cold winter days offer beautiful moments.

I’m missing my Traveling Partner, but not enough to sacrifice our comfort or wellness by making demands on his time, or mine. Yesterday, I was exhausted and headache-y. The day before, he was exhausted, himself. So it goes. The busy weekdays are a tough fit, worsened by the commuter traffic in our area, and the limited amount of leisure left over after working. Moving into my own space with the fairly childish daydream of somehow always being together while somehow also being alone much of the time was an awkward thing, and did not reflect the realities of either of our lives, or our varied needs. It took time to find my way here; content with solitude, content with the time I spend in the arms of love, content that the quality of our time together balances the time I spend alone, also of high quality, as I learn to treat myself truly well, and really care for this fragile vessel, and to adult more skillfully. Lonely is a rare thing these days, even when I miss my Traveling Partner the way I do this morning, as I sip my coffee listening to the wind howl.

This is a lovely morning, characterized by contentment and quiet. I smile and consider the woman in the mirror… When did she become so easily satisfied? …This definitely feels like “enough”…

The morning commute offers some lovely moments.

The morning commute offers some lovely moments.

I’m strangely eager for my walk this morning, as cold as it is. The winter wind will whip across the bridge, it may be slick in places, icy. It’s a good day for bundling up, and I find myself wondering if I would be more comfortable with a hiking base layer under my work clothes today. Oh but to see the blue sky peeking out from behind the clouds, the city illuminated by dawn… it won’t matter that it’s winter in that lovely moment, cold fingers working a colder camera… beauty is worth stopping for. How much slower is the pace of life if we simply stop for each beautiful moment at least long enough to notice it? 🙂

Today is a good day to enjoy beauty, and to pause for pleasant moments. Today is a good day for practicing practices. Today is a good day to be, and to become. Today is a good day for sufficiency.

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Categories Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

Nothing to Say Here…

December 13, 2016 //
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I woke with a headache, to the sound of the alarm. I’m sipping my coffee quietly some time later, sort of waiting for words to come to me, which is not my most effective approach to writing. Have I used up all the words? Quite possibly, I suppose… there are only so many. 😉

I recognize, sitting here, that it is more accurate to observe that I’ve got things on my mind I haven’t worked out, yet, and since they are both on my mind and not yet fully considered, I find it difficult to write, generally. There is thinking and feeling to be done! I sit with that awareness awhile. There was a time when either the thinking, or the feeling, could have gotten in the way of living the moments, and I would write steadily  throughout, reluctant to fully experience either the thinking or the feelings. Lately I find the participation in life, itself, highly engaging. I find thinking and feeling worthy of contemplation – fearless, fruitful, deep consideration, without rumination. Also without much writing. Later perhaps. There will be time, later.

I sip my coffee, and find it is at just that perfectly comfortable drinking temperature, pleasantly warm, not hot enough to burn my mouth. I finish the cup, and stare into the Giftmas tree for some moments, listening to the aquarium trickling in the background, and my tinnitus ringing, tinging, buzzing, and beeping in the background. (Yes, beeping; a short repeating morse code phrase, as if heard from a distance, quite audible to me though, in a very quite room.)

I make reminders to myself on my calendar: call for a doctor’s appointment, call to cancel a no-longer needed service for my Traveling Partner, make an appointment to get my eyes checked and order new glasses, connect with the realtor about a house I’d like to see. Life. Adulthood. Decades distant from most of the chaos and damage. How then does it still ever have any power to haunt and hurt me so much? Because I choose to allow it? Because that’s the very nature of post-traumatic stress disorder? Because I have a brain injury? Because that’s how our negative bias works? Because we become what we practice, and I’d practiced maintaining that state of things far longer than I’ve yet to practice something different? All of that? More? Other? Sure, okay, even all of that – there are new beginnings within reach, every day. New practices. More time. This life thing truly is a process and a journey; the destination is in the living moments, each one, here, now. 🙂

A second coffee sounds good. There’s time for that. Time for meditation. Time to begin again. The headache sucks, but that too will pass. 🙂 I’m here, now, and I have this moment. It’s enough.

 

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Categories Brain Injury, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being

Gnōthi Seauton

December 12, 2016 //
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No, seriously, do it. Take time to sort yourself out, to figure out who you are – based on your values, your understanding of your experience, your wants, your needs, your chaos and your damage – the highs, the lows, all of the whole of your experience are part of the answer to the question “Who are you?”. The answer itself is that first step on any journey, whether the answer is held in our awareness or not; whether we take the step is part of who we are. Who we are fills that moment, often imperceptibly brief, between when we form the thought or feel the impulse to step forward, and the moment we lift our foot to take the step. It is in the thought itself, and the impulse.

Today is “team building” with my professional peers. I’m okay with that. I find reflection powerful. I find communication useful. I enjoy growth, and relish connection. Should be a fun day.

Along the way, of course, there is structure to which I must succumb, and I find myself doing so with some amusement; I have been here before. Personality tests are often a part of these experiences, intended to foster improved understanding of one another. A younger me would go into it with less comfort and more resentment, understanding that these tests and quizzes have literally zero actual evidence backing them up as having any particular accuracy or validity whatsoever. (I’m not bashing on whatever your favorite eye-opener is, I’m just saying that generally speaking, things like the Myers Briggs test and DiSC assessments have no scientific basis, even after many years of use and data gathered. They are corporate America’s astrology, best done for ‘entertainment purposes only’ and taken with a grain of salt.) I find value in the sharing and communication. I enjoy working with people who feel connected and informed. If a quiz can open those doors, then let there be many such activities! 🙂

I don’t need to be “right”.

I know myself. Well, better than most other people know me, at least. I’m still working on the rest. Am I the “ENFJ-A” of this morning’s Myers Briggs? Hardly. I am a more loosely defined, more variable set of characteristics. I live. Any one quiz, however many questions, makes observations based on a snapshot, a moment, a few answers of ever-so-many more that may be available. An astute observation that results in improved self-awareness, easier authenticity, and a more enjoyable life-experience overall is surely welcome – but I won’t be changing my mind about what I know of myself on the basis of an internet quiz. 😉

I do put effort into this whole “knowing myself” thing, though; there’s more to learn. Like the vastness of space, or the unfathomed depths of the oceans, there is much I do not know about life, love, and the woman in the mirror. On every journey there is an unexplored horizon in the distance.

Today is a good day to walk on, more questions than answers, eyes-wide open, awake, aware, and engaged in this moment.

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Categories Brain Injury, Fiction, Free Will, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, Words

Giftmas Wishes

December 10, 2016 //
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Giftmas is approaching quickly. I am feeling merry and cheerily invested in what is as likely to be a solitary holiday as not; there is no certainty in my planning these days, and I am learning to be okay with that. It is in the planning that my own comfort lies, and in clear communication and expectation-setting when plans begin to shift, or go sideways unexpectedly. Each of life’s disappointments, hardships, and changes open my eyes to some new perspective or opportunity, a little like a holiday advent calendar.

Let it snow? Sure, why not? Or don't - that's okay, too.

Let it snow? Sure, why not? Or don’t – that’s okay, too.

Last night was wonderfully merry, and definitely my idea of a festive holiday season. My early Giftmas present arrived on my doorstep, and when I got home one of my neighbors brought it over; he’d taken it in knowing I was not home. I had no time to open the box before a small posse of my former colleagues from another company (and dear friends) stopped by for some holiday cheer and catching up on things.  We enjoyed a (rare treat for me) glass of sherry together, and hung out sharing anecdotes, and generally enjoying a couple precious hours together. I miss those guys; seeing them every day was the best part of that particular job. It’s always been the people that matter most, though I didn’t always understand that. 🙂

Eventually, alone again in my quiet sanctuary on the edge of a marshy meadow, fire reduced to glowing embers, I opened the box. I cried happy tears that couldn’t be held back. I ran my fingers along the glossy black enameled lines of the new mixer. Some feminist, right? Standing in my kitchen in fuzzy spa socks, caressing a kitchen appliance, crying happy tears. I laughed out loud, still weeping with joy. Down to the tiniest detail, that man loves me. Fuck, I hope I am truly worthy of such profound emotion.

This mixer is black… it replaces a beige one, a color that was, at the time, a compromise; I had wanted a white one, then. My traveling partner ordered this new mixer, standing in my kitchen while we talked of other things. He chose one that matches my current appliances, understanding my aesthetic. He may even have understood that there is significance in how very “opposite” the glossy black is in my eyes – a gift given truly from a place of love, utterly the opposite in every way to the off-white mixer, which was given out of obligation and delivered into a relationship characterized by violence, violation, and destruction. (Although I loved the old mixer for its exquisite functionality and utility and purpose, every time I used it old damage and pain would surface to fill my consciousness again…over decades.) This morning, I stood in the kitchen making my coffee, smiling at the beautiful black mixer on the counter, alluring, promising good times in the kitchen, and reminding me only of love.

This morning the apartment is filled with music. There’s housekeeping to be done; my Traveling Partner is planning to be over tonight. The mixer stands ready for adventures in baking, and I have a stack of cookbooks next to me that I began flipping through last night. I look at them, and smile, and somewhere in a dark corner one of my demons lays down and dies, as happy tears slide past my smile. “I’m free!!” something inside me shouts with joy. I’m not sure quite what, or quite why.  I’m okay with feeling this good in this moment.

Today is a good day to be merry. Giftmas is almost here. Today is a good day for giving, and a good day for loving. Baking holiday treats may not change the world, but they’ll sure make the house smell wonderful!  😀

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Categories Brain Injury, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter

What Makes You Glow?

December 8, 2016 //
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I’m sitting here just smiling. I’ve been smiling since before I went to bed last night. Life doesn’t feel like this every day, and I’m enjoying the moment. I feel “lit up from within”.

Moments that feel rich and warm and well-crafted of the stuff of daydreams aren’t an everyday thing. That used to be a problem for me; I was chasing the Happily Ever After of childhood fairy tales. No map. Happy not being the thing I think I thought it was. Slow going – and I wasn’t getting there. Sitting here this morning, smiling, sipping my coffee – I am happy. This is nice.

what

What makes you glow?

I got home after work, my Traveling Partner and a friend had arrived ahead of me, and they were next door enjoying the company of our friends there. Some visiting, then it was just the two of us, at my place, relaxing and talking and connecting – intimacy, contentment, that contented longing of lovers who want each other even after years together, and… Giftmas. 😀 I do love the holidays. “Your place is festive”, he had observed. It is. The conversation got around to holiday baking, at some point, and he made a funny face at me, when he notices the store-bought cookie dough in the fridge waiting its turn. He knows I bake. What the hell, right? 😀 No mixer. I am so not up to creaming endless pounds of butter and sugar together by hand! The conversation moves on. At some point I notice he is distracted on his phone, and he notices me noticing; the secret is revealed. He is holiday shopping. It’s Giftmas time!! He teases me with revealing the surprise, then admits he plans to have it to me right away; he is replacing my Kitchenaid mixer. It’s an unexpected delight, and an emotional moment for me; hundreds of times I have not chosen to replace it – and I can’t rationally explain why. The money? They’re not cheap… but it wasn’t that.  I make a puzzled face and let the wondering go for some other day. He saw my happy tears, he understands that as silly as it is, sometimes things also have meaning beyond what they are.

Saturday I’ll have a mixer… I can make my grandmothers’ cookie recipes, or my Traveling Partner’s mother’s, or my Dad’s, or my own. I can make fruitcake. I can make macarons – or at least learn how. It’s a mixer, just a kitchen appliance in most practical regards – a very useful tool. This morning, and last night, it also amounts to a moment of genuine happiness, not about a mixer (or I’d have replaced it myself), but more about a moment of healing, of love, and of being understood and cared for. This morning I feel wrapped in love. I think it is moments like this one that leave us so often feeling like materials things matter… because I could easily confuse these feelings for being to do with the mixer itself, rather than the circumstances of life, and loss, that were tangled up with the old one it replaces. It’s the moment that is the source of great joy, and the moment is less tangible, and less easily discussed, than the mixer itself… which isn’t even here yet. 🙂

…He chose one that matches my other appliances. I smile.

…He thought to make sure it reached me in time for some holiday baking. I smile.

…He recognized the lingering sense of conflict and loss over giving up the old one. I smile.

…I am well-loved, and am fortunate to be able to love in return, and this moment, here, is quite precious. I smile.

Love matters most.

Love matters most.

This too shall pass. Still smiling I allow myself the awareness that such a powerful deep moment of joy not only won’t last, it isn’t meant to; without the ups and downs, and the complicated complexity of all of it, how would I experience this as a moment of joy? Also knowing suffering provides the comparison needed to recognize it. Without the hurting over the loss of the old mixer, and the complicated baggage around its meaning in my experience (a wedding gift from my violent troubled first marriage, that I carted around for decades of baking – a lifetime, really – the value of the tool out-weighing the painful memories that surfaced every time I used it), I would not experience this new one as a moment of joy at all… it would just be a mixer. 🙂

Today is a good day for a moment, awake, aware, and willing to embrace the whole of my experience to be also able to experience this particular moment, here. Now.

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Categories Brain Injury, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Big 5, women, Words
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