Archives for category: Sleepless Nights
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October 27, 2017 //
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I rarely look forward to another day, and a chance to sleep in, as much as I do waking up to the alarm, groggy and sick on a Friday morning, after a restless interrupted night. All I could think about was “tomorrow I get to sleep in”. Hell, I’m still eagerly assuring myself that tomorrow there will be no alarm clock.

I woke during the night choking on a situation that went well beyond “post nasal drip”, sufficient to wake me in a panic, struggling to breathe. I didn’t even bother attempting to go immediately back to sleep; I’ve been waking up just about the same time each night since Sunday, and most of the week, eventually also getting up, having a cup of chamomile tea, and attempting to meditate, usually unsuccessfully, before returning to bed. I can almost hear the creaking and groaning of routines fracturing like ice on a winter pond under the weight of my experience of being sick. I’ve run out of fucks to give, and basic self-care is just about the best I can do this morning.

…I’ve been managing to keep the dishes caught up, though. 😀

Still sick. Definitely not feeling particularly inspired. Willing to begin again… tomorrow, though, okay? 🙂

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

Sick, Tired, Uninspired

October 26, 2017 //
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I’m still sick, and it is sort of pissing me off (along with just feeling poorly). I mean, it isn’t that bad, right? Just bad enough to keep me feeling fairly under-the-weather, fatigued, and out-of-sorts dealing with symptoms. I get over the headache, the sore throat gets worse. The sore throat isn’t so bad? Well, the sinus congestion is worse. Got the sinus congestion mostly managed? No problem, how about we move this crap into my chest and add a cough? I guess I wasn’t surprised by the return of the headache, the swollen glands, or the utter lack of deeply restful sleep, which persists. Who the hell decided we needed to be meat puppets of all things?? Highly inefficient. Prone to illness, and all manner of breakdowns. :-\

I grumble through my shower, yoga, my morning coffee, and even a restless attempt at a morning walk around the block, which got me to the end of the driveway. (I really “needed some air”. The fresh air felt lovely, but I am too sick to take any sort of long walk.) Meditation, like sleep, works out less than ideally well.

On my way in to the office, I’ll stop by the doctor’s office and lab, and have a properly credentialed adult provide an opinion; it’s rare that I’m sick more than a day or two, and this is day 4. I remind myself that it is more than likely what I thought it most likely to be initially, just this year’s newest strain of ick going around. Common enough in my work environment. This being the case does not stop the circumstances from being incredibly annoying; I have weekend plans. 😦 The closer the weekend gets, the less likely it seems that those plans will live to see real life in action. Yes, hell yes, I am disappointed. Sort of. Almost. I’m just sick enough to also mostly not actually care any time I think of sleeping, sleeping in, going back to sleep, napping, resting, lying down… Yeah, I’m totally sick.

I may not write tomorrow. The desire to sleep in today almost got me to reset the alarm for later. Tomorrow I might follow through on that, since I clearly need more sleep right now. I’m too sick to have much to say that has any lasting value, the writing is habitual, and part of “who I am”, I sit down to it each day mostly without even thinking about it, or planning to. It is a commitment. A compulsion? A practice.

Tomorrow, I’ll probably just begin again. 🙂

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Categories anhedonia, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Sometimes Tea is Better

October 24, 2017 //
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This morning I am annoyed by how poorly coffee serves to soften dry irritated regions of my throat. Isn’t it a hot beverage? Isn’t that why I think tea is good for that? So… c’mon Coffee, help me out here?

We get stuck on an idea or belief, and clinging to our favorites isn’t such a harmless thing as choosing coffee when tea would be a better choice in the moment. We really hold on to some wild ideas. We make shit up in our own heads, don’t even verify that it is or is not true, then act on all manner of assumptions we build on that fantastical narrative we’ve crafted. Fairly silly, really.

Take time to question what you “know”. I’m regularly surprised at how commonly things I have embraced with great conviction and certainty turn out to be quite incorrect. Demonstrably, provably, unarguably incorrect. I make a point of questioning things that I feel very certain about, for that reason.

I enjoy a nice comfortable certainty, as much as anyone else. I seriously dislike the confusion and discomfort that come of having certainty toppled unexpectedly, or the drama of discovering too late that my assumptions were not shared, nor realistic. The more often I challenge my sense of certainty, and seek to verify assumptions in some explicit way, the more any lingering sense of certainty may be legit – because I’ve taken time to challenge it. Maybe more than once. 🙂

I finish my coffee. Switch to hot tea. Yep. Hot tea for the win. No idea why, but it is definitely better at softening dry sore throats. Definitely. I’m certain of it. Or… well… maybe it’s only that this is my second hot beverage, and the circumstances simply required more than one? lol Right. It could be that, too. I’m definitely less certain now. No less content. No less appreciative of a hot cup of tea on a chilly morning, hoping to get over this bit of a cold.

It’s a decent morning to be more correct, and less certain. Feeling super certain about things? Take time to test your assumptions, and fact-check your own content. It’s a good way to begin again. 😀

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Such Fragile Creatures

October 23, 2017 //
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Sometime shortly before bed I noticed the tickle in my throat. All night long, my snoring woke me repeatedly, and the tickle quickly became a sore throat once tender tissues had dried out, due to breathing with my mouth open. I got up again and again. Another drink of water. Had to pee again. Just couldn’t seem to maintain sleep. I finally just got up, around 2:30 am, and made a cup of soothing chamomile tea, and sipped on that until my painful sore throat wasn’t so painful and sore, and I could swallow with relative ease. I went back to bed and slept deeply for an hour.

My coffee sucks this morning. I taste only the bitterness of the brew. The hot liquid is soothing on my throat, though. I continue to choke it down; I definitely do not need the headache that would result from not having my morning coffee! I’m tired and a little dizzy, fuzzy-headed, and more interested in going back to bed than going in to work. I check my temperature. During the night it was 100 degrees. This morning it is normal. That’s something, anyway. I take stock of physical sensations, and wonder if the mild dizziness is the Benadryl? It easily could be. It could easily be the poor quality of my sleep, too. Either way, something to be aware of.

I’m annoyed to be feeling poorly. I am hopeful it will clear up quickly, as the last little bout with some unidentified ick did. I have things to do, and don’t care to be thrown off by illness… but… That’s not how these things work, is it? 🙂

I step up my self-care, and look for things I can do for myself to be more comfortable during the busy day ahead. It’ll be a weird day for it. Minutes ago I was chilly, and turned up the heat. It hasn’t even warmed up by one degree, yet, and already I am now feeling overly warm. My head aches, but it’s that viral sort of headache that often goes with a cold, and I have done what I could for that. I tuck a couple packets of instant chicken soup into my hand bag along with some tea I like when I’m sick.

I look over my “to do list”. There’s really nothing that can’t wait a day or two until I am feeling more myself, other than routine basics like dishes and taking out the trash. I plan ahead, perhaps a couple of early nights, lacking any stress, will be sufficient to get me over the worst of whatever this is?

I start this particular day looking forward, very much, to its end. lol I’ll begin again tomorrow… 😉

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

The Sound of Silence

October 20, 2017 //
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My ears are still ringing. An evening to remember, for sure. Wow. GRiZ. Opiou. The company of my Traveling Partner and a couple of friends down for a night of fun. My ears are ringing, sure… and I am awake far far too early. I’m still smiling. 🙂

Live.

I got home “at a decent hour” a bit past midnight. Made a point of doing basic self-care stuff in spite of the late hour, and got to sleep soon enough to manage a couple hours of deep sleep, waking groggy and unconvinced it is worth it to drag myself around adulting on so little rest. I reset the alarm for an hour later and slept for 3 more minutes. lol

No, seriously – live life. Do things. Go places. Have experiences. 🙂

I’ve no idea what today holds, besides this smile. And coffee. There will be rather a lot of coffee. Maybe I’ll see my Traveling Partner again tonight. Maybe not. The day will unfold, crafted from choices and circumstances, enhanced by observation, perspective, and emotion, and interpreted through this wily squishy bit sloshing around in my cranium. The journey is the destination.

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Categories Art, Brain Injury, Free Will, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being
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