Archives for category: women
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

There’s Sand in My Oyster

March 19, 2013 //
4

I woke in an ok place this morning, after an ok night’s sleep. I’m feeling better, but…small things…I am struggling with small deviations from the routine, small chronic frustrations with every day life, minor mishaps and disappointments, more than seems appropriate.  I want to shrug it off as being ‘a little cross’ with myself, or ‘waking up on the wrong side of the bed’, or anything at all that minimizes it and ‘makes it go away’, but those things are not true.  I’d rather be disappointed to the point of heartbreak that my brand new blow dryer didn’t work this morning, or irritated that my cell phone battery didn’t recharge, or anything at all that isn’t what is really grinding away on my consciousness, in the background.

I don’t know that I have the words, or the appropriate forum, to discuss what’s on my mind – rape.  For me to discuss rape honestly requires the willingness to face a level of information sharing that is ‘too much information’ on multiple levels, and possibly damaging to hear, for some people.  The internet is buzzing with it anyway, and that’s why it’s grinding away on my own consciousness –  I’m a rape victim, myself. How can I not be affected by politicians negotiating whether or not I can have an abortion if I get pregnant from a rape? How can I overlook that there are people who actually think the consequences of a rapist being convicted are worthy of more serious dialogue than the consequences of the rape itself for the victim? How can I overlook the horrible numbers, the statistics, the historical data – the strong likelihood that just about any woman, anywhere, is probably going to face some kind of sexual assault at some point in her life? I feel agitated and ‘trying not to be’. I feel fearful and struggling with a veiled feeling of hostility. I feel anxious.

How did we ever come to this? ‘Civilized’? Hardly. I could almost feel the smugness mingling with the horror of so many voices in the wake of one heinous Delhi gang rape in December…but Steubenville was already seething in our cultural undercurrent, it happened in August.  Where are the good guys? Where are the heroes? Where is the country where there is no rape?

I feel sad. I feel wounded. I feel lost.  I will fill my ‘now’ with the day’s work, and hope that the distraction from ancient hurts will ‘be enough’… I need to feel wrapped in love, in the arms of lovers who would never hurt me…but for now, fluorescent lighting and the low steady din of ‘busy as usual’ will have to do. I am learning more about living mindfully every day, and practicing meditation, learning compassion…but just at the moment I feel rather as if I am attempting to apply a small band-aid to a sucking chest wound…or gasping for air in a vacuum…or drowning…

…Wait..wait…am I missing this moment? Is there a lesson here, too? I will take time for me, before I move on soaked in fear, and just breathe…I mean, hey…it’s just a Tuesday. I’m certainly worth a few minutes of my own time and compassion…it hasn’t all been easy, and hurting sometimes is probably a given. I hurt right now, but I don’t always…

Tags , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Rape, Relationships, Uncategorized, women

The Parable of Poison

March 18, 2013 //
8

A Person comes to a Friend bereft because a Loved One offered poison to drink, and having consumed it, this Person was in terrible pain and agony. The Person and the Friend commiserate at length the nature of the crime, the motive to offer poison, the sort of poison it was and how agonizing the pain. For days they spoke and there was no relief from the agony. The Person and the Friend went to the Law to address this grievance, and the Law spoke at length on the punishment suitable to the crime, depending on the sort of crime it could be determined to be. For days the Law spoke and there was no relief from the agony. The Person went far and wide with the pain and the agony, speaking at length with other persons, looking for agreement that a crime had been committed. The Person railed at and against the Loved One, demanding redress, acknowledgement, change and even vengeance, and shared the anger and pain and terrible agony far and wide with many other Persons.

One day, the Person met a Wiser Person and related the tale and the pain and agony of having been given poison by a Loved One. The Wiser Person listened carefully, and asked “Why did you drink it?”

Hmm…

I read something recently that gave me some clarity around the emotion of anger, but differentiating clearly between the emotional experience (‘the feeling’) of anger, and how it moves us to behave (‘the expression’) being called hostility, instead of also calling that anger. Nice wordsmithing, actually, because that actually gave me a foothold on greater understanding of a complicated piece of my experience.  Anger isn’t pleasant, but the emotional experience is pretty personal, and limited to the individual experiencing it – until they share it with another, in the form of hostility, and it isn’t all that different from offering someone poison… but if I am offered poison, in theory, I don’t have to drink it. 😀

Yesterday I woke in a good mood, but considerably sicker than the day before, and drained, exhausted, and suffering a pretty horrible headache, too. The morning went sideways when my limited emotional reserves met real-life unexpectedly – and it really was as if someone I love had walked right up and handed me a cup saying ‘here’s this poison, I made it myself, have some?’ and sure enough – I drank it right down. lol. Learning compassion and practicing mindfulness haven’t put me beyond the realm of human experience, for sure, and I not only took the whole mess quite personally, I over-reacted more than a little. As sick as I was, my supply of good decision-making was also diminished and I found myself out in the world, walking and crying like a madwoman, and under-dressed for the weather, which was a dumb choice since I was already ill. All too human, right? lol. I sort of ‘forced myself’ to make some better choices; to go home, to have some calories, to rest, to let the small stuff go, and sure enough things sorted themselves out – because it wasn’t my experience that had me wound around the axles in the first place, and I didn’t really have to drink that poison.  I am hoping to learn how to politely say ‘thank you, no’ when I find myself ‘offered poison’ in the form of someone else’s anger being directed into my experience as hostility…

Other ‘cups of poison’ being handed round recently include a variety of news articles about rape and rapists, after the news about the Steubenville rapists being convicted.  Another blogger really ‘gets it’; being sympathetic to the convicted rapists rather than to the victim is more than inappropriate, it is offensive. They said it better than I would have, and it’s definitely a share-worthy message.  I’m glad I’m not reading/watching media news right now – the heinous insensitivity of the talking heads on parade could easily have triggered my PTSD for weeks, and I just don’t need it.

It’s a good Monday, in spite of being sick, and I am eager to be well and able to enjoy spring.

Tags , , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Rape, Relationships, women

All Too Human

March 16, 2013 //
1

I’m home sick today, plans cancelled, wrapped in comfy clothes and a bathrobe, unconcerned with much of anything besides being comfortable. It’s no dire illness. It isn’t terminal. It won’t be chronic or particularly prolonged, I’m sure. It’s really just a cold virus of some sort. Miserable, irritating, fatiguing, but it isn’t a crisis. It is, however, very human.  So here I sit, pretending I am still drinking my tasty mocha, but it went cold a while ago, and started to become ‘decor’, poised on the coffee table, reminding me how nice being loved feels when I am not feeling well, myself.

Yesterday was a good day, and I spent it working on things that matter to me, heart and soul, mind and body, and I didn’t write at all. By the time I got to thinking the sorts of thoughts that inspire me to write, it was late, I was clearly already ill, and sleep seemed the more rational, nurturing choice. I did get my hair cut, and it was an incredibly fun experience, as it turned out, and I love the new look. Funny what we hesitate to do over our fears and insecurities.  I’m a little glad I’m sick this morning, in one respect, it tended to temper  my first sight of my short hair ‘first thing in the morning’. lol. Oh my… I did not really think ahead to ‘morning hair’!  Yeah, I admit, that first look, first thing, was far more startling that having my hair cut short in the first place, and being ill kept me from taking it at all seriously.

I find myself bouncing between amusement and annoyance that it took me so long to be in a place to heal my heart. Pain sucks. Meditation practices and mindfulness practices have been around for thousands of years and are the basis of multiple cultures and philosophies, and yet, somehow I got to be 49 years old before ‘mindfulness’ became a word in my vocabulary, or a concept for living well that was within reach for me…one day I will be well and whole enough to contemplate the meaning of my life’s experiences, trauma and all, and have a sense of the value it all has, to who I am in my here and now. For now, I am content with making progress, with learning new practices that bring me more balance than I had before, more peace than I understood I could experience, and the gentle warmth of love and compassion for this amazing vessel I am wrapped in, this loving heart contained within it, and this rich life I am privileged to experience.

I hope your Saturday is a good one, and if it sucks, I hope that has something of value for you as days go by.

Tags , , ,
Categories Healthy Living, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Turning 50, Uncategorized, women

Troubleshooting My Connectivity

March 14, 2013 //
2

“Thank you for calling technical support…”

Today I am contemplating all the times in my life I have endeavored, with limited success, to ‘troubleshoot my connectivity’ in relationships.  This year I finally recognized I was not sufficiently skilled, knowledgeable, or experienced with what makes connecting emotionally with another human being work, to successfully complete troubleshooting my challenges with building healthy relationships.  I certainly didn’t have the right tools to fix glitches, programming errors, or resolve the issues I have regularly found myself facing. This year I ‘called technical support’.

Before I say more about that, I’d like to say something about the way our choices in language, even grammar, can influence our thinking.  Consider the sentence “I learned X about relationship building.” It implies, fairly specifically, that the learning is completed, and in the past, and that something is now known – and tends to limit change and additional growth, by expressing the gained knowledge as a static thing. On the other hand, the sentence “I am learning X about relationship building.” equally clearly implies that learning is ongoing, making it subject to additional potential for change and growth. I rather like change and growth; it is taking me new and wonderful places in life. I am discontinuing the practice of referring to learning in the past tense, since I don’t think I can conclusively show that any one thing I have learned is truly static and unchanging (except, perhaps, Euclidean geometry, but even there – I just don’t know everything!). So, onward to the future, hopefully always learning.

So…I called technical support, metaphorically speaking, and got some help with ‘troubleshooting my connectivity’. I am learning some important things about healthy relationships, and building and sustaining close connected relationships. I am learning:

  • that mindful listening is not about preparing a reply, waiting for my turn to talk, or ‘getting a word in edgewise’. Mindful listening requires my entire devoted attention to the person talking, hearing their words, and giving my attention to understanding their full intended meaning.
  • that hearing words is different than listening, and often results in urgent replies, or interruptions that are not relevant to the key point being communicated. Listening is about meaning, and may require clarifying questions before a response to the communicated points is appropriate. ‘Communication’ is about the meaning, not the words.
  • that when I am immersed in my own emotional experience, and stray from being mindful-in-the-moment, I find it difficult to listen to someone else, to be compassionate, and to connect with them.  (That experience is not about whether or not they – or I – want to connect, but more whether or not we each allow and accept that connection.)
  • that compassionate observation of others’ experiences with connecting with each other is a valuable ‘blackboard’ at the front of the classroom of life, and as with any other classroom, in front of any other teacher, if I am passing notes or daydreaming I may miss something important – and every day of life is a learning experience, but every day is also a pop quiz – being mindful results in a much better experience. 😀

Thursday… and it was a short night, but I woke in a good place in spite of that. I’m feeling a bit under the weather, but my health through the winter has been good, so I guess I’m overdue for a sore throat. lol. It’s hardly worth mentioning, although if I end up quite ill, I probably won’t write for a couple days. It still looks to be a lovely day.

Tags , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Anxiety, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women

Artificial Light and Illumination

March 12, 2013 //
0
Artificial Light and Illumination

Artificial Light and Illumination

I didn’t sleep last night.  Well, to be more accurate, I slept deeply for about 90 minutes, sometime after 3am and woke abruptly to the alarm in the middle of vaguely distressing dreams.  I just wasn’t falling asleep. This time it wasn’t my anxiety; hormones were the cause of my sleepless night. I’m content with at least having been able to rest comfortably much of the night, without stress or anxiety. That’s an improvement, but I’m tired this morning.  I am weary and struggling with the headache that accompanied me to work this morning.  The headache is hormones, probably, although once I am this fatigued I often have a headache, and I guess it doesn’t matter why my head hurts – it is what it is.  Something to be mindful of.

Today will definitely put new mindfulness practices to a test. Damn I don’t feel ready for a test on this subject! Hormones, fatigue, a headache…I feel irritable, run down, and alone in my experience – and I know that last bit is an illusion. Half the world is female. I am so not alone in this. lol.

Life is an amazing teacher. Lately I am paying much closer attention to the lessons. My everyday commitment to being a student of life and love has me contemplating compassion this morning and taking note of how much more difficult it is to feel compassion for an experience we simply don’t or can’t share, perhaps because it is outside our own experience. More than anything when I’m struggling with my hormones, I really want to be comforted, treated gently, and with compassion – or at least sympathy.  It’s surprisingly hard to come by.  Thinking about what I mean when I say these are things I want got me around to the practical bits: hugs, kisses, kind words, sympathetic humor, and consideration above and beyond the everyday…which got me thinking about a younger me, dealing with other women, and what a phenomenally smug and annoying little bitch I must have seemed!  At that time in my life, I just didn’t have the difficulty with PMS and my hormones that I would later in life (and do now).  I was not kind to women who did.  I wasn’t sympathetic.  It wasn’t part of my experience, therefore it likely wasn’t ‘that big a deal’.  How cruel and dismissive. How inconsiderate. How heartlessly rude. Well, I get mine now, Ladies.  Fair is fair.  This week I am studying a lesson on compassion, and learning to be compassionate for experiences I am not yet able to share or identify with, and learning to treat people suffering their own journey and choices with respect and consideration.

Hormones are hard sometimes. My thinking feels foggy and my emotions feel volatile. I feel irritable and reactive, and finding ‘the sweet spot’ in my experience and some balance and contentment is a challenge that actually requires repeated choices to ‘take a moment and just breathe’ to pull myself back to being mindfully in-the-moment.  It does seem to work, in spite of my troubling tendency to take small things personally.  My body feels uncomfortable. My head aches. I feel tired and run down. The physical pieces of the experience I’m having today make the emotional or cognitive pieces feel more difficult. Simple frustrations – like the free pedometer app on my smartphone mysteriously not working this morning – result in a higher than ordinary stress-response.  I have new things to do for that – and each time my frustration level begins to rise, or I start feeling angry or irritated with something specific, I take that moment to get re-centered and just breathe.  I want it to be more helpful that I know the emotions are hormonal, not ‘real’… but I still feel them. I really need hugs, or a back rub, or… intimacy and a feeling of connection.  I need to feel connected more than just about anything right now, and the hormones that make me feel that need so strongly are also why I don’t feel that way in the first place.  It sucks.

It’s only Tuesday – the week stretches ahead of me, as does life.  Hormones change, and change again. Time passes. In a few days this stress and discontent, this fatigue, even the headache, will all be gone and the world will feel new and I’ll laugh this off and feel wonderfully wrapped in the loving connection of home and hearth, of love and Love… but now doesn’t feel very good, in spite of it being quite a decent day.  I’ll be making choices to stay mindful, compassionate, and kind, in spite of my experience. There lies the difference, I think,  between ‘illumination’ and ‘artificial light’… the soft dawn of illumination lights my entire experience as I learn and grow, and the ‘artificial light’ is my gift to myself – my choices to turn away from the darkness, and choose a path with my will as I learn new skills and build healthier practices,  and it is our gift to each other – sharing what we learn along the our journey with other people.  We achieve illumination, perhaps, when those things become who we ‘really are’?

Enjoy Tuesday – it’s the only one this week. 😉

Tags , , , , , ,
Categories Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, women
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »