It’s hard to know with any certainty in advance if a decision is a good one, tending to meet longer term needs over time, or a poor one, tending more to gratify only short-term or immediate needs, if it succeeds in meeting any needs at all. The poorest decisions cause damage. I’m taking this journey one step at a time, one choice, one decision, one moment, each an attempt to make the best of things, to have the broadest perspective, the most honorable motives, the most goodness of heart and benevolent intention. Each day new, and untested. Each dawn another threshold to becoming the woman I most want to be. Each moment a singular precious experience all its own along the entirety of the timeline that is my life.

Last night was lovely. I spent it hanging out with a friend, having conversation, and walking the twilight sidewalks of the Pear District at night. I got us lost – twice – I didn’t care at all; I was having a great time, and all indications suggest he was as well. We talked  – about most everything. I practiced listening well; he clearly didn’t need practice and the conversation was engaging. We walked – miles maybe, distance wasn’t at all relevant, and the evening had the potential to be one of those timeless experiences that lasts to the dawn…only…I had set limits before I even went out that night. The bus only runs so late. New friendship budding, and as eager as I am to explore that and nurture it, I have also learned the value of taking care of me, being patience with known limitations, and issues, being willing to recognize where my weaknesses of character lie. I’ve learned some things about relationships of a variety of sorts, and building intimacy – perhaps the most important of those things is to treat my own heart well, myself. So, caution, patience, and the delight of anticipation and the joy of getting to know someone. How will this unfold?

One hallmark of the lively conversation of the evening was my companion’s occasional enthused outburst that I should “write that down!” I, too, dig the insights and novel perspectives offered by new friendships. Each having our own experience, each adding to the song of the world; like Skittles, every combination is a little bit different.  His words hang in my recollection, more than my own. I made some effort to actually remember specific bon mots, observations, insights, deep moments of dialogue… yeah. Well. I remember something about eye contact being a very direct route to connecting with someone open to it; by daylight that seems rather trite and obvious, although I remember enjoying a lot of eye contact, and the subtleties of nonverbal communication. lol We spoke of connections, and people who connect easily, the value of openness for attracting like-minded friends and associates, the delights of anticipation and of touch…the conversation ranged far and wide, and was lively, fast-paced, and for anyone else – memorable. Then there’s me. lol. I’ll remember pieces of it in incredible detail one moment, but not the next…and thought-provoking observations, and quips are harder to nail down in my memory – I lack the context of the moment. I think I can easily summarize as ‘it was a great night, you had to be there’. 🙂

I got home later than planned, which didn’t really ‘matter’. The night was quiet, still, and clear, and mild enough that the mile walk from the light-rail station home was quite pleasant. My traveling partner phoned me as I neared home and pointed out, in a welcoming voice, “I didn’t know how late it already was…”. We chatted happily, warmly, as I walked; a powerful testimonial to the value of the technology available now, and the value of love. The espresso with my friend, late in the evening, resulted in a serendipitous opportunity to hang out and catch up with my traveling partner, when he arrived home a few minutes after I did; I sure wasn’t sleepy yet. In the wake of the excitement of the evening, on top of the excitement of hanging out with my love, I totally and rather rudely overlooked letting my companion of the evening know I had arrived home safely. O_0

I woke earlier than I really wanted to be up; someone up ahead of me, and getting laundry started, and doing this and that in the kitchen was enough to wake me. Very few people make the moment to moment effort needed to truly handle cupboards, doors, and drawers quietly, and it does take a very specific effort. (I learned it living with domestic violence – when the only safe opportunity to get out still requires one to access a cupboard or open a door that may creak or squeak, it doesn’t take long to learn to do it quietly, very quietly.) My noise sensitivity regularly collides with the general lack of attention most people place on how much noise a cupboard door actually makes if it is just allowed to bang closed. I used the opportunity to meditate, and started my morning content, balanced, and filled with the joy of a new day…much of which I spent wracking my brain trying to recall just what it was I had said during the evening that resulted in that eager demand to “write that down!”. The way I see it, if he wants to hear more we’ll have to hang out again sometime. 🙂

It’s already evening again. A quiet Saturday night, and I’ll probably be watching cartoons and writing poetry, sorting unsorted images, updating the meta data on the archive photos of my art work… but mostly watching cartoons and practicing new skills. It’s a lovely night to take care of me, to be gentle with my own heart, to enjoy the qualities I bring to life and the world. It’s a lovely evening to enjoy each moment with contentment, and satisfaction, and a smile – because there’s still so much more.

So many potential experiences to enjoy, so many choices to make; in a moment of stillness we see things in a new light.