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In The Wee Hours

November 26, 2019 //
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I woke about an hour ago. It’s a bit past 3:00 a.m. now. Little point in attempting to return to sleep. No idea what actually woke me. For now, I’m dealing with this sinus headache, but, and this is just real, I’m almost delighted that I can, mostly, just breathe. The vertigo, which I think may be a result of sleeping with my neck at an odd angle, combined with this head cold, is a cruel new addition, and I’m already “over it” (meaning to say, I’d very much like to be done with this whole mess, now, please…).

I worked yesterday, from home, and wrapped up the day about 2 hours early, compared to a typical Monday. I honestly wasn’t good for much. Today, either, potentially, but I am feeling “up to it”, and no coughing or sneezing, so far, and able to breathe (mostly)… I may go into the office today. I sit here sipping icy cold grapefruit fizzy water, wondering if I really will. The advantage is small; I have more monitor “real estate” there, and this allows me to work somewhat faster, with more things open and easy to see. That’s it. The disadvantage? If I am still contagious, I get everyone on my team sick (small office space), and potentially also everyone I talk to. That’s a dick move. I resolve to stay home if I start sneezing or coughing, and decide that if I do go in, I’ll go quite early, and overlap with folks for a much shorter period of time, keeping my hands washed, and wearing a mask. If nothing else, the mask itself will discourage conversation, and reduce risk further.

…I’ll probably work half a day, get the essentials done, take advantage of the efficiency of the big monitors, and cancel live calls/meetings that involve face-to-face participation.

My coffee is very good this morning. I feel content and alert in spite of the ridiculous hour. My body feels mostly pretty comfortable, very little pain. The discomfort I do feel is largely to do with this cold, and I’m clearly getting over that. I find that to be very good news – honestly, I have shit to get done. Not being up to doing things sucks. I keep sipping this coffee, between physical therapy exercises, and wait for this vertigo to clear up; if it doesn’t, I’ll stay home. Driving to the office in the dark, in the rain, and also with vertigo? That just sounds fairly stupid.

Back and forth… water… coffee… work from home? Go to the office? More water. Another sip of coffee. How do I best take care of this fragile vessel? Water. Chicken broth. Tea. Sleep. More sleep. More water. Limited use of cold care remedies, and only those that are definitely effective, and don’t mess with my head. More sleep. More water. More broth. Food when I can eat. I don’t know what works for you – do that, though, I suppose. I do this. 🙂 I’d been going through a record-breaking number of Kleenex’s there for a day or two, but this box next to me has been open now for more than 12 hours, and it’s still half full. Progress.

…Oh, damn, do I enjoy being able to breathe? Oh, yes, yes, I do – so very much. 🙂 It’s nice having that back.

I find myself looking forward to the cold autumn air and the rain fresh breeze, when I step outside, into the pre-dawn darkness of morning. The house is comfortably warm, but not hot. I feel a bit overdressed for the indoor temperature, and remind myself that my coat is in the bedroom closet, my partner still sleeping. Going to work without my coat, in this weather, in this health, seems fairly dumb; I’ll have to go get it, probably waking my partner. :-\ It is what it is. I remind myself he would comfortable do so, himself, were the situation such that he needed a clothing item from the bedroom, while I am sleeping. lol No coat = no commute. 🙂 That’s some solid self-care decision-making right there. 🙂

I look at the time. It’s very early, not quite 4:00 a.m., but getting that kind of head start on the day will be a huge win for reducing exposure to any lingering contagion, so… I guess it’s time to begin again. 😀

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, health, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

No Cool Title, Just Shiny Boots

November 20, 2019 //
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The alarm was harsh in my ears. I was facing away from it as I slept, but didn’t understand that for some seconds as I flailed around seeking it with my hand. Now mostly dressed, coffee made, I’m still rubbing the sleep from my eyes and trying to shake off this fog in my head. Slow start to the morning.

Lovely evening behind me. We went out for dinner. Came home and relaxed. My Traveling Partner shined a different pair of my boots, as I watched. He’s skillful. Works with care. We talk about boots. Life. Shopping. It’s a gentle evening, and by bedtime – shiny boots. 😀 I pulled them on this morning with great delight. They are a shiny wonder, and there is immense joy and love in making them so. I definitely feel loved. 😀

There’s got to be a metaphor here… my reflection… my partner’s love and effort creating the mirror. 🙂

Less important, but no less remarkable… I saw an ex yesterday. They did not see me, so it seems. Seeing them, at my workplace, would have been a meltdown moment, perhaps as recently even as last year. This occasion? Unimportant except for one, very specific thing; the fact that it wasn’t important is so important. Wow. Hell of a “report card” there. 😀 No panic attack. No hysterics. No running and hiding. No lingering storm of terrible emotion. No aftermath of endless tears. No feeling like I was drowning. Just… a woman noticing that someone she has no interest in seeing or associating with passing through shared space, unaware of her presence. I let it go, and got back to work.

Strange juxtaposition of experiences. Thought-provoking. I’ll save further reflection for another time. I see by the clock on the computer that it is already time to begin again. This new day won’t live itself. 😉

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Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

Sleep, Love, Write

November 18, 2019 //
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Time doesn’t wait on us to set our priorities. Reality does not take a compassionate approach toward whether or not we have a realistic perspective on our choices, timing, or whether our opinions are tied to real life. We do get to choose, though, we get to choose so much! There’s a lot of promise in that. 🙂

This weekend I chose sleep, and I chose Love, and I mostly did not choose writing. lol Sometimes it’s hard to fit all of the things into a single short period of time. 🙂 It was a lovely weekend. For the moment, I don’t at all recall what we did with it… just joyful snapshots: a breakfast out, a dinner at home, shared satisfaction tidying up this-n-that together, love, affection, and connection… certainly it’s enough. 🙂

Now I’ve got my stuff ready for the new work week. I’m dressed for it. Sipping coffee. Waking up. Nothing much on my mind. My neck, for the time being, doesn’t hurt. I pause to really notice and even celebrate that; doing so builds an adjusted implicit awareness that makes room for the recollection that I am not literally always in pain – that’s unhealthy hyperbole. I sit appreciating the pain I don’t have… or… I mean to say, that I don’t have it. 🙂 It’s a good starting point to the day, and the week.

…How is it already time to begin again? 😀

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Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

Waking Up Gently

November 9, 2019 //
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It wasn’t especially late when I went to bed last night. It’s just me, here, for now, so the temptations to stay awake past that point at which I am sleepy and it feels like “bed time” are very few. I sometimes read for a few minutes before sleep begins to overtake me; it wasn’t necessary last night. I slept 8 hours, almost uninterrupted, and waking only once. I woke rested, waking almost completely before I noticed I had made the transition from dreaming to… noticing that I was awake, with my eyes open, in the darkness. It’s not yet dawn, and that doesn’t distress me, at all. It’s a Saturday, and the day is mine. 🙂

My coffee tastes good. I still smell a hint of my Traveling Partner’s cologne from sleeping next to a t-shirt he’d worn before he left on business. It’s a shameless, guiltless, joyful admission; I miss him, and the scent of his cologne delights me, and keeps me mellow in his absence. lol

It’s an easy morning, so far. My knees ache from yesterday’s endeavors, although it isn’t about an injury or any sort of crazy activity; I’m breaking in new boots. The ache in my knees this morning hints that I may need to have my hiking books re-soled. Taking a look, I can see how much less straight my gait must be in my well-worn hiking boots, versus the new dress boots. Something to be aware of. I have two pairs of the same Vasque hiking boots – identical other than the color of the trim. They fit my feet incredibly well, and both pairs have had at least one re-soling, I like them that much. I sip my coffee and think about the day ahead… it seems likely that I’ll decide on what to wear from the footwear up… lol What will be least painful for the day? It’s not a bad decision-making framework, even in general, right? “What will be least painful?” is good for decision-making, right?

…Hmmm… I feel myself reject that thinking with unexpected firmness, less because “What will be least painful?” is a terrible way to make decisions (I think it’s probably a safe direction to go on life’s path, more often than not…), but more because making all of the decisions in the context of thresholds, matrices, frameworks, rules, and all sorts of other rigid “help me avoid being responsible for my decision”sorts of decision-making tools are a less than ideal way to be present, to be in the moment, or to really live my life. Those sorts of approaches are useful as tools, in a limited number of circumstances, but perhaps it’s generally better to be awake, alive, and accountable – wholly authentic about the questions, the choices, the uncertainties, and really truly “right there living it”?

I don’t know. I’m nothing like a “perfect person”. Not even close. I’m just one human being doing my best – and I have, myself, found as many failures in my decision-making on auto-pilot as I have embracing change and willful choices. Adulting is hard. Decision-making isn’t effortless, and formulas sometimes don’t work the way I would like them to. So. Hiking boots and jeans today, because my knee aches – even if it is worn boots that may have set me up for this painful experience? Or new boots and tired aching feet, because breaking in boots takes time, and isn’t always a comfortable experience, but hey, it corrects my gait because the soles are not worn down…?

…Fuck it. I’m barefooted. LOL 😀

What I’m pointing out, I guess, is that dichotomies are fairly rare… and false dichotomies are crazy common. There are often far more different choices available to our decision-making process than we consider. It’s a little weird, but  human primates seem to prefer to narrow things down to just two choices. It’s not even “easier” when we do, but there we are; two choices. Either/or. Yes/no. True/False. Democrat/Republican. Poor/Rich. It’s seriously weird when I pause to just look at those handful of apparent dichotomies; even “true/false” isn’t really “real”. There’s a lot of room between those, other options to consider – life is more nuanced than a  dichotomy suggests. Get used to it. Make room for depth. Take it as an opportunity, instead of fighting it. Be more than a yes or no. 🙂

…How often have I frustrated my partner(s) – or failed a test – out of discomfort with answering a “yes or no question” with a yes, or a no, because it all just seems vastly more nuanced than that to me? Is that a reflection of my injury…? I pause a moment to wonder, before letting my mind move on.

I sit sipping coffee, listening to the rain fall. It’s not actually raining. I just enjoy the sound of falling rain, and have a video on in the background, for the sound of it. It’s one of those sloppy, wintry, rain storms that sounds like icy puddles and unexpectedly slick sidewalks. Soothing – and a reminder of how grateful I am to be safe, warm, and dry. The comfort of the warm mug in my hand, and of this space that surrounds me, is more than pleasant – it’s “home”. I smile and think of my Traveling Partner, starting his day in a hotel room, in a strange city… I miss him. I miss coffee together on a Saturday morning. I’m also greatly enjoying the solo time. There’s a balance to it; I miss him deeply in the same breath that I am greatly appreciative to have this time for myself. No guilt or shame or awkwardness; this is part of who I am.

…I still miss him. I’m looking forward to his homecoming – and not just because we’ll enjoy watching Rick & Morty’s Season 4 opener, either. But… yeah… also for that. LOL I smile and have another sip of my coffee. I settle on a plan for the day that includes some housekeeping stuff on my to do list, and also a trip out to a bigger retail space to continue the hunt for a blazer that fits me sufficiently well to be worth buying. Yesterday, I found a lovely warm winter coat at a great price (just being real; I’m not made out of money, and I try my best to be wise with purchases), and it definitely feels like it will be a winter that requires a coat. I sigh out loud in this quiet room – loud enough to hear myself over the rain. Contented. Feeling loved from afar. Okay with the day. Comfortable in my skin.

…It feels like time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, winter

It’s Like an Occupation Up In Here

November 1, 2019 //
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One thing I routinely find myself struggling with (and I use the word “struggling” very specifically, aware that there is definitely a better way, and other practices), and struggling rather unsuccessfully, is getting enough “cognitive space” and cognitive rest to really be rested, and really get what I need out of my own mental bandwidth. It’s hard. All day, when I’m at work, continuous input, stimulation, and other human voices. Then, at home, my only opportunities to connect and be close with my partner have to come out of whatever time is also left for me to care for myself, to take care of hearth and home, and finally, if I’ve left myself anything at all – time to simply be. To reflect, and to meditate. I too often find myself either left without adequate clarity of thought; distracted from my own by the world, or those dear to me, or commonplace noise… and distracted from those distractions by my own persistent attempts to read what interests me, or sit with my thoughts, or plan, or consider the future… and, those attempts are distracted by all the things that preceded them… and around and around, until I am dizzy and short-tempered, and unable to form correct sentences, or really understand what I’m hearing…

…It is 100% a crappy experience, and deeply fatiguing. People end up becoming impatient with me, and by that point, I already can’t adequately explain myself, through my frustration, and theirs.

I’m not particularly skilled at dealing with this. There are no pleasant ways to say “not now, I need to be there for me, myself, right now, and this is too much” without somehow communicating rejection. It’s hard to tell someone I care about, who is super excited about what is going on in their experience, that I need to also enjoy my own, for me, and that I’m running out of room to do that, somehow. It’s boundary-setting I need to do for myself… and I’m honestly fairly terrible at it, generally not wanting to be “a buzzkill” or seem disinterested… I do my best, whatever that is, in the moment, and it often feels inadequate; everyone wants to be heard. I even know this. I just don’t know how to definitely be fully present and 100% engaged with someone else, when I also need to ensure I am doing the same for me.

I’m sitting here frustrated and angry with myself. I’m still a bit ill, which isn’t helping. I isolated myself rather than continue to piss off someone who matters to me so much, but… I seem unable to put the time to any better use than this; bitching about my frustration that I am so challenged by this particular puzzle. How do I both be fully present for everyone else, all the time, and also do so for myself? How does this work? When is “my time” for me? And I’m not asking that rhetorically to drive an emotional point, or express resentment – this is a sincere and gently intended question – when is that time?

I haven’t been sleeping deeply for quite a long time. Even when my sleep tracker tells me I am getting enough hours of sleep, very little of it is deep sleep, almost none of it is continuous. I am mostly getting interrupted light sleep. How do I treat myself better? Would I be having the same frustrations in ordinary interactions with other people, if I were sleeping better? What does that take? Why am I having these challenges?

I know it isn’t helping that I’ve been taking OTC symptom relievers for this cold. I foolishly let my partner talk me into taking Sudafed yesterday, too. Experience tells me that some of my experience right now, emotionally, is likely an unwelcome after-effect of yesterday’s cold medications. Why isn’t it easier to hold that thought in my real-time consciousness when I am interacting with other people?

More questions than answers tonight. I feel the tears that want so much to fall. I refuse to accommodate them out of self-directed pique, maybe a bit of personal spite with myself. I hear my partner put on music he knows is “everything to me”… I find myself wondering what he means by it, and whether he understands this music the way I do. Probably not; we’re each having our own experience. How human. Still… I assume positive intent. I know he loves me. If nothing else, it’s a gesture, a hand extended across a divide. A moment of shared experience. A chance to begin again, together.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, forgiveness, Free Will, Frustration, health, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Big 5
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