Archives for posts with tag: breathe

Routine and Ordinary

October 15, 2019 //

So far today is off to an entirely routine and ordinary start. I’m okay with that. I woke to the alarm (even still a bit groggy, and my dreams still linger in my memory), showered, dressed, made coffee. Here I am, now, sipping coffee, writing. A few minutes further on, and I’ll be headed to the office, after locking up the house. Very routine. Very ordinary.

My coffee is good this morning. I make appreciating it an explicit moment of delight, and I savor it. (Both the coffee, and the delight.) I make time to observe that I’m not in much pain this morning, and that my range of motion, and freedom of movement seem pretty good. I make a point of appreciating that, too. (No point in starting the morning bitching about the ordinary-ness of pain or of arthritis.) I turn stray moments of potentially bitching about the uncontrollable or everyday into moments of authentic gratitude; hard to be pissed off while also feeling grateful, and truly, most things I could find to bitch about could be far worse than they are. 🙂

My Traveling Partner returns home Friday. I’m eager to see him. This lovely bit of solo time has been enjoyable, and I’m ready to be over missing my partner. lol I feel excited about it, as if there is “much to discuss”, but I don’t honestly have more to say than “welcome home” and “I love you”. 🙂

Time keeps passing. Season 4 of Rick & Morty starts next month – almost here! Autumn has come, and the leaves are colorful – and falling. There are a multitude of small events, mileposts on life’s journey, that mark my path. Right now, the one I am most focused on is the return of my Traveling Partner. 😀 I find myself wondering if I should prepare in some explicit way… stock up on groceries so we don’t have to go anywhere over the weekend, maybe? I don’t know. It’s likely enough to be here, welcoming him home. Enough to have this lovely home to offer. Enough to be present, authentic, and genuinely loving. Only 4 work shifts between now, and his return, too… 3 nights… I mean, I’m not counting down the hours, exactly… but… about 90? Hours, I mean. lol

I take a deep breath, relax, exhale, and let go of any expectations I may be developing, any assumptions about his homecoming I may be inclined to make, in favor of being here, now. It’s a better choice. 😀 I sip my coffee, smiling. It’ll be nice to have my partner home again.

I sip my coffee, thinking about autumn. Thinking about the upcoming holiday season. Smiling. It’s enough, isn’t it, to feel suffused with joy and contentment? I think so. Finding further point to mere existence from this vantage point of contentment and gratitude and joy, seems a waste of effort. It’s that much of “enough”, as it is, and already a lovely starting point for beginning again. I sip my coffee, and finish the last bit of it more as a gulp, unintended, than as a careful swallow. Here’s hoping for a day of “effortless effort” and ease in the work day, and an evening of contentment. 😀 One day closer to the milestone directly ahead on the path, but I know there’s another beyond that, and another, and another still… each a chance to move forward, to grow, to live more fully, and begin again. 😀

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose love, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, how to love, I am my own cartographer, love matters most, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

Bitter Coffee, Better Rest

October 13, 2019 //

There’s no actual connection between this morning’s rather bitter cup of coffee and the much improved rest I’ve been getting. The coffee, likely bitter because the water was still hotter than ideal when I made it, is a simple, practical failure of process. I’ll still drink it. It’s still coffee. The improved rest? A by product of circumstance and self-care; I took a few days off, which I am still enjoying, and I turned off my alarm clock. I sleep when I like, as long as I like, until I wake naturally. The first night, there was no significant change in my sleep. Since then, I’ve been sleeping long enough hours to fully benefit from the (still) lighter sleep I’ve been getting.

Recognizing that the rest I’ve been needing is only partially about sleep, and definitely also about “cognitive fatigue”, I’ve spent hours relaxed, sitting quietly, meditating, watching the autumn leaves fall, watching rain storms pass by, watching squirrels come for a bite to eat at my deck garden. What I have not been doing is watching a ton of video content, or even reading books for hours. Most of my time is spent entirely quietly and at ease, listening to myself think. lol

A few quiet moments all for me. 🙂

Taking this time for myself has been so worth it. Could I have spent it “more productively”? Sure, but what would I be good for if I had not taken this time for myself? As it is, I still get things done… dishes get done… trash goes out… laundry gets folded and put away… the routine matters of caring for home and hearth are handled. The rest of the time is mine to do with as I please… or do nothing that appears to be anything at all. lol I choose the doing nothing, at least this weekend, this time; it’s what I need to restore my wellness right now. 🙂 No one to talk to? Yep, and that’s precisely okay. 😉

…I do miss my Traveling Partner. The fact that he is away for days and days does have lonely moments. On the other hand, I adore him so terrifically, that when he is here at home with me, I sometimes lose myself in the day-to-day pleasures of his company, and forget entirely about getting enough rest – or getting anything done. LOL It’s a puzzle. I am so grateful to love and be loved in return. I am more grateful still that his love is so deep and enduring that even my silences and solitudes can be included within his affection for me, and not perceived as any loss of affection for him. 😀

This is such a terrible cup of coffee, right here. LOL It is, however, a good life, and one terrible cup of coffee among so many isn’t worth being a source of torment or discontent. A lot of things work that way; terrible in some moment, but considered in context, not that big a deal. I find it helpful to let small things stay small. I take a glance around the room as I finish my coffee. Sleeping in was lovely, and I also have tomorrow off… on the other hand, Sunday is also my “regular day” for weekly chores, and general housekeeping, and I’m inclined to begin returning to routine matters (I feel that much more rested, that I keep finding myself un-anchored from what day it is, and have to keep checking – it’s feels so much longer a time than a couple of days, now. lol)

Sundays are a good day for new beginnings, and fresh starts. 🙂

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, MBSR, meditation, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Allegories, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, The Art of Being

I Had a Cooler Title for This…

October 9, 2019 //

I had reached literal weeks of short nights, busy days, crowded thoughts… waking too groggy to write, crashing out at the end of each day hoping to sleep through to morning… but… not. Every conversation was seeming to interrupt a thought, or cause me to feel as if I had just then forgotten something I needed to remember. My “brain buffer” was full to over-flowing, but I wasn’t getting the rest I needed to properly push new information into long-term memory. I felt chronically foggy, and perpetually frustrated, unable to “hear my own thoughts”. Days slipped by, and I wasn’t even thinking about writing… I definitely wasn’t sitting down to do it, regularly. Even personal correspondence stalled.

The morning my Traveling Partner got ready to go to the airport (was that yesterday?), he observed with a questioning tone, “you haven’t been writing in your blog…?” I had an awareness he was correct, but a lack of perspective on how long it had been… nearly a week. Wow. Rare. I mumbled something to myself about fatigue and made an empty promise about doing…something. I grabbed another hour of sleep after he left… after I stood in the kitchen window, bare feet cold on the kitchen floor, watching as the car service pulled out of the driveway. I woke still so groggy. Unrested. I careened around the house for some minutes, getting dressed, getting my backpack ready for the day, finding my car keys (mysteriously on the hook next to the hook I usually put them on, a search that should not have required 10 minutes of my time). I went to work.

I was so stupid with exhaustion that I was not particularly effective. I got done what urgently had to be done, and I went home. To sleep? I hoped… to rest, at least.

…The house was so… empty. I’ve grown quite accustomed to the delight of my Love being present every day. Hugs, kisses, jokes… things getting done, even when I’m not at home. Sex. Warmth. Intimacy. Shared joy. Shared effort. A shared journey. I looked around, disoriented by fatigue. I already didn’t recall the drive home, at all. So tired. I “sat down for a minute” on the couch and answered a text from my Traveling Partner. I took a breath, exhaled, relaxed… and flipped on YouTube, and put on a sort of random video playlist of favorite content creators’ latest stuff…

…I woke to the sound of my partner’s voice, and tried earnestly to reply – I was unable to do so, which is what woke me, that and the recognition that I was hearing, not his voice, just the phone ringing – but he was calling, and I smiled as I answered the phone. A few minutes of conversation, and connection, and then… no idea. I may have watched a couple more videos. I woke later, from napping, and went to bed. So many hours later, and finally I wake to the alarm (which I’m doubly glad I set, yesterday), although I woke from dreaming that I had already awakened ahead of the alarm. lol.

I shower, dress, and make coffee, smiling. I feel rested. I feel as though I can assemble thoughts into sentences and possibly communicate with others clearly and sound, you know, fairly rational. 🙂 I glance around the room and beyond the open studio door – plenty to do. I feel rested enough to tackle it. I didn’t stumble or wander into the wall even once this morning, and my eye-balls don’t feel like I’ve recently tried to splash sand into them. I feel rested. Pleasant. 😀

Sooo…. yeah. I’m fine. I am regretful of any worry I may have caused you. I’m not “gone”, or suddenly silenced by some grim pit of despair. I was only unable to overcome the ennui of being deeply fatigued, and needed to yield to the necessity of taking care of this fragile vessel. 🙂

…Now it’s time to begin again. 😉

Tags be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, exhaustion, experience, good self-care, mindful living, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

All Sorts of Weird

October 2, 2019 //

I’m barely awake. I didn’t sleep particularly well, and woke in the middle of the dream when the alarm went off. The work day is ahead of me. My coffee tastes… flat. The morning feels… “too early”. S’ok. It’s another new day, entirely, and I’m pretty glad yesterday is over – no fault of the day. Yesterday was fine. Lovely, actually, right up until my guts betrayed me entirely, later in the day, and I had to go home, because I just didn’t have a change of clothes, and unexpectedly needed one. 0_o Being human has some gross moments.

…Still…aside from that? Yesterday was a great day. Pleasant, productive, and generally comfortable.

The evening was spent in quiet intimacy. I wasn’t up to anything more strenuous than television, and we relaxed in each other’s good company, being entertained by streaming content. Doesn’t matter at all what we were watching, really, the point of the shared good time had nothing much to do with that. 🙂

It’s a whole new day stretching ahead of me. I find myself wondering if I should keep a spare set of clothes in the office for “inconveniences”. It would not be out of character to at least have clean dry socks tucked into a desk drawer. lol Wet feet suck, and the solution (clean dry socks) is way too easy and compact to be unprepared – I walk a lot… although, writing those words reminds me I walk less lately than I would enjoy. Even there, the solution is obvious – and easy. It’s just a choice. 🙂

Hmm… choices. I sit sipping coffee, contemplating choices… and the nature of decision-making. We’re such complicated creatures in some ways. I yawn, interrupting my own thought, and check the time… damn it. Already time to begin again. 😉

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being

Another New Beginning

September 30, 2019 //

Isn’t life like that? Endless beginnings… which also means, endless endings. Focus on the endings and life can feel pretty bleak, frustrating, more than a bit of a let down, perhaps. Focus on the beginnings… ? Maybe focus on the journey, itself, present for each moment. 🙂

Here it is a Monday. The days are already shorter than 12 hours. The sun rise will occur some moments past 7 a.m., this morning. The sky is dark; I get up quite a bit ahead of the dawn, now. I’m okay with that, it’s just that it feels, subjectively as if I have more time than I do – now there’s a life metaphor, and a half. lol It pretty much always feels like I have more time than I do. We are mortal creatures, and our time is short.

I shrug it off, sip my coffee, and let my thoughts move on. My recollection of the weekend is a thoroughly pleasant one, although certainly life and love have both deliciously sweet and unpalatably unpleasant moments. It was a good weekend, in a good life. 🙂 Autumn has obviously come, with chill weather a bit “ahead of schedule” and serious thunderstorms that definitely sell the climate change warning; we never used to have such thunderstorms (any, really) in the area I live in. I wonder what becomes of the world, if we continue to abuse our planet? I sigh heavily in the quiet room, sip my coffee, and let that go, too.

I check the time; it’s already time to get my things together for the commute ahead of me. It is already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, love and lovers, MBSR, meditation, mindful loving, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Routine and Ordinary

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Bitter Coffee, Better Rest

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I Had a Cooler Title for This…

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All Sorts of Weird

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Another New Beginning

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