Sometimes we get lucky. It’s that simple. This morning I was tremendously fortunate. Lucky. Circumstances were in my favor. I’m sitting with my gratitude, because it could have gone quite differently.
The unseen pickup truck that pulled out from a side street, speeding to cross the busy state highway during a rainy morning rush hour was close – so close. I had only seconds of reaction time, not enough for actual decision making, and barely enough to respond. I took my foot off the gas pedal, swerved right, around and behind the truck, into the street he turned out from, his lights off in the darkness, and then I turned back onto the highway on the other side as he pulled away. It was one smooth motion, no harm done, although I was startled and briefly angry with the other driver’s poor decision making on a rainy morning. No commute is worth dying for.
I drove on to the trailhead as the rain beat down on the car, and the traffic churned up the water on the road into a fine dense mist. I could have been terribly injured or worse this morning. I wasn’t. I breathe, exhale, and relax. I’m grateful for my good fortune. I reflect on my good fortune as I lace up my boots. The rain has slowed to a drizzle and although it’s wet and dark, I’ll manage to get a walk before work. Truly, I am fortunate.
I breathe the rain-fresh autumn air and smile, as I step onto the trail. I am grateful for the new day, and the chance to begin again.
Good thing I have my commute memorized. lol The Monday after DST begins is hard. I didn’t oversleep, but my silent alarm had the lights at full brightness before they woke me, or even disturbed my rest at all. I woke groggy and stupid, clumsy and disorganized, but still managed to dress, still remembered to grab my lunch from the fridge, still thought to get gas before I left town. I joined a ridiculous queue of Monday morning commuters, a lot more traffic than usual (some mix of folks heading out late, and others leaving early, on top of the “regulars” who depart more or less when I do). The drivers were a mix of groggy, stupid, and irritable, but traffic moved along pretty efficiently, and although it was a bit slower than usual getting into the city, I am grateful that I arrived safely – particularly after passing a really nasty traffic accident blocking one of the more complex intersections as I entered the city (looked like 3-4 cars, and not just a “fender bender” – there were cops and emergency vehicles pretty much blocking all but one lane, and that one was mildly obstructed, too).
I got to the office, made coffee, and got the day started, and I find myself grateful for routines and habits built over time that can carry me efficiently through the first couple hours of my day when I’m so groggy and stupid. I get things sorted out for what looks likely to be a routine and very commonplace Monday, and then take a minute for myself, and this cup of coffee.
…My coffee had already gone cold, so I get up and pour the whole thing over a glass full of ice…
The weekend was a lovely one, relaxed and easy, spent in the good company of my Traveling Partner. I got out into the garden a bit, even picked out a couple modestly-sized roses to plant with the memory of my dear friend who recently passed in mind. It delights me to celebrate her life, and our many years of shared friendship, and brings me a great deal of contentment and comfort to do it in this lasting way. I planted some flowers (seeds) here and there. I checked in with the neighbor who does some of the yard care (for many of us in this community) to see what his plan is this year, and coordinated some details. I got in a couple good hikes, did some housekeeping, ran some errands. It was a fairly ordinary weekend in my wee suburban paradise. I feel rested and contented, and the smile on my face lingers from the pleasant days spent with my Traveling Partner. So much joy and love. I sit awhile just enjoying the recollection.
A new addition to an old collection.
One of my errands took me to a local thrift shop, and although I was looking for something else entirely, I strolled past the cups and saucers (I always do), and I spotted a lovely cup and saucer that is a good fit for my collection! It’s been a long time since I added anything new (about… 8 years?), and I was excited to see that the manufacturer’s mark is an authentic one. I still need to take time to identify the pattern by name & number, and determine the likely age of the piece – all part of the fun (for me). In the meantime, it sits on my mantlepiece where I can quickly pick it up, examine a detail, and, you know, maybe enjoy a cup of tea in it. 😀
It’s been a wonderful weekend. I sit and enjoy that thought awhile longer. Soon enough it’ll be time to begin again. 🙂
I’m packed, except for the laptop. The car is loaded, except for the laptop, and my handbag. Phone is charged. Charging brick is charged (I find it better for “topping off” the phone than the car’s USB port, and I can slip it in a pocket). I feel ready to hit the road, ready to head home. I’ll have a bite of breakfast and a cup of coffee in the hotel breakfast bar, and getting going shortly after, which should put the entire drive in daylight. If all goes to plan (though it rarely does), I should be home before 16:00, and get to enjoy dinner with my Traveling Partner, without hurrying or creating unnecessary stress for myself. 😀
…Funny, the trip down was sunny and mild. The days here were mostly also sunny and mild, with some brief rain showers and coastal fog yesterday. Today? The air is damp, it rained during the night, and the car is icy. The morning air is quite cold. I’ve used up the in-room coffee, and forgotten to ask for more. Definitely time to go home. lol
What a pleasant visit, in spite of the trying circumstances. No one wants to say final goodbyes to cherished friends, but if I’d had to script it, it may very well have gone something like this, and I feel so incredibly fortunate to have had the chance to enjoy my dear friend’s lucid companionship and humor once again. I got pretty lucky. My dear friend was often awake and aware, while I visited. We enjoyed lively conversation, some of it quite deep. I was thoroughly welcomed by her family, gathered to care for her, and make decisions. The only better outcome would likely involve modifications to how mortality works, and some kind of extension of our all too brief human lives, or perhaps some more robust mortal vessel than those we’ve got. Not this year, I guess.
So, I give the room a last look around to avoid forgetting anything. I’m definitely ready for coffee. I guess I’m also ready to begin again.
I ran a couple errands yesterday, and in spite of my relatively crappy mood, I had a pretty good time getting shit done. The day proceeded nicely from there. My mood improved over the course of the day, and the evening was a pleasant one spent watching a movie with my Traveling Partner. Win! 😀 Road conditions seemed much improved, and I decided (last night) to go ahead and go into the office (this morning).
…I reminded myself that Mother Nature does not fuck around, and Winter weather is no joke, and to be prepared and not be complacent about the road conditions in other places than where I’d been driving the day before. I planned ahead, made sure my cane was in the car, made sure my gas tank was already full, and double-checked the reported condition of the road and took a look at some of the highway cams closer to the city. Everything seemed to check out this morning, so I got into my car and hit the road heading to the office, giving both me and my Traveling Partner a bit of a break from each other after a couple days cooped up together continuously.
Winter being… Winter. Is it a park or an unexpected ice-skating rink? LOL
The drive in was fine. I knew I’d been wise to be cautious when I got near the “top of the hill” on my way in, though; all the signal lights were out, and the temperature had dropped from 38 degrees at home to 31 degrees as I neared the “peak elevation” (only about 400 ft higher than where I started my commute). I drove a couple miles of icy highway through an obvious power outage before dropping back down to a lower elevation as I approached the city. It didn’t really warm up at all – Portland is adjacent to the Columbia River and the cold air of the gorge often flows into the city and keeps it colder than surrounding areas. The streets were quite a bit icier than anywhere else I’d driven so far. I drove with care, and I’ve got AWD and good all-terrain/all-weather tires that are in good condition. I didn’t have any difficulties, and never lost traction. All good so far.
…Parking was complicated. The street in front of the office appeared to be more or less a continuation of the sprawling sheet of ice that is the park across the street. A thick, very firmly frozen coating of ice covered the entire block. It wasn’t possible to access the indoor parking; there was ice piled pretty thick across the entrance, making it impractical to trip the sensor to open the gate at all. Street parking, then. Well, sure, but there’s literally ice everywhere on this block… LOL Nonetheless, I managed it. The bigger challenge was getting from the car, across the street, and into the building! The thick hard glossy ice was also covered with a very thin layer of… melt water. Omfg. Super slippery. I should have thought to put on my Yaktrax, but literally did not think to locate them and put them within easy reach. (Stupid eventually finds us all, if only for a moment now and then.) I was grateful to have remembered my cane. Using my cane and being quite careful, I managed to cross the street without slipping or falling. Another win! 😀
…From here, I guess it’s an ordinary day. I mean, honestly, wasn’t it already? Just an ordinary Winter work day? I sip my coffee and think affectionate thoughts at my Traveling Partner, and hope that he’s getting the rest he needs without hearing my fingers clattering away on the keyboard while he tries to sleep. I make a bowl of instant grits, and enjoy the warmth of a nostalgic breakfast. My coffee goes cold before I can enjoy it fully; the office is chilly after so many icy days (and so many vast expanses of windows). I check the thermostat and bump the heat up a bit to take the chill off, and put a fleece on over my sweater, on my way to reheat my coffee in the microwave. I smile and take a minute for gratitude… I’ve got power, light, internet access, coffee, a hot breakfast… I’m fortunate. It’s Winter. Winter has killed uncountable human beings since the dawn of humankind, and continues to kill human beings to this day. I’m fortunate, indeed.
I’m drinking strawberry infused water. It is cold – so cold – and vaguely sweet without being sticky. I find myself wondering why this hasn’t been “a thing” for far longer in my life? It’s pleasant, without being heavy, and I am enjoying (rather a lot) that it does not include any cucumber. Don’t get me wrong, I like cucumber just fine. Big fan of pickles, too. It’s just that, subjectively, I find the flavor of cucumber in water to be rather remarkably like very refreshing garden soil. Not really a flavor I’m seeking out by preference. lol
Now and then, on a break, or between tasks, I peek at Google Maps to see how far along his planned route my Traveling Partner has gotten. I smile every time; it feels like a connection. I already miss him, even though, on any given ordinary week day, we are not sharing this time, any way. I just know he won’t be there at the house, when I return home. I ache with the weight of yearning for his company, at the same time I eagerly look forward to cherished stillness. The feelings compete for my attention. I don’t make any effort to dismiss either one, or to diminish them, or to attempt to rationalize how one is more “right” or “true” than the other; they both exist in my experience of self, quite comfortably side by side. They are both true of who I am; I miss my partner when he is away, and I enjoy the luxury of the solitude when he is gone. My emotions are not my enemy, and I am not in any way less mentally capable for having the feelings I do. 🙂
…Still… I’m distracted. I’m thinking of him. Thinking of love. Thinking of the practicalities of life, at home, and in the world. I am waiting – for his return, for the quiet of a few solitary evenings at home, for the fulfillment and joy that both can bring. I’m also distracted, now and then, hoping that he is safe, and that his trip goes well, and brings him satisfaction and delight.
I suppose I could write more, or differently. This moment captivates me, drinking strawberry water, and watching the clock. Working. Waiting. Wistfully looking forward to morning coffee, tomorrow, then taken by surprise by a pang of something a bit like sadness, remembering this morning’s lovely moments over coffee together…and that coffee, tomorrow, will be quite entirely alone. I laugh, noticing I’ve finished off this water – and remind myself that I nearly always have my coffee quite entirely alone, in my studio, in the wee hours, while the world sleeps.
…I think I’ll refill this water bottle, and begin again. 😀
Evening Light 