Archives for posts with tag: meditation

As I sit here, feet up, hot cup of tea on the table next to me, basking in the commonplace comforts of home and hearth: indoor plumbing, clean drinking water, a home warm against autumn chill, a nutritious breakfast, electricity, efficiency improving appliances, clean dry clothes, internet access… I realize how very special every bit of that actually is. How luxurious. How extraordinary! I have the added luxury of good employment – I am neither exploited nor abused to earn my living, and I have leisure time I can count on.  I can comfortably spend this morning on yoga, meditation, study, and enjoy the quiet contentment of nourishing my heart and soul, of healing, of growing, of learning, in a safe and secure space, quiet and uninterrupted.  It seems very worthwhile to extend a few moments of real appreciation for all of it, to stop for a minute and make time for gratitude.

Gratitude is a pretty big deal. Thanksgiving is coming, and it is so easy to get caught up in the hustle of planning and shopping, so easy to get swept up in a moment of emotional turmoil over some small stressor, or challenge, or inconvenience, and forget about the thanks implied by the holiday we celebrate. So easy, actually, that experiencing everyday gratitude for everyday wonders often falls by the wayside in the flow of everyday life.  Delights and comforts are enjoyed but unnoticed, sampled but not shared, and entirely taken for granted, day after day.

This morning I am taking a different approach and enjoying my morning, even the everyday bits, with eyes wide, and immersed in the wonders of modern comforts and luxuries as though they are new. Taking notice, experiencing appreciation and gratitude, and slowing down the clock. I am contrasting my relatively luxurious experience now, with other times, other experiences; my life hasn’t always been one of everyday comfort, or everyday luxury.

I started the morning with a cup of tea, rather than a latte. I measured out the tea itself, loose, enjoying the fragrance of the dried leaves, and bits of lemongrass and dried citrus. Smiling at the recollection of the day I bought the tea, and the conversation with the gentleman minding the shop, I boiled water, first warming my cup, then preparing the tea. I watched the clock for four minutes, contemplating the clock itself, and the incredible step forward measuring time meant for humanity, and the simple convenience of having a timepiece in the kitchen.  The morning conversation as one partner headed for sleep after a night out, and another prepared for the work day, was cordial and practical.

Soon enough the house was quiet. A light breakfast presented a nice opportunity to consider the conveniences of store-bought bread, cured meat, and artisan cheese. The advances of humankind from its dawn to its present day are considerable, and many of my favorites are every day experiences: stores, bread, preserved foods like cured meats, jams, pickles, dried fruit. These aren’t even new things, but each individually represents some human being at some prior moment taking a step forward and making life better for every one of us in some fashion, if we have access to that product or service or experience.

I made another cup of tea, treasuring my experience of choice.  I have options – even with a simple cup of tea. Green or black? Sweetened? With cream? Iced or hot? Dainty porcelain cup with a history, or a robust mug chosen at a discount store because the words delighted me? My everyday life is even filled with choices of this sort. Options.

I spent time meditating, unmeasured time. The luxury of being able to capture, and measure time is pretty amazing, and we build a lot of our world on it, with the result sometimes being that it feels like time is in very short supply.  I am finding that when I also indulge the luxury of not measuring time, of not limiting it, time seems to slow down, to become more plentiful. The clock advised me after-the-fact that I had spent 37 minutes meditating. It felt like ‘just the right amount of time’, however it was measured.

I enjoyed my yoga practice on a different level. This too, I slowed down. Each pose its own moment, its own experience, and bringing as much mindful attention to the feel of it, to my breathing, to my balance, as I comfortably could. Stopping to review details on a new posture now and then, and enjoying the luxury of comfort and quiet. Calm. Content. Strong. Centered. These are not words I have had many opportunities to apply to my own experience, over the course of a turbulent life. I enjoy each moment awake and aware.

Now I chill and, feet up and my cup of tea near at hand, I write a few words. I observe. I feel. I consider. I find myself taking a moment of gratitude and appreciation for the friends and family that nurture me, and enrich my experience.

Gratitude feels lovely every precious day – and every day is precious.  Today I am practicing gratitude. Thanksgiving is coming; it’s always good to practice what we want to be good at. 😀

Practicing gratitude is like photographing mushrooms at dawn. I took scores of pictures of them, and although only one picture celebrates the experience, every picture I took was an experience worth having.

Practicing gratitude is like photographing mushrooms at dawn. I took scores of pictures of them, and although only one picture celebrates the experience, every picture I took was an experience worth having.

This one is fairly practical. Each day I begin with meditation goes a little better than one I begin any other way, a simple enough observation about my experience.  Another simple observation, my arthritis sometimes finds me almost too stiff to move first thing, and between the stiffness and the pain, comfortably meditating can be challenging.

This morning I happened to read an article that referenced Makka Ho stretches, which I’d never been exposed to before, and following the link to the video I tried a new [yoga] sequence this morning that really felt good, and simple enough to comfortably work into my routine before meditation.  Then my curiosity had me looking further, following links, reading more – you know how that goes, right?  I followed up on the reference to Wu Tao dance, and found this video.  I find myself feeling willing to dance again. That alone is worth so much.  I loved to dance before I busted up my back, before the arthritis set in, before I got so fat I could barely move… and although the excess weight is mostly gone, and the yoga results in a far more flexible me, the strange self-conscious reluctance to move freely has remained. How sad! I love to move!

I’m not ‘a dancer’ in the way a professional dancer is, not even close, not even a little bit. I am human, though, and the sensuous feel of rhythmic movement is wonderful for me. I love that experience. It’s been so long… Wu Tao looks very gentle, and not at all like the sort of dancing that comes most naturally to me.  This could be a valuable adventure in growth, and a good experience.  🙂  Novelty. Growth. Experience. (Let’s not bullshit around about it, though, I want to dance because dancing feels good and I miss it. 😀 )

However many books I may read about dancing, not one of them can replace the experience of movement.

However many books I may read about dancing, not one of them can replace the experience of movement.

I would share a picture of me, dancing, it would be apropos…but there are none. Not any. Not even one. I haven’t danced, really danced, freely danced without inhibition and anxiety, since before digital cameras. How fucking sad is that? lol.

Time to head into the world. Another day to be mindful, to bring the Big 5*, to smile – another day to dance.  Today I will change the world.

*My Big 5 are Respect, Reciprocity, Consideration, Compassion, and Openness. I practice applying them in every interaction, every relationship, every day. 😀

It’s been awhile since I had a night like last night. I didn’t sleep much. I wasn’t anxious, and there were no nightmares, I just didn’t really sleep deeply, for very long, or very restfully. I went to bed later than I prefer to, because although I’d started to feel sleepy, it just wasn’t moving me to choose sleep, and there were still a couple of things I wanted to get done before the work week began.

Everything seemed on track for a good night’s sleep. I just didn’t happen to have one. lol. Last night was the change to ‘daylight savings time’, too. I was already going to lose an hour of precious sleep, I knew.  Feeling a bit like a leftover Halloween zombie this morning, I’d have been delighted to wake just one hour short on sleep this morning! I did drift off a couple of times, long enough to be surprised when a partner, out for the evening, returned home – and again sometime later when he kissed me hello-goodnight in the darkness.

It is a change that even feeling so groggy and tired this morning there is no anxiety about my lack of sleep – and there wasn’t any during the night, either. I was merely awake, instead of sleeping. Any experience that changes from being an anxiety-based experience to being a calm chill contented experience is progress – so I’m not bitching. I’m just tired. lol.  Tired – but still eager to see the dawn.

A recent dawn. This morning will be darker; sunrise comes later.

A recent dawn. This morning will be darker; sunrise comes later.

The sky is just barely shifting from black to deep dark blue-gray, just now.  I really don’t understand daylight savings time – who does it really serve? Foolishness to fight the changing light of the seasons.  Strangely apropos this week, though, with so many other elements of my every day routine also on the precipice of change. The winter holiday season begins soon. One of my partners starts a new job tomorrow – one that results in a substantial shift in routine, perhaps even lifestyle at some point, certainly we’ll all be making adjustments here and there, at least.

I’m tired this morning, making this a wonderful morning to commit to giving people my whole attention when they interact with me – listening with my attention on them as people, hearing their words, using mindfulness practices to stay in-the-moment and resisting the ease of being ‘on autopilot’. Today, I will listen attentively. I will speak with compassion. I will choose kindness, and provide gentle service to family and love. I will do my best.

Today I will change the world.

I start the day with a quiet morning. It’s lovely.

Yesterday turned out well.  Aside from some pretty understandable challenges with the morning, subjective, limited, and largely pretty inconsequential in the grander scheme of things, the day was a good one. I found myself more easily able to reach for the appropriate tools in the moment, able to make use of them in a pretty natural way, and more and more I find myself relying on the simplest basics of mindfulness to ease me through momentary stress. It’s so far beyond being a goodness that I don’t really have words to express the sense of relief I feel when I find myself looking back on a challenge from the perspective of having handled it well, and already putting it behind me ‘so easily’.

Therapy is… ‘blessed torment’. I’m not a practitioner of a major religion, so it feels odd to reach for those words to describe my weekly visit with my care provider, but… yeah.  It’s not the gentlest hour of my week, and the ripples through my Thursday, my weekend, and the days following are more than opportunities to reflect, to heal, to practice new skills.  It is a time to tear down what doesn’t ‘work’, isn’t functional, hasn’t served me well.  It is a time to challenge assumptions, ask powerful questions, to share painful ‘truths’ to be examined critically in a very bright light. It is a time to fight seemingly invincible demons, with an unstoppable army of… two.  It is a time to rebuild with a plan, and will, and intent, and compassion, and a time to reinforce the best of what I have, who I am, and the values I choose to honor.  I’m very fortunate to have met this particular being on my journey; for the first time, therapy is making a real difference, long-term, not just acting as crisis intervention.  Not one dime I’ve ever spent on myself has been more worthwhile.

Autumn is really getting into things now; fall foliage in radiant colors, chilly mornings, sunny afternoons, the smells of fall cooking on the air, the last barbecues of the year, the first fires in the hearth, and different flowers show their colors along the sidewalks and roadsides. I have no idea why fall is my favorite season.  I think of long walks around the lake near Ft Devens, Massachusetts, and beautiful cities showing fall colors: Augsburg, Annapolis, Portland. I love walking outside in the autumn, bundled in a warm sweater, cheeks rosy and a big smile.

Autumn days, autumn skies.

Autumn days, autumn skies.

I love the walks, the sights, the calm enthusiasm for life that I feel in the autumn.

Some of the most dramatic flowers show off in the autumn.

Some of the most dramatic flowers show off in the autumn.

I find myself feeling more focused and purposeful, without feeling driven or obligated.

I find myself enjoying this up close and with intent.

I find myself enjoying each moment up close and with intent.

Simple pleasures seem more than enough in the autumn.

I am content to look at beauty from more than one perspective, to linger, to savor it.

I am content to look at beauty from more than one perspective, to linger, to savor it.

Autumn feels more leisurely than spring, less urgent than winter, less defiant than summer. Autumn is also a time of year to openly and wantonly plan and daydream of coming Yule festivities. The winter holiday season, for me, begins with Thanksgiving, and lingers until New Year’s Day.  I love the winter holidays in all their lavish glory and festive excess.

The most awesome holiday wreath ever?! I think maybe...

The most awesome holiday wreath ever?! I think maybe…

So, here it is, autumn, a quiet morning of study, meditation, and yoga – and an excellent latte.  Later I will garden. It is time to prune the roses for winter, tidy the greenhouse for autumn crops, and cut back summer stalks that now obstruct rather than adorn.  Today, mine is a very pleasant experience.

 

 

 

Since last Thursday I’ve been living eyes-wide-open, head up, and observing the world, and making time to meditate when I can. Funny, it often seems that when I want to meditate more, the opportunities to do so are fewer. I’m not bitching, just expressing a subjective impression of my experience.  My ‘cognitive space’ seems a bit limited lately. Or…maybe I have a lot to think about? 🙂

There could be a an inspiring caption here...

There could be a an inspiring caption here…

It is Thursday. Therapy. A day to focus on me, generally… it’s off to a strange start. I feel distracted and struggling to engage myself with my own needs and thoughts. Struggling to focus, struggling to be the important thing on my agenda… and slowly the stress and anxiety build.  So, fewer words today, more meditation.

Somehow I failed on some little things of great importance this morning. Failed to connect. Failed at intimacy. Failed at love and Love. Failed at conversation. Failed what started as a lovely morning and turned into… loneliness.  Still human. Capable of hurting. Likely to struggle. Prone to error.  What do I need? What do I want? I guess it is progress that I can at least express my feelings; disappointed, sad, frustrated – emotional.

I am grateful that I can feel.

Today I hope to make wise choices, to speak with compassion, to listen with my whole attention and consideration about other experiences. Today I hope to challenge my assumptions, and treat myself with compassion, too.  I hope to find my way out of the darkness and into the light.

Today I will change the world.