Archives for posts with tag: mindfulness matters

Reconsidering Everyday Carry

February 21, 2017 //

I’m smiling over my coffee after a weekend of painting. Switching gears to be ready to head in to the office this morning feels the tiniest bit “artificial” and forced. I carefully consider my “everyday carry” items, checking them off a mental list: access badge, card case, house keys, bus pass, packed lunch… Each item is utterly essential for its purpose, and sufficiently commonplace that I need to have it on me each day, at least as the day begins.

I find myself, as I often do, considering “everyday carry” in a more metaphysical way, and contemplating what I am well-served to have going for me, each day, in my cognitive and emotional backpack as I get the day started. Resilience. I definitely favor making a point to be adequately prepared with emotional resilience each day; I never know when life is going to haplessly knock me down. I like knowing I am prepared to get back up and begin again. Oh, and I’m also going to want to bring as much mindful awareness along for the day as I can; it’s more than helpful to be aware and in the moment, and also to recall that we are each having our own experience. So, perspective gets stuffed into my mental backpack for the day, too. Kindness? For sure, I’m definitely going to be bringing along kindness; I try to plan on enough so that I don’t run out before the day ends. A sense of sufficiency helps ease stress all day long, and minimizes any creeping sense of entitlement that might sneak in somewhere, so I maintain that with great care, too.

What’s in your everyday carry of the heart? How about your cognitive everyday carry? Are you prepared for imagined disasters, but not for the most likely stressors you’ll face each day? Are you prepared for major successes, but not for small failures? Flip that one on its head – are you prepared only for failure, but giving no consideration to success’ sometimes weighty consequences? I’m just saying, it’s a an exercise worth indulging to consider one’s preparedness for the day from the perspective of emotional experience, and of likely real-world events that any one of us might be required to face. We think to double-check that we’ve grabbed our house keys, our credit cards, and our cell phones before we head out for the day, why wouldn’t we also “check ourselves” and ensure we are bringing our best self, and our most skillful self-care along as well?

Some days are rainy. I may need different things in my everyday carry to account for the weather. 🙂

Today is a good day to be prepared. Today is a good day to choose, to act, and to change for the better. We become what we practice. We could, if we choose, practice changing the world. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, meditation, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5

The Parable of the Barking Dog

February 18, 2017 //

The barking began at dawn. It continues even now. It’s not unusual; I have a neighbor with a dog that barks any time it is left outside, which is… often. It is frustrating and annoying, and incessant. The neighbor has received many complaints about the dog and the barking, and the reply is generally the same, “Well, I’ve tried to teach him to stop barking, but it doesn’t work. Dogs bark.” I gave that some thought, at the time, and even during the six months that I was home every day, I don’t recall ever seeing that neighbor working with their dog, at all. I wondered then, and this morning, what exactly my neighbor “tried”. I don’t see anything going on that looks like practice or training.

Dogs can indeed be trained not to bark (at the moon, at shadows, at strangers, because they are lonely…), it requires practice. Do the thing. Do it again. And again another time, and again after that. Then repeat all the practicing. Begin again, again. There are verbs involved, and a practice is not a noun, however much it may seem to be based on its function in a sentence. It requires consideration. Awareness. Intention. Will. Did I mention the practicing?

I’m sure my neighbor would be irked with me to hear me suggest that she isn’t actually making any particular effort to train her dog not to bark every hour of the day it is left outside. No doubt she believes her internal narrative that she “tried everything” and “nothing worked”. Haven’t we all said as much to ourselves – and our friends and loved ones – about something? Is it really the true literal truth in fact? Have I indeed “tried everything”? Have I truly practiced the needed practices with the necessary constancy? Have I tried, failed, and begun again sufficiently often? Or… did I try, fail, and then tell myself that I tried and failed and therefore “it didn’t work”? I see a difference there. Once I noticed that difference, it became more difficult to allow a negative experience to be who I am; we become what we practice.

Yes, there are verbs involved. No, change doesn’t happen solely because I’ve accepted that change would have value, or even because I am desperate to experience change. One evening in the yard training my chronically barking dog isn’t going to change that dog’s behavior long-term (or maybe at all) – practice is an ongoing thing. So it also is with anxiety, with depression, with anger, with emotional volatility, with disorder, with sloth, with overeating, with nail biting… Hell, any number of troubling or challenging human experiences can be eased with one practice or another – if change is actually practiced. Fail. Begin again. Practice. We become what we practice. (Not one word of that implies “easy” or suggests effort would not be required.)

It works in a subtle way; even practicing ignoring that barking dog has an outcome rooted in incremental change over time.

Is your dog barking? What will you do about it? Endure it? Change it? There are verbs involved, and the choices are yours. So is the requirement to practice.

About that barking…? (photo by Emma Harris, used with permission)

A very long time ago, I “tried meditation” and “it didn’t work for me”. I went forward in life for many years (decades) quite convinced by that experience that “meditation doesn’t work”, and gave it no further thought. My PTSD symptoms worsened over time, rather than improving. After all, dogs bark. We become what we practice. I didn’t understand why I wasn’t getting any better… hadn’t I “tried everything”?

In 2012, I stopped trying. I wasn’t sure what I would do instead, hell, I wasn’t sure I even wanted to live any more. I mention it because that seems a long time ago now, although it has been only 4 years since February 2013, when I started actually practicing meditation (and some other things) – and I do mean really practicing. Daily. Reliably. Even when I “don’t have time”. Even when “it isn’t convenient”. Even though I “wasn’t sure I was doing it right”. Even though I “wasn’t sure it would work”. Even when I found myself certain “it isn’t working”. Even when I thought “my life was falling completely to pieces”. Even when I thought “love might be lost” over my chaos and damage. Even when I wasn’t sure I wanted to live at all. I kept practicing, and failing, and beginning again.

We become what we practice. By practicing calm, I have become calmer. By practicing perspective and sufficiency, I have gained perspective, and learned what is “enough” for me. By practicing non-violence, I have become more peaceful. By practicing feeling content, I have become more able (and likely) to experience contentment. By practicing being awake and aware in this moment, I have become more present in my life, and in my relationships. By practicing listening, I become more likely to hear what is being shared. By practicing kindness, I have become kinder.

Today is a good day to practice being the human being I most want to be. Isn’t every day? 😉

Tags barking dogs, be the change, be the human being you most want to be, be your own hero, begin again, being and becoming, building better practices, emotional self sufficiency, if practice makes perfect what are you perfecting?, incremental change over time, is your dog barking?, mindfulness, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, perspective, practice makes more practice, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, there are verbs involved, we become what we practice, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Parables, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, weight loss secrets

Variations on a Theme

February 15, 2017 //

What an odd night. I woke once during the night unsure of where – or when – I was. It took some minutes walking through quiet rooms, a disoriented groggy stranger in my own experience, to remember myself. I returned to sleep easily and without stress. I woke again later, some noise or another, and again returned to sleep. Having taken a day off of work for an appointment, I thoughtfully reset my alarm sometime when I woke during the night, and got an extra hour of sleep. I woke feeling rested and content, sometime between when I ordinarily wake, and the time I for which I had reset the alarm.

The morning has not been the slightest bit routine. Usually it is pretty fixed: meds, yoga, meditation, shower, dress, coffee, write, tidying up, then off to work. This morning I dilly-dally over my coffee, in my yoga pants, having not yet yoga-ed at all (What the hell is the past tense for that verb?? …Then I remember that it is a noun, and that I am an abuser of good grammar.) I sipped coffee on the patio, though, feeling the pre-dawn chill of a mild winter morning, and listening to the geese on the marsh, and the horn of the distant commuter train. I rely on habit and routine to ensure, day-to-day, that my self-care needs are met, and recognizing that stepping away from those routines and habits could come at a cost (if I fail to follow through on practices that I know benefit me greatly) my alarm is set at intervals to remind me before the clock runs out on the morning.

Easy enough to shrug it all off and say “what does one day matter if I don’t…?”, but I actually know that in some cases, for me, it really does “matter”. There are differences. No yoga? By day’s end I will be less mobile, less flexible, and in more pain. No meditation? By midday, I’d likely be edgy, irritable, and at risk of losing my shit over something small or inconsequential. No shower? Well, come on now, does this have to be explained? If nothing else, the lack of basic hygiene would hint at disordered thinking when my Traveling Partner turns up later, and that would be a source of concern for him, not to mention that basic hygiene is… well… basic. (One of my own first alert “symptoms” that my mental or emotional health is slipping is that I begin to find it “hard to drag myself into the shower”, versus enjoying the sensuous pleasure of warm water on bare skin.) No getting dressed? For me that’s also no going out. lol I have stuff to do. Getting dressed is definitely happening, preceded by showering, and yoga will definitely be a thing, and while I’m at it, I’ll meditate somewhere between yoga and heading out for my appointment – and probably a time or two later on, also.

I notice the time. My perspective shifts and I feel the day as “busy” although it is far less so than usual. The clock ticks on. I have less time to do “all the things”. I feel a surge in anxiety, briefly, and recognizing it is merely my moment of time-related awareness, I let that go. There is no rush. There is only this moment here, writing, sipping coffee, enjoying the morning. I have an alarm set to remind me of the time, and that timing is based on still not having to rush. Since it hasn’t gone off yet, I am most definitely not in any hurry to be anywhere else. 😀

I swallow the last of my now-cold coffee. I check my spelling ever so carefully (fully knowing that both the spellcheck and I will miss something.) It’s time to move on with the morning, and with the day.

It’s not really “made of gold”, it’s more a matter of perspective.

Today is a good day to go and do and be. Today is a good day for love. Today is a good day for a moment of sunshine, a smile, or a friendly word. Today is a good day to be the woman I most want to be. I think I’ll go do that. It’s enough. 🙂

Tags are you going my way?, be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness, mindfulness for beginners, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, The Art of Being, The Big 5

That, But Without the Panic

February 10, 2017 //

I woke abruptly, disoriented in the darkness, and suddenly aware that today is Friday, one more work day left this week, and the icy certainty I had shut off my alarm and gone back to sleep, oversleeping some portion of the work day, gripped me fiercely. I took a deep relaxing breathe, then another, and let myself wake enough to look at the time through bleary eyes. It was hard to process what I saw. It said… 11:23… pm. Wait… 11:23? How is it not daylight? P.m? Did I sleep through the entire day and beyond? That wasn’t making sense for minutes. Then I understood. Just a sleep disturbance. I went back to sleep relieved not to have shot out of bed as if fired from a cannon to careen around the room pulling on clothes clumsily in my haste to exit the building. (I have so been there!)

I used to have those weird ‘lost in time’ dreams not-quite-a-lot-more-often-than-rarely. If I were sharing the night with someone else, their sleep would be ruined, too, because in my panic I would usually be verbalizing my stress and anxiety – and I had serious baggage around “time”, in general, back then. A panicked shrieking freak out over having ‘overslept’ a work shift, or an appointment time, that resulted in me being both entirely irrational and completely inconsolable until I recognized my mistake about the time would ensue, guaranteeing no one could feel calm enough to return to sleep with ease. Last night was different; I never even got up, and returned to sleep. Granted, my sleep last night was restless and disturbed, but I did sleep, and I do feel sufficiently rested.

I’m glad it’s Friday, though. I’m clearly ready for the weekend. lol

Practicing calm, renders me calmer over time, less reactive. I like it. It’s a change for the better. I enjoy the recollection of my disturbed sleep as if it were a good report card.

The view from the office. Perspective matters; it looks very different in the picture than it does when I am just looking at it.

I spend more time than usual meditating this morning. It’s a lovely quiet morning for it, the rain quietly continuing to fall outside these walls, beyond these windows. I recall the rain shower that drenched me last night, soaking me, and leaving me to step through puddles in sodden jeans the rest of the way, happy to have waterproofed my winter coat – because it too was quite soaked, in spite of that. I smile with amusement at being taken by surprise by the sudden down pour; I’d been watching them pass through town all day through the big windows in the office. I am fortunate that I enjoy rain. However much I do enjoy rain, though, I was glad to arrive home to a hot shower and dry clothes.

The view as I headed for home.

The morning commute had been so different from the drenching soaking aggressively windy rain storm that took me by surprise on the way home. I had strolled in through the peculiarly mild weather, hood back, hair loose in the breeze, feeling the misty rain on my face with a big delighted grin that lasted the entire 1.97 mile walk across town to the office. I felt free and whole and eager to embrace the entirety of life’s experience, looking at the world through rain-spattered glasses. I know, I know – not especially “grown up”… on the other hand, how silly would it be to arrive at death’s door regretting things like not feeling the rain on my face, or the wind in my hair? I will certainly have my regrets in life, but I’m doing what I can to embrace and enjoy the simple pleasures, so easily within reach. I’m still routinely taken by surprise how much they matter.

The view through a misty morning rain.

I think about my Traveling Partner. I’m hoping to see him tonight, this weekend, dinner on Valentine’s Day, after work. I take a moment to appreciate being so well-loved. I think about his eyes, his smile, how much he cares for me… I think about how delightful it will be to have a little place of my own, and to enlist his help on projects to make it more mine, more livable, more a home than a house. Daydreaming about love, smiling, sipping my coffee.

Today is a good day to be fully where I am in life. If it isn’t where I want to be, it is nonetheless where I must start to go somewhere different. If it is somewhere I enjoy, then I’d be foolish not to enjoy the moment. I am okay right now, and that’s enough. 🙂

Tags be the change, begin again, being and becoming, don't be late, emotional self sufficiency, experience, good self-care, I still have nightmares, love and lovers, mindfulness matters, nightmares, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sleep, sleep disturbances, taking care of me, TBI, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships

Rainy Monday

February 6, 2017 //

Mondays have a bad reputation. I’m no longer sure why. Is it merely that so many people work unsatisfying jobs to which they must return each Monday? I’ve definitely been there. It wasn’t the easiest thing to choose differently. I had to learn that I could. So far, the current job has not yet lost its appeal, and going on 6 months, now. 🙂

I woke during the night, no idea why, and quietly walked through the apartment, restlessly, for… what? For about 10 minutes, that’s what. lol I’ve no idea what woke me, and I was on autopilot as I walked through the apartment, from bathroom to kitchen to patio door to studio window, finally standing at the front door, looking out into the wee hours of night, feeling the cold wet breeze circle me and filling the doorway. It was the refreshing cool of the breeze that helped me realize I was indeed awake and walking around, and also that I was still quite sleepy and inclined to finish the night. I returned to bed, and to sleep.

…And here it is, Monday. My coffee this morning is quite terrible, which seems rather odd. In all other respects the morning begins quite well, and I’m not inclined to fuss over the coffee. I rather thoughtlessly rubbed something irritating into my eyes, which as irritants go is unpleasant, but could be so much worse. I notice, as I dispose of the tissue I had dabbed at my eyes with, that I overlooked the little trash can in my studio when I took out the trash this weekend. I’m a tad irked by that, but it is also a very small thing. I shrug that off, too. How much Monday misery is entirely self-selected based on the apprehension that Mondays will suck? It’s been a long while since I’ve actually had a shitty Monday… Today still doesn’t qualify. I keep choosing to enjoy the morning. There’s no particular need to force it, I am okay right now, and that’s enough.

Monday? Yeah, it is. That doesn’t have to be any more significant than any other day of the week, though. There are verbs involved. Choices. Perspective. Practices. You can always begin again. 🙂

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, embrace change, meditation, mindfulness matters, Monday Monday, one out of seven, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter, Words

Reconsidering Everyday Carry

Share this:

The Parable of the Barking Dog

Share this:

Variations on a Theme

Share this:

That, But Without the Panic

Share this:

Rainy Monday

Share this:

Archives