Archives for posts with tag: money money money

No Net

December 30, 2022 //
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I am sipping my coffee and looking over the payday budget details.

I take a minute to properly appreciate how far I’ve come over the years, and how little stress or anxiety are associated with handling family finances and working with my Traveling Partner to develop (and stick with) a plan that supports us now, and prepares for our future. It feels good to see the bills paid reliably on time, and to feel so little tension (or terror) over money stuff. I give myself a mental pat on the back for a job well done, and offer my partner a silent thank you for his day-to-day encouragement and support, and the many excellent suggestions and strategies that have been part of getting us where we are. Nice to have a functioning partnership with everyone on the same page payday after payday.

Yesterday was a good day. My Traveling Partner and I enjoyed the afternoon together. I got quite a lot done. We enjoyed dinner together and had a pleasant evening – right up until things went unexpectedly wrong in conversation somehow. I’m still not sure what the fuck happened. My baggage collided with his, and the evening ended on an irritated note. Rather peculiarly, I actually got a good night’s sleep in spite of that, and woke feeling rested. I hope he did, too.

The house was quiet and dark when I got up a few minutes before my artificial sunrise could wake me. I had considered working entirely from home today, but seeing that my partner was sleeping, I went ahead on in to the co-work space, and started my day there. I’ve really been enjoying the quiet time this gives me to write without any concern whatsoever that my typing might wake my partner. I had barely seated myself and gotten my workstation logged in when he messaged me asking if I was okay; he remembered I had said I was planning to work from home today. I let him know I’m okay and was simply giving him room/opportunity to get more sleep. He didn’t reply, and I don’t know whether he went back to bed, or is still holding onto anger from yesterday…

…I could let myself get spun over the uncertainty of “where my partner’s head is” this morning… I decide against it and instead I finish the budget stuff, and then get another cup of coffee and enjoy some quiet time writing. Letting myself get carried away with insecurity and anxiety that has its source in untested assumptions is 100% bullshit and I like to avoid it when I can. 🙂

I look over my to-do list for the day (and weekend) ahead. It’s all pretty routine stuff. My partner and my physician are both concerned with various aspects of my current health, and as we all close in on the new year I am feeling more motivated and recommitted to taking care of myself with greater skill. I even picked up a blood pressure monitor to use at home, since there have been signs that my blood pressure may need attention. May as well keep an eye on that. I’ve got a project I want to complete before the end of the year (or at least before the holiday weekend is over) and it has emotional elements, some literal heavy lifting involved, and a fairly profound “letting go of baggage” element to it. Hell, it will even serve to reduce clutter once completed. It is to do with a rather colossal bin filled with my pen & ink journals spanning more than 30 years of my life… they have become more a millstone around my neck than anything of legitimate value, and it’s past time to do something about that. Getting actually started on it is… complicated. I’ve stalled too long. This weekend I’ll want to do that, and then also take down the holiday decorations (as is my practice). I’m glad the rest of my to-do list is all utterly routine stuff like laundry. lol

I’m amusingly excited about cooking these days. It’s amusing partly due to the absolutely mundane necessity of feeding oneself, and partly due to my ongoing eagerness to do so more skillfully, based on healthier recipes and ingredients, while also seeking to focus on calorie/portion control, fitness, and reduced waste. LOL It’s a bit comical, is all. It’s a lot to ask of a kitchen, or any given meal. 2022 saw the addition of the wok to my repertoire, and now the Instant Pot, and some gleaming new stainless steel cookware, too… I’ve got a lot to work with, and a lot to learn. Should keep me plenty busy in 2023. 😀

So… it’s a new year ahead. A new path to walk. How many literal miles on foot will I walk in the year ahead? I managed to average more than 1.5 miles a day in 2022… but… my goal was quite a lot higher than that, and I only hit my goal 57 days out of 365. I could have done better – and I could have done more. I’m not shaming myself or giving myself a hard time, just taking a closer look and recognizing where I came up short. I did find a local walking trail that could be a really good choice for close-to-home walking (just getting in the miles) that doesn’t look at all crowded, and appears well-maintained…so… there really isn’t any excuse not to get off my ass and onto my feet for a couple miles every day. I mean, aside from pain or “running out of spoons” – and I already have a long-standing commitment to myself not to let pain call my shots. 🙂 My results vary. (How very human.)

…How many spoons in a mile…?

It’s time to begin again.

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Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, forgiveness, Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, winter

Still Staying Home

April 20, 2020 //
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I’m sipping this great cup of coffee, this morning, before work. The news is still focused on the pandemic. No surprise. It’s getting weird, though. The number of people frustrated enough by stay-at-home orders to begin protesting those is fairly astonishing. Seriously, People? Stay-the-fuck-at-home. Good grief. This is not about profit or economic measures of success, it is about survival. My suspicion is that most of the folks suddenly raising their voices in protest are being manipulated by business interests (in some cases filtered through politicians or pundits) eager to get back to making profits, and avoid the looming risk of having to actual pay substantial healthcare and sick leave benefits long-term, beyond this crisis. It’s too easy to capitalize on individual frustrations with having to stay at home. Some folks already live on the ragged edge of what they can afford, and they can’t legitimately afford to be either out of work, or staying at home. It’s uncomfortably harsh, and very few people have received any of the promised relief being discussed. Still…

…Stay-the-fuck-at-home, for fuck’s sake. Lives are depending on that. People you know and care about. People you rely upon, but have never met. Real people.

The weekend was lovely. This cup of coffee is excellent. This moment is calm and characterized by contentment. It’s the beginning of another work week. I take time for gratitude (I am fortunate to be able to work from home). I also take time for perspective (not everyone is able to work from home) and empathy (how scary to feel confined while resources run low). I consider the practical details (delivery services are available) and the people who make it possible for everyone else to stay at home – because they are out there working, for the rest of us (delivery drivers, cooks & stockers, warehouse workers, waste collection people, mail carriers, healthcare professionals…). Complex times.

I sip my coffee and think things over. My cuticles are ragged from stressful picking at them when I’m not aware of it. Fucking hell – the least I can do is not tear at my damned cuticles. lol I find some value in that thought; maybe that’s the “hook” I need on which to hang that change of behavior long-term? It’ll take practice… my results will vary, most likely… but it is a choice, and I can begin again.

A small change can really impact our quality of life – even during this time of pandemic. 🙂 A choice can become a practice. A practice can become a change, over time. We become what we practice.

…What are you practicing?

It’s already time to begin again. 🙂

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Categories Free Will, gratitude, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Practices, Relationships, Spring, The Big 5, Uncategorized

One Demon Down

July 28, 2017 //
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I woke this morning one demon short in the pack that nips at my heels over the distance I’ve traveled in life. It was interesting to notice it, in such a commonplace way. I woke early, feeling well-rested, and it’s my day off.

Today is also pay-day, rent coming up at a new place (new landlord), a move recently completed, new and different bills, different due dates… I made coffee, sat down, and began updating my financial calendar, my budget, my financial planning software, doubling checking due dates, correcting those where needed, taking stock of debt, of assets, of the costs of this most recent move, of upcoming expenses… quite properly all the grown up things that have to do with taking care of life’s expenses. I sat back, some short time later, feeling satisfied that I had accounted for all the changes, and that I am ready to move forward, and on to restoring a safety net depleted by an ill-timed, unexpected move. I swallowed the last of my coffee feeling both content, and vaguely puzzled… Had I overlooked something? A bill? An account? A “hidden expense”? An urgent need? I made uncomfortable frowny faces at my monitor and chewed on my nails for a moment, before I realized what the uncomfortable emotional experience of feeling incomplete was all about; I am feeling the loss of financial anxiety. No panic. No stress. No fear. No freak out. No resistance to taking care of the details. No cockiness, either. No feeling of great relief to be finished with the task at hand. No catching my breath. No feeling of having gotten away with something because I survived a financially challenging life change. Just… nothing like that at all. A woman, a computer, a payday, and some banking software… No demon.

There’s a small soft surge of subtly congratulatory pride, a bit more joy than contentment, and a smile. This was a major demon for me. The ghost of future destitution, the panic of imminent financial free fall, the demon of “you will never have a financially stable life” and all the fear and anxiety and lack of preparation in life that went with that has apparently been put to rest. Overdue, honestly, it’s been a while now that I’ve been handling my own financial affairs with some skill, enough that I don’t need day-to-day fiduciary assistance. That’s been nice – but that didn’t stop the anxiety every time a bill came due, every time I got paid, every time I went anywhere or spent any money. That stayed with me. The anxiety had faded somewhat in these past two years, becoming a pale shadow of a former threat to my emotional resilience, but it was lurking there nonetheless, waiting to catch me unaware in some moment when I really needed to adult skillfully, waiting to prove I’m not strong enough, not good enough, not ready…

This morning? I’m enough. I’m ready. I’m taking care of the woman in the mirror. It’s pretty nice, and another moment of confirmation that incremental change over time really is a thing. One demon down. 😀

I try to take a sip from my empty cup of coffee. Right. Great metaphor, and a reminder that the next many weeks need to be lived with care, frugally, on a tighter budget, until that precious safety net is restored and I’m back in the black on my financial goals. No problem. Later today, I’ll eagerly sit down to review my planning after thinking some things over, and sorting out what matters most.

It’s a new dawn, a new day… and time to begin again.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, The Art of Being