Archives for posts with tag: progress

I’m sipping my coffee, thinking my thoughts, and waiting for the sun. It’s a quiet Sunday, and only three days until I take a break on the coast for a couple days to rest and paint. I’m grateful for the opportunity and the means to enjoy it.

This morning I started my day thinking about my Traveling Partner with gratitude and love, and appreciating how much the world has changed since I was a child. Oh, for sure not perfect; we human primates have a long way to go before we’re anything more than fancy fucking monkeys flinging poo at each other across the cages we’ve devised for ourselves. We’re honestly pretty fucking disappointing in many ways. We could do so much better. Still…

In some important ways we’ve begun to do better than we once did, and I can see it without “straining my eyes” – metaphorically – just thinking about how much more free to experience and express emotion men are in America than they were when I was a kid. I’m so glad that’s true, too. They need that freedom and emotional safety as much as anyone. It’s easier now, and more likely, for a man to choose domesticity over corporate life. Men are less often viewed as babysitters of their own children, and more likely to be respected and valued as parents – and recognized for their contributions.

I see signs of change in the acceptable norms for women, too. Fewer of us are dismissed out of hand for having feelings or opinions that differ from those of the men in our lives. We own property. We have our own finances. Our votes aren’t merely tolerated – they really count. We work. We create. We lead. The conversation about reproduction involves fewer people assuming we’re walking incubators of future generations with no human purpose beyond breeding. We’re free to choose to be childless.

Other changes, too – a lot of them. We’re not perfect beings of compassion, light, and intelligent wisdom. We’ve a long long way to go, and there are definitely some holdouts fighting human progress with stupidity and violence. We’re still making slow progress. Hopefully it’s fast enough to ensure our survival…

… There’s still too much violence in the world, way too much… We should do something about that…

Just thoughts on a quiet Sunday morning, I observe them as they drift through my awareness. My Traveling Partner pings me a greeting, and let’s me know he’s going back to bed. His decision to make his own coffee this morning may have been overly ambitious. I assure him I’m happy to make coffee when I return home and wish him good rest in the meantime. Then I sit wondering if I should cancel my trip…or figure something else out to solve the potential “coffee problem” while I am away…

…A pour over is unquestionably a great cup of coffee but it sure won’t “make itself”…

Waiting for the sun.

The sun rises late these early autumn mornings. There’s a dense mist clinging to the ground in the low places. I’ve still got the nature park to myself when the gate screeches open and clangs firmly in place. It’s still too dark to walk the trail without a headlamp or a flashlight. I’ve got both with me, but I prefer to wait for the sun – or at least for daybreak, and enough light to make out the trail without a light.

A hint of daybreak on the horizon.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Yesterday was a pleasant day in my partner’s good company. I’m hopeful today will be as well. I enjoyed the intimacy of our conversations, and the depth and breadth of the topics we discussed together. We felt like old friends, again, and lovers. Partners. It feels good to be rebuilding that together. It’s too precious to take it for granted or to haplessly let it slip away. Fuck, I love that man. I sit with my thoughts and my awareness of his enduring deep love for me. Love does take work… and it is so worth that effort.

I sip my coffee, think my thoughts, and watch the horizon. It’s time to begin again.

Trite but true, it is a near certainty that things could be worse. I sigh out loud, annoyed by my persistent headache when there’s so much going on and so much to do (or prepare for). Thinking, planning, and doing, while also fighting through pain has difficult moments. I struggle to maintain focus on things that matter and routinely find myself distracted by things that matter just as much. lol I try not to be overly hard on myself over it, but it does vex me, especially when the task at hand is something intended to support my Traveling Partner.

… I breathe, exhale, and relax…

A new day

When I left the house it was still quite dark. The season is changing, as seasons do. Daybreak comes much later than it did weeks ago, when spring turned to summer. I was amazed and delighted to see meteors streak across the predawn sky as I drove to the trailhead, this morning. Then I started thinking about what it might mean should some unusually large meteor actually plunge through our atmosphere intact and impact the planet directly…my anxiety surges as I consider that. Then I let that shit go.

… Letting an imagined worst case wreck a lovely lived moment is a poor practice…

I breathe, exhale, and relax. Today is final preparations for my Traveling Partner’s surgery. Tomorrow. It’s a big deal, and one with a very good prognosis. I’m more eager than nervous on my partner’s behalf, which I guess is a good thing. I feel well prepared. I hope he does, too.

I breathe, exhale, and relax. I’d meant to bring my colored pencils and my sketchbook along this morning. I forgot them. There are really only one or two places, at home, where something can be placed, that reliably get my attention on the way out in the morning. I can’t count the number of times I have forgotten to grab something I meant to take with me, because it wasn’t in one of those places. lol Generally a harmless sort of oversight, and I don’t make it a big deal this morning – because it isn’t.

… I keep promising myself more time painting. I keep not painting…

I had the trail to myself, initially, and sitting here in the morning quiet at the halfway point it manages to feel strange to hear voices and approaching footsteps. A small group of photographers walks past. Cheerful greetings are exchanged as they walk by.

My mind wanders. I distractedly check my task list and my calendar. I check the grocery list. I try to identify needful things I may have overlooked. My mind feels very busy and chaotic. I’m not here for that. There’s time for lists and tasks later.

… I breathe, exhale, and relax. I make room for this “now” moment, present, observing, breathing. Only this. I let my thoughts come and go, like the clouds overhead. (I definitely need more of this calm time spent present, simply being.) My mind wanders, this time I bring it back to my breath. My tinnitus is loud and distracts me. I bring my awareness back to my breath. For an unmeasured time I reflect and meditate, bringing my attention back to my breath each time it wanders. Good practice.

It’s a good day for a quiet moment. After a while, I get to my feet to finish my walk and begin again.

Progress can be slow. Progress can be so slow that it becomes useful to play mind games with oneself with regard to the glacial pace of incremental change over time, in order to stay focused, keep practicing, and maintain motivation and engagement with those elusive goals that seem always “out there”, not yet achieved. It’s hard sometimes, and it’s easier – too often – to lose ground out of frustration, or even “losing interest” (in the sense that the commitment to one practice or another is quite separate from the pain of struggling with one issue or another). The tl;dr? Adulting is hard.

This past weekend was an odd one. I fought pain and fatigue most of the weekend. It was a long holiday weekend, but the holiday (Juneteenth) is not truly “mine”. I find it frankly difficult to “celebrate” an event that quite explicitly documents the moral, ethical, and cultural shame (slavery and racism) of my ancestors (and a great many other people who look quite like me). Juneteenth-wise, what makes sense for me, truly, is to make room for quiet reflection; how can I, myself, in this lifetime here/now, do better to eliminate even implicit racism from my thinking, my words, and all my interactions? How can I cast my vote to further improve the quality of life and situations of Black Americans? How can I use my privilege (as someone who is white) more as an umbrella and not as a barrier?

The holiday wasn’t the weekend, though, it was just a piece of it. It was a strange weekend, productive, but also peculiarly emotional and I wasn’t at my best. I had a rough day yesterday, characterized by strong emotions, and in spite of the great start to the day, I mostly felt sort of like I was just a big bucket of slop all weekend long (although it was actually just yesterday that was so difficult). My Traveling Partner did his best to support and care for me. We got a lot done together. It was just a very weird day. I didn’t write at all. Got a couple walks in over the weekend. Got a lot of really good rest. Didn’t paint, or write. Did get a bunch of housekeeping done. There was a lot of honest conversation about deepening intimacy and being closer with my Traveling Partner.

There isn’t that much to say about the details that would have any legit relevance this morning. It’s more that there was honestly a lot of real progress evident, if I take a step back and look at things in a way that directly compares this past weekend to – for example – a similar three day weekend 10-12 years ago. So much difference as to capture a feeling of “being an entirely different person”. I’ve come a long way. I’ve worked at it. A lot. I’ve endured frustration and failure and realizations that this or that practice don’t work out as well as I’d hoped, or that “the progress up to this point doesn’t touch that issue”. My results have varied… but… I have gotten results. Worthy real change in quality of life, for the better (by far). Worth celebrating. Worth making note of it. Worth learning to observe real progress, even when the changes over time seem quite tiny. There’s some hope to be found in this, and I’m finding it. Feels good, even after a day as shitty as yesterday was (though even now I do not understand why it was such a difficult day).

And it’s already time to begin again…