I mentioned recently that I am focusing on 5 basics (The Big 5) for building healthier relationships.  I’m not sure quite what else to say… ‘Eureka!’ seems closest, but a bit grand.  I’m just having an amazing morning of love and connection and the delights of family and friends, and it has a lot to do with being mindfully involved with those Big 5: Respect, Reciprocity, Consideration, Compassion, and Openness.  No fooling…I’m not bragging, for clarification, or trying to sell something (not even an idea), I’m just quite taken by surprise.  I’ve taken only the first steps on the path of learning to treat myself and others well, and I’m so new at keeping a meditation practice that really benefits me, and even simple ‘mindfulness’ is wrapped in reminders and constant practicing…I am not sure I am entirely comfortable with the concept of something so new, at which I am admittedly so unskilled, being so incredibly… helpful? Effective? Valuable? I get so excited about feeling this balanced and calm… more than once I have found myself losing that sense of balance solely because I’ve gotten so excited about it. lol.

There have been some ups and downs the last few days; love requires maintenance, effort, and commitment.  I have done my very best to stay focused on treating myself well… and my Big 5.  I practiced respecting my own values, and  needs – and found that it was much easier to respect my lovers, too.  I gave some thought and attention to what I could be doing to improve the reciprocity in my relationships, and found that even where things were not at a 1:1 level of reciprocity, that life feels more balanced over all, and the sense of ‘sharing the load’ is more definite.  I gently reminded myself of what I enjoy that feels considerate, and practiced those things with others, as well as really listening to what my friends and lovers say that communicates what feels considerate to them, and practiced those things, too.  When moments were challenging or stressful, I practiced treating myself well; understanding that other people’s stress affects my PTSD and causes me anxiety – and accepting myself, and my experience, and giving it room to be what it is, without making it worse by freaking out about whether it is ok to have the feelings I have.  I practiced staying focused on the things I enjoy doing in the moment, and really ‘being present’ while doing them, without indulging in non verbal demonstrations of stress or anger.  I found that treating myself with compassion resulted in a profoundly improved ability to feel compassion towards others, and an improved willingness to express that.  I struggled some with being open, finding it requires a level of vulnerability that is a little scary sometimes, especially under stress, but I kept practicing, kept focused on my own desire to be stronger and more skilled in this area, and the results were telling.  I felt balanced and calm, in the face of occasional stress. I got enough restful sleep. I made good decisions and choices that enhanced my experience without hurting others.

Today, I enjoyed the morning with my partners; good meaningful conversation, love, connection, and really being there with each other.  The walk to work was gentle, mindful, and enjoyable…and I am finding that occasional real life hurdles, stressors, and weirdness, don’t have to ruin my experience, wound me, or be tragic.  It’s quite lovely to feel…calm; to be in love on a gray Thursday, to feel loved and eager to return home, to feel tempted to daydream about all the pleasures life and love offer, instead of compelled to brood on pain and suffering.  😀

There is no report card, trophy, or award.  I’m not crossing any finish lines, or completing any coursework.  I’m still a student of life and love.  I’m still learning, still practicing.   Today, that all feels very good, and very satisfying.  It’s a good Thursday.  😀