Archives for posts with tag: relationships

I’m sipping my coffee, and considering words and pictures. I gave up on reading the news. I woke to the alarm, regrettable but necessary. My Traveling Partner was up shortly after I was (very early for him). I made him coffee, and returned to mine. Quiet morning. I don’t feel quite awake, yet.

Life in the time of pandemic continues to be strange. My hair is returning to it’s natural color as it grows out. Going to a salon to have it cut and colored doesn’t seem like a good idea. It hangs in my face, annoying me. I push it back, it flops back into my eyes, obscuring my glasses. This is definitely one way of altering my perspective (or point of view). It doesn’t get me anywhere I need to go, but it’s definitely a change. lol

Living in a new place has a lot of opportunities for new perspective, or a change in my point of view. Small stuff, mostly. Light switches in “strange” locations will soon become familiar, but for now, they are jarring reminders of change. Differences in light and shadows at various times of day are another shift in perspective. New, different rooms, and making use of space quite differently due to having a bit more of it, all shift my perspective a small amount. The overall effect can be unsettling at times. I’m letting the days go by as gently as I can while I get used to things.

There’s a new view, from a new deck, and new trees to gaze into, across a new distance…

Summer is lush and green.

I’ve begun snapping pictures of a particular perspective, from a particular point of view, often…

…As I once did from a particular point of view along my walking commute in Portland…

…This new view is lush, green, and yes, framed by trees. It’s actually mostly trees. And sky. Trees and sky. It’s a nice point of view to have, I think…

Trees and sky on a recent summer day.

It’s not the sort of fancy view that a shining golden city at sunrise might seem to be…on the other hand, it has a simplicity and easygoing beauty to it that feels relaxed, natural, and perhaps just a bit less likely to be hiding an assortment of unpleasant surprises in its distant beauty. 🙂

It’s a view with some moods and variety, even in summer.

A new point of view, in a very practical and literal way – my new point of view – a place to stand, gaze outward while I reflect inward. A new source of inspiration. “Is the sky still blue?”, a friend once asked me in a moment of heartache and other shades of blue. It was, then, and it is now. Lovely shades of blue on quiet summer days. It’s still a lot of change, and there’s so much to get used to… but I already love this view, so very much. 🙂 It’s enough.

I’m smiling as my Traveling Partner walks away. Love is a nice thing to have and enjoy – and work for. More than “enough”. I sip my coffee and yield to this moment of love and gratitude. My eye wanders to the time. As much as I’d rather just sit with this one lovely moment awhile longer, it’s apparently time to begin again. 🙂

I’m sipping my coffee, watching the dawn become day. I can’t honestly say the morning is “routine”; the move into this house is still quite recent, and a great many of my routines are altered, or broken. The “new normal” is still developing, and I don’t really know what that will look like, in days or weeks, or months, or two years from now. I breathe, exhale, relax, and let that go. The new normal does not need my help, it’ll be what it is once it becomes so. 🙂

…This coffee is fairly terrible…

There is a work day ahead of me. I’m struggling to fully embrace that. I’m tired, as a result of sleeping… poorly? That’s not wholly accurate. The sleep I got was deep and restful. It was just interrupted, a lot, and it takes a lot of 90 minute to 2 hour naps to achieve a restful night’s sleep. lol I feel distracted by tiredness. (I also feel acutely aware there is another, more appropriate word for “tiredness” that I can’t quite recall…) I’d very much like the day to be over, so I can go back to sleep. LOL It’s not quite 6:00 am. So unlike me.

This morning I am lost in thought, contemplating “fairness” and “unfairness”, and what it means to have a “level playing field” in life (or love). I am giving thought to how easily I take things personally – even knowing that generally speaking, “it isn’t personal” applies to most situations. Even those few that are direct, targeted, willful acts (or words) of aggression between human beings aren’t really “personal” – they have ever so much more to do with the person doing the thing than they are ever about the person against whom the words or acts are directed. I mull that over awhile, and drink my coffee.

recommended summer reading

I sit quietly with this moment, and this fairly terrible cup of coffee. I feel fortunate in life (and in love, if I’m being real). I feel grateful for what I have, how far I’ve come, and how much chaos has been transformed into order, and yes, even how much healing has occurred, over time. I sit quietly, and let the scales gently balance, metaphorically speaking. It’s so easy to become entangled with a partner’s experience, or to internalize world drama or conflict. It’s easy to take small things personally, or to make much of something small. It’s easy to wreck the experience of a singularly pleasant moment with a harsh word, a misunderstanding, an erroneous assumption, then place the blame on the circumstances, or some other human being… I sip my coffee aware of the quizzical look on my face. No answers, just questions, and a handful of useful practices. It is, at least, a starting point.

The minutes tick by. The blue morning sky hints at a hot summer day ahead. I wonder what I’ll do with it? Will I be my best self, from moment to moment, or create an emotional inferno of small shit to apologize for, instead? Something in between? (There’s very nearly always “something in between” any two extremes, just saying, “don’t succumb to false dichotomies” is very good advice.) I remind myself that life (and love, and emotion) are very nuanced, filled with subtleties and hidden information. I remind myself to slow down, to be present, to stay centered in my own experience, and in this moment, here. I’m tired… which puts me at risk of drama and bullshit and chaos, but none of that demands that I be a shitty human being – it’s a new opportunity to practice doing a bit more/better at being the woman I most want to be. So… there’s that. 🙂

I notice the time… time to begin again. Again. 😉

I’m fairly glad the weekend is over. I wasn’t at my best. Yesterday started beautifully, went sideways early, stayed fairly difficult for some time afterward, and was not especially satisfying. It was a cool summer morning, and a very hot summer day. It didn’t cool off enough during the night to get the house below 72 degrees, even with all the windows thrown wide open to the night air. I slept badly. I stubbed my toe as I was getting up this morning. I’ve got a stiff neck, and my coffee tastes like dirt. lol Wow. I could zoom in on what a “shitty morning” this “is”, too… only… It isn’t. It’s just a morning. A blank slate on a new day. A new beginning. There’s more to this new day than a small handful of sour moments, wrong notes, and grumpiness. So many good things are happening this week!

A good thing? A bad thing? Sometimes things are just things; we add the judgement.

I sip my fairly terrible dirt-tasting coffee with more contentment than I can describe with words. I’m okay with today, so far. The gray sky is not bringing me down. The reluctantly partially cooled house isn’t not a deterrent on my good mood. My stiff neck will likely ease as the morning wears on. It’s a work day, and my Traveling Partner is here to take care of meeting with contractors and delivery people; I’m free to focus on work. My desk is very tidy and ready for the day, the result of the work I did in the studio, yesterday; it was the last room to get completely unpacked.

I was overly-sensitive yesterday, prone to taking things personally, and mired in emotional moments – but I still got things done, and I didn’t seek to punish myself for my humanity. I let the tears fall. I got over them. I’m fortunate to have a nurturing, care-giving, partnership of equals built on love – but I also recognize how hard my bullshit is on my partner. I sip my coffee wondering if he is also glad yesterday is behind us? He still sleeps – will he wake eager for the new day? I hope he does.

I hear a car alarm somewhere in the distance, quickly silenced. The sky is lighter now, as day approaches. I make room in my morning for gratitude, for new beginnings, and for contentment and sufficiency. I remind myself of things I want to get done, calls I want to make, and plans for the day. I finish this coffee. It’s already time to begin again. 🙂

I woke ahead of the alarm this morning – and it’s a good thing I did, since I apparently forgot to set it. lol The house is quiet. My coffee is good. Things are quickly coming together around the house, too. Soon we’ll spend more time living life than moving in. 😀 Probably by the end of the weekend… That makes it how many days since we got started on the moving in…? 17 days? Sounds about right (although we did “take a couple days off” over the 4th of July holiday weekend…)…although, to put a finer point on it, several of those days were moving out days. I look at my calendar notes and think about the moving for a moment. 17 days. My Traveling Partner has done much to get us moved in comfortably… I would not be this far along if I’d moved solo (as I did with my last 3 moves).

I sip my coffee contentedly. Every morning this week, I’ve started my day a bit more moved in. A bit more order snatched back from chaos. A bit more familiar with new surroundings. I’m sleeping decently well, too (although I’m waking up around 1:30 am, most nights, for no obvious reason, then returning to bed).

…Home…

It’s a nice feeling.

I yawn. I’d so rather have slept in this morning. lol One more work shift, then the weekend. 🙂

I notice the time… I could begin again… seems a fine moment to linger over, though, and I’m not yet finished with my coffee. I decide to take some time for me, slow down a bit, and savor this quiet moment. It’s enough, just as it is.

First there was the sound of a loud bump or bang. I heard that through the wall of my studio, where I was working. Then, I heard the sound of… running water? Like… loud. Splashing. From a room with no source of water… Shit. The aquarium… I pushed my chair back abruptly and went quickly to the room next door. There was water pooling on the carpet and soaking in, everywhere. Shards and chunks of glass. I could hear the water still flowing and see my Traveling Partner trapped on the other side of a tall bookcase, standing off-kilter, askew, leaning against the wall, above and into the shattered side of the 10 gallon aquarium in the room I call “my library”. Fucking hell. I helped push the bookcase into a standing position, to allow my partner to get around it, and out. He was doing the “calm-but-freaked-out” thing that happens to people when they are mired in an unexpected disaster. “I don’t know what to do, here…” he admitted. A different section of my brain than is the typical day-to-day was still engaged; I’d been working on a complex problem against a deadline. I hear my calm firm voice reply “move the bookcase out of the room so we can get started on clean up; I’ll get towels”.

I handed my partner the entire towel-content of the linen closet, and while he began mopping up water, I began picking up the biggest pieces of glass with great care, avoiding areas that appeared covered in small shards. Task by task we got the worst things handled straight away. Fish, snails, and shrimp, the living creatures were recovered and put into suitable water as quickly as we spotted them. Our tiny portable shop vac, advertised as “wet or dry” definitely wasn’t up for this challenge. Creatures retrieved and placed into water, I headed purposefully to the nearest hardware store for a proper shop-vac worthy of a garage that is planned to become, over time, my partner’s workshop/maker space. While I did that, my partner stayed behind, cleaning up more water and throwing the used, soaking wet towels into the wash. He placed the shattered aquarium, improbably still held together by a cheap plastic bottom frame and silicon-sealed joints at the corners, into a plastic tote big enough to hold it, and then supported one side a bit higher, allowing a pool of water to remain – a haven for any shrimp or fish we hadn’t netted successfully earlier. He moved the almost-new wooden aquarium stand (a cabinet type) off the soaked carpet beneath it, and into a dry place in the garage, with a breeze on it, so it would, perhaps, dry out.

…Sometimes a project goes very wrong, without any provocation or obvious cause…

I decided to re-home the now-homeless creatures (surviving in a small pitcher) by putting them into my big aquarium (and because there was little opportunity to acclimate them well or quarantine them, I was explicitly also choosing to “hope for the best” on their survival – and that of the community they joined so quickly). The big Mystery Snail was unfolding from her shell and beginning to explore almost immediately. The wee delicate Otocinclus, which were spotted and carefully netted by my Traveling Partner during the chaos and clean-up, surprised me with their resilience when I encouraged them out of the small pitcher they were in, and into the large community tank; they quickly joined the three Otocinclus there and began to settle in. The Blue Velvet Shrimp… well, they’re hard to spot against the dark substrate of the broken aquarium, honestly. Did we get them all? Really? I’m not certain, but I think we did. Later this morning, I’ll check for dead, dying, or injured creatures, and salvage the substrate, and decor, from the shattered tank (the plants have already been moved to the big tank). I don’t yet know if I will set up a second tank, again… for now that’s only a thought. More a question.

She doesn’t even have a name. I’m nonetheless surprisingly attached to her.

Funny thing… during the first days moving in, I carelessly spilled 2-3 gallons of water on our beautiful living room floor. I wailed in disappointment and self-inflicted emotional pain, in that moment. I cried – for nearly an hour, almost in hysterics over the mess, and throughout the time it took to clean it all up. I felt I had “ruined everything” in some catastrophic way. (I hadn’t. Clean water, vinyl floor… it was mostly just a pain in the ass, and very annoying after working with such care to bring the aquariums home to the new house.) This time? 8 gallons or so of actual “fish water”? Spilled into carpet? With living creatures tossed out into open air? A small hole gouged into the wall by the falling bookcase? Broken glass everywhere? This was a much bigger deal…  and I was beyond calm about it. Stressed, sure, but also measured, reasonable, practical, and purposeful. No tears. Still, even now, no tears. No one bleeding. No one died. House still standing.

As of now, this morning, I don’t think even one creature actually died during the mishap… and the new shop-vac did a great job of pulling the water out of the carpet. My Traveling Partner was skillful, effective, and cooperative; we worked together to deal with the worst of things, allowing me to return to work (first day back!); he finished the clean-up.  We began again. We hung out. We watched videos. We ate salads.

I sip my coffee this morning, preparing for the day ahead, reflecting for a moment on yesterday’s successes – and challenges. Wondering at the differences in the way I handled two somewhat similar small disasters, and learning just a bit more about what makes the woman in the mirror tick. I consider the day ahead and hope for an easy, uneventful, day – relaxed and productive, would be ideal, I think. I’ll be quite appreciative and grateful for a day approaching routine and ordinary. I give thought to my sleeping partner in the other room, hoping that he wakes well-rested, and feeling good.

I glance at the time. I’m unsurprised to find that it’s already time to begin again. I could use another cup of coffee…  🙂