Archives for posts with tag: sufficiency

Home Making

August 11, 2017 //

I slept in today, which was lovely, even though I woke with a stuffy head, a headache, and aching joints. I thought maybe I was coming down with a cold, but as I woke up, moved around a bit, showered, and got myself going for the day, I began feeling better. So… maybe not a cold.

I had a clear plan for the day, it unraveled almost immediately. If I were deeply emotionally invested to the details as planned, I’d be struggling with disappointment, frustration, and feeling aggravated. I’ve learned a lot about contentment over the last couple of years, and generally speaking, lasting sustainable contentment requires a couple of simple-but-harder-than-they-appear practices, in my own experience. Firstly, refraining from becoming emotionally invested in an outcome is super helpful. Then also, it’s a good practice to avoid holding implicit unstated expectations (of myself, events, or other people). Then, one more, sometimes super challenging, practice; letting go of attachment, just generally. Doesn’t mean “nothing matters”, that’s not it at all, it’s more that however much something I’ve planned may feel urgent, important, or necessary, circumstances can and do intervene, other people are human and also have freewill, and sometimes – no, seriously – sometimes I’m just mistaken, or lacking in complete information at some point that results in a plan breaking down.

So, today, when I woke very much not feeling like doing a lot of things, at all, I took a look down my list and noticed that grocery shopping properly, getting fresh produce into the house, and restocking the pantry of some exhausted supplies seemed to be overdue. So – I went to do that, figuring it would be a simple enough errand to run, in the early morning.

When I started the car, the “low tire pressure” warning light came on. Huh. Well – okay, there’s a tire place right up the road, quite nearby. Easily handled. Since I’m doing that, I’ll get the oil changed, and the tires rotated – on the way to the grocery store. Nice. I’m feeling super efficient and adulting with skill, now, yeah? 😀 I did the shopping. Got my nails done. Got home… and now that list doesn’t seem so daunting. I check off all the things I’d just done (all of which were on my list, anyway).

I continue to assemble a new updated weekend “bug out bag” for spontaneous road-trip-ery; having the car opens a lot of interesting doors. I check my calendar for upcoming weekends to spend with my Traveling Partner down south where he is working. I add some calendar events to my calendar, and find myself wondering about the holidays. Is it too soon to send him an invitation for the Yule holiday hear at home with me? (Not for me, it isn’t! lol)

Right about then is when I realized why the day was feeling so terrifically satisfying; I feel at home. I’m “home making”, today. I smile. Pause for a coffee break and a few minutes to write. I shrug off my utter failure to score tickets to see Macklemore in Portland in October (those tickets went fast) and send my Traveling Partner a calendar event to spend that weekend with him. Nothing to regret about the way that turned out. 🙂

I move down the list, and around the house, checking off tasks as I complete them. I water the garden. Feed the fish. Do the dishes. Start a new batch of sprouts. I’ll probably just keep at it until I hit the 6 hour mark or so, then call it a day well-spent, put my feet up, and relax. 🙂

…I still haven’t hooked up the TV or stereo. lol I guess I could do that too, at this point, with very little risk of over-indulging in “brain candy” (videos, anime, YouTube content…) or derailing my productivity. Taking a break from all that for a couple weeks now and then seems a healthy choice for me, particularly while I am rebuilding broken or bent routines affected by a change in circumstances – or address.

This is where I live. This is “home”. It’s not an instantaneous thing, and there are verbs involved here, too, and a commitment to “make it my own” in so many little ways. That continues, I suppose, until I can find my way in the dark, until I can step into the studio and immediately begin painting, until I can step on the deck and cut fresh herbs for cooking, until each and all of my friends and loves know just where I am on a solitary night, and whether I would welcome them… there is so much to do. I sometimes forget how much I enjoy doing it. 🙂

My coffee is done. I still have several things to do on my list. I guess I’ll begin again, then – it won’t change “the world”, but it certainly makes this wee corner of it more comfortable. 😉

Tags be the change, breathe, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, mindful living, my home my rules my way, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, so very much in love, sufficiency, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, this one's mine, thriving on my own terms, walking my own path, what disappointment?, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, gardening, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being

Every Bit As Human

August 10, 2017 //

So human.

This morning, I wrote, as I do, but to a dear friend, only. It met my own needs, and I considered no others this morning. Huh. Still human.

The other day, I got poked by a rose thorn, but thought nothing of it; roses have thorns, it’s a thing people know about. Today I am fussy and irritated by the discomfort of the thorn still lodged in the pad of my index finger, rather inconveniently precisely where my finger strikes the keys of my keyboard. I don’t actually do anything about the thorn, I just bitch about the discomfort. Still human.

I read the news, get caught up, feel annoyed with myself for wasting precious limited lifetime on media bullshit, again, knowing it messes with my head for hours, sometimes days. I sometimes do it anyway, even to the point of reading and rereading the same news, covered the same way, by nearly identical media outlets, multiple times…until I finally notice I’m learning nothing new, and don’t even actually care. Still human.

I make a cup of chamomile tea to enjoy as the evening winds down, and can’t quite enjoy it, either because it is still too hot to drink, or perhaps because now I don’t understand why I didn’t make coffee, which I’ve already had more than enough of today…but I don’t know which, and don’t move to change anything. Still human.

I distract myself from all of these things with thoughts of love, and loving, and feeling grateful to be so well-loved, and so thoroughly accepted – and then distract myself again with my disappointed recollection that my Traveling Partner still has not made it over to see my new place once… Which… well, he’s hundreds of miles away, and has only been within an hour’s driving time of this address for about 24 hours in the past 5 (6?) weeks, so it’s not really a realistic expectation. Still disappointed. Still human.

It’s a life. My life. It’s not the life I had 7 years ago. Hell, it’s not the life I had 3 years ago. It’s a pretty good life. I’m content – and this is true nearly all of my time, even moment-to-moment, generally. That’s… yeah, so much beyond what I could have hoped for a decade ago. Sure, it’s taken awhile, and I’m still so very human. Still have ups that are too far up. Still have downs that are scary far down. Still have many moments and emotions in between the extremes. It’s a life. My life. I’m very human.

Just one moment of many

Tomorrow, I’ll begin again.

Tags a very human experience, ACT, are you going my way?, be here now, be love, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, breathe, Caring, choose wisely, compassion, consideration, emotional self sufficiency, Empathy, experience, good self-care, gratitude, Humanity, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, MBSR, mindfulness matters, p.s. I love you, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, sufficiency, Sympathy, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, The Big 5, The Big 5 only work if I practice them, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path

Categories anger, Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, grief, loneliness, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Roses, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words

In Brief

August 9, 2017 //

Sometimes I need to take a little more time for myself in the mornings. Today is such a morning. I’ve nothing much to say in any specific way and feel more like writing poetry than prose, but lack even those few words. So, I sip my coffee, say good morning to the world, and move on to other moments. 🙂

My eye slides to my bass guitar this morning. My playlist inspires me to keep practicing, and practicing is, itself, my honest goal. I’ve no need to “perform”, it isn’t about that. I chuckle, wondering if I’ll ever let anyone hear me play… It’s a funny place in my head and heart, and my agency in the emotional space in which I play bass is so very fragile that small things break it (“Oh, you should…” “have you tried” “you need to…” “do that this way”). So, easiest to keep it to myself, quiet (for some values of quiet, obviously) and close to my heart, where I can keep myself safe, until some later moment when I feel less fragile and insecure about something I love so much.

There’s a whole morning ahead of me, before I have to head to work. I think I’ll get on with that, differently than usual. 🙂 There is much to do, and there are verbs involved. What about you? What will you do today to care for that person in the mirror? (I hope it’s something nice!)

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, Dancing Nancies, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, great basslines, hard songs, I am my own cartographer, listening deeply, meditation, my home my rules my way, practicing the practices, sufficiency, taking care of me, The Art of Being, the real folk blues, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, you might die trying

Categories Free Will, Healthy Living, Love, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Summer, The Art of Being

Staying on Task

August 7, 2017 //

This week I begin working in earnest to rebuild the habits and routines that support my quality of life best. I spent some time last night rebuilding long forgotten “to do lists” and thinking over morning tasks versus evening tasks. I’d been letting myself “get away with” rather a lot of “letting that go for later” toward the end of my stay at #59. Still… yesterday’s mail came with some good news; I got my deposit back, in full. That’s a nice feeling, and a reminder that good self-care is often also good care of the environment in which I live. (There’s probably a larger message there…)

So, I spent some time cozied up with a digital “to do list” I am trying out. By the end of the evening, I’m a little astonished by the amount of “small work” I expect to get done in a day… every day… Seriously? It would be daunting, only… I generally do all that. lol Getting it down in an organized list may reduce the time it takes, by putting in a more sensible order. I like order. 🙂

My day started well, and I know that attributing that to having well-prepared lists of things to do doesn’t really make any sense; there’s no legitimate connection. I just feel good this morning. Prepared. That feels good. I’m okay with enjoying it as it is. There are so many little things I want very specifically to do each day, reliably. Building those habits that nurture good emotional wellness and quality of life takes a hearty helping of verbs, and continued reinforcement. It’s really easy to shrug something off one morning, let it slide, then… it becomes another morning, then continues until the habit isn’t just broken, but well and truly defeated. Pretty commonplace as challenges go. I also fight off having long-time habits simple extinguish themselves rather without any warning at all – as though it was never a habit at all. This is both frustrating and unpredictable. Having a good “to do list” helps with that a lot.

Why go digital when after all this time I keep returning to ordinary yellow legal pads for this sort of thing? I admit, I have my doubts about digital lists, but… there’s a built-in inefficiency involved in having to return to the legal pad, wherever I’ve put it down, again and again to check off something completed, or add something overlooked. I’ve tried digital lists many times: spreadsheets, notepad, specific list making apps, and time and again they have failed me mostly by not being quite the tool for the job in one way or another. Back the legal pad I’d go. So, this time I am trying out a digital to do list that really is that, and will sync across my devices (no going back to the legal pad on the other side of the house, or having to wait until I get home to check off things I’ve done outside the house). We’ll see.

I smile and sip my coffee, listening to a small brown bird offering early morning commentary on the imminent sunrise. I may be back to the yellow legal pad at some point. I’m not concerned with that, as a thing. It represents neither a success nor a failure. I notice my list reminds me to check account balances – it will remind me to do so, daily. Nice. I do that. I check it off the list. 🙂

Sometimes figuring things out takes some effort, some practice, some fails, some changes – all completely utterly normal and part of how we learn and problem solve. 🙂

Problem-solving, and practice. Incremental improvement over time. There are verbs involved.

With managing the small details, sometimes a list is helpful. Sometimes it is still necessary to begin again. 🙂 It’s time to go do that; I’ve got a list. 😀

Tags be here now, be the change, begin again, being and becoming, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, I am my own cartographer, making a list, meditation, mindfulness matters, my home my rules my way, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, what matters most?

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Summer, The Art of Being

Start With One Step

August 6, 2017 //

To change the world
It starts with one step
However small
First step is hardest of all
Once you get to your gate
You will walk in tall

by Dave Matthews Band

I start the morning with music. Yesterday was a good day of self-care, and housekeeping. Needful things. I woke feeling rested and cared for, with the smile left over from visiting my Traveling Partner still lingering at the edges of my mood. So far, another good day. These good days are not coincidental in my life, I build them with my choices, and my results vary. Oh, that’s not to say that circumstances can’t (they do) intervene and change the course of a day for the worse (or for the better), it’s just that over time I have learned how much power over the quality of my days I actually do have. It’s enough. It’s more than enough, generally.

Today is a work day. A day in a life. A day of choices and practices. A day of moments and opportunities. It could be any day of so many. Where will it take me? What will I do with it? Will it go to waste, lost among bad choices and disordered thinking? Will I build lovely memories from a quality experience? Will I commit to action, but find myself resenting it as “wasted time”, wanting instead to play? Will I snatch the chance to meditate in the evening from the waiting clutches of more moving in that could be done?

Last week was a reminder that my choices are my own, and that how I make them is what my week – and my life – are built upon. I all but gave up on self-care trying to force everything I thought needed to get done into the limited time I had available to me. I ended up exhausted, aggravated, and too tired to follow through on the entirety of my original plan for the weekend. Lesson learned? I’d like to think so, but it’s doubtful. I’m a human primate. I’ll need more practice. 🙂

Today I’ll meditate in the morning. I know this works for me. I’ll have any dishes started before I’m out the door. The bed will be made. The garden will be watered. I’ll have had my coffee, my oatmeal, a shower, brushed my teeth, and fed the fish. I’ll make a point of hitting the gym at work for some strength training, and get a good walk in over my lunch break. I’ll get home after work… and the evening will be mine. Then what? I don’t really know all that yet; I’m satisfied to have mornings more or less worked out at this point. lol

I notice I’m tugging at a jagged bit of cuticle. In the dry hot weather, my cuticles have begun to split in places. I fuss with the edges mindlessly, often. I try to stop that behavior when I catch it. The effort required is hard to adequately describe, even after a lifetime of partners, friends, and family members nagging me about it. I make the effort of will this morning. Put myself on pause. Actually fully mindfully stop myself… but then, I have to also stop writing, also go get the little cuticle nippers to trim that up so it isn’t so tempting… again with the damned verbs, right? lol Yep. There are always verbs involved, somehow this is true even of the things I want not to do.

Oh hey – it’s already time to begin again. 🙂

Tags a day in a life, ACT, be the change, begin again, choose wisely, emotional self sufficiency, good self-care, here now, I am my own cartographer, MBSR, meditation, mindful living, mindfulness matters, perspective, practicing the practices, ptsd, relationships, show me love, so human, sufficiency, taking care of me, TBI, The Art of Being, the benefits of good self-care, The Big 5, the map is not the world, there are verbs involved, walking my own path, what matters most?, you might die trying

Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, gardening, Healthy Living, Love, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Home Making

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Every Bit As Human

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In Brief

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Staying on Task

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Start With One Step

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