Archives for posts with tag: TBI
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »

Change and Change Again

March 16, 2023 //
1

It’s the first morning I’ve had any “writing time” in what seems like a very long while, although it has only been 6 days. “Only” 6 days? It’s been nearly a week! I am struck by how long it actually has been, even as I observe how little time that is, from another vantage point. I try to think about what I was doing before last weekend that would have halted my writing in that way, and finding myself a bit lacking. I startled myself with an abrupt bark of a laugh in this quiet early morning space. Right. That was it…

…The same events that changed the entire character of the “department on-site get together” I went to the city for this week had also altered the flow of my days last week. Just that; work. There it is, though; change. Change is…

What had been planned as a fun sort of re-calibrating/re-charging sort of get together of colleagues who rarely meet IRL or work together collaboratively in a shared physical space in a single time zone became a tactical gathering of professionals doing what they do in an extraordinary way to meet extraordinary needs. Instead of a handful of structured pleasant meetings, ice-breakers, team-building exercises, and after hours get-togethers and social activities, it was work. A lot of work, long days, fast-paced and very demanding, and we were mostly all too exhausted to do much partying. Most of the structured strategic planning or informational sessions were just cancelled, and others were re-planned to be recorded content for later consumption. Many of us didn’t make it to any after hours activities at all; too tired. I put in about the same hours in 3 days this week than I generally do in an entire week. lol The week is not over.

I’m not even bitching about any of this. It was amazing to see the team come together as a well-coordinated effective professional powerhouse. We got so much done that was needful and even urgent. Pretty cool. (I would not want to try to sustain this kind of intensity or pace, it would quickly be exploitative and abusive.)

I’m so glad to be home again! I feel rather as if I was very far away for a very long time, although I was only gone 3 nights, and I was only 47 miles away. My Traveling Partner missed me. I missed him. (So much!) We enjoyed a lovely chill evening together. It was nice to cook a simple meal in my own kitchen (we had hot dogs). It was so good to be in my own bed, again. 😀

I’m only half un-packed, and I’m sitting here sipping my coffee thinking about how to most easily pivot from getting laundry done and unpacking to repacking for my wee coastal holiday next week. (So soon!) There was nothing restful about the trip to the city I just returned from, and although I missed my Traveling Partner enough to consider (briefly) canceling my coastal getaway, I know I actually really need to take some proper time for myself, to rest and recharge. I’m so tired! LOL A couple days on the coast, sleeping in, writing, reading, drinking coffee, walking the beach – it will be a healthy investment in my wellness and resilience.

I sigh out loud, remembering an errand I need to run today and making a point of putting that “top of mind”. I feel my attention tugged in the direction of planning the day. It must be time to begin again… 😀

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, gratitude, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships

Breathe, Exhale, Relax

March 10, 2023 //
0

Another morning. Another Friday. Another cup of coffee. 😀

I sat down with other thoughts, but as the minutes passed my thoughts just sort of … dissipated. I’m left with this pleasant quiet moment and this cup of coffee. It’s enough. I feel contented, and I am safe and warm inside, while a strangely snowy rain falls steadily outside.

I woke too early. Headed to the co-work space early. I was hopeful my Traveling Partner would be able to get some additional rest (he was already up when I woke), but based on the continued conversation via text, I guess he was not able to go back to sleep. I sip my coffee hoping he has at least had enough rest to support the needs of his day. I’m tired, but not groggy (which is nice), and I would have happily gone back to sleep after getting up to pee at 04:25, but his audible exclamation of relief that I was “finally” up fueled a decision to, instead, properly get my day started a bit early. I’m not cross about it; should be a short day, today.

I think about the weekend ahead. What will I do with it? What will we do with it together? Sunday evening I’ll head into the city for a work “on site” event that spans a couple days, before returning home Wednesday. The week after that I’ve got a couple days on the coast planned. I find myself hoping he is easily able to sleep while I’m gone.

My back aches from the cold chilly weather. My face hurts because my occipital neuralgia has flared up. My head aches, but, honestly, when doesn’t it? It’s all just physical pain. Noise. I breathe, exhale, and relax – which rarely seems to actually reduce the pain I’m in, but sometimes does sort of “push it off to the side” and render it rather harmless. I take time to meditate. Do some yoga. I feel ready for the day ahead. It’s a good feeling.

I yawn and queue up a study playlist – maybe this week I’ll take my next certification exam? Life itself doesn’t give us many “credentials” for basic adulting or successfully thriving… but “credentials” are out there for the taking, on a wide variety of topics and skills, in many areas of human endeavor. Feel like you need one? Go get it! Do the coursework. Do the study. Take the test(s). Looks great on a resume – and feels pretty good to complete. 😀 What are you interested in? Are you learning that? If not, why not? What are you waiting for? You’ve got the entire internet in front of you and you’re sitting here with me? Ready this? I promise you my feelings will not be hurt if you choose, instead, to go learn something that could have a significant payoff in skills, ease, or enjoyment of life – or even money. lol Do you.

The day begins to break through the pre-dawn gloom. It’s snowing now (again). The sky is gray. It’s time to begin again.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, winter

Well, Figure It Out!

March 9, 2023 //
0

This morning I sat down with my coffee and the recollection of a simple task I had reminded myself to handle this morning. Easy stuff. Add a profile picture to an email account. No problem. On it. But… no. It wasn’t that simple. I appeared not to have administrative access to those details, directly. Wild. Am I not an administrator on this account, I wondered? I checked. Nope. I am an administrator… should be able to do this… what am I missing…

I get a log in prompt… no saved password. Well, shit. What was that password? I noodle around awhile unsuccessfully. I drink more coffee. I go do something else. I come back to this task. I repeat those steps and a few others.

I started to become frustrated, then paused. Walked around the block. Came back to my desk thinking about the context in which the email account with the profile I was looking to update was created, just this week… I found my success almost by mistake, looking at a sticky note with a password jotted down, crossed out, rewritten; I had been figuring out what the password would be, and went through a couple iterations. I didn’t think it would have been for this email account (for which I had failed to save the password on my computer)… but the timing was similar… so… I tried that one. It worked.

Here’s the thing; we go through this life without clear instructions, and without a map to guide us. Doesn’t matter if you follow some strict belief system with rules laid out explicitly or not – we’re largely on our own and making most of this shit up. True of hiking new trails, finding a new apartment, building a new relationship, or yeah, even setting up new email accounts. We don’t always have all the information we may need. Our decisions are not made in advance, generally. Our results will vary. The outcomes are not certain. It’s not always a given that someone else will have an easy answer for us, even when we know what questions to ask (and we often don’t).

…Sometimes we’ve just got to figure it out…

(No, I’m not saying it’s “easy” – it fucking isn’t.)

Begin again. Try something else. Approach the thing differently. Give it a rest and come back to it. Work at it. Take notes. Maybe just move on from it if the struggle subtracts all remaining value from the potential achievement. There are verbs involved – count on it.

“Success” isn’t even always about what we think it is… sometimes it’s about the decision-making to “cut our losses” and just do something else. lol

Figure it out. You’ve got this. One way or another…

Are you ready to begin again? 🙂

Tags , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, solo hiking, The Art of Being, winter

The Upsides of Down Time

March 8, 2023 //
0

I am sipping my coffee and thinking about the day ahead. Time to see the eye doctor again and get a new Rx for my glasses. Routine. I recall other errands I need to run and tasks I committed to handling. The day suddenly feels busy. I glance out the windows – it’s snowing. lol What the hell? It’s March! 0_o

Next week I’ll be in the city a couple days for a work thing. It’ll probably be more fun than not, and I’m almost looking forward to it… but what I’m really looking forward to is that the week after that, I’ve got an entire week off for Spring (and it’s snowing?!). I’ve planned to spend some of that on the coast with my camera and my thoughts. The rest I am eager to spend with my Traveling Partner, just hanging out and being friends, lovers, and companions. 🙂

The snow continues to fall. I hear sirens somewhere not-too-distant.

I’m definitely due for some down time. Not because I chronically overwork myself or fail to ever take the time I need; I’ve gotten much better about that over the past few years. I’m tempted to say I’m good at getting the down time I need… mostly. It’s true that I’m decently good at it these days. It’s also true that I have to work so hard at that, that I sometimes need to take it a step further and just make a point of really being entirely alone at least occasionally, for a bit more time – like, days. I’d just pack my gear and go camping, but the weather isn’t my idea of “well-suited” for that purpose with all this cold and snow and stormy crap. lol

I breathe, exhale, and relax; even thinking about the planned trip to the coast that feels suddenly so imminent is enough to put me in a good mood, and release the stress from my shoulders, and from my face.

My Traveling Partner pings me from home; he’s awake, and starting his day. I look at the clock. The sky is lighter, snow still falling. Seems a good time to begin again. 😀

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Anxiety, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, winter

Jigsaw Puzzle

March 7, 2023 //
1

I am sipping my coffee and waking up from a deeply restful, rare, uninterrupted night of actual sleep. I woke befuddled when the lights slowly came up (silent alarm clock). I felt disoriented, and uncertain why I was waking up…? It took me a minute to “place myself” in the context of day, date, and time.

I managed to get dressed and out the door without crashing into something or dropping something, or making a ton of noise; this surprises me. I’m grateful though – it likely means my Traveling Partner also got to sleep without being wakened by my departure.

I sat down at my desk with my coffee this morning without much thought about what to write. My thoughts were still filled with fragments of dreams, scattered about, disorganized, and fairly random seeming. I found myself beginning with those pieces… like a jigsaw puzzle. Individually they don’t amount to much, just the many details of a life being lived, you know? Assembled into a coherent whole, they begin to form a picture of this human being that I am in the context of this life, this location, and this moment in time.

…so many little details…

Like… I tried out my newest batch of shower steamers yesterday. Pleasant. Here’s a thing I noticed about both batches, though; the scent is a bit too subtle and understated (for me). I ended up doing a bit more homework trying to find something more measured and specific for the amount of fragrance needed than “X many drops“. Are they kidding with that shit? We’re grown folks here, I can take it; give it to me in fucking milliliters, please!? 0_o LOL I finally found a source with a clear measure; I was using about a third what I actually needed. Well. That explains a lot. lol

…I’m a human being still learning things. I hope I always will be…

Then there’s also my continued efforts to lose some excess weight, and regain some lost fitness. I’ve been logging my steps. Logging my meals. Logging my sleep. It’s not much effort; my wearable does a lot of it for me. There really are a lot of verbs involved nonetheless… I tend to enjoy “easy” when I can find it, though, and that sometimes results in far too little actual effort exerted than would be wise (seeing how I’d like to be fitter). I keep resetting and beginning again, and I keep making slow progress. Faster progress would be sweet to see, but the slow gains are more likely to be ones I can hold on to for the long-term. Again and again, I look my frustrations in the face and remind myself that incremental change over time can be … super slow.

…I’m a human being still trying, and still working out how to get things done…

I’m starting to feel more confident and secure in my new job. It’s good to feel more “settled in” and comfortable. Making a change of career so late in life feels a bit… awkward. Unsettling. Scary? Maybe scary, yeah. Feels good, too – more to learn, more opportunities to grow. New skills developing. New understandings of things I hadn’t previously been exposed to. It’s pretty wonderful in some respects. I sip my coffee and smile; it felt right at the time, and it feels right, now. 😀

…I’m a human being willing to change…

Being back in therapy has been good for me. It’s given me a sort of “safety net” for dealing with deeper traumas, and for talking over shit that’s on my mind that would only serve to disrupt the harmony of my relationship to bring it up casually along the course of a day. My Traveling Partner is not (and cannot be) my therapist.

…I’m a human being willing to seek the help I need…

I remember the leftovers in the fridge from dinner last night; I’d planned to have those for lunch today. I forgot to grab that container on my way out this morning. LOL

…I’m a human being, being human…

I smile and yawn, and sip my coffee. I feel contented on a Tuesday, and filled with a certain hopefulness. Feels good. It’s a nice starting point from which to begin again. 😀

…Don’t forget to make time to appreciate the small things that make you who you are on the journey to become the person you most want to be; it’s a nice way to begin a day.

Tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,
Categories Allegories, Brain Injury, breathe, Free Will, gratitude, Healthy Living, inspiration, Metaphors, Mindfulness, Moments, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Practices, The Art of Being, winter
« Older Entries
Newer Entries »