Archives for posts with tag: The Art of Being

No one person can possibly know “all the things” there are to know. No one person can even know all the things that have accumulated in the body of documented human knowledge – it’s just too much for one person to hold onto within the confines of a single mind, and one lifetime. We’re born knowing basically nothing, and with a characteristic curiosity that leads us to quickly begin learning, and continue (if we don’t halt the process) throughout our lives. Some people eagerly embrace learning, and consume new knowledge from a variety of sources. Some people have to be prodded into learning, once some basics are learned that get them by in life. Some people furiously resist new knowledge, if there’s any chance it may unsettle what they already think they know. We’re interesting creatures, and there’s quite a bit of variation in our interest in knowledge, what we’re capable of learning, and what we choose to care about.

Life is very much an open book test, after a fashion. We each have the chance to address our own ignorance live, in real-time, through an almost ludicrous assortment of means and resources. Don’t know the answer to some question? Don’t have a solution to some problem? More than ever the fix could be as simple as “looking it up” – somewhere – or asking someone who knows (or thinks they do). What an incredible luxury to have so much stored knowledge available more or less on demand.

…Remember encyclopedias? I remember…

…Remember vast shelves of hardbound books with fine print, spanning floor-to-ceiling, row after row, almost having a visible “vanishing point” or horizon in huge elegant libraries populated with quiet folks, head-down, reading things? (They still exist… when was the last time you went to a library?) I used to go to the library all the time…

I’m sipping my coffee thinking about libraries, books, and knowledge, and all the many resources that exist for answering unanswered questions. I’m thinking about “lifelong learning” and the power of learning to “keep us young” (cognitively). It’s only just now daybreak, and the sunrise is still in the future by some small amount. Another sip of my coffee, and I find myself considering how easily an encyclopedia becomes “out of date” compared to the living body of knowledge stored on servers, on “the cloud”, and archived digitally. There was a time when a good encyclopedia was about as “state of the art” as stored knowledge got – compressed into smaller pieces, widely available as resource in most any library, it was where so many of us found information on some topic, person, or place when we needed it.

Now? Just “google it”… “Google” even became a verb for that activity of searching for something using a search engine online. LOL In spite of how much knowledge is so easily available, somehow we still haven’t eliminated misinformation, nor have we “learned all there is to know”, nor have we even mastered who and what we are as creatures, nor fully understood the world we live in. Wild. All that knowledge and we’re still ignorant primates muddling along adding to our available knowledge without being able to consume it all.

…I sit with my coffee and my thoughts, watching the sky slowly shift from darkness to shades of gray with a hint of blue, to something bluer and less gray, as the clock ticks away the moments until the sun rises…

After talking over my self-care needs and “where I’m at” with my Traveling Partner, I planned some downtime and reserved a room on the coast at a favorite (and inexpensive) spot with good views and easy beach access. It’ll be good to get some quiet time for myself listening to the wind and the waves, and watching the tide come and go – and only a week away! 😀 I’m getting better at this self-care thing…

I watch the traffic on the streets below making the trip around the park block below the office window. It’s rather like some peculiar merry-go-round of commuter traffic as cars turn left on these one-way streets, looking for a choice parking spot. The street car also goes around this block, as it doubles-back to return the way it came, but a block over. Humans being human, in the machines they’ve created. I finish my coffee, contemplating what it means to be human in this moment. I guess it’s a good one to begin again…

I’m sipping my coffee and thinking about words.

Specifically, I’m thinking about the sloppy way headlines or thumbnail titles are often written, misusing words like “and” or “but” – they aren’t really interchangeable, generally. Same with words like “how” and “why” – these are not synonyms and have very different meanings in a statement or in a question. Headlines that profess to tell “why” something is happening, or matters to the viewer (or reader), for articles which actually only describe that it is happening and maybe how it is happening are distinctly (and irritatingly) misleading. Don’t get me started on headlines that use words to attempt to force the reader (or viewer) into making a shared assumption about something without ever actually proving that it is so. Damn I hate that shit. An example might be “Learn why doctors won’t prescribe this drug!”, for an article that never gives an answer to the question “Why won’t doctor’s prescribe this drug?” and also doesn’t actually support the (often completely bullshit) assumption that this is even the reality of the situation in the first place. It’s super common. “Clickbait” headlines are often rife with misleading nonsense assumptions and unanswered implied questions. Read with care. Think your own thoughts. Have your own (well-informed, supported by reality) opinions. Don’t take the bait.

…I have no idea why this is on my mind this morning, but it has been since I got in the car and headed into the city…

I sigh quietly to myself and sip my coffee. There’s nothing I can do about bad writing habits besides complain about them pedantically (in spite of my own bad writing habits), and since that achieves nothing aside from mild amusement (maybe), I guess I’ll just let it go. There are other ways to spend my time, and other things to think about. lol “…a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing.” 😉

Yesterday evening was a “short one”, in the sense that the commute home was unexpectedly long (thanks, Union Pacific!) due to a train parked across multiple intersections in the downtown area, blocking traffic at rush hour. I was pretty well stuck where I was until the train moved, and then I was in the thick of rush hour traffic (which I usually miss by timing my departure such that I’m not in the middle of the worst of rush hour traffic). I grabbed cheap cheeseburgers on the way home, instead of cooking a meal (as had been my plan). I was tired – so tired – when I got home that the evening is mostly a blur.

I went to bed more or less at my usual time, but failed to lay out clothes for the morning, forgot that there was a planned internet maintenance outage last night that would affect my alarm, sort of “overslept” in the sense that I woke up precisely on time instead of early (I think a noise woke me?)… forgot to put my wearable on… left the house still half-asleep and if not actually groggy, for sure fucking stupid as hell. Confused. Strangely, I got to the office feeling awake, alert, and well-rested. I feel content, calm, and relaxed. It seems a good morning. My planned workload for today is something I enjoy, and which will occupy my time most of the time quite pleasantly. A good Tuesday.

Daybreak evolved into morning some time ago, though I’m not sure “where the time went” – no watch on my arm, but how can that even have anything to do with my “sense of time and timing”? It seems irrelevant. What a weird morning.

“Words matter.” I mean, yeah, generally… but maybe not these words, eh? Just some random nonsense, spilling out of a mind that woke strangely into a new day… and I’m being kind to say so. LOL Not my best work and yet here you are! Thank you for that. I appreciate you. I guess the point is simply to move on, be in the moment, present, here for it, and doing my best. If things go sideways, I can begin again. 😀

I woke ahead of the alarm, this morning. I got going and headed up the highway a bit earlier than usual, enjoying the lack of traffic. I’d love to say I drove mindfully, fully present in the moment, but… it wouldn’t be true. My head was still in the garden, after delightful weekend hours planting and planning, and putting to good use the seed starters my Traveling Partner had 3D printed for me, for such crops as will be planted later, in warmer weather.

2 of 4 seed starter sets (translucent covers not pictured), with re-usable inserts that separate into two sections for easy removal of tender seedlings for planting.

Much of the drive this morning was spent entirely in my own head, having imagined conversations with family and friends no longer available in life for such conversations, at all. I miss sharing the details of the garden and gardening with my Dad, with my Granny, with my dear friend… It’s okay, I guess, the conversations would be much the same as previous such conversations had been, and it’s easy enough to replay them in my head, and imagine sharing the new details of this garden, and this Spring. New roses. New herbs. New ideas. In a sense, it isn’t “new” at all, more part of a seasonal cycle that repeats each year, embraced by those that love it so.

New plants waiting to be planted.

I do share what’s going on in the garden with my Traveling Partner, and he’s a wealth of good ideas and insights, but whiling away endless hours talking about this variety versus that variety, or what specifically to plant in that corner over there isn’t really his thing, so much. lol I’m okay with that; we each have our own things to share and to do, and there’s always much to discuss about the things that interest us both equally. A passing conversation about the garden, a quick update, and a shared moment are quite satisfying, and I’m grateful to share them with him. I do miss the conversations with Granny about the various herbs, and the kitchen gardens and medicinal gardens of her youth. I miss the eager excited exchanges with my dear friend about garden plans and new roses, and her delight over pictures shared over the years. I miss my Dad’s amusement that what had been such drudgery for me as a kid has become something I truly love as a grown woman, and our conversations about the garden as a metaphor, and how we change and grow in life.

So, I drove into the city with my thoughts. It was a pleasant drive, and as I reached the city I found myself wondering what I need most to take care of this fragile vessel, right now? Do I need “down time” at home, in the garden, and more shared connected time with my Traveling Partner? I can easily make a strong case for that. Do I need “down time” in the form of a short getaway, a chance to fully immerse myself in my own thoughts, to read, to write, to paint, to enjoy the stillness of solitude? I feel that, too. I’m in a peculiar “in between place” with myself, and I’m not at all sure what will serve best to satisfy moments of restlessness or ease the internal chaos. I reflect on that and sip my coffee, as daybreak arrives, revealing a cloudy sky.

…Is it too soon for comfortable camping…?

…Can I get an affordable room on the coast and watch the tide come and go for a day or two…?

…Do I even want to be away from the comfort of home at all…?

…Every day away from home is a day away from my garden, and it’s Spring…

I sigh out loud, feeling mildly annoyed with myself. I’d email my dear friend and get her thoughts on it, but… she’s not replying to email, these days, and no longer answers texts. We are mortal creatures, and it’s damned inconvenient, sometimes. :-\

My thoughts bring me back to missing departed dear ones, far away friends, and fond memories of other times and places, other gardens. I sip my coffee as the dawn becomes day. I remind myself to bring up my “what to do about me?” questions with my Traveling Partner; he’s always got useful perspective and good ideas to share. I’m very fortunate to have a partner who supports me taking care of myself properly, and doesn’t grief me over needing time away, when I do. He sees me from a different perspective than I see myself, and I often find his thoughts quite useful for improving my perspective.

…I think of my Traveling Partner, hopefully still sleeping, and my heart fills with love. I’m very fortunate. I sip my coffee and finish this moment with gratitude and quiet joy, and thoughts of garden tasks yet to be completed. The work day stretches ahead of me, and the afternoon on the other side will be another chance to be in the garden for some little while. I smile, and get ready to begin again. 😀

Another new day, and I’m feeling good about it. It’s a Friday, my calendar is pretty light, and it’s payday – all practical details that are a suitable foundation to a pleasant morning. It’s early, not yet daybreak. The office is very quiet, and I’m working with the lights out, letting me see the nuances of the sunrise, when it comes. I’m sipping my coffee and thinking of moments, and of people. I’ve got a song stuck in my head, which I woke with. It’s one that my Traveling Partner plays for me, and hearing it fills me with warm affection and a sense of romantic connection. My inbox is full of email from friends, replies to recent emails I sent to them. I’m eager to take time to reply to each one, but that moment is not now.

…Nice start to the day…

I sip my coffee, and consider the day, the moment, the upcoming weekend, the things that matter most to me, and dear friends (most of whom are quite far away, these days, others who are nearer… well… we all behave as though we’re far away, anyway, welcome to the 21st century).

I drove into the city wrapped in a soft misty rain. I smile thinking about it; it’s the sort of rain a garden full of tender sprouts and seedlings really loves. The thought carries me to my garden, and I think about the rose that has arrived, and is ready to plant, and I think about which seeds can now be sown (is it time to plant beans?) and reminding myself to get out there and weed the flower beds before the friend who cuts my lawn undertakes the task (being helpful) – he isn’t reliably good at telling the seedlings of young flowers from the seedlings of weeds (me either, sometimes, but I do know where I’ve put seeds). I grin at my eagerness to do this bit of manual labor; as a kid at home, it was one of my absolute least preferred chores to find assigned to me on a weekend day! Funny how we grow to embrace some of the things we hated growing up. Time in the garden as a kid was just a lot of unpleasant toiling with no value to me personally (that I could understand at the time). Now, time in my garden is my time, well-spent, appreciated, and thoroughly enjoyed – and not in spite of the work involved, but often because of it. My garden, my time, reflecting my thinking and choices, and done with love to be shared with my Traveling Partner (who isn’t so into it, but loves it along with me, because I love it so much).

…My thoughts about the garden carry me back to my thoughts about love, and friendship, and the moments we choose to share with those dear to us. I put the song that’s stuck in my head at the top of my playlist and hit “play”; it’s time to begin again.

I’m taking an afternoon break. I pretty much had to; my brain started shutting down. I found myself staring intently into the distance without seeing anything, just sort of attracted to the light. My mind was still – too still – and my thoughts were vacant abstractions and vague ruminations. “Cognitive fatigue”. I recognize it when I feel it. I got up, stretched, moved around some. Drank some water. Made a cup of tea, which sits here, half-consumed though I don’t recall actually drinking any of it. I feel… disconnected. Disengaged. Something like, but not quite, sleepy…

…Fucking hell, I’ve got shit to do… don’t I? I sigh outloud. (I sound frustrated and impatient with myself.) I have been trying to “shake it off” for some minutes, now. I suppose I could “give in to it” and lay down on the couch in the lounge space of the office, where I’m working today, only… I already know I would not sleep, even a little. I’m not actually “sleepy”. My mind is tired, yes. My body? Not so much. Hell, I went to bed early last night, slept more or less through the night, woke mostly pretty well-rested (although rather groggy)… what the hell is this shit?? “I don’t have time for this!” I protest internally, knowing it won’t do any real good… that’s not how one overcomes fatigue. lol

…I try taking a short walk and getting some fresh air…

This has been a peculiarly intense work week. Not bad, and for sure I’ve gotten a lot done, and most of that well-ahead of required timing or deadlines. Nice problem to have, I guess. There are no holidays with long weekends in March. None in April on our work calendar, either… Memorial Day in May feels a long time away, and I find myself wondering if it is time to go camping, or head to the coast for a couple days of quiet time reading, writing, and walking the beach…? I know my Traveling Partner is super bored at home, as he continues his recovery; he’s finally starting to feel more himself as his injury heals, and this will soon mean he doesn’t need as much help from me on day-to-day basics supporting him. Am I just… tired? It’s a lot to handle, and he’s incredibly kind and gracious and careful not to overburden me (I’ve got limitations of my own) – but it’s not likely to be a surprise if I’m just hitting a “stall point” from fatigue building up over time. I find myself thinking “when was my last getaway…?” and realizing it has only been a handful of days, really; I went down the coast to visit my dear friend before she died…

…Suddenly the tears start to fall…

Okay, so I’ve failed to account for the emotional fatigue of also managing grief in the mix of all of everything else, I guess? I kind of feel like I’m mostly sort of “over it”… more or less… mostly… but… that isn’t really how grief or grieving works, is it? The tears are just steady falling at this point, and I just fucking let them. My dear friend – one of my dearest, and for such a very long time – deserves every honest tear I shed in her memory. So human. What else can I possibly offer her now?

…Definitely just straight up crying now…

…This almost feels hormonal…

…Fuck I’m just so g’damned tired “lately”… (how much “lately”? I don’t even know, maybe just today…)

…But what do I need from me? Well, shit. I actually just don’t know, and can’t seem to kick my brain back into gear, and now I’m dealing with tears, too. So I do what I can – what I have to get done to finish the day. One task at a time, with care and consideration, after taking a healthy break, walking around the block, breathing some fresh air, drinking some clean cold water and a nice cup of tea… “Soon enough it’ll all be over,” I think to myself, then when I’m struck by how grim and final that actually sounds, I break up laughing out loud, tears still falling. I probably look like a hysterical madwoman, right about now, and I don’t even care – it’s just a very human moment. I’m tired. At least I’m fucking laughing, though… That’ll have to be enough, until I begin again.