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Being and Becoming

February 28, 2013 //
2

I’m building a regular practice these days whereby the last thing I do each night is meditate. Initially, I contemplate my day compassionately, observing it without analyzing it. I note if/whether there is some event, outcome, or theme that seemed most challenging, or most relevant to my current needs and commit to focusing on a single practice, behavior, or cognitive function the next day,  that may be an improvement on what I am doing now.  Then I let all that go – and just focus on my breathing.  I’ve been sleeping more deeply and restfully since I started doing that… I don’t know that those experiences are correlated.

Today I am focusing on letting small things go.  The most challenging moment I had yesterday was when an associate [who matters to me] interrupted me to say something to me in an incredibly insulting and dismissive tone, rich with condescension and derision, and full of assumptions about my level of knowledge. I was… insulted, hurt, briefly even angry. I struggled with it for a few moments at the time, but the social environment didn’t really permit actually addressing it with my associate directly in a comfortable way [that I know yet].  It still lingered in my memory pretty vividly that evening when I finished my day, so – focusing on letting small things go, today. 🙂 Maybe you don’t agree that being insulted that way is a ‘small thing’? Was I, though?  My associate’s assumptions about me, and their own world view, was the foundation of their reaction – does that really have anything to do with me, other than alerting me that they don’t know me as well as I thought they did – or as well, perhaps, as they think they do? That seems a very different thing than ‘being insulted’ – and I’d deal with it differently.  In the moment, my understanding of events was the result of my emotional reaction to words that were the result of a potentially significant misunderstanding.  I’m glad circumstances gave me time to think it over.

I spent the walk to work happily thinking art thoughts. I contemplated my journey as an artist so far, and considered what I would like to accomplish artistically this year. I observed the bare branches of deciduous trees along the walk, and their contrast against the rainy gray sky. I took note of russet leaves that litter the sidewalk on the way, their many shapes, and shades. I smiled at the lichens on the tree branches, and the moss in the cracks of the sidewalk. Many of the trees are just beginning to bud, or unfurl delicate new leaves. Spring is coming. I enjoyed a feeling of just being, as I walked, and becoming – with the spring – as each day unfolds. I’m eager to get to work in watercolor, again. It’s been a very long time.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

Words That Hurt

February 27, 2013 //
1

Words are powerful.  We even have words to dismiss the power of words (“sticks and stones may break my bones but names can never hurt me” is a good example). Words can hurt.  Words, in my experience, can be and often are used in ways that amount to abuse, even torture – ‘water-boarding the mind’.  I can give examples, from my own experiences in life. How about these:

  • You wretched, worthless child – god damn it,  can’t you do anything right?
  • F*ck, you’re stupid.
  • You’re a girl, you only have to be good at cooking and blowjobs.
  • I brought you into this world, I can take you out!
  • No one will ever love you like I do.
  • You can not survive without me.
  • You owe everything to me.
  • Without me you are nothing.
  • Well, some people have talent, I guess you have to do the best you can without it.

Words used to imply the threat of violence in the face of non-compliance…words used to punish, to damage, to confuse… we use words to communicate, but we also use words to control, and hurt each other. Words seem powerful indeed; they can deliver lasting damage without contact of any kind. And the more we hear the same words, the more believable the words seem to be. Eventually, slogans, phrases, ideas, even insults become internalized and part of ‘who we are’. Scary.

I know I’ve lashed out at people using words – mostly operating on a very harmful assumption that although hitting people is not ok, hurting them with words isn’t ‘violent’. Oh, but isn’t it?  Is the emotional pain we deal with as a byproduct of unhealthy relationships any less painful than any other sort of pain we feel? Is it easier or more difficult to heal? Something to think about… treating people well, by using language in an honest way, without the intent or will to cause harm, damage, punish, or control doesn’t cost anything, and immediately makes the world a better place for everyone.

Pursuing mindfulness is taking me some very interesting places as a thinking being.

A question for Wednesday – if you could choose a life free of guilt, worry, or resentment, would you?

I find myself inclined to immediately answer ‘yes!’  I admit, however, I have made a lot of choices that brought one or more of those my way pretty reliably.  Worry and guilt seem easiest to dispense with, from my perspective. Worry is about something that hasn’t, and may not, happen. Guilt is about something already in the past – and unnecessary when I am accountable for my actions, and willing to take ownership for mistakes. The resentment piece was where I started this morning – because I was very aware that I had none in that moment, and then… uncomfortably self-conscious that that seemed noteworthy! I found myself understanding how mindfulness could ease worry or guilt, and seriously puzzled by resentment in general.  Should resentment even exist if I ‘take care of me’? If I live honestly with my partners, communicating my needs clearly, and taking time to understand theirs? I have reached levels of resentment in prior relationships that aren’t even describable in a rational framework – because it makes no sense to have gotten to that point! Good choices, honest choices, and treating myself well – and compassionately – wouldn’t leave room for resentment, would it? Is there any moment of resentment that isn’t based on my own choices? Is resentment always self-inflicted? I have no answers, just something I plan to think about more. “Treating myself well” is beginning to look like a vista, not a challenge… and thinking more constructively about some things is having results I didn’t expect. Good ones. Artistic ones. Emotional ones.

Yesterday was a good day. The evening was hardly marred by feeling ill and being in physical pain; I stayed in-the-moment with that, which was a very new experience and quite different. I woke feeling better this morning.  Today seems like another good day… how much of this is me and how much is something other than me?  Do I have so much control over my experience, in fact, that good days come so easily when I don’t expect bad ones? More to think about… but for now, mindfully forward into Wednesday’s work.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50, Words

More Like a Pop Quiz Than a Final Exam

February 21, 2013 //
1

I really never understood ‘test-taking anxiety’ very well.  For me tests often feel very validating; I show up, sit down, answer some questions, and walk away feeling good.  Fortunately, life never seems to run short on opportunities for me to gain understanding through experience… and I will admit I don’t find 3am ideal for a pop quiz, but isn’t that the nature of the unexpected, and how better to set me up for a learning opportunity?

I slept ok last night, until I awoke shortly before 3am feeling incredibly anxious and unsure why. Deep breathing didn’t slow it down, so I got up…found myself surprised to be in the company of my partners; we were awake, one and all. There reached a point, some time later, where I sat quietly with one of my partners, a man of experience, wisdom, and a great deal of love, and whose insights I value beyond description. It is no small thing to me when he offers feedback relevant to my enjoyment in life, expresses frustration with tasks I am less skilled at than expected, or offers best practices for skillful relationship building – and similarly, when he praises me, I feel like it is a holiday. I am honored when he actually comments on my writing, or my art.

Back to that Pop Quiz… as my partner and I sat quietly, each wrapped in our own experience in that moment, he asked me “So… now that you’ve had this big epiphany you talked about in your blog, what are you going to do with it?” Wow. One question. One moment. I felt completely and utterly unprepared, as though I’d gone to school on a test day without reading the chapters, or doing the homework! I tried rather hopelessly not to babble, not to cover my feeling of utter lack of preparation – and I really felt that cool appraising gaze become just a bit more disappointed than supportive, clearly unimpressed with my unimpressive reply. Ouch. Failing grade. But something we’ve talked rather a lot about recently has been one of the principles of The 5 Elements of Effective Thinking…succeeding through failure. And one of the very important things I took away from reading Succeed: How We Can Reach Our Goals is that not all measures of success are appropriate to a given goal… and here I was facing something eyes open at 3am where I wanted very much to ‘show off’ that I was ‘ready’ or had already mastered this new thing… but I’m not there yet. Hell, I just grasped one simple concept I had previously failed to understand… I wasn’t ready for the Pop Quiz, unless the goal there was to demonstrate that I wasn’t finished learning. lol.

But success can be small things done well, improvements over time, and progress – and I’m still smiling this morning, because I am learning to see and accept those smaller successes and take pleasure and delight in each new thing I learn to do better than I used to – and today, instead of hiding from my anxiety and fear of facing my partner’s high expectations, and my own sense that I ‘failed an important test’, I took a moment to accept that I have more to learn, and that some of what I don’t know adversely affects my partners’ quality of life with me. Instead of ‘running away’ – I really took care of me, by admitting I wasn’t ready then, at 3am, and then I did what I hope takes better care of my partner, today, and reached out and asked to make time to talk together, so I can understand his needs, mine, and how best to meet the needs of his I am equipped to meet, and also take care of me in a way that is emotionally safe for my partners, and effective and sustainable for me. Simple right?? (lol)

This still feels like a good day…and I’m eager to learn more, and get a ‘re-test’ another day. 😀

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Turning 50, Words
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