This morning I did something for myself; I took the time to sit with my thoughts, just sipping coffee, enjoying the morning as it unfolded, moment by moment. Meditation. Reflection. Time spent with the woman in the mirror, while my Traveling Partner did his own thing in another room. No agenda. No pressure. No urgency. Just a woman, her thoughts, a great cup of coffee, and a couple leisure hours spent just “hearing myself think”. There’s a real chance I don’t do this often enough – it felt that good, just letting the thoughts come and go, random, sometimes loosely connected, other times not connected at all. Ideas, plans, whimsical notions – all coming and going like fluffy clouds on a mild Spring day. Time well-spent. I feel centered and calm. It’s nice.

I went on to do a bit of housekeeping, which is my usual routine on a Sunday. Re-arranged the bedroom that functions as a library and quiet chill-space; the curtains being added not only make the room very quiet, but they also provide an opportunity to really see the space quite differently. Moving things around may create a bit of chaos during nocturnal wanderings, until I’m used to where everything is now. The changes free up considerable space in the room, and the arrangement seems to make more sense in some ways (perhaps less so in other ways). It’s nothing of real consequence, but the day feels productive as a result.

My emotional wellness and mental health don’t do quite as well if my environment becomes very messy or chaotic. However much I attempt to make excuses for some small pile of paperwork, or stack of boxes in a corner, it’s very clear that these are details that really matter, and can become an impediment to being able to really thrive. Emotional self-sufficiency, in this case, demands real-world effort, and tackling the basics weekly fits decently well into my work schedule. I’m not always up to it – and that makes it doubly important that I don’t slack on the weekends that I’m physically able to work through the tasks on my “to do list”.

This weekend? I’m glad I took a long weekend. I’m in a lot of pain with the autumn weather (chilly and rainy) taking over, and being able to spread out a fairly long list of shit to do over 4 days instead of cramming it into 1 has really been something to appreciate this weekend. I’m probably already more or less “done”, for the day. Oh, there’s more shit on my list… I’m just not up to it. I’m done. The work? Not so much. I want to hold out enough in reserve to help my Traveling Partner with a household upgrade he had planned to do tomorrow, but might get to this afternoon; it’ll be helpful to know there’s an extra pair of hands at the ready, even if he doesn’t really need my help at all.

I guess the point, today, is that I’ve made a pretty consistent practice (today) of choosing to do some things specifically for me. Emotional self-sufficiency isn’t something I just “fell into” with any ease; I really have to work at it. In the abstract I don’t think of myself as a “people pleaser” at all (honestly? I’m “kind of a bitch”, I sometimes think, in spite of being steadfast about being considerate of other people, and I’m sort of “prickly” in interactions with strangers)… I definitely struggle to set healthy boundaries or communicate my limitations clearly and gently with loved ones. I’d ideally like to meet all the needs… do all the things… be there any time that would be helpful… and I’m just not able to do all of it, all the time. I hope to reliably do my best.

I hear my partner stir from his game. It’s quite likely time to begin again. 🙂