I got a nice walk in, early this morning. The scent of early blooming roses greeted me on my way out. My tinnitus followed me everywhere. It’s a new day.
looks like a nice one
I breathe exhale, and relax. New routine begins today. I wonder what that looks like? I’ve got more than typical flexibility for figuring that out, these days. I’m very fortunate. I sit quietly with that awareness, grateful. Life hasn’t always been so (relatively) easy. It’s a good idea to feast on that with humility and gratitude, and simple awareness. (Builds resilience for future more difficult times.)
My Traveling Partner pings me good morning, and the day feels like it has really begun. I feel hopeful, encouraged, and enthusiastic, in spite of this headache and my tinnitus shrieking and buzzing in my ears. First work day after my camping trip… feels weird. lol
…Anyway. It’s time to begin again, and see where the day takes me.
I’m waiting and drinking coffee. My Traveling Partner is having a procedure done. Mostly pretty routine, I guess, but we’ve both got some medical trauma, both struggle with some anxiety, and g’damn the morning started pretty early for this sort of thing.
…But I’m good at waiting…
I check work emails and get caught up on Slack threads I missed while I was camping and spending the weekend just enjoying my partner’s good company. I am proud of myself for taking my self-care care sufficiently seriously to really leave work behind for a few days. I needed that, though very little of my stress these days is anything to do with work. Work is fine. Satisfying. Productive. Adequately well-compensated. Life, generally, and more specifically concerns to do with health and wellness are a much bigger deal. I sigh to myself, and keeping drinking my coffee. It’s pretty good.
I feel pretty caught up on work within a mostly effortless half an hour or so bookmarking a couple items for tomorrow. Now the waiting properly begins…
…And, yeah, skillfully waiting is one of my “superpowers”. lol I’m fine with it. It’s a bit chilly here in the surgical center… I’m glad I wore a comfy warm, big, shapeless, favorite sweater. I feel well-equipped to wait a while. No sense of urgency or pressure, just some moments spent in my own head. As often as I find myself chasing time for my own thoughts, waiting feels like a gift more often than not, so long as I’m not also fighting “time pressure”, or someone else’s frustration with waiting.
I check whether prescriptions are ready for pickup… not yet.
Yesterday I embarked on an unexpected (somewhat spontaneous) adventure with my Traveling Partner. We’ve both been progressively more irked by and disappointed with the Windows OS, and both finding the increasingly vexing privacy limitations (and relentless harvesting of personal data without consent or remuneration) really objectionable – and finally settled on a suitable change. Not surprising that we’re going to a Linux OS. More surprising was my partner’s surprise that I was so eager to embrace that change! I’ve already removed Windows from “The Major” (my desktop computer) and installed Linux. Now I’ve got to install new (alternate) apps for this-n-that, and configure everything… overdue. Mostly pretty fun, although I would struggle with my frustration over small details without my Traveling Partner’s expertise to rely on when I get stuck (which is…often).
…Like waiting, change is…
…So… for now, it’s just me, this coffee, and some time spent waiting. Soon enough it’ll be time to begin again…
G’damn, yesterday kind of sucked. I was in so much pain that managing it required more effort than usual and I ended up spending a notable portion of the day just laying down. I didn’t get shit done… like, not anything, beyond making waffles for breakfast. Today I’m in less pain (so far), but my allergies are bad. I’ve already gone through an entire travel pack of tissues, and I’ve only been awake an hour and a half.
Yesterday didn’t go all that well, generally. Between my pain, my Traveling Partner’s pain, and various complications of managing chronic pain day-to-day, the result was an unfortunate amount of poor communication, inadequate mood-management, and vexatious terseness with each other that was the opposite of “getting along”. I’ve rarely felt so unwelcome in my relationship. I’m definitely not casting any blame; neither of us was up to delivering our best in the way of support, encouragement, kind words, affection, or even a welcoming presence, like, at all. It was unpleasant, but could have been ever so much worse. I sometimes wonder if we (either or both of us) fail ourselves – and each other – by being too tolerant or accommodating of poor behavior because we do both know just how much worse it so easily could be, because we’ve both had those other much worse experiences in prior relationships…? We for sure could potentially have done more, better, to treat each other well yesterday. We didn’t. We’re both quite human. It was on my mind when I woke this morning, and as I dressed and slipped out of the house with as much consideration for my partner’s sleep as I could muster.
I went to bed feeling frustrated and a bit peeved. I woke feeling only concern and love, and wanting to soothe my partner and invest positive emotional energy in the day ahead. Here’s hoping that works out for us both.
New day, new perspective, new opportunity.
I hit the trail feeling hopeful and stronger than yesterday, and substantially recovered from the exertion of my camping trip, and subsequent return. I feel up to tackling a good couple miles along the river and the edge of the marsh, and feel optimistic about following through on my list of shit yet to do, before the new week begins. Feels pretty good – definitely better than yesterday!
At my turn around point I sit for a few minutes listening to the birds and breezes, and the traffic in the distance. Memorial Day. Hey, I’m not feeling weighed down by grief and grieving, this year… remarkable. I sit with my feelings awhile. Gratitude and a moment to contemplate those who have fallen, with fond thanks, and soft sorrow… seems enough this year. I’m okay.
I sigh out loud, and breathe the Spring air deeply, taking in the scent of flowers. I think about my Traveling Partner, still sleeping at home (I hope), getting the rest he needs. The sun climbs higher, warming my shoulders as I sit, watching the river flow past. I hope today is mellow and cheery and relaxed. We both need that visceral experience of being wrapped in love and in the good company of someone dear to us. I’ll do my best to deliver… painfully aware that “my best” yesterday was not even close to “good enough”. How do I make ammends for my part in yesterday’s unsatisfying experience? I sit with my thoughts awhile longer…
I hear voices approaching from somewhere down the trail. Must be time to move on. lol I get to my feet, and prepare to head back to the car, and on to the next moment. It’s already time to begin again. Hopefully my results today are better than yesterday… they do vary.
I’m taking a few minutes, having a mid-morning, post-waffles, cup of tea (Smith’s No.120 Jasmine Nectar, which has a lovely delicate fragrance). The tea is quite good. The moment is… meh. It’s okay. Not great. Not terrible. Just a moment, and it’ll pass and I’ll move on to the next one. I’m in a ferocious amount of pain this morning, which colors every experience in spite of knowing how pointless and unhelpful it is for that to be a thing. I keep having to make a point of not allowing it to seep into every crevice of my awareness and experience. My results vary.
…The waffles were good, though…
I don’t feel inclined to finger-point, lay blame, or even “troubleshoot” this moment (or any previous, this morning), it’s not even about that. We’re each having our own experience. I’m pretty sure my Traveling Partner is in every bit as much pain as I am in, maybe more. That likely colors his experience, too. Probably best to simply acknowledge our individual and mutual discomfort and not take any of that at all personally. I sigh. Breathe. Exhale. Relax. (Fuck I wish I weren’t in so much pain, though… but at least the waffles were good…)
I think about the dishes that need doing. The laundry. Tidying up my office space in preparation for working from this location, generally. It didn’t sound like much to tackle when I woke up this morning. It seems almost too much, now. Nothing has changed but the amount of pain I’m in, and my perspective on the day (that is probably a lot to do with the pain I’m in). I’m glad it’s a long weekend… tomorrow may be better, but regardless, it’s at least another day to work on these “getting back to the day-to-day” sorts of details. I’ll be ready by the time the work week begins. I sure feel tired now.
I think about the wildflowers out on the coast and the ones on along the trail this morning. It’s interesting what a different assortment they are. I look for pictures, and only just now realize I didn’t take any this morning. I sort of just rather purposefully walked down the trail to “there”, and then back. It wasn’t a grim trudge, but it wasn’t notably joyful. I was just… existing. Doing a thing. I was already in pain.
I hear my Traveling Partner laughing in the other room. That brings a smile to my face, even though he’s been a bit cross this morning. He enjoyed the waffles, though – those were good, this morning. It was lovely to share that experience with him. Good waffles. 😀
…The waffles are gone. They were delicious. The moments pass. One by one they go from a moment of being to nothing more than a recollection. Impermanent. A small piece of a larger whole. Any given moment, however good, however difficult, is another chance to begin again. It’s something. It’s enough.
Breaking camp was pretty orderly, and time-consuming only because I chose to take my time and care for myself and the gear. The drive home was uneventful and I made pretty good time.
…Damn, I was sooo tired, though…
The afternoon and evening with my Traveling Partner were pleasant. It’s good to be home.
“The Alchemyst” in bloom when I arrive home.
Returning to the routine of day-to-day isn’t particularly strict or uncomfortable. I missed my comfortable bed, running water, my own bathroom (and not having to walk a distance to reach it). I’ve got a long Memorial Day weekend ahead of me, and I’m looking forward to spending it gently.
The weekend begins with accompanying my partner to an appointment. It was part of my plan, and not a surprise. Then we head home. There’s probably some grocery shopping to do… meal planning… put away the camping laundry (already washed and dried)… I’m not feeling overwhelmed by the growing list. My away time was deeply restorative. I needed it.
…Where will the day and weekend take me? I don’t know. I guess I’ll just follow my path and find out. I’d kinda like to go out for brunch… but I don’t think my Traveling Partner is quite up to that yet. Soon, maybe…
…I managed to spend 4 days camping without getting any insect bites… or so I thought. Apparently, I did get a couple my last day, and only noticed this morning. It’s just a couple bites, around where the top of my socks were, yesterday. I even remember a moment in the morning, as I got up, noticing a gap between my socks and the edge of my jeans, before I pulled my socks back up and the hem of my jeans back down, and thinking “I’m lucky I didn’t get bitten…” lol I did. I just didn’t feel it.
…What a good trip out. Well done restful, satisfying, and nurturing. I’m still smiling. Now it’s time to begin again.
Evening Light 