Archives for category: Anxiety
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Potential, Expectations, and Going With the Moment

January 30, 2013 //
1

I am having a very good day, so far. I feel well-rested, balanced, and happy. Contented. I slept last night.  I often wonder if this particular feeling is something that some large population of ‘other people’ take for granted because it is their everyday state of affairs… or if that is a notion based on wishful thinking and a lifetime of thinking ‘happily ever after’ is a reasonable goal? Today, and for some weeks now, I am not striving for, struggling with, or stressing over ‘happily ever after’. I’m working on skill building instead, and learning to accept and value my experience – all of it.

I sometimes deliver myself some pretty terrible hurts because any moment is potentially quite horrible (or to be fair, quite wonderful, or quite dull…), and while I generally expect to survive, whatever it is, I rarely allow myself to build expectations of wonder or delight.  When I have allowed myself the thrill of merry anticipation of a great experience, it seems I am often just destroyed by hurt and frustration when some little thing goes awry. I create a horrific see-saw of expectations and reactions based on a huge variety of potential experiences. I hurt with it. I have cried for hours bereft of a pleasure there was no guarantee of having in the first place. It seems pretty silly, from my vantage point of this last however-many-days… letting go of guessing at the potential outcomes, letting go of fearful what-ifs, letting go of implicit expectations of the extraordinary, delightful, or disastrous… and just being in the moment, and hearing and feeling and seeing. I wonder if I will get good at this? I still have to commit to it very specifically moment by moment, day by day, for now. I’m stunned at how much is going on around me that I routinely miss, or misunderstand.

Tangentially, I’ve begun walking to work regularly, again. It feels good to get back on track with my health and fitness goals. I had been commuting to work on foot regularly as part of my fitness routine, until a fall in the summer of 2011 injured me badly enough that walking any distance was both difficult and painful. Sometimes walking still is painful, but so far the 2.2 miles from home to work in the morning, when my ankle is rested and strongest, is comfortable and allows me to hit my 5-miles-a-day goal pretty easily.  I’m no fitness guru, I just want to be as healthy as I can be, and live a long, fit life. I’ve got some work to do, but I think calorie management, balanced nutrition, and regular exercise are good places to start.  I also find when I am walking my mind is free to wander in a very productive way on complex subjects, artistic whimsy, or highly emotional topics that need my attention. Walking meditation is a good fit for me as a being. Even when I’m agitated or very angry, walking is the thing I feel driven to do more than any other thing, and although I suspect that is more about ‘walking away’ or even ‘running away from home’ sensations than a healthy break from conflict or stress, I am generally able to put that time to good use gaining perspective and balance. Adding strength training back to my routine is next…maybe this weekend? I have an idea of ‘beauty’ in my head (that seems healthy and achievable) and I’d like to be that while I am still young enough to do so…which is to say, before I’m old enough to want to embrace a new idea of beauty for the woman I will become, then.

It was a quiet morning, this morning, and the feeling of safety and contentment linger. I hope it lasts the day, and if it doesn’t I will try to remember that because it exists right now, it has existed and will exist again. I’m enjoying the experience of feeling happy, and contented – and feeling safe to have those feelings.  I haven’t always had that feeling of emotional safety, and it is a wonderful feeling. It’s the relationships that matter on that one, but the relationship I have with myself didn’t offer much potential for a feeling of emotional safety until recently. Working on having a better relationship with myself, understanding myself, and accepting myself seem to be paying off in ways I didn’t expect – like smiling all through an ordinary Wednesday morning, even though there’s nothing spectacularly awesome going on. Right now it feels easy to treat people around me well, including me.

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Relationships

Bliss, Confusion, Fatigue, and ‘Real Life’

January 29, 2013 //
5

I had a great evening, yesterday, but a poor night’s sleep last night. I woke restless and anxious in the wee hours, and couldn’t put it to rest with meditation, yoga, or having a quiet contemplative smoke in the dark. I knew what I was anxious about – I’m just about finished moving, but there’s just a thing or two more to do, and I feel a noticeable and probably appropriate ‘performance pressure’ to manage the remaining tasks well.  Even at 49, I sometimes find myself inappropriately ‘eager to please’, like the small girl ‘helping Daddy with projects’ that I once was.  Is that ‘something to fix’? I often wonder; I’m rarely certain.

I’m tired. Four hours or so of sleep isn’t enough for my best emotional balance or cognition. I already know this about me. I want to learn to deliver my very best in spite of limited sleep – because sleep disturbances, nightmares, and insomnia are all part of my experience on a pretty frequent basis. I want to master treating people well, even on bad days.

Now I have MC Frontalot ‘Your Friend Wil’ stuck in my head.  I’m not surprised. I find hope for the world in the existence of Wheaton’s Law, in general.  I find dismay in the number of news articles published every single day wherein the subject matter is really not much more, or less, than someone being a dick to someone else. Seriously. What’s up with people being mean, or inconsiderate, the most common definition of ‘being a dick’, and what makes any one of us think it is ok when we, ourselves, are being dicks? I had considered linking to some of those very articles… discovered so many exceptional examples that doing so quickly looked like some sort of thesis research and less a blog post.  I challenge you to go directly to your favorite news source of a current events type and not find at least one article on the ‘front page’ that details someone being inconsiderate, rude, abrasive, insensitive, or mean at the heart of it.

I’m tired, I haven’t had enough sleep – but I am resolved to get through today without being a dick to anyone, especially my loving partners. I mean – wow – how ungracious would it be of me to celebrate the wonderful evening we shared last night by being a dick today? So, ok… back to that ‘mindfulness’ thing, I’m guessing.

I’m rambling, and feeling vaguely that I ‘owe you an apology’ for it… my focus and cognition suffer when I’m fatigued. I guess that’s true for everyone, but I know that with my starting point today I will want to be extra cautious with my behavior later, when I’m more tired, or risk irrational mood swings or tantrums. I wish I understood more clearly which pieces of my puzzle are my brain injury, my hormones, or my PTSD…although…I don’t know that the information, if I had it, would change my experience.

I really want to get completely settled in to my new home and paint. I am struggling to express certain things – to myself, I suppose, more than to someone else, and I know I hear me so clearly in texture and color.

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Categories Anxiety, Art, Brain Injury, Logic & Reason, Menopause, Perspective, Relationships, Sleepless Nights

A Test, a Pizza, a Wonderful Day

January 26, 2013 //
1

Living mindfully is still something that feels like a challenge. I’ve spent a lot of my lifetime in my own head trying a lot of strategies and deceits and games with myself to somehow make the things that hurt seem just a little less part of who I am, and it has cluttered up my emotional landscape and complicated my everyday life. I’m trying something different these days, and this blog is actually a piece of that. I’m trying to connect more with people directly, including myself, and less through technology. I’m also learning to savor my experiences in the moment, good and bad, in an effort to make them more profound and meaningful, and maybe free myself from the past. So… no blog post yesterday, because life had my attention in a very real and immediate way, and was certainly worth experiencing in fullness.

Years ago I gave up driving. I had moved to an area with good public transportation, and I was no longer enjoying the experience of driving, so I gave up my car when it died, and gave up driving, too. That was… 1999, I think. So, here it is, 14 years later, and yesterday I got my driver’s license. It was kind of a wow moment, especially because I scored really well and made very few mistakes.  I’m excited to have such a fundamental piece of decision making and freedom of movement back. I spent the afternoon window shopping with one of my partners, and we got an amazing pizza and took it home for dinner. We spent the evening hanging out as a family, and it was definitely the sort of evening that puts the fun in Family Fun Time! Great music, great conversation, more love than words exist to describe.

Right now I’m wrapped in weekend life; doing laundry and housework, catching up on correspondence, hanging out with my loved ones, and just generally enjoying my experience. It’s very nice. It’s … serene. And satisfying. I am, in this moment, right here, right now, very happy. Right now, that’s quite enough to make ‘everything’ seem alright.   This is a very good experience.

Categories Anxiety, Perspective, Relationships

Connectivity

January 24, 2013 //
4

Even in the digital age, we are each having our own experience.

I know I’m having my own experience, because so much of it is entirely unshared, and in some cases perhaps even un-shareable. By the end of 2012 I was well on my way to a full collapse of my understanding of myself, emotionally, intellectually, philosophically, even historically.  Choices that once seemed obvious, had become questionable beyond the point of my own ability to consider the questions with clarity, my anxiety had become unmanageable, an event in the news hit my consciousness and destroyed a big piece of my everyday understanding of my sexuality, my hormones march ever onward toward menopause, and new information about my own experience came to light, leaving me confused and introspective as I entered the new year. What a new year it has been, so far… If the value of time and events is measured in their intensity, impact, and significance, then 2013 may well prove to be one of the most important years of my life…my life. My experience. I rather doubt that most people around me have any real awareness of my internal turmoil, even my partners. They are also having their own experiences.

I find it complicated when I work on my priorities, my goals, or try to identify my needs and wants in a clear and simple way because, although I am having my own experience, I am at least somewhat aware that my experience has elements shared with others. Our perspectives may differ, probably do differ, but those common elements become the foundation stones of shared understanding, conversation, emotional bonding, and a feeling of being connected. I like feeling connected, but it doesn’t always come easily to me. Lately, I often have difficulties feeling connected, even in very close relationships. The easy course of action is to attribute the difficulty to the challenge of the moment, whatever that may be, but when I’m honest with myself it is bigger than that, and needs my attention.

49 seems like an appropriate age for an identity crisis, I guess… but how does one connect with someone who isn’t sure who they are? I find myself wondering – acknowledging? – that it must be very hard on people who love me, and I manage a moment of sympathy and concern, before my mental nail-biting returns to figuring out the puzzle that is me. I struggle with figuring out what needs to be shared, what would be ‘over sharing’.  My friends, partners, or lovers are not my therapist, or parents, or authority figures, and respecting their boundaries, and our relationships, really requires that I not handle my issues in a way that nudges them into one of those roles… but I am also aware that the mental health industry might actually collapse if people really share their experience more openly with people who matter to them, there would be that much less demand for those services.  Connectivity and emotional support actually matter that much to day in and day out quality of life. (If it seems I’m being over-obvious, I’ll take a moment to admit that I didn’t understand that until relatively recently in my life.)  I want to cultivate a strong connection with people I care about; I don’t always know how.  It’ll sound strange to say, perhaps I’m phrasing it badly, but I’m not sure I know how to ‘make a strong connection with myself’ right now – that can’t make it easier to connect with others.

So…I am having my own experience, and you are having yours. Maybe trying to share mine isn’t the best route to take to feel connected right now… I think today I will explore trying to let go of how badly I need to be heard, and just listen. I may learn something about feeling connected.

Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Menopause, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Relationships, Turning 50

An Odd Quiet Moment

January 17, 2013 //
1

It’s been a tough few days. Actually, for me it has been a challenging few weeks, of soul searching, questions, doubt, insecurity, fear, anxiety, perspective altering information, gains, losses, love, Love, anger, disappointment – did I mention the fear, insecurity, and anxiety? It has been emotionally busy…difficult…painful…meaningful…and worthwhile and necessary.

This week I saw two loving beings be better than circumstances require, more compassionate, more rational, and more supportive under stress than people are expected to be. I saw some of the best that ‘civilized’ humanity has to offer one another. I am awed. Almost speechless with wonder – and appreciation that two such people are part of my life. I hope to live up to that example, myself. I’d like to turn 50 being the very best person I’ve ever been, able to make use of a lifetime of wisdom, and surrounded by people who love me.

Evening light…and a quiet moment. I am not alone tonight, I am surrounded by love and a significant measure of patience, and support. I won’t be writing long tonight, there isn’t that much left to say right now. There aren’t enough words to write enough thank you’s to express how I feel tonight. I think I could spell it ‘hopeful’.

Categories Anxiety, Perspective, Relationships, Turning 50, Words
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