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Some Days More Than Others

June 9, 2016 //
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This morning I woke wanting very much to write, while also feeling quite… directionless. Uninspired. I considered that awhile, and spent some time thinking over the events of the previous day. It’s still quite early. I slept well, deeply, and dreamlessly. I woke with a smile. Since then, anxiety has come and gone, and also a bit of queasiness, a headache, and restlessness. I’m not ill, and there’s nothing actually wrong; this is often what I put myself through when I am excited about something, and yesterday’s interview went that well.  A couple years ago, the end result would have been the complete destruction of a lovely day, more than likely, fueled by excitement I didn’t realize was excitement, and carried forward on the back of raw – if misinterpreted – emotion. I’d have been on edge, unaware of why, and prone to over-reacting and taking things personally. This morning, I am grateful for the improvement in emotional resilience and the reduction in volatility that I have experienced since I began practicing meditation, and practicing more mindfulness, more often.

It’s a cool gray morning, as if the sky would like to just ignore all the recent hot weather and pretend summer has not yet arrived. In this part of the country, at this time in Earth’s life, this is what summer is like. I am smiling, enjoying the cool morning, cloudy sky and all. I pay for the pleasure in a small way; the cooler weather aggravates my arthritis, which hasn’t been bothering me while the weather was quite summery and hot. I think about Fresno, and other hot places – life is very different in hot places, and I pause to really understand for a moment that in choosing this lovely climate as a full-time resident, I am also choosing to endure more pain. Choice is a funny thing, isn’t it? I think I am making one sort of choice, but often the choice I am making is also other sorts of choices bundled together… there is benefit in being more aware of that, more of the time. 🙂

Change is a verb - and also an outcome. Where does the path lead?

Change is a verb – and also an outcome. Where does the path lead?

My thoughts take a new direction. I’m okay with that. I’ve the day ahead of me to explore my thoughts, to meditate, to study, to paint. I may be back to work fairly soon – these days of leisure are incredibly precious, and this morning I am appreciating their value greatly. Today is a good day to take care of me, to invest in the well-being of this fragile vessel and the creature of light residing within. 🙂

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, pain, Perspective, Summer, The Art of Being

Welcome the Day

June 8, 2016 //
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I woke with my calendar on my mind today. It’s not quite so hot, and the thing most prominent in my thoughts is an interview scheduled a little later in the morning. The cool pre-dawn chill easily cooled off the apartment before the sun made its appearance.

A new day, a new beginning; each dawn potentially the cusp of an entirely different future.

A new day, a new beginning; each dawn potentially the cusp of an entirely different future.

My ‘to do list’ this morning looks very different than it has for some weeks. I already have butterflies in my stomach, and feel vaguely as if I am ‘waiting’ for the time to arrive, and then to be behind me. Good self-care practices serve me well this morning, and I go through the routine details of an ordinary work day with reliable comfort; it’s only an interview, but it is my work day as well. I feel prepared. There are last-minute things to fill my head with, like re-reading the details of the job posting itself, and reviewing interview notes from the prior interview call. My clothes are ready, my jewelry selected with care, my nails are done. I am entirely this person, and in this particular instance I am a person hoping to be a good fit – and not out of desperate need to be employed in this moment, but delightfully enough because the position itself looks like it may suit my nature, my skills, and be work I could be proud of, on a team providing a valued service to the community. That sounds pretty amazing… to potentially come home at the end of a long work day, feeling accomplished and proud of what I do, rather than exhausted and resentful of the drain on my physical resources, would be a remarkable (and welcome) thing.

Well…I could write all day to avoid the inevitable reality of getting my “work self” together for this interview I am actually eager to do. (What’s with the foot-dragging, Woman?) Delaying the tasks and activities supporting the morning and the day doesn’t really serve me well, and today I definitely need my best from me. 🙂 Wish me luck? I wonder where the day will take me? What does the future hold? Hang on… I’ll go find out. 😉

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Logic & Reason, Mindfulness, Perspective, Summer, The Art of Being, Words

Like Dominoes

June 6, 2016 //
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Sometimes building a life feels a little bit like a fancy arrangement of dominoes or jenga; at some point my choices may reveal themselves to have been poor choices, much later, in some unexpected way, sending the pieces to follow crashing down, one after the other. Choices matter. Each day that I do my best, practice the practices that support my physical and emotional wellness, comfortably handle the details of adult life that require my attention, I build a better future for myself – one resting on a firm foundation. I’m still human. Sometimes I can see a ‘misplaced domino’, and the action needed to adjust or correct for circumstances is obvious – it’s just more verbs. (I wish that implied some assurance of ease, but it does not.) Yes, there are pretty nearly always verbs involved – and the choice to use them. To be. To do. Neither are passive processes.

I need to put the AC in a window. The summer heat nailed me to the floor two days in a row with the afternoon heat. Both days I knew it would be that hot. Both days I made choices to hang out with my traveling partner, and planned around the heat of the day to make traveling easiest – and postponing installing the AC for the year. Priorities in the moment were definitely about love, rather than physical comfort. lol 🙂 Still a mammal. Still a primate. Still a human being in love. The AC can wait… it doesn’t give me hugs, kisses, tenderness – or laugh at my terrible jokes. 😀 Still…comfort would be nice, too.

It’ll be another hot day today, not quite as hot, but hot – and the AC would be helpful. Today is a good day for some different, practical verbs. Love will likely appreciate being comfortable here at my place, too. 🙂

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5

The Rain Falls Softly

June 2, 2016 //
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Yesterday felt like a summer day. This morning a soft rain falls on a gray dawn, and the cool rain-fresh air fills the apartment. There will be no pastel sun rise this morning, only this soft rain falling, the sound of birdsong, and flat gray sky over the varied greens of lawn, meadow, and marsh beyond. I’m okay with that, it’s a lovely morning, and we need the rain. Storms pass. There are other days to fill with sunshine. 🙂

Storms pass.

I try not to let the weather slow me down. 🙂

I sip my coffee. It will be another hour before I lace up my boots and walk the rainy path through the park. I consider going the opposite direction than the path I typically take. Being comfortable with change seems  healthy. This week has felt both productive and leisurely – relaxed without being effortless, focused and purposeful without being obligation and drudgery. I have enjoyed my time, and my self.

Today my ‘to do list’ is focused on tying up loose ends of a variety of sorts, mostly basic housekeeping. I have a date with my traveling partner tonight, and I like to be able to set aside the housekeeping entirely while he is here and simply enjoy him, without a lot of fuss and bother.  One task (hanging drapes in the studio) has been carried forward from other lists on other days for some time now… I’ve been irked to see myself procrastinate on this detail of the moving in. This morning I notice again why I have put it off; it will require me to move my desk. I’ve no objection, it just makes hanging the drapes a project of a couple hours work, instead of a couple minutes, and overcoming the inertia caused by being content with my desk as it is, and the view out the window beyond as well, it’s hard to bother. (Once summer comes, I’ll be quite annoyed if I have still not hung the drapes; my studio is the warmest room in the house, and challenging to cool because the sun hits the window for a large portion of the day.) Hanging the drapes has value, although it isn’t my highest priority day-to-day. I could treat myself poorly over the continued procrastination on this task… I don’t. It’s simply not that big a deal. I let it go.

My sleep cycle has been thrown off a bit due to late nights in the charming company of my partner recently. I’m not complaining – totally worth it – I’m hoping, however, to rebuild good sleep habits before I go back to work. I woke this morning at 3:00 am, feeling that I’d slept through the night (but only about 5 hours), and when I tried to rise, was so groggy with fatigue there was no wiser choice than to return immediately to bed, but I slept quite restlessly and wakefully after that. Once or twice, now and then, this isn’t any sort of problem, but over time my emotional resilience and general well-being degrade if I don’t get enough sleep. (For me, ‘enough sleep’ tends to be a very routine 7.5-9 hours of more or less continuous sleep ‘through the night’, on whatever shift or hours I am living.) Good sleep requires practice. Yes, I’m serious – and practicing good sleep practices is another bunch of verbs. There are any number of informative articles about good sleep hygiene.

I stretch. Sip my coffee. Consider the day. Wonder why I wrote this blog post, which suddenly seems fairly mundane and somewhat uninteresting. I think about nice days, pleasant conversations, and easy moments; most of those are fairly mundane, and uninteresting to write about too, but they are experiences I enjoy greatly, and cherish. I think ahead to a romantic evening, and smile; my fingers and toes match (mani-pedi), and after I finish the laundry I’ll have favorite comfortable cute clothes laid out, ready to put on after my shower. It’s not so much ‘vanity’ as that I am a mammal, a human primate, and ‘sexy’ feels good. (Like a lot of things, practice, verbs, results vary; some of my challenges occasionally put me at risk of being slack on self-care details, and practicing good self-care is worth reinforcing.) I am eagerly putting effort into being ready to spend time with my partner; he’s absolutely worth the best I have to offer. There’s no stress to it, and the effort isn’t about being ‘good enough’ or being someone I am not; I make different choices in life, now. Self-acceptance, being comfortable in my own skin, and personal growth (and the effort to use the verbs) don’t seem to be mutually exclusive… I find it entirely okay to work at being me with greater skill. 😀 Today is a good day for that, gray skies and all.

Today is a good day to celebrate Love. (Most days are.)

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Categories Brain Injury, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Perspective, Relationships, Sleepless Nights, Summer, The Art of Being, Words

Coffee With the Woman in the Mirror

June 1, 2016 //
0

I woke feeling groggy, content, and fairly…merry. That’s a good word for it. I feel good. I feel ‘right’ – as in comfortable in my skin, content with life, and okay with ‘things generally’ just at the moment. It’s a pleasant state of being. The morning is quiet, other than birdsong, and my coffee is good. I have indoor plumbing, the rent is paid, there’s food in the pantry, and clean running water. Pretty fucking luxurious compared to some of the alternatives (a quick search of the term “refugee” proves the point). I sip my coffee and make time to really appreciate how good my life is right now. I am aware of impermanence.

Is the cup half empty? Is it half full? Does it matter that it can be filled, or emptied... if the contents are enough just as they are?

Is the cup half empty? Is it half full? Does it matter that it can be filled, or emptied… if the contents are enough just as they are?

Some people reading this blog may not have a comfortable life. Some people reading this blog may have a far more lavish lifestyle than I do. In any category of quality of life economically, some people may be struggling to survive, despairing, or merely enduring their days, and others living their lives in a state of contentment, acceptance, or serenity. It’s not about money. I find myself wondering what role our circumstances really play in our emotional lives? Could I ‘hold this position’ and live in relative contentment and ease in a state of enduring privation, poverty, violence, or illness? If circumstances changed abruptly – and they do – would I lose ground equally suddenly? I have come so far with myself. I think of the woman I once was…the woman I am now…the human being I hope to become… What of suffering and loss? What of change? Can I hold my own in the world more comfortably now, without this gentle space that is mine only by virtue of a contract and steady payment? Would I practice good practices and take good care of this fragile vessel if life’s circumstances seemed to demand different sacrifices of me? More than I have to offer? Would I be able to yield to change, to ‘be like water‘ – or would I be broken on the wheel as it turns? Is the ease I so often have now something I have built?… something I have taken from the world?… or is it mere circumstance and coincidence, enjoyable but not sustainable? Can it be taken from me? Thoughts over coffee – and lacking any substance whatever that I do not give them myself. 🙂 Sometimes it’s good to ask the questions, see the words, and accept that doubt is, and fear is, and uncertainty most definitely is – then move along and enjoy the day, because it too is… and it is now.

Where does the path I choose lead?

Where does the path I choose lead?

A couple years ago, when I was re-evaluating life, and my values, and working out my Big 5 relationship values (Respect, Consideration, Reciprocity, Compassion, and Openness), I also made the decision to build my life on sustainable, practical, basics: perspective, mindfulness, and sufficiency. It meant making some changes. It requires continuous practicing of practices, and there is no ‘achievement’ at the end of some process of mastery. I am living my life, and practicing practices – living is a verb, and there are a lot of verbs involved in making a life. Choices. There’s power in choice when we awaken to it – and it can’t easily be taken from us unless we give it away. Despair and anxiety are liars; choice is. Every day of each life there are choices, and change available for the taking. That’s… powerful.

One day I will not wake to begin again... It's how mortality works. There is much to savor in each waking moment, and less to struggle with than I sometimes choose.

I am mortal; one day I will not wake to begin again… It’s how mortality works. There is much to savor in each waking moment, and less to struggle with than I sometimes choose.

It’s a lovely quiet morning. The sunshine reaches the studio window. I close the blinds to keep the apartment cool. I sip my coffee. I make my list of things to do today, and consider it. One day, in a life that is mine, filled with opportunities to choose. Isn’t this enough? 🙂

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Categories Anxiety, Brain Injury, Free Will, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Summer, The Art of Being, The Big 5, Words
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