Archives for category: Free Will

My hike yesterday was lovely. It was beyond lovely; it was restorative, refreshing, recharging… It was lovely, too.

The sounds of this playful creek followed me everywhere, distancing me from everyday stress, noise, and distractions.

The sounds of this playful creek followed me everywhere, distancing me from everyday stress, noise, and distractions.

I realized almost immediately that I’d forgotten my hiking staff. The trails were often quite steep, and the snags and obstacles were plentiful. Mindfulness became a pleasant necessity to hike these trails safely.

Being present matters; there's always something just ahead worth my attention.

Being present matters; there’s always something just ahead worth my attention.

I walked and took in the sounds and scents of the forest, filling my lungs with the sweet soft air, and pausing now and then just to be.

The path brings me alongside the creek several times.

The path brings me alongside the creek several times.

My eyes were sharper than my ability to snap a picture, and the many lovely pictures of dense green forest that I brought home with me rarely capture the squirrels, birds, small mammals, insects, and other signs of life I had attempted to photograph. It doesn’t matter much; the pictures are lovely all the same.

The morning was a green wonderland.

The morning was a green wonderland.

I went out purposefully enough, and intending more than exercise and exploration.  I really needed a bit of a break, a departure from my routine, and some time and space to sort a few things out and meditate on life and love, and consider my trajectory into my future. It’s a birthday thing.

I needed to consider the path I am choosing, rather than simply walk it without thought.

I needed to consider the path I am choosing, rather than simply walk it without thought.

So much of life is directly determined by the choices I make. Simple choices, difficult choices, choice that seem unimportant, choices that seem urgent in the moment…every choice I make, like a single domino in a very long complex arrangement of dominoes standing closely together, is almost insignificant considered independently from all those other choices. Every single choice contains the power to change my experience, my understanding of myself, even to change the world.

Perspective matters, too; what appears to be an obstacle from a distance, may have no effect on the journey I am taking, myself, when I get there.

Perspective matters, too; what appears to be an obstacle from a distance, may have no effect on the journey I am taking, myself, when I get there.

I walked less distance in miles yesterday than I did the week before. The trails were steeper, and the hike took about the same amount of time. The journey was more rewarding – because I allowed it to be? Different choices.  Different experience.

Sometimes the peace I am seeking isn't far removed from the turmoil I am struggling with; it's more a matter of perspective.

Sometimes the peace I am seeking isn’t far removed from the turmoil I am struggling with; it’s more a matter of perspective.

I walked with great care, avoiding snags and missteps. I walked with great awareness, opening my eyes to the lush beauty, my heart to healing, and my consciousness to being present in such a lovely moment.

My journey, my choices, my experience... we are each having our own experience.

My journey, my choices, my experience… we are each having our own experience.

It was a good morning for a solitary walk through every possible color of green.  It often seemed I was truly alone, separate, isolated, and content in my solitude. As is so often the case with perception and appearances, it was fairly illusory. Plenty of other people came to the park to hike those narrow trails yesterday. I occasionally saw them.

There were more flowers than people, which seemed a pleasant balance.

There were more flowers than people, which seemed a pleasant balance.

I contemplated how small a single individual can be…

A small commonplace flower, taken singly, has little impact on my senses.

A small commonplace flower, taken singly, has little impact on my senses.

…and how mighty we can become together.

A hillside covered with tiny white flowers dominates my view.

A hillside covered with tiny white flowers dominates my view.

I love the metaphors that life itself provides as part of the curriculum – and part of the floor show.  I enjoyed a quiet conversation with a small girl, about small flowers, and how easily small things can be a big deal, taken as a part of a greater whole.

There were plenty of small white flowers with which to make the point.

There were plenty of small white flowers with which to make the point.

They sometimes appear to float above the greenery like some strange mist.

They sometimes appear to float above the greenery like some strange mist.

Life isn’t always about flowers.

Sometimes it is about the steps we take...

Sometimes it is about the steps we take…

Sometimes it is about sharing some piece of the journey or crossing paths with another traveler.

Sometimes it is about sharing some piece of the journey or crossing paths with another traveler.

As removed from the world as I felt, as far away from the busy-ness of human affairs, as distant from drama and obligation and stress as it seemed to be out among the trees, I was never really ‘alone’.

Every moment of solitary contemplation...

Every moment of solitary contemplation…

...each opportunity to alter my perspective...

…each opportunity to alter my perspective…

...and moving on to another moment, I found I was quickly followed by others, also seeking, also contemplating, and on their own journey.

…and moving on to another moment, I found I was quickly followed by others, also seeking, also contemplating, and on their own journey.

Yes, we are all having our own experience… yes, our unique experience as a human being can feel pretty lonely sometimes, isolated, neglected, unheard… we are, however, also all in this together on a relatively small ball of rock, each likely doing something like our best, most of the time, or at least thinking so. Choices matter. Awareness matters. Being, right now, just being matters so much.

As I left the park, I pass this kind reminder... we are all interconnected.

As I left the park, I pass this kind reminder… we are all interconnected.

I will be back to this lovely oasis of serenity, and I carry some pieces of it with me even now; a contented smile, a handful of pictures, and the memory of a journey, and a metaphor.  Today is a good day to make good choices. Today is a good day to recognize that we’re all in this together. Today is a good day to treat each being well – including myself. Today is a good day to change the world.

 

I’m getting my gear together this morning, as I sip my coffee.  I’m heading for a morning hike, and a stop at the grocer’s for coffee beans.  Coffee will most assuredly be purchased; the hike is dependent on the weather holding up, since I do not yet have hiking-worthy rain gear. This morning’s planned hike is modest in mileage, and I am as eager as if it were much longer, or more foreign, or more famous. It is somewhere I haven’t been before. It is new. I find mindfulness fairly effortless walking a lovely trail, and I definitely need the restorative, re-charging power of being out among the trees, flowers, humming insects, peeping frogs, and all manner of birdsong. Today I am headed for the Audubon Sanctuary nestled against the edge of Forest Park.

Hiking is already more than ‘taking walking to the next level’, for me. It’s getting me out into the world, and doing so in a calm way that builds my emotional resilience, my awareness, my sense of joyous contentment, and as if all that weren’t lovely enough, I get to enjoy a sense of accomplishment, and progress toward goal – it is a fun challenging way to keep myself on track, building strength, and losing some excess pounds. I giggle when I take a moment to consider that I am losing weight… only to carry more weight. LOL  It’s a fun endeavor on a number of levels, and has this ‘all for me’ feel whether I venture forth alone or with companions, that I enjoy very much. I am embarrassed to admit that I don’t invest as much of my time, will, and effort in what I want specifically for myself as I easily could; for most of my life, investing in myself, or my own needs, did not feel emotionally safe, and I learned to avoid it.  One of the most profound changes I’ve been making this past couple of years is to invest more of me in me.  I’m still struck by how rarely that actually conflicts with the needs of others.

So, here I am at the start of a lovely Sunday morning, sharing some words, sipping some coffee, and contemplating next steps both physical and metaphysical.

Where will my journey take me? Have you ever noticed how little a map really says about a journey?

Where will my journey take me? Have you ever noticed how little a map really says about a journey?

Today is a good day to invest in myself. Today is a good day to practice living The Big 5 (Respect, Reciprocity, Compassion, Consideration, and Openness). Today is a good day to smile and breath deeply. Today is a good day to explore the world.

I have a friend* who evaluates experiences with great care, assigning them a number value, and comparing them based on a ‘score’ one to another for relative value.  She likes data. I like data, too, so we have some common ground there. I’ve noticed more than once, though, that she quickly goes from being quite delighted with an event or experience to being incredibly discontent solely on the basis of her scoring system; events that score poorly lose value, and her emotional recollection of events changes to support the score she has assigned to them.  I haven’t known her to assign a perfect score to any event she’s discussed with me.  (If I understand her system, everything starts out as a ‘perfect 10’ and received deductions based on… flaws.)

I mention it, because of all the birthday well-wishes, hers was the only one that requested I evaluate my birthday experience and give it a number. lol

I spend a lot of time with numbers. I enjoy data. (Seriously, that’s a thing!) I even enjoy analyzing data, evaluating trends, making observations about what data may indicate.  Experience teaches me that actually scoring experiences, assigning them some sort of merit or value-based grade upon which to evaluate them, is a fast track to discontent.  Score-keeping sets me up for perceiving issues of ‘fairness’ where ‘fair’ isn’t a characteristic to be expected in the first place, and creates a sense of competition that probably delights retailers, but doesn’t build a feeling of well-being, or foster good self-care – or good self-talk. I figured this one out when I was quite young, and learning to quantify the value, meaning, and intensity of early sexual experiences. It quickly became apparent that it was difficult to overcome one very relevant puzzle… I could not establish measurements and criteria that reliably resulted in ‘apples to apples’ comparisons. Well… understandably so; people are not apples, and life experiences can not be exchanged for cash. lol

I replied to my friends email with a ‘lol’ and ‘a perfect 10!’.

I am learning to live life in the moment, awake, aware, and alive; isn’t every moment already perfectly whatever it is, given a chance? Isn’t an intimate quiet birthday spent with loved ones, a nice dinner out, and a caring gift as perfectly wonderful as a wild night immersed in deep bass, vibrant house music, dancing, partying to the wee hours with a crowd of friends? They’re very different sorts of birthdays (one was mine, the other belonging to a friend* of mine, on the same date), for different sorts of people at different points along life’s journey.

It is a lovely morning, over a quiet coffee, and another birthday is behind me. Life is not ‘a perfect 10’ – it is a journey, incomplete, in progress, and ongoing indefinitely. Amusingly, when I don’t look too closely at the numbers, ‘it all adds up’.

All the promise and potential of a new day.

All the promise and potential of a new day.

Today is a good day for calm awareness. Today is a good day to smile and recognize our shared humanity. Today is a good day to take another step forward. Today is a good day to change the world.

*No friendships were harmed in the making of this blog post. 🙂

Well, or something like that; it’s my birthday. I make rather a big deal of some of them, less so of others, this one has been a strange wobbly roller coaster ride of achievement, change and the passage of time.  51 isn’t generally one of the ‘milestone birthdays’.  51 isn’t even cool enough to be a prime number birthday. It’s just… a year older than 50. 🙂

To be fair, 50 kicked ass in so many ways, how could 51 really challenge it on the very first day? So, we’ll keep things simple; dinner after I get home from work, a restaurant I like and consider a bit of a treat, and near enough to home that it won’t be a ludicrously late night. Sleep matters to my well-being and good cognition; 50 taught me a lot. I reached greedily for change, and learned a lot about choice, will, and love. I spent much of the year deeply invested in study and growth, and standing on the doorstep of 51, I feel a sense of purpose, and find that I have goals of my own that matter enough to build my life around them, to make my choices consistent with those desires on a daily basis, and to be willing to lean on those goals a little bit now and then and say ‘hey, I missed the mark here, I’d like to do this one differently…’. The occasional ‘course correction’ or adjustment in everyday trajectory feels less disruptive than it once did, generally. I am, overall, less stressed out, generally less confused, mostly more chill, and rarely deeply unhappy – only briefly, now and then.  It’s been a good year for change.

So…here I am. 51. As with most birthdays, it really doesn’t feel any different than 50 did, yesterday.  I’m okay with that.  Every day is a new experience, and it isn’t about age. Age and aging just don’t seem to be the Very Big Deal people so often make them out to be.  Yesterday I enjoyed a video that proves that point.  I’ve started hiking again, myself. I still work in my garden. I manage about 5 miles a day on foot during the week and yoga every day.  I feel pretty good, in spite of pain.  I feel strong and capable. Hell, I feel more beautiful at 51 than I felt at 20, and the photographs support that, mostly because the pained and tense, vaguely angry look on my face at 20 was off-putting, to say the least. At 51, I am smiling, joyful, and generally delighted with life and love. 51 is a very nice place to be in life.

Here’s to life and love and 51! Today is a good day to celebrate life. Today is a good day to enjoy love and work and growth and the small delights that keep things fun. Today is a good day to enjoy the world.

Where will my path take me?

Where will my path take me?

Wow. Not a very positive start to a post, at all. Is it a difficult morning? Did I wake in pain, or feeling poorly? Am I sad, hurt, or angry? No, not really any of those things, and it is a lovely, simple morning.  I am thinking, almost happily, about yesterday’s challenges – well met, and behind me. What remains is mostly the recollection of a mostly lovely day.

A lovely summer afternoon in this city I love.

A lovely summer afternoon in this city I love.

It isn’t a perfect picture; life itself isn’t about ‘perfect’ unless we choose to make it so. That’s rarely a good choice, in my experience.  I knew as I headed downtown for appointments at the VA that it was likely to be, like many experiences, less than perfect. It’s the VA. The news articles do not greatly exaggerate the issues, and may in fact present a rosier picture than exists in fact. Just saying.

First things first – any possible calm in the waiting room was entirely disrupted by loud administrators and ‘auditors’ of a variety of sorts. Business is business, work has to be done, and it isn’t all medicine…but when a disruptive crowd of noisy people fill up the waiting room of the Women’s Health Center, and some significant portion are rather disrespectful dudes with no apparent sense that people are waiting, and possibly not feeling well, its super annoying. Distracting, too, and as a veteran with a TBI, I’d like to be able to calmly focus on my appointment and my care needs. Yep – all about me, and every other patient there. Keep the freakin’ noise down!

It only gets better. Somehow, by mistake, although I specifically phoned and specifically scheduled an appointment with my primary care provider at her specific request, I was scheduled to see an entirely different doctor, who doesn’t know me, and has not had (or taken) an opportunity to actually review the entirety of my 20+ years of medical care for service connected injuries. She was personable enough, and educated, even fairly skilled on the VA computer system – a nice change of pace in recent years, to see doctors who can also navigate a windows OS – and I figured I’d relax and value what her perspective may have to offer. Seems fair.  My hopeful curiosity quickly fell behind my irritation.  She was quick to hand me the usual commonplace saccharine reassurances about menopause, not a glance at my records. I quickly and firmly objected to her suggestion that I may want to consider antidepressants for some of my menopause symptoms, and pointed her to the portion of my records that documents what a miserable failure that was – years ago.  She started to bring up atypical antipsychotics. I pointed her to that section of my records. Again. Again. Again. We finally get to a recommendation I hadn’t had offered before. She had piqued my interest – something that might ease the hot flashes? (They’re on/off nearly continuously these last few weeks, it’s very uncomfortable.)  No, I had no interest in spending even one moment in hospital purgatory (the pharmacy), yes mail the Rx to my home… and I made my escape.  While I waited for the bus to return me to downtown to connect with light rail, I read up on her suggestion… Um… wait, what? It’s associated with an increased risk of suicide. Not ‘a rare side effect’, nope, it has a white box warning label. Oh. Hell. No. Seriously? Why would a doctor recommend a drug with a high risk of suicide to a veteran with PTSD, and MST – who is also over 50? (Are the VA doctors unaware that veterans over 50 are, themselves, at increased risk of suicide?)

I walked away from the VA the way I often do – angry. To be fair, the state of women’s medicine isn’t fantastic, even in the civilian community.  Currently, the best medical test for menopause is… wait for it… No, seriously, that’s the test. Wait. 365 days, to be exact. Once one successfully completes 365 days of her adult life without bleeding from her vagina, it’s menopause! Very scientific, guys, very reliable… oh…what? You mean I might still have a period, or some spotting, or obvious hormone fluctuations after that? So… um… go medical precision? I think my irritation is understandable. The VA just pours salt in that wound by being more interested in Rx solutions than in practicing medicine and healing people, by rushing patient care in a very industrial and profit-oriented way (and still failing to actually be profitable), and being grossly understaffed in all roles just makes it very unlikely that anything will change – regardless who is at the top. The bottom line is still about the bottom line; no one really wants to pay the bill on all those broken people.  That shit is expensive.

It wasn’t unexpected. I headed for home, hopeful that I could just let it go and enjoy the evening.

Sometimes I have to take care of me.

Sometimes I have to take care of me.

The train was crowded. That’s a simple enough sentence. It doesn’t go nearly far enough. Wedged between a very large man who was drenched in sweat and smelled strongly of eau de unwashed humanity, and a very thin angular woman with children, strollers, and shopping bags, unable to move, pressed in on all sides to the point of being in very close contact – actually touching – I only managed one stop. I forced my way off the crowded train, gasping for breath, near tears, heart pounding – and still that residual anger. I was having a panic attack. Shit. I backed up against the building at the stop, in the shade, and closed my eyes. I took a deep breath and exhaled slowly, and another. The rush of commuters dissipated between trains. A handful of people were milling around, panhandling, chatting. My pounding heart and the rushing in my ears began to ease. A man approached me slowly, cautiously. “You okay, Sister?” He eyed me with wary sympathy. “Yes, thanks,” I replied. I made eye-contact. A homeless veteran? A veteran. Sometimes it is obvious. “I just couldn’t handle the crowd on the train, today.” He looked me over appraisingly, but without hostility or resentment, just that continued calm sympathy. “Yeah… you’re okay, though?” “Yes, thanks.” As he moved away, I contemplated his kindness. I wonder what he would have said or done if I hadn’t said I was okay? I wondered if his simple human kindness, consideration, and sympathy actually have more value than all the pills the VA has ever offered me. I sure felt better… I got on the next train and headed home.

Taking care of me still feels new.  A simple decision in favor of self-compassion, getting off an over-crowded train and waiting for the next one, really matters.  I ended up enjoying a lovely evening at home, as a byproduct of self-care.  Small changes. Good choices. So worth it.

Today is a new day, a fresh start, a different adventure. Today is a good day to be kind to strangers, and a good day to be kind to myself. Today is a good day to appreciate that we are each having our own experience, and we’re all in this together. Today is a good day to change the world.