Archives for category: Love

Sipping my coffee on a Sunday. Feeling content, and cherishing that feeling even more for having recently been blown off that comfortable perch by stormy emotional weather. I take time to be pleased with the morning, and the moment, and the fact that hurt feelings don’t have to linger for days. Even yesterday was quite lovely, so much so that I never did sit down to write about it; I was busy enjoying it.

But what happened?!

Fair enough. I went to my afternoon appointment, Friday, and returned home. He was up from napping, by the time I got back. We enjoyed a lovely evening – and not “as if nothing happened” in some peculiar surreal or bitter way, faking the moment. It was like that at all. We each had a chance to care for our own needs, and took it. He took time to manage his pain, and got more rest (which he evidently needed). I took the time it took to manage my own pain, and my PTSD, which had flared up over some nothing and derailed our lovely morning. We were both fine, and when we reconnected in the evening, we made a point to check in with each other, sooth hurts, restore broken intimacy, and simply moved on with a lovely evening, without lingering resentment (as far as I know; it’s still true we are each having our own experience).

Then we enjoyed yesterday. Autumn means more indoor cooking. Desired health, long-term wellness, fitness, and longevity goals mean more new recipes, whole ingredients, and fun exploring different sorts of meals at home. Just humans being human.

Today, I woke with a bit of a headache, but well-rested, feeling fairly merry, and enjoying the sound of the rain falling fairly ceaselessly (this entire weekend) beyond the windows. I sip my coffee, explicitly aware of, and exceedingly grateful for, the roof over my head, the central heat and a/c, the indoor plumbing and potable water, refrigeration, the gas fireplace, the comfortable furnishings, and the lovely view beyond the patio. I’ll never be wealthy, but I am so very fortunate. It’s a lovely morning to enjoy that, to embrace contentment, and maybe, later, do a little laundry. lol 😀

…Then I can begin again. 🙂

A noise woke me…or was it a light…? Either way, I woke a bit early. I crept quietly through my routine, “so as not to wake anyone else”. Then I ground coffee. There’s no silencing the burr grinder, and I’m not surprised when I hear a voice in the darkness softly say “there was already coffee ground”. “Shit,” I reply to the unseen voice of my Traveling Partner. I get on with things, he, I hope, goes back to sleep. I’m definitely starting the morning with a failure; the literal point of being so quiet and careful in the morning is to avoiding waking my sleeping partner. lol

I sip my coffee and consider the nature of “failure”. What an emotionally loaded word that can be. I’ve already “moved on” from waking my partner, but it’s the sort of thing that could weigh me down all day with a lot of rethinking and rumination, and self-inflicted emotional bullshit and baggage of one sort or another. I’m content to shrug all that off, reminding myself how human I am, and how okay that is.

I’m groggy. This coffee doesn’t seem to be helping much. Hopefully the day doesn’t find me, later, dragging myself through the routine mundanities… I think I got enough rest. I sit quietly, sipping coffee, waiting for the earliest hint of daybreak that is often my reminder that it’s time… time to go, time to start work, time to begin again…

…There’s enough time for it, I know, enough time to begin again. 🙂 I take another sip of my coffee, and another breath. Failure? Common enough in life. Let it go. Breathe. Begin again. 😀

This morning, I am sipping my coffee and contemplating the new “view” in my studio. My Traveling Partner installed some lovely acrylic shelves for me, and my space is more organized, which has altered the view – and in some sense, also my perspective. I am enjoying the expectation-defying moment greatly; I had forgotten about the change during the night, and it struck me as surprising and delightful when I saw it this morning. 🙂

I head into the office after four very pleasant days away, spent taking care of myself, and enjoying the company of my partner. It’s been deliciously restful, and wonderfully satisfying. There’s not much else to say about it, it wasn’t fancy or particularly noteworthy, nor was the time spent in a remarkable or novel way; it was time spent wrapped in love, at home, and it was lovely. I allow myself a moment to notice that I just commented that time spent wrapped in love is not novel (for me, now), and I smile. It was a long journey to this place, paved with verbs and uncomfortable moments. A worthy journey. 🙂

I don’t know what the day ahead holds. I’m okay with that amount of uncertainty. 🙂 (Took some time to get here, too. lol) It is what it is. I’ll try not to let the verbs pile up unnecessarily. 🙂

…It’s already time to begin again. I guess I’m okay with that, too. 😀

I’m sipping my coffee feeling the hint of autumn that seems already evident, a certain chill I notice, and the slow turning of leaves to colors other than green; the feel of it is “autumn approaching”. The equinox is tomorrow. Fitting. I sip my coffee thinking about change.

This a good cup of coffee, this morning, and I’m feeling pretty well-rested from a better than average night of sleep. I ache – arthritis cranks things up on the pain scale along with the increased chill in the air, that bit of extra moisture, too… not helping. I shrug it off; pain is likely a notable portion of the remainder of my life – and, let’s be real here, it could be so much worse. (A VA doctor, a resident, recently asked me “Have you tried Tylenol?”, my astonishment prevented my reply, which, ideally, would have been “Have you tried getting your fucking foot out of your mouth??” I mean, seriously? If Tylenol were going to be adequate, what do I need her for?? And who hasn’t already tried OTC remedies by the time they want to take time off work and spend the money to talk to a doctor?)

This morning, though, isn’t about that. It’s not about pain, or pain management, it’s not even about this excellent cup of coffee, or a good night’s sleep. It’s a few words on a page that anchor me in this moment, in this experience, and really… that’s all. I’m here. This is now. Life is, actually, pretty good. Good enough to have comfortable easy conversations about where our money goes – and where it could be better spent. Good enough to sustain romance, and day-to-day comfortable, affectionate intimacy. Good enough to feel generally safe, and generally well. I take time to notice, because savoring the good times, however small the detail, fills me up for those times of sorrow that we each will definitely experience; challenges and heartache are also part of the human experience.

I reflect for some moments on my mother’s relatively recent death… June already seems so long ago. Summer is behind me now. Seasons do indeed change.

I sip my coffee, take a breath, and begin again.

I woke to the sound of rain. It’s the sort of steady rain of well-separated medium-sized raindrops that keeps the pavement looking soaked, and the air smelling fresh, without every becoming a downpour. I made coffee, standing at the kitchen window, staring out past the driveway to the street beyond, not really watching the cars go by, still half-wrapped in sleep, not quite awake, yet. I’d considered sitting down and reading some news articles while I waited for water to boil (I like a “pour over” in the morning)… decided it against it, after glancing at headlines. I am not ready for the cesspool that is “newsworthy” humanity, before my coffee. lol

California was more or less “as advertised”, generally in a pleasant way.

I got home far more easily, with fewer moments of stress, and a much more enjoyable (quiet) flight. I wondered later if time of day was something to have considered when I made the plans (the unpleasant flight to LAX was late afternoon, getting me there by 6:30 pm, the flight home to PDX departed from LAX at close to 8:00 pm, and we did not land until well-past 10:00 pm)? There were no chatterboxes or fussy children on the flight home; it was filled with quieter people, traveling purposefully, and keeping to themselves. I chuckle to myself as I read back these past couple of sentences; how much of my experience was actually just… me? Something to consider, too.

I missed my roses while I was away.

My homecoming was pleasant, relaxed, easy; we missed each other, we welcome each other with open arms, and smiles, with appreciation, and gratitude. Friday was very busy, and I’d forgotten to grab the power cord for my laptop when I returned to the hotel Thursday evening. The low battery, and the need to pack with care before work that morning, resulted in letting go my usual “best time” to write. Yesterday? Yesterday was mine to cherish, a sweet day of leisure and romance with my Traveling Partner, time to catch up, time to enjoy each other, time to spend together. I didn’t write, yesterday, because it is most definitely a solitary activity that takes my presence away from my partner’s experience, and on a day we choose for deliberately enjoying each other, sharing our time, our love, and our presence, that would be sort of rude, wouldn’t it? 🙂

…It feels like life is settling into a useful cadence of work and life and love, as the months together go by. Was it January he moved in with me? Or December, before the Yule holidays? I don’t remember now; it feels as if we’ve never been separated by different addresses, at all. 🙂

I arrived home to a lovely, tidy, welcoming, orderly, aesthetically pleasing home that very much looks like I live here. That makes sense – I do. 😀 I very much appreciate that I have my partners help with all the housekeeping and household maintenance – it makes for a wonderful shared experience. I notice a few things that are “better than I left it”, and remind myself to level up to better household care, on those tasks, myself. When everyone works, and the work is shared such that each person is valued, the quantity of work is equitable, and the effort is reciprocal, there is no room for resentment, or hurt feelings, over housework. 😀

Signs of autumn approaching begin to turn up in the garden on the deck…and also, a baby praying mantis or two, that have survived long enough to be easily noticed.

Another lovely day begins right here, listening to the rain fall. I feel like walking, although my arthritis flared up with the coming of the rain. I consider the day ahead… visit a nearby farmer’s market… run an errand or two, perhaps… get ready for the work week ahead… It’s an ordinary enough Sunday, pleasant, and relaxed. These are the qualities I am choosing, and choosing to foster, to build, to nurture, to act upon. Beginning again is a willful thing, a considered, deliberate reset, not merely the tick of a clock from one moment to the next; there are choices to make, and verbs to act upon. 🙂 My results may vary…

…None of that stops me; it’s still time to begin again. 🙂