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A Turning Point

November 1, 2017 //
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It’s been an unpleasant few days being sick with the flu. Leaving early from work Friday was a turning point; I’d gotten much sicker than I realized was likely, and it was time to recognize that and just go home, go to bed, and take care of myself. Last night, although I woke up to pee a couple times during the night, it was well past 2 am before I was up having a hot cup of tea to ease my sore throat, and congestion. I turned things over in my head carefully; I’d actually “slept through midnight” for the first time in 11 days. I considered my current symptoms with care. Would I go in to the office today?

My thoughts were interrupted by a breath-stealing, chest-wracking, gut-wrenching coughing fit – but I was finally actually coughing up the garbage that had settled in my lungs. There was real relief when the fit of coughing was finally over. A feeling of actual improvement. Another turning point. Clearly, I also wasn’t quite ready to return to the office, because a single fit of coughing so violent it takes a grown women to her knees with the force of it, and can’t easily be “kept quiet” in an office environment in which everyone is quietly on the phone, is not a good fit. So, one more work from home day, but… as this stand from my perspective this morning… I’m ready to get back to work tomorrow. 😀 That’s even a pleasant thought.

I was up for a little while sipping tea in the wee hours. It definitely does ease some of the discomfort of my flu symptoms, so why wouldn’t I? Sleep? lol As if. It was the discomfort of my symptoms that woke me. Tea for the win! I went back to bed after some little while, and whether I slept deeply, dreaming that I was awake, until I woke (one possibility) or lay quietly, wakefully, as time passed (another definite possibility), I woke still feeling that clear sense of “getting better” in a more obvious way. I’m soooooo happy to be finally feeling like I am actually recovering. Being sick sucks.

I did work yesterday – from home. It was an okay day, I think I’ve “let it go” largely because I don’t want to deal with it. I did have to make the drive to work early in the morning to retrieve my laptop (I was too sick Friday to think to bring it, even though I knew there was a chance I’d want to work from home on Monday.) and on the return trip I got rear-ended – again – while stopped at a signal light. I was pretty fucking aggravated by that.

This one makes 3 times I’ve been rear-ended at a stop since I started driving the car to and from work. Wtf?? I keep checking my tail lights and break lights as if it just must be that my lights are out… or… something? Nope. Distracted drivers. This one didn’t hit me hard, and immediately through their car into reverse, abruptly pulled a u-turn, and tore off in the opposite direction. I didn’t even have time to do more than watch in my rear view mirror as they did. (So pissed. Seriously? Put down that fucking phone.) Aside from that bit of adventure, though, the day seemed fairly routine aside from being Halloween, which didn’t affect me much working from home. I was unusually moody, overly emotional, prone to negative thinking and self-criticism verging on self-loathing, which was also an unpleasant context for my work experience. When it ended, I puttered around taking care of myself, and crashed out fairly early, but at an almost normal time of evening, and managed to avoid taking my own moody bullshit personally; I’ve been sick, that’s all.  🙂

So here it is… time to begin again. 😀

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Well, Then This…

October 31, 2017 //
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Staying home yesterday was the right choice. The small amount of effort exerted happily tidying up the smallest bit, while my energy level was high in the early morning, completely wiped me out. Not a set back, specifically, but definitely a clear warning sign that I’m not yet well. By mid-day, symptoms like dizziness, and that infernal headache, had gone completely, and I didn’t need to sleep all day. (Yay!!) So… definitely feeling “better”…but… then, sometime later in the day, the coughing got going on this whole other unnecessarily annoying level…and then… ouch. The muscles supporting my ribs, along my sides, not quite around toward my back, definitely involved in coughing…and… definitely not ready for all of this coughing. Something sprung, or pinched, or tweaked, or… both sides, now, every cough, there’s also muscle pain sharp in my awareness, not quite to the torn muscle severity, but god damn it hurts when I cough. 😦 How the ever-loving-fuck do I avoid coughing as I recover from the fucking flu???

I went to bed. Slept… okay… ish. For most values of “sleep” and “okay”. I woke often. Drinking this much tea, water, coffee… it’s a given. So there’s that. And the coughing. And the pain. I so do not want to go to work today. I could get some shit done here, though… I’m up to that. So it isn’t really the work, itself, that I’m not up to at this point – it’s the environment. I’m not up to it, and it’s not really the appropriate place to bring all this fucking loud coughing. (I sound like I’m literally dying of some horrible disease of the respiratory system, it’s hard to listen to.) (Not only that, but sitting near me would also subject someone to listening to my damned lungs making percolating noises while I breathe. lol Again, not the picture of vibrant health one expects from a coworker, generally.) Nor do I wish to expose others to this (although I already have – and omg, I am so sorry!!). So… this morning, my coffee, the trip to the office to grab my laptop and back home to “go to work”. Like… double the commute. <sigh> Yes, but also… heated seats. My arthritic back does like some time on the heated seat. 🙂

I just want to be well. lol I wake up making childish bargains with the universe (“If you just let me get through today without… “) that never work out (because that’s not how life works). I’m managing to take decently good care of myself, and it was lovely waking up this morning to a tidy little place, a clean kitchen, a sense of order, and a fireplace ready for me when I want it. That was one bonus out of the day, yesterday; the landlord was on site doing winterization stuff around the duplex (and no doubt other locations in the area), and stopped in to turn on the pilot light for the gas fireplace. 😀 It was pretty nice to enjoy the evening in the glow of a merry little fire, then also just switch it off at bed time. I enjoyed it so much that before bed I put a sticky note on the switch that says “this too costs cash”. lol

Still sick. My coffee is good, though (and my sense of taste is returning). I’m decently well-rested in spite of the very interrupted night. I’m clearly in the process of “getting well”, it’s just taking rather longer than I’d like. It’s a good opportunity to bring the work laptop home, and get back to work, even if I am not ready to get back to the office… It’s just time to begin again. Slowly. With great care. 🙂

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Taking Care of the Woman in the Mirror

October 28, 2017 //
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I succeeded in sleeping in this morning, until almost 8:30 am. It mattered less that I also woke basically every two hours during the night, or that I was awake for two hours, sometime around midnight, than that I was able to simply keep sleeping until the thought of being awake no longer seemed like a compromise of my most basic self-care. I was up for a couple of hours. I watched some entertaining videos. I scrolled through Facebook. I showered and handled basic hygiene and self-care tasks (most easily accomplished while I am awake).

I went back to bed, and slept through much of the afternoon, waking more or less around tea time, which is to say, around 3pm. I woke a number of times, but a quick check on my consciousness found me choosing more sleep, each time, until this last time, when I chose, at last, to wake and even to get up. I had to pee. Not getting up wasn’t really an option. I didn’t go back to bed, but mostly only because I didn’t want more sleep any more than I wanted to be awake, and since I was already awake, and up, I simply decided to continue along that path awhile. lol I’m not terrifically engaged with the moment, the fire of my natural presence flickers. Clearly I am ill. So… a fresh cup of hot tea. A new moment. I am on auto-pilot, and only barely truly awake. I am uncertain where the evening may take me.

I am hungry. The amount of work involved in feeding myself doesn’t seem at all appealing. The sorts of foods I could order? Don’t seem at all appealing. So. Here I sit. Hungry and doing nothing whatsoever about it. Thinking about taking action on the food thing, I find myself contemplating going back to bed instead… I would not notice any feelings of hunger if I were asleep… It would be easier.

I sip my tea. It is hot, bland, basically flavorless. I’m sick and nothing tastes good, really. I think about how easily I could heat up some chicken soup, though… Chicken soup, with Rick & Morty… or chicken soup with Archer… or chicken soup with Harry Potter, South Park, or Samurai Champloo… or chicken soup with a favorite book… I chuckle when I realize that I am more interested in the chicken soup itself than any accompanying entertainment. Okay, okay – chicken soup then. No problem. I’ve got plenty made. I find myself feeling somewhat buoyed by the thought of rich hot broth, chunks of chicken meat, veggies stewed in the flavorful broth, buckwheat noodles…

I lift myself from my chair with some awkwardness and stiffness. I barely notice the pain I am in, moment-to-moment, because flu symptoms suck so much, but there it is, when I move. I stand with some difficultly, and wait a few seconds to be sure of my balance, before making my way to the kitchen. Chicken soup won’t heat itself. lol One obvious downside to living alone; I’ve always got to be the one fetching tissues or mugs of tea, or heating up the soup. 🙂

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Categories anhedonia, autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Metaphors, Mindfulness, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Such Fragile Creatures

October 23, 2017 //
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Sometime shortly before bed I noticed the tickle in my throat. All night long, my snoring woke me repeatedly, and the tickle quickly became a sore throat once tender tissues had dried out, due to breathing with my mouth open. I got up again and again. Another drink of water. Had to pee again. Just couldn’t seem to maintain sleep. I finally just got up, around 2:30 am, and made a cup of soothing chamomile tea, and sipped on that until my painful sore throat wasn’t so painful and sore, and I could swallow with relative ease. I went back to bed and slept deeply for an hour.

My coffee sucks this morning. I taste only the bitterness of the brew. The hot liquid is soothing on my throat, though. I continue to choke it down; I definitely do not need the headache that would result from not having my morning coffee! I’m tired and a little dizzy, fuzzy-headed, and more interested in going back to bed than going in to work. I check my temperature. During the night it was 100 degrees. This morning it is normal. That’s something, anyway. I take stock of physical sensations, and wonder if the mild dizziness is the Benadryl? It easily could be. It could easily be the poor quality of my sleep, too. Either way, something to be aware of.

I’m annoyed to be feeling poorly. I am hopeful it will clear up quickly, as the last little bout with some unidentified ick did. I have things to do, and don’t care to be thrown off by illness… but… That’s not how these things work, is it? 🙂

I step up my self-care, and look for things I can do for myself to be more comfortable during the busy day ahead. It’ll be a weird day for it. Minutes ago I was chilly, and turned up the heat. It hasn’t even warmed up by one degree, yet, and already I am now feeling overly warm. My head aches, but it’s that viral sort of headache that often goes with a cold, and I have done what I could for that. I tuck a couple packets of instant chicken soup into my hand bag along with some tea I like when I’m sick.

I look over my “to do list”. There’s really nothing that can’t wait a day or two until I am feeling more myself, other than routine basics like dishes and taking out the trash. I plan ahead, perhaps a couple of early nights, lacking any stress, will be sufficient to get me over the worst of whatever this is?

I start this particular day looking forward, very much, to its end. lol I’ll begin again tomorrow… 😉

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Categories Brain Injury, Free Will, health, Healthy Living, Mindfulness, Moments, pain, Perspective, Post Traumatic Stress, Sleepless Nights, The Art of Being, The Big 5

Um… Ouch?

October 22, 2017 //
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I woke in pain.

Damn it. A sentence that short doesn’t do the moment justice. Rainy, chilly, autumn days, and colder night-time temperatures, and here it is time again for my arthritis pain to become a serious shot-caller in my day-to-day experience. Damn, this sucks. I woke hurting, couldn’t roll over because my spine was locked up, rigid and aching, from my waist to my shoulders. I laid still with the pain for a few moments, taking time to be aware that I was able to breathe “comfortably” – for some values of “comfort” – and confirming fingers and toes move, and that I felt sensations in extremities.

Time for the winter practices, already? Yeah, looks that way. I slowly, with great determination, begin moving the bits and pieces that do seem pretty mobile. I flex fingers, arms, toes, feet, legs. I stretch anything that stretches. I find adequate leverage to roll to my back. I pull my knees to my chest one by one, and begin working on arching my back some small bit. I push-pull-rock and get rolled first to one side, then the other. Repeat all the motions on each side. Eventually, I am able to roll to my right side, push myself up on an elbow, pull myself the rest of the way using the arm on the other side, and a firm grasp on the edge of the pillow top of the mattress. Sitting up! Yes! It feels like triumph.

I sit for a few minutes, ignoring the tears – a combination of pain and relief, that spilled over as I sat up. Mornings like this one, I am “painfully aware” (lol) that one day I won’t be able to easily live alone; I’ll need help with basic things, at some point. Aging is a thing. I am definitely living that process. I sigh, and the sound fills the otherwise quiet room. Maybe a shower will help?

The long minutes lingering in a hot shower leaves my skin reddened in places, but my spine is a bit more flex-y, as a spine ideally would be. I don’t hurt quite so much. I can dress, with care, and anything to do with standing is as easy as ever, and that means – coffee. 🙂 My coffee this morning even turned out wonderfully well, and I am enjoying it with a smile that has no trace of the pain I woke in. Oh, I still hurt; it’s that sort of day. It’s more manageable now, is all, and that is enough.

I sip my coffee and think about the phone call with my Traveling Partner last night, sharing his autumn and winter travel plans with me. I think, now, about how those may/can change my own plans. I smile. The physical distance doesn’t change much for me; we talk regularly, and the specifics of distance are irrelevant in our digital experience. We see each other when circumstances and choices permit it. (Sure, I will miss him; I always miss him when he isn’t near me, but that doesn’t have to mean drama and bullshit. lol) I was planning to discuss my reluctance to plan regular visits down once the roads begin to freeze, or snow becomes a concern (even though I have chains, it’s just not my preference to tackle long drives in icy/snowy conditions); his plans are such that it just won’t actually be a concern. lol Win and good. Convenient. Stress-free mutually beneficial planning for the win! 🙂

First coffee finished, I make a second, and load a great set, from a favorite DJ who does a regular live cast on Facebook, to get me moving, and hopefully provide additional relief of my pain, and a bit more freedom of movement. Movement hurts, but it helps, too. Hard not to dance to great music.

I spend coffee #2 grooving in my chair, writing, and chatting with my Traveling Partner as we get our mornings started. A promising beginning to a leisurely Sunday. I open my “to do list” and frown at tasks I know I am not going to be able to do with any ease, and scroll through prioritizing the tasks that will be more easily handled today. I smile when I get to the line that says “get enough rest” – that’s one I can check off right now. 🙂

No idea what the day holds, but I’m here. You’re here. There’s an entire day ahead to make something of – and that’s enough. 🙂

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Categories autumn, Brain Injury, Free Will, Frustration, health, Healthy Living, Love, medical marijuana, Mindfulness, Moments, more than a little bit of bitching, pain, Perspective, Relationships, The Art of Being, The Big 5, winter
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